Friday Fives – I **** like a Beast!

breath-wooden-puzzle-8_400xIn high school, which group of kids were you part of?

Well, I was a longhaired metal head.  I am supposed to tell you that High School was a disaster, I was awkward as hell.  I had no friends, and was a freak.  That is the classic answer.  No, high school was awesome.  I was popular, had friends, and had a party to go to most weekends.  And enough cool and interesting friends that if there wasn’t a party… we would create one.  And girls would show up.

What was awful when you were a kid but amazing now?

         Tomatoes.  Onions.  Cooking in general. 

What’s your story about seeing a celebrity out in public?

We were in Phx outside a nice hotel, don’t remember.  But really nice.  A limo pulls up, and a bunch of humongous black guys get out.  This is very close to me, it was quite exciting, as the next person out of the limo was Don King.  If you have had the occasion to see Don King in person, I can tell you this.  At no time do you say to yourself or whomever is around ‘is that Don King?’  perhaps if you are under 40 reading this, you don’t know the name.  So, I linked it above.

Anyhow… that wasn’t’ the end.  Don King didn’t need 8 bodyguards bigger than NFL lineman.  But the next guy to get out of the limo apparently did – Mike Tyson.  It was super cool.  They went into the hotel, end of story.

Talking about a celeb who you have not questions about, a couple of years ago, wifey saw Dog Chapman at DIA (Denver’s airport).  It’s not unreasonable, he lives here as much or more than Hawaii.  “what did he look like?”, I asked.  She said “exactly what you think he would look like.” – ie  

Do you remember the first time you went to a record store?  

Not the first time, but many many subsequent.  Being a music nut, record stores were my default place to kill an afternoon.  Specifically, Tower Records.  I have stories about meeting Dave Mustaine, Joe Satriani, and others.  Not just sightings, mind you, but full anecdotes about interactions with them.

Do you remember the cassingle?

I assume you mean a cassette that isn’t a full album?  Sure!  I grew up in the cassette era, the 80’.  Here even is a ‘cassingle’ story.  WASP had a new song out called ‘Animal: Fuck like a Beast’.  I called Tower Records to see if they had it.  It was a 3 mile bike ride (in the 120 degree summer Phoenix heat) so I wanted to make sure it was there.  I said something like ‘do you have the new single from WASP, Animal”.  I dared not say the f word over the phone.  He said “you mean Fuck Like a Beast?”  I blushed. I blushed so hard he could feel it from 3 miles away.  They did, and I went down and picked it up.  I’ll not embed the video below, in case you are at work, home, or on the lam.  But, here it is for your enjoyment. 

You know who prolly fucks like a beast?  Mike Tyson!

why are they opening banks? I mean… what is actually happening?

KC Inno - Why Hoefer Welker designed a prefabricated bank building in Blue  Springs

Two questions for you to start and finish my point.  1) what are the building up there by the strip mall?   2) when was the last time you were in a bank?  More than anything in the last fives years, I have seen banks being built.  Banks are going up at the rate of Urgent Care centers.   By ‘bank’, I mean any physical building that has the name bank at the end.  No one goes to the bank anymore, not like we used to.  It’s April, and I have not been in a bank this year.  Money is virtual.  The more money goes virtual, the more banks they are building.  Something is going on here.

When I see a building being built, I have so many optimistic hopes.  First is always, is it a cash wash?  A Mexican restaurant?  A mechanic?  A movie theater?

I stopped asking.  It would seem every single new building built in the last 5 years is either a bank, or an ‘urgent care’.

I don’t know what it is, but we can likely start by blaming Wells’ Fargo.  Remember this?  Instead of jailing the execs, they all got bad bonuses (while being indicted) and laid off 40K rank and file workers, blaming them.

