Friday Fives – i miss Chris Cornell

What should be optional instead of required?

Conference calls.  NOTHING is getting done on them.  Because of cross talk, and everyone coming in late and introducing themselves.  And us-recapping what he missed.  Its never worked.

What is a word or phrase that instantly makes your cringe?

it is what it is

What two professions should never be combined?

Lobbyist… and anything/everything else

What song is currently on loop in your head?

Seasons.  Chris Cornell died today, and we are all just still reeling.  So much to say about him.  Ok, here is a bit.  As you know, I track everything in and about rock.    When rock stars are asked about their dream group, every one of them says “chris cornell on vocals”.  He isn’t wasn’t just a stunning singer, but well loved and appreciated.  He was also in the middle of a HUGE resurgence lately.  Temple of the Dog was just re-released this year, and he toured on that.  Soundgarden is back together.  He played a Soundgarden show last night, the night he killed himself.  They were supposed to be here in Denver on Monday.

AND… the AMAZING Singles soundtrack was JUST reissued.  I mean JUST.  I ordered mine 4 months ago, and got it in the mail today.  Chris Cornell is hotter now than possibly ever.  Here, just stop and listen to this.  It’s the song I mentioned above, and it is how and when I fell in love with Chris Cornell.  Forever, in Soundgarden… he just screamed.  That was it, every song.  On this song, though, he sings.  He sings his dick off!

I’ll ad this.  I wrote this about him 5 years ago.

What’s your theory on how the moon was formed?

Haven’t even thought about it.  I assume, like everything in space (us included)… it is a space rock that broke off of a bigger space rock.  Wait!  What does have this have to do with anything?  Are you still on this kick that man never went to lunch, and it whole moon lunch thing was fake?

We just lost one of the nicest and most powerful and respected rock stars of our generation.  All you can talk about is whether NASA really had lunch together in 1969?  Mythbusters already addressed all of this.

getting change at Pawn Stars


An imagined scene in Pawn Stars

Customer walks in, let’s call him Bob.  Camera pans to behind the counter.  We have Rick and Chumlee there.

Rick:  Whatcha got for me, boss?

Bob:  A $100 bill.  I’d like some change, my daughter wants to ride the old electronic 25 cent pony machine out front

Rick:  $100 bill, huh?  Ok, what are you looking to get for it?

Bob: just some change, a $100 worth.  Any denomination would be fine

Rick (holding the bill up against the light, examining it carefully) – Well, it looks pretty good to me.  Lemme call in my buddy James.  James helps me with all things currency related

Bob:  Really?  Is that necessary?  Are you afraid it’s counterfeit?  Should I be afraid?

Rick:  Let’s just hang tight and have James take a look

James:  Rick and the guys bring me in whenever they have questions about money stuff.  I am the head narfel at the Clark County Currency Museum, Pez Vault, and overnight weed dispensary. Medical only, of course.   Ok, Rick, whaddya got for me?

Rick:  well, this gentleman brought in a $100 bill, and I am just looking to you for some advice on what you think it’s worth.

James:  well, upon a quick look, everything checks out.  Stardand treasurey $100 bill, this one looks to be 2 years old, and the serial numbers line up with his story

Rick:  So, it’s good?

James:  Well, the only real way to tell with these things is to tear it in half.  Then, dip both halves in mayonnaise and then light it on fire.  If it’s real, it will smell just awful.  Of course, you risk ruining the bill that way… but it’s the only way to be sure.

Bob:  Whoah, hey.  Let’s not do that.  I just wanted some change, sideburns here says the bill is fine.

Chumlee:  Hey mister, I’ll give you a $100 for it

Rick:  See, Chum?  That is why I don’t let you here a lone.  You’d have us bankrupt in 2 weeks.  Bob, whaddya looking to get here?

Bob:  $100 back in change.  My god, this is all really weird, and I still don’t know why you have 4 cameras aimed at me.  Maybe a $50 back, couple $20s, and then some smaller stuff so my little girl can ride the horsey out front

Rick:  well, Bob.  I can tell you that had you come in here about 10 years ago, this would have really been worth something.  In the rapping heyday, everything was about the Benjamin’s (factoid pop’s up on the screen about how Franklin is the only non president on a bill).  Man… ten years ago we could really got a deal.  These days, barely worth what it’s printed on.  Tell ya what; you did come all the way down here.  How does $50 sound?

Bob:  you want to take my $100 bill, and only offer me $50 in change?  That’s nuts.  I’ll just take it back and head somewhere else

Rick:  Listen, man.  I totally understand.  Here’s the thing.  I buy this from you, I gotta store it.  I gotta get it in, and then back out, of the register.  Probably several times.  Then, I gotta go have Chum make a bank deposit run.  He’ll get half way there and run into a strip club and forgot why I sent him out.  Best I can do is $75, and that’s with me probably taking a loss on this one.

