Day 12 as Morrissey’s personal assistant

tired-worker-11113002Brought him his dry cleaning. He looked at the tackiest shirt, his ‘dearest’ and freaked. He said “you call this a 60/30/10 collar starch”. Then, he threw his warm tea at me. Then he fired me, and began crying… again. Don’t be concerned about the collar. I am pretty sure there is no such thing as a 60/30/10 anything. Neither did the dry cleaner. He asked if I wanted light, heavy, or medium starch. Then, he yelled ‘and that is for the shirt. You don’t starch a collar, dumb ass.”   To be fair, that angry little Asian man did NOT throw hot tea at me… so we have no beef.

The tea was tepid. I learned that one quick. Doesn’t Morrissey like his tea hot? One would assume so. However, I have never seen him drink a sip. Usually, I come in every morning with his comically long chai/coffee/tea drink order, and whatever errands he gave me the night before. Inevitably, I screwed up one of these tasks so horribly that the only choice he has is to throw boiling chai in my face and proceed to cry.

It’s kinda ironic if you think about it. The one thing I actually do screw up every day is getting him a tepid tea. Before he gets to the tea, though, he is usually so upset about something else. One day, he may get to the tepid tea. He will of course be very disappointed. He will likely then throw said tea in my face and … well… you know.

So, I have learned to wear a shirt I don’t care about into the office (its’ a dirt walled basement under a closed down amusement park. Says it helps him connect with his sadness hole… seriously… used those words verbatim) and I bring a couple changes of clothing.

I know what it sounds like, but it’s a pretty great job.   I get paid a ton, and don’t have to do much. He doesn’t trust me to do anything for him. However, he has had such insanely high turnover in personal assistants that he just wants someone who won’t leave him. Those words exactly, its in our contract.  The contract?  It’s a thing of beauty, you should see it.  It’s 15 pages of things like ‘promises not to be mean to me’.  What it doesn’t have?  A confidentiality clause.  Guess he wrote it himself.  The last lawyer left here in huff, years ago.  Covered in boiling hot tea, of course.

Uh oh, silence from the other room. This means he has stopped crying, and coming my way. Have to go, talk soon!

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Friday Fives – future edition

What is the future of radio?

Tough to say, as I have already left radio far, far behind. The current offerings of radio left me nothing, so I left them. Before I go on a rant (and believe me, I will!) let me be specific when I say I left radio behind. I stopped listening to radio years ago, and then I broke the antenna on my truck. Never fixed it. Don’t have radio in my truck, and I don’t need it.

Radio offers this – on the music side, you have many choices. However, they are all owned by one company.   ALL of them… in EVERY market… are owned by Clear Channel. Clear Channel has a play list of about 20 songs that they rotate. If you drive for more than an hour, you get repeats. A LOT. Because of Clear Channel, I can’t enjoy Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, or Blues Traveler anymore. They saturated the shit out of those bands, like they do all their bands.  I am sad.  I love music.  I have 9 different Dave Matthews discs.  Now, I can barely stand the band, and it is their fault.

The country stations do the same thing, as they have the same owner. Now, I love the Zac Brown Band. Even though I hate country, he is awesome. I keep the radio on in the barn on country. Actually, the cat changed it to country from KBCO… twice. True story. Anyhow, every time I go into the barn they are playing Zac Brown. What Clear Channel is doing to bands is what happened to Hootie, and what happened to the Spin Doctors.

On the other side you have talk radio. Lots of Jeebus stuff, which does me no good. I am an atheist. There is political talk radio, which does me nothing. Either it’s right wing, and infuriates me, or is left wing and I just agree mostly. No value there. Gimme something down the middle that is thoughtful. Actually, NPR is great, but I listen to all those programs as podcasts so I can do it on my own time.

So… back to your question… what is the future of radio?  What am I, the Sage?  If you were from Denver, you’d be laughing your ass off right now.

I dunno, but I can’t tell you whatever it is now isn’t the solution. Clear Channel I Heart Media is bent on just destroying everything.   Did you know the eliminated local DJs? Specifically, if you are listening to a radio station anywhere in the Southwest, you aren’t hearing a local DJ. All of the radio talent for the Southwest is done from Denver. When Uncle Creepy tells you the news and weather for Salt Lake city, it means there is a song playing in Denver covering him. In Phoenix, it is commercials. Now he puts on a record in Salt Lake City and he magically appears as Uncle Nasty in the Denver market. Yes, a single DJ is working in 3 to 4 cities simultaneously. It is called ‘voice-tracking’.

