Friday Fives – guess poster edition

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Team,

I haven’t gotten around to posting the Fives this week.  Am too busy right now.  Instead, welcome guess editor and long time friend of the site, Jamie (the Arizona Monkey Boy) >

 

1. Do you have a favorite insect (of the bug variety, of course)? 

 

No… but your mom gave me crabs once… that was kinda special!!

 

2. Which insect could you happily do without seeing for a good long time? 

All of them… but I guess cockroaches. Just so you know… I’ve never seen one in my house… knock on wood!!

 

3. Which insect do you think is of the most benefit to us? 

 

Seriously… we’re doing an insect theme? Okay… let me ask YOU a question. Did insects EVER help you get laid? That’s what i thought…

 

4. Have you had to deal with an insect invasion yet this season (or this past summer for our friends in the other hemisphere)? 

 

Hhmmm… I feel like the writer of these questions… is pleasuring himself as he reads this…

Pizza Connection. That place was a dive… buy they always got like a 98 on there health inspection. One secret i learned while working there… dump bleach down the sinks/toilet BEFORE a monsoon hits… because the ‘bugs’ know it’s coming before you do… and they’re looking for a dry place.*

*(Insert ex-girlfriend’s vagina joke here)

 

5. Would you eat insects? Not even for a lot of money?  

 

Sure… i mean… I probably eat insects everytime i eat anyway… so yeah… go ahead and pay me!!
*** um… wow!  I would like to just apologize for everything you just read.  I figured some content would be better than none.  But man, this guy has some issues.  This is where I should say something like ‘in no way to the opinions above bla bla blah.  But, this is my site and I could just erase this if I wanted to.    and about the cockroaches?  Like Texas, they are everywhere.  and the worst part?  those fuckers FLY.  Sleep tight, readers!
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Going to the dentist is better than the internet

Stock photo of Painting Showing A Sadistic Dentist On Display In The Pain Passion Compassion & Sensibility Exhibition At The Science Museum West London.

Allow me to explain.  The internet is great.  It has done wonders for everyone, and everything.  We use it every day. But I am not talking about what internet has done for culture, or business, or revolutions.  I am talking about your personal, non work, related uses of the internet. I won’t count games, because you could play games before the internet.  I am talking about how you use it. Mostly, email and porn, right?  Those sure are great.  No one can argue that.

So how is going to the dentist better… or even on par?

Because of Novocaine, that is why!  It was invented by Alfred Einhorn in 1905.  You owe him a big fucking hug right now!  I was at the dentist yesterday, just getting drilled on.  They drilled holes in my goddamn teeth. I saw the teeth before the fixed ‘em up, it was grizzly.  Know what? I didn’t feel a thing. What 100 years ago could have killed me, was instead a minor 30 minute diversion in my day.  Oh, but the needle for the Novocaine! That is the worst!

Guess what it was before the teeny tiny needle?  Well, for the last few hundred years it was plyers.  Before that? A ROCK. Ever been smashed in the face with a rock?  Sure, now it is just known as a dinner date with Suge Knight… but up until about 1905, it was ‘modern dentistry’.  Going to the dentist is the definition of a ‘first world ‘problem’. I want you to think about this next time you are at the dentist.  Go ahead and tell them you don’t like needles, and you will do this without the Novocaine.  Maybe they will pull out their Civil War dentistry kit.

Image result for civil war dentist

In fact, I have a dentist I took forward to.  Don’t worry, I am not a sick bastard.  I fear and delay every dentist appt just like you.  HATE it.  However, when I think about compared to ‘dentistry’ around the civil war… I remember it is pretty great.  Anyhow, this dentist is stunning.  I am sorry to be a pig, and I won’t give you her info, but she is a beautiful Colombian dental surgeon.  In her office, she has TVs mounted in the ceiling.  Then, she gives you the remote and wireless headphones.  The good kind, over the ear.  While you get worked on, you are just laying back and watching TV.

Yeah, email is great.  Texting is better.  I don’t want to talk to you in person, what is this, 1988?  But, I’d rather talk to you on the old fashioned telephone than get a rock in the face.  Come to think of it, were I to get a rock in the face, I prolly couldn’t talk to you anyway.  Hmmn.  Something to consider.

 

a conversation with god at the end

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I figure it will be in two parts.  The first part will be just like ‘Defending your Life’.  This is where we look over critical decisions I made, and did I do the right thing?  Did I pick up that napkin on the sidewalk and throw it out?  Did I pull over and help that motorist?  Did I give him to charity?