Friday Fives – driveaway


What vehicle do you drive?

 One of two, depending on the commute.  For this purpose, we’ll reference my truck.  2007 Toyota Tundra

truck pic May 2017

 How long have you had it? 

 10 years, 175K miles

 What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?

 Being able to control the stereo with the steering wheel controls.  Even though it’s a given on every car, I still really really love that feature

 What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?

 It’s too big.  It needs to be big to tow the horses and the Red Cross trailers.  As a daily driver, though, it’s just too damn big.  Oh, and terrible mileage.  First world problem, for sure.

 If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?

 One of the older Tacomas’ that I had.  Like…2003.  It’s a perfect truck.  Aggressive, responsive, practical, fun.  Now, since money isn’t an issue, I amk putting a V8 in there.  Then, heated seats.  I don’t even want leather… just heated.  I would also put a subwoofer in.  I don’t know anything about watts, and I don’t want something that can shatter a glass of wine.  This truck, though, has as subwoofer and it really makes a big difference.  Does Bose make car stereos?  If they did, I would get that.  They are just amazing.  For tires?  Prolly go with the BFG mud terrains.  A lift?  No.  Here is how I want my tires.  This is exactly what I tell the guy Discount every time.  Give me the biggest tire you can safely put on there.

 How about electric?  No.  I love the idea for a commuting car to be electric, but a truck?  Weird.  No.  What about stick shift vs automatic?  Can I have both?  OOOH… I would build this ?  You know how they have dual climate control now?  Well, they have had it for a while… my 2007 has it.  I want something similar.  I want to be able to have heat at my feet and cool air at my face.  Remote start?  For sure!

Wait.  I have all this stuff in my truck now, and it’s paid off.  Why start over?  I’ll just keep that.  and a BMW convertible


Ralph Thomas Dolphin Ford


If there is one thing I know more than car sales, it’s dolphin care.  Do you know what sells cars?  Dolphins!  Know what dolphins love?  Being trapped in an above ground swimming pool in the desert… in a parking lot.  Obviously that isn’t true at all, you caught me.  What dolphins love more than above ground swimming pools in desert parking lots when its 120 degrees out half the year… is selling cars.  Seriously.  Don’t believe me?  Go ahead and google it, I’ll wait right here.

Don’t know how or why I thought of this, but it was a real thing.  It was a car dealership in Phx, AZ that had a fucking dolphin in their parking lot.  It seems beyond odd, and bordering on cartoon villain evil.  Sadly, it is long since gone.  I would KILL for photos of this whole operation, but this was early or mid 80s.

Friday Fives – air marshal edition

Do you like traveling or are you counting the minutes until the transporter is perfected?

LOVE traveling, and I think it just got about 50% easier.  I now have TSA Pre.  I haven’t used it yet, I just got it a few days ago.  Lot’s of fine print, but I am pretty sure I am basically an air marshal now.  I anticipate an easier life.  Less lines, less searching, less removing of clothes.

If you could visit any country in the world right now, where would you go?

Cuba.  We are close, SO close.  Travel isn’t blocked anymore, but it isn’t really open, either.  Basically, you can get a special educational visa if you give these tourist trap places a few grand.  Then they take you on their little censored tour.  Am thinking a year or two will be fine.  Need to get there soon.  Mark my words, it will be Disney South in ten years, and have zero culture left.

 What is your favorite form of travel?

Well, that was a tie between driving and flying.  Flying is great as you get to go 700 mph with zero effort.  But, the airport and security is such a monster pain in the ass.  You lose a couple hours each way just dealing with an airport, parking, security, etc etc.

Driving is great because you come and go on your own schedule.  PLUS, you don’t need to rent a car when you get there.  PLUS, you can bring your dogs.  PLUS, you won’t get patted down for bombs like I do every fucking time I fly.  Now I have the background check thingy from the TSA.  So, maybe I’ll go back to flying.

Here is a specific example.  Let’s say I am going to Phx, AZ… which we do very often.  That is about a 14 hour drive.  Whether we fly or drive is literally a coin flip.

Our last Mexico vaca was the bomb.  Won’t tell you where it is, as it is a pretty remote island.  To get there was a 5 and half hour flight, then a 2 hour bus ride, then a 45 minute boat ride, and then on the back of an ATV to get to our beach-side cabin.  Yeah… ATV.  No cars allowed on the island.

 What is the longest vacation/holiday that you’ve ever been on?