My only hope for you is they are at least sharing the amazing DJ Bret Saunders from kbco. He is the greatest, ever. Sweet and warm and funny and thoughtful and knowledgeable. I wish he had a podcast so I could hear just him and not his shit radio station playing the latest white hipster drivel.  I miss listening to him, with the busted radio and all.  I often ask my wifey, who listens to BCO every morning on the way to work ‘how is Bret these days?  I miss him!’. Even more, I miss the Sage!  I wish I could tell you this was conspiracy nonsense… about how your DJ doesn’t exist… but it’s true. It is the business model called ‘voice-tracking’. Really, it is. Click here.

Explained here by the Wall St Journal

a practice called “voice-tracking,” Clear Channel pipes popular out-of-town personalities from bigger markets to smaller ones, customizing their programs to make it sound as if the DJs are actually local residents.

Oh, and this.  I have met Brett several times, and he is absolutely as wonderful as you think he would be.  I am lucky to live in Denver, where the Clear Channel  I heart media ‘mothership’ is.  All of our talent is actually here, so they do local events in person.

side note, Clear Channel changed their name.  I got something to say on that.  Let’s just step outside for this conversation.

Geesh, this is getting long winded.  Let’s stop for a word from our sponsor

 What is the future of network television?

I feel bad for network television. They are getting swept under by cable. Why, and how? Cable is willing to be way more risqué than the networks. They all go by the exact same rules. Well, I am talking about basic cable here. Like networks, neither can swear or show nudity… until after 10 pm. The networks are trying to hold on to a modicum of decency by not lowering themselves to the base programming of its basic cable cousins. Yet… what they do show is entirely fucked up. Every show is a homicide show about dead hookers. How is that taking the high road compared to breaking bad?

What is the future of bookstores? 

Moot question, they are already gone

What is the future of music stores?

Moot question, they are already gone

 What is the future of alternate fuels?

Well, it is the only solution. We can’t keep funding terrorist muslim states, AND polluting our environment at the same time. Alternative fuels eliminates both those problems. How goddamn hard is that for people to understand?

Validation!

Ok, good news.  I am not crazy.  I am not just saying that because a Facebook quiz was able to validate my lucidity.  Nope!  I am sober as a judge.  See, when I grew up, there used to be crazy people, all kinds.  Not anymore, everyone just has a disorder.  Don’t believe me?

People used to have ‘road rage’.  And… we used to call them ‘assholes’.  No more.  They simply have ‘Intermittent Explosive Disorder’.  I told you about this back in June of ’06.

Wait, there’s more!  Did you know that there are people who cut off their limbs?  Yes, perfectly good limbs getting cut off my their owners.  Nutjob?  Wack case?  David Caruso?  Nope… another disorder.  I wrote about several of these over the years.  It was a series I call ‘ a good smackin’.  My bitch was this this > personal accountability is gone.  We are a society of victims.

Me?  Not a victim.  I rose above our blame culture to take accountability!  I was courageous enough to point out what a bunch of sally’s you all were.  Really, I was a hero in this arena.  That is, until last Friday.  You know if you have read more than one post from me, or spent more than one week with me, I hate mornings.  Secretly, I thought it was me being lazy.  I think my family thinks that too.  I know my wife thinks so.  Well, now I got a disorder too.

That may be because evening people show increased motor cortex and spinal cord excitability in the evening, about 9 p.m., meaning they had maximal central nervous system drive at that time, Lagerquist said.

Morning people, on the other hand, never achieve this level of central nervous system drive because the excitability of the motor cortex does not coincide with the excitability of the spinal cord. In other words, these two measures never peak at the same time, he said. Early birds’ brains were most excitable at 9 a.m. and slowly decreased throughout the day.

See, what this means is that you peak at 9 am.  That’s it, you are done for the day.  Each passing minute after 9 am, you become even dumber.  Impressive.  Insightful.  Explains a lot, don’t it?

Yet, with me…  nearly every second you encounter me… I am getting better.  As the day grows on, I am getting smarter and stronger every minute.  You might be thinking my awesomeness can barely be contained, and you would be correct.  It’s fun being correct, isn’t it?  You should try it more often.  I wake up every day and remind myself how great it is being right.  American, I am your gift… and you are welcome.