I am pretty confident I will pass these tests.  Also, my god is not a neurotic one needing constant validation.  He won’t care if I accept him as my lord and savior… or even if I went to church (I don’t… to both).  He will simply want to know whether I was a good person who left things, and people, better than I found them.

Then, he will ask “did you keep your phone clean?”

The outside?

No, the inside.  The computer part.  Did I clear my cache and cookies?  Often?  Did I use that ‘Clean Master’ thing at least daily?  Did I powercycle my phone at least once a day?  Did I actually go into ‘settings’ and applications and clear the cache monthly?  Did I keep my virus thingy up to date?  Did I close apps I wasn’t using, to save RAM and battery?  Did I NEVER dare to let it die from an empty battery?

Yes, god.  I did.

God:  I know.  Why?

Friday Fives – watery postal justice edition

Image result for black power mandala jungian

You get to make one law that goes into effect no matter how outrageous. What is it?

If you take a turn without using a turn signal (and I don’t care if it is in to your driveway), the steering wheel comes off.   ALSO…  if your wipers are on, so should be your headlights.  ALWAYS.  I am going to hardwire that shit into every single car.  Other than that, you are doing great!

You get to host your own TV talk show.  Who are your first three guests? 

James Taylor, Barack Obama, Bobby Seale, and Harry Belafonte.

Oooh, and Christopher Lloyd, America’s greatest living character actor.

You get to choose the actor to portray you in the movie made of your life.  Who do you cast? 

Easy, Paul Giamatti.  Schlubby, talented, funny, and better looking than you think.  I am  a little embarrassed to admit I have thought about this before.  Only because I am almost positive this question has come up.

You just got arrested for murder in the middle of the night while you were in bed. They say you killed a mailman on March 10, 2019. How do you prove your innocence?

Aren’t mailmen up early?  BAM.  I am not.  Ask anyone I have ever met.  Ask my wife!  Not even for a good murderin’ would I get up at sunrise.  That being said, fuck that guy!  I see how he looks at my wife.  I see how he just jams the mail in there with no care.  And I know he hit my dog.  Oh, I’ll kill him alright!  Hear that, Richard?  I am coming for you!  YOU WILL PAY.  Umm… I mean… I don’t even know who delivers the mail.  But… WWPGD?   What would Paul Giamatti do?  Probably an unnecessary and overly dramatic soliloquy oscar bait speech.  Speaking of, here is the greatest of those of all time.  I can watch his over and over again, and I quote it too often in life.

Third prize?  Third prize is you’re fired!  I know this isn’t Paul Giamatti, and it really has nothing to do with anything.  Watch it anyway. It’s a master class in acting and delivery.

You have unlimited resources and seven days to end the world in the most creative way possible. How would you do it?

6 days of fall in Colorado.  Absolute paradise!  There is no finer place on Earth than October in Colorado.  Then… I rise the sea levels until every Republican is forced to finally acknowledge climate change is happening.  From my mountain vista in Colorado (at 6,200 feet) the last thing I hear is their hollow apologies.  THEN… I take that fuckface of a mailman and drown him with my last breath.  Eat some watery karmic justice, Rich!

 

Stranger in a Strange Land – casting the film

I am listening to Heinlan’s ‘Stranger in a Strange Land’.  Wish I could tell you I was reading it, but I don’t have the time.  Well… I guess I don’t make the time.  I am a little more than halfway through it.  It isn’t just very well written, it is very well narrated.  This then becomes a total ‘theater of the mind’ experience as I drive.  Because it is so well told, and on so many levels… I am casting the movie in my head.  I don’t do this with every book, just the extraordinary ones (like Christopher Moore stuff).  The book is a story about a Martian on Earth, and the oddness that comes with it. The first name that came to mind was Giovanni Ribisi.  Not even sure what role he would play. I just think he is the best actor around, and so I would see anything he works in. Even though… dude is a Scientologist.   Then, I thought “wait, this is a movie about Martians. Wouldn’t Scientologists be perfect?” But then, their thought lawyers sent my thoughts a cease and desist.

There are a lot of Scientologist actors.  So why not? Let’s cast the movie using nothing but Scientologists.  First, a quick primer on Scientology and why it’s pertinent to aliens.

Scientology is ironically very well grounded in Freudian psychology.  They believe that traumatic experiences and repressed emotions are fucking you up and keeping you from being happy.  I say it’s ‘ironic’ because Scientologists are militantly against psychology. True story. This is so odd because up to this point, their stuff is based on very sound psychology. They (Scientologists) also believe the answer to these issues is through therapy.  This is where we diverge. In order to purge yourself of these repressed issues, you need to take a series of incredibly expensive classes to reach enlightenment. It’s called ‘going up the Bridge’ and costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. 