These assholes should all be strung up in the town square and stoned.  Btw, not saying I am the same as Jesus, but that was one of his biggest beefs – ‘usury’.  Lending money at a rate that can’t practically be paid back.  Jesus fucking hated bankers, and I do too.  Yes I can that say!  You believe that god created me, right?  And so god also created language?  And that god is in all of us?  Then I can say Jesus loved almost everyone… except bankers.  Dude was prescient.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Wells Fargo & Co WFC.N has agreed to pay $3 billion to resolve criminal and civil probes into fraudulent sales practices and has admitted to pressuring employees in a fake-accounts scandal, U.S. officials said on Friday, wrapping up one of the last major investigations looming over the bank.

Top managers within Wells Fargo’s Community Bank division were aware of the “unlawful and unethical” practices as early as 2002, and many of the practices were referred to as “gaming” within the bank, the Justice Department said.

Don’t believe me?  Read the bible.  Or watch this.  Actually, just watch this movie.  It’s a lot truer*

*Truer® – a word I may have just invented.  Sure, can say ‘more true’, but I just saved you like an hour at the end of your life by shortcutting that.  And that is truer than anything I have said before!  Why are banks opening new physical branches daily as currently becomes more and more digital/virtual?  I think there is some kind of large scale laundering going on here.  “Where did our billions go last year?  Oh, not to our CEO’s god daughters’ bat mitzvah!  No, we have been opening branches around the country!  Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

#slapgate #slapstrong #oscarstrong #gatestrong

WTF?  Look at these pictures.  That is a group of A Listers ‘comforting’ Will Smith after he jumped a guy in front of about a hundred million people.  This isn’t about the slap.  It’s about the aftermath.  and they the hell aren’t people distancing themselves?  Like that time when I tried to slap Bradley Cooper at Starbucks?  NO ONE came to my defense!  Where was the white power elite?  You know… um… James Taylor, Bill Clinton, Carrot Top.

Cooper could be seen consoling Smith in the moments after the unscripted onstage meltdown

Denzel Washington, left, Will Smith, center,  and Tyler Perry, console an emotionally unstable Will Smith during the Oscars

Denzel, Tyler Perry, and Bradley Cooper rush to help and comfort Will Smith.  Right after he beat that guy.  I don’t see anyone rushing to the victim.  If this was Kanye smacking people, it wouldn’t be a scandal. We know he is deeply nuts.  But Will Smith was the likable non threatening guy.  I not only lost respect for Smith, but for all of his little butt boy celeb tenders.  And there is a LOT of back and forth ‘who was right, or who was wrong’.  There is no discussion.   None.  A comedian, whose soul job it is to make fun of people and tell jokes, did so.  Will Smith laughed.  Initially.  Couple other things to remember, that do not help his case.  When he won, he apologized to everyone EXCEPT Chris Rock.  Also, when he won, he got a standing ovation.  From the same fucking people who just watched him jump a guy.

Lastly, Will Smith partied his dick off at an Oscar’s after party.  THEN, a day or two later is a tearful apology.  Will Smith is a dick.  And why did black power elite (I just made that term up, but I think its accurate) immediately rally to Will.  You just know Will is the kinda guy now who throws boiling coffee at his assistants when they mess up his food order.  Speaking of his tearful apologies... that is some Oscar worthy acting.

How does it get solved?  I’ll tell you the only way.  Chris Rock, and Will Smith sit down with Gayle King and power through the issues.  the anger, the embarrassment, the fallout, the works!  We need some time, too.  Heck, they need some time.  Lord knows their publicists need some time.  So, let’s set this for late summer.  That is the long term grown up solution.  Wanna patch this up quick, and control the narrative?  Both need to get on to SNL pronto (and unannounced) and do a bit.  These are the choices.  otherwise, Will Smith has a long decade in the desert to ‘hug the cactus‘.  Word is Will Smith has already lost several projects.

Btw, how thrilled are Ellen and James Corden right now?  Both have been brutalized in the media for being total dicks.  Elllen lost her show because of it.  Well, she never decked anyone.  Correction, she prolly has.  She never decked anyone on national live tv.

before some ahole starts calling this ‘slap-gate’, or ‘Oscar-gate’, I am claiming that stupid shit.  Same with that stupid suffix #strong.   I can prove it.  I am #GateStrong