2 weeks in SE Asia.  It was amazing.  I will go again tomorrow.  To get there, though, 20 hours of flying each way.  I wrote a bunch about it here, though.  The ‘Travel Thai-aries®

Would you travel for a living?

I want to say yes.  However, from everyone I know that travels… the romance wears off quick.  That is when you just want to be home.  And dealing with parking and security every single day would drive me nuts.  So, I guess the answer is no.

Friday Fives – I shot Lincoln edition


Someone brings you a box full of everything you have ever lost, but you can only take three items. What do you take?

My beautiful long hair, my aunt Sharon, my last United States President

The last thing you purchased is now illegal to own. What is it?

Soup?  You fuckers made soup illegal?  This is BULLSHIT.  Thanks a lot, Trump

What is the best accent and why?

English, because people with that accent just sound smarter.  Sorta like how Southern accents make people sound dumb?  Same thing.

You are thrown back in time 200 years, and need to prove the local authorities that you are highly educated. What do you do?

Hmm.  200 years ago?  That puts us at 1817?  What was happening in 1817?  Just thinking off the top of my head, we have slavery and the civil war around 1860… cars around 1900, and that rapid and insane industrialization all over the world shortly after.  BUT… what happened of consequence in the early 1800s?

See, I am thinking that I need something historical about to happen, so I can say ‘told you so, dickless!’   but… that isn’t what the result would be, is it?  If I said ‘Abe Lincoln will be killed tomorrow’ and it happens… am I a hero?  A seer?  No.  They would either assumed I was directly involved in the killing, or some kind of evil magician.

What is the best thing you have seen thrown out

A vacuum.  I was working at Target  in college, and Target was really big on talking about all the good they did in their community.  It was Christmas time, so Target was especially talking about their love of the proletariat.  Anyhow, there was a really nice vacuum that was a display model, and it was being thrown out.  The planogram (official store layout) had changed.  Now that the vacuum was no longer being featured on an end-cap, it was to be thrown away.  It was brand new, never even used.  Just taken out of the box.  I thought ‘let’s sell it as used’… or… give it to one of these poor families we are always celebrating… or give it to an employee.  Shit, it was Christmas-time.  Give it to an employee.  We all made minimum wage.  For me, it was fine… I had no overhead as a college kid.  My friends there had kids… lots of them… and made minimum wage.  It’s a chiche, but many of them couldn’t afford to shop there.  Target isn’t that cheap.  Target is great because you can get everything there, but if you are poor… you shop at Wal Mart.

And this $400 vacuum was just thrown out.  That super pissed me off.  Not just 21 years ago, but to this day.  I think I am still cheesed about it because they asked me to throw it out.  I remember putting it at the top and edge of the dumpster, hoping a peer would steal it out.  I don’t remember if they did.

Another thing I didn’t like, since we are here… you had to work at Target for a year an a half before you could get health care.  Again, when you could get it, many couldn’t afford it… as they only made minimum wage at the time – $4.80.  This isn’t for me, I was just covering a reasonable rent on a college pad.  I didn’t have a car, and I had health care from my folks.  Minimum wage was fine for me, but it would suck ass if I had kids.  Stupid kids.

Friday Fives explains crop dust circles


What was your favorite past time in high school?

Besides the usual stuff of parties and cars and girls and all those other Springsteen tropes?  Playing football.  I wasn’t on the official team, for a variety of reasons.  However, every day at lunch we would meet at the field and play tackle football.  It was great fun, I still miss it.

What is your all time favorite board game game?

Stratego.  I think it’s out of print, took me years to find it.  Totally holds up.  Just can’t find anyone else who cares.  So… it just sits there in the corner.  Know something weird about board games?  I think there were all made by Milton Bradley.  Know what other board game Milton Bradley makes?  Ouija board.  Yeah, doesn’t that seem kinda fucked up?  I have never gone near one, and have no intention to.  Even though I am pretty confident it’s total bs.

What is the last movie you saw at the theater and what did you think of it?

I think it was probably La La Land.  It was enjoyable.  You can do a lot worse than staring at Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling for a couple of hours.  I have the hots for Emma, and it’s safe to say wifey feels the same about Gosling.

What is something (no matter what kind of mood your in) that makes you happy the moment you do it, see it, or hear it?


Do you believe that crop circles are made by human or alien?

I think this has long been settled, has it not?  Englishmen, pranksters… use wood boards held up with ropes to gently tramp down the crops, using their body weight over the boards.  They move along ‘tramlines’, which are the unplanted walkways designed for farmers to quickly move around their fields on ATVs or such.  Ok, ran a google and found out I was right I am Correct.… pretty much on every single point I had remembered.