The end goal is their version of enlightenment (or… Nirvana)… it is called ‘going Clear’.  To attend these classes is to ‘audit’ them. I find that an amusing term, since ‘auditing’ a class in college is when you don’t pay, but you also don’t get credit.  Nothing I said above is controversial, or secret. And it isn’t weird… yet.

Here is where it gets weird, and why Scientologists are so roundly mocked.  I am going to try and sum up thousands of pages of content into a few sentences.  They believe that the true root of your issues and unhappiness come from outer space.  A 100 million years ago, there was this horrible immortal volcano ghost/god/monster named Xenu.

 Think of a whole box of Satans together, all imbued with power of god. He took all the people on Earth, and threw them all in a volcano.  However, many of their souls escaped the volcano and their mortal forms. These poor innocent souls escaped the Xenu’s volcano of doom by hiding in 747s.  I know you are thinking that maybe 747s didn’ exist until about 60 years ago, right? Shut up. Because it is about get dumber.

They believe that these escaped souls are still around, and have seeped into your soul.  When they do this, they plant negative thoughts and emotions deep inside you. These self doubt moments are called ‘Engrams’.  You may not be surprised to find out that only Scientologists have the cure/answer to these pesky things. They identify them off you using a very very crude homemade lie detector thing called an ‘e meter’.  It is said that L Ron Hubbard was an OT (operating Thetan, it is the rank system in Scientology) 13.  The highest known OT level of a living man is Tom Cruise.  It is believed he is an OT7.   Know how people who play roll playing fantasy games say things like “I am an orc leader, with plus 25 charisma”.   That is your Scientology OT levels to the rest of us.

Anyhow… see why I may as well cast the whole movie about a benevolent Martian with nothing but Scientologists.  Bonus self imposed challenge? Not using Tom Cruise, the world’s most famous Scientologist.

This book is very influential in the sci-fi cannon.  But according to my thorough research (Rotten Tomatoes & IMDB, no one has made a movie. Let’s make one together, by Xenu!  Do you grok that, crackers?

Characters:

Michael Valentine Smith Ryan Gosling.  He is beautiful to look at, can help carry the box office, and seems super capable of being creepy and staring into space for no reason.

Jill – Laura Prepon.  I am just in love with her.  OH… and I am going to write a scene, for artistic reasons only, that will have Laura Prepon topless. Click here, NSFW

Jubal HarshawIssac Hayes – the character is old and cranky and mean.  Yet, incredibly resourceful and tough as barbwire.  He takes shit from no one.  He also has major contempt for any societal conventions and govt rule.  Who better than a super successful black actor?  Really, it should be Morgan Freeman, but the Scientologist haven’t gotten their hands on him… yet.

Ben Caxton Giovanni Ribisi – just because Ribisi is brilliant in everything?  Remember his breakout role in Friends?  He is Phoebe’s little brother.  “What are your interests?” – (Ribisi’s character – “well, I like things that melt.  and I… uh.. dislike things that don’t melt.”  

Secretary General Joseph DouglasJohn Travolta – perfect for a presidential role  He looks like a president:  handsome, carries himself with confidence, is white, and about the right age.  I know people love to make fun of him, but his acting chops are absolutely top notch.

Ann, Miriam, & DorcasLeah Remini, Elisabeth Moss, and Erika Christensen  These ladies are the very attractive personal assistants to Jubel Hershaw.   Leah is there, also, to rescue them all from the cult.  She is an SP, you know!

Danny Masterson – doesn’t he get a part?  No, fuck him.  He is a rapist.

Soundtrack and musical director – Beck – Beck is awesome.  He is a musical genius, and a great and innovative songwriter.  and of course, is a Scientologist.

 

I have done the hard work, now get out there and raise some capital so we can do this.  This isn’t my first movie rodeo, either.  I wrote about the Dougherty Gang years ago, and now its being made into a movie.

Friday Fives – there is no thru-line here

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*** special guest content at the bottom.  Thanks, James!

 If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

On my back.  I would be backadextrious!®

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 

So they get the superpower, and not me?  Then, invisibility. He can get me lots of money, which he should.  And take naked selfies of hot celebs and send them to me. Now, is it the most fulfilling for him?  No, flying would be. However, we are not concerned about him. He already has my superpower. Know what would be rad about being invisible?  Besides using it to look at nekkid ladies (seriously, that is about 70% of my motivation. Any guy who says otherwise is a dirty liar!) I would use it to hang out in the White House, during any administration, and see what is really going on in there?  Is it more West Wing… we are all eager civil servants with the highest honor of working in the highest office? OR… more House of Cards? Backstabby! I would imagine somewhere between the two.

If you could choose a movie from your youth or past and fill it with CGI and 3D what film would you pick? 

I don’t know, but it makes me think of this.  Know what was really great about movies before computers?  Everything you saw on screen… someone had to do that shit! Look at the chase scene in the Blues Brothers.  They just crush about 20 cop cars. Then, they absolutely destroy Daley Plaza. These days, they would just photoshoppe in all those cars and accidents.  Especially explosions. It’s really easy to walk away from a green screen while they add an explosion in post production. Before about 1990, they really blew shit up.  It was terrific!

What book/movie world would you want to live in and why?

Fish Called Wanda.  Capers and crime and peak hotness Jamie Lee Curtis.  Everyone is a smartass, and everyone is drop dead hilarious.

You’re walking down the street, and look up to a see a man being carried off by a very large bird. What do you do?

Continue to watch.  Not sure he will be back.  Assuming this doesn’t happen often, I’ll need to explain that shit.   WAIT… scratch that. I have my cell phone. Film that shit!

With that being said… what the hell was that question?  What did that have to do with any of this?

 

**** bonus contributor this week.  Jamie, the original ‘Arizona Monkey Boy’ has sent in his.   You must remember Jamie.  You don’t?  Let this masterpiece of storytelling jog your memory >

If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

First… i have a third arm… i keep it in my pants…

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 
flying… not for me… and I’ve talked about this before.

Let’s say Led Zeppelin is doing a concert TONIGHT in Phoenix… you have a free ticket… and all you have to do is fly here. Do you really think you know the way? If it were me… I’d STILL have to take the freeway.

What if the concert was in Paris? Could you FIND Paris while flying? I mean… I know it’s north/east… and if i see the Eiffel Tower… sure… but i won’t be flying at night… that’s for sure!!

I really think flying would be more of a curse… than a blessing.

Flying… you also need PERFECT vision… can’t get cold easily… wind burn protection… and some kind of crazy built in GPS in the brain.

Thoughts?
**** editors note – great perspective, James.  We think of the romantic aspect of flying and a metaphor for freedom.  Really, though… you are just always lost and always cold.  AND… doing favors for all your friends.  You may note that Jamie didn’t even read the question.  The question was what superpower would you give to your friend?
and he is missing most of the questions.  Overall, I give this an A+, though.  His take on flying just nails it.
Update to that update – I asked him to follow up with the rest of the q&a.  and he did… kinda
The other questions don’t interest me. Although… I’d like to live in Wilt Chamberlain’s autobiography… as long as I’m not one of the 20,000 girls. Just do it? More like… just Wilt it.

Anyway… the flying thing has always bugged me. Maybe it’s all the PTSD I have from delivering pizzas. I can just picture myself delivering a pizza… and flying at 2 mph… and saying… where the f_ck is this house?!

Flying would be good for commuting to work and home… that’s it. There’s no real way to make money doing it… but you could save a little.

Friday Fives – culinary bs

Image result for stroganoff

Have you ever had a nightmare formal dining experience?

No.  But we rarely go out.  And pretty much never to really nice places.  We both like to cook, so why spend the money?  When we do go out to eat (about once a month), it is ALWAYS Mexican.  It’s not even discussed.

What is the worst thing to serve at an all you can eat buffet? 

Arson?  Chicken.  Chicken dries out so very easily.  Odds are, it was already dried out the minute they plated it.  If not, 10 minutes or more under a heat lamp will just leave you with shoe leather.  And chicken is my favorite food, so its hurts me to say this.

What is your quick to prepare and impress for company dinner to host with just minutes notice?

I regard myself as an incredible improv cook.  I used to call it drunk cooking, but I don’t drink much anymore.  Put me in your house.  You have a meat of some kind in the fridge or freezer?  A couple veggies?  Got a starch?  Got some spices?  Every middle age home has these things.  I can feed you all with something super tasty that is just pulled out of my (metaphoric) ass.   Go ahead, test me!

What is your grab and go reliable lunch to take to work?

Yogurt.  Yummy, portable, cheap, low sugar, and high protein.  (note how I still incorporate the Oxford comma in a group of four.  Don’t be a dick!)

What is your favorite dish that your mom used to make for you?

Many, but her beef stroganoff*** was my favorite.

 

 

*** spellcheck is telling me stroganoff is not a word.  Either I am spelling it wrong, or Bill Gates had a shitty childhood with no stroganoff.  Let’s just assume the latter.