What I really need is a disorder name.  Everyone gets one.  People with Road Rage have Intermittant Explosive Disorder.  Your kid isn’t a hyper spaz, she just has adhd.   Your brother didn’t chop his arm off after eating way too much acid, he has Apotemnophilia.  You may not be a lazy good for nothing emotional waste of space…  scientists say you may just be a ‘teenager’.

See, once I get a name for my disorder… I am then a protected class.  What does that mean?  It means if you wake me up I will sue your ass!  I also think it means I can come into work whenever I feel like it, racist.

The good news is that I will clearly not beat your ass.  Apparently, you are fierce like a lion at 9 am.  Me?  Not so much.  Come 9 pm, though, I am outside your house and ready to box.  You better not be in bed, pussy!

Batshit Crazy

This is a term Hunter Thompson used to use for folks like the guy below. This guy is explaining to Congress and Homeland Security that their is a Government helicopter in his back yard spying on him. This is too surreal to explain further. Careful, this guy flies into a crazed tailspin of angry verbiage at the end… so keep the volume low at work.


Man, talk about someone in need of a good smackin!

*** best part:  he mentions his ‘wife’ somewhere in the rant.  Me thinks he is talking about his cat(s)

Oh, now it’s a disease?

You know I like to talk medical with you folks, and lord knows I am qualified. You remember some time ago we talked about how America is tranquilizing their teenagers, then wonder why they get depressed. At the time, my diagnosis for a troubled or anti-social teenager is a good smackin’. This would save American business exactly one kazillion dollars in fees, lawsuits, and medication subsidies.

Shortly after my breakthrough on teenage problems, I broke the news right here in these pages that people were chopping off their limbs on purpose. Don’t worry, some doctor gave it a name (body integrity identity disorder) and now they ain’t crazy… it was a disease. That is what the doctor says. Guess what I say? They crazy. I mean, like, still votin’ for Ralph Nader crazy.

As I write this, Mayo clinic researchers are beginning to study the medicinal value of a good smackin’ and are seeing great potential. You can thank me for that. I am working on the patents now.

I can’t solve everything folks, but I thought you should here this from me. Are you a bad driver? Are you a total asshole in traffic? Don’t worry, you aren’t a dick… you just have the very recently discovered ‘intermittent explosive disorder’ . This is the new term for road rage. CNN actually cataloged this story with their diseases section today (check the URL). Well, that excuses everything doesn’t it? In fact, I am going to go back to running motorists off the road… and then sue the government for violating my civil rights because I have ‘intermittent explosive disorder’.

It gets better. In the study, they mention this little gem:

Most sufferers in the study had other emotional disorders or drug or alcohol
problems and had gotten treatment for them

Oh really? Highlight this part, ‘other emotional, drug, or alcohol problems’. So, this isn’t about road rage at all, is it? This is about jerks. I know, I am one. Being an asshole is not a disease, though it can be fatal. Don’t worry, they have a treatment for that… it is not booze. Nope, my suggestion is cheaper and safer for all involved. A good smackin’.

I mean, like… baseball bat to the head kinda smackin’. Tell me if that cures your road rage, you little Jetta driving in and outta every lane in a huge hurry because you are 23 and you are late for your shift at Burger King you Good Charlotte listenin to fuckstick.

Are you crazy?

Good news, you are not. There has been some debate over what crazy is, where it comes from, can it be treated. I used to think I was crazy for the longest time, really. I used to think I would spend life alone as a weird eccentric on the beach in Mexico… and I was good with that. Turns out I ain’t crazy, just strange. Nothing wrong with that, eh? So, what is crazy? This is crazy. Let’s hear from one of these folks now:

“I wasn’t born in the correct body,” said Lilly, who has twice tried to amputate her legs. “The mind doesn’t connect up to the body at all.”

 

It is a story about people who amputate stuff off themselves because of a negative body image. It begins with a guy who methodically, and personally (meaning, without medical assistance) froze off his legs with dry ice so they would be removed. That is some crazy. I ain’t talking about Uncle Lenny crazy… I am talking about that fancy store bought crazy. Anyhow, Doc says this:

The rare condition is called body integrity identity disorder, or BIID.

No sir, this condition is called crazy. In fact, it ain’t a condition at all. Three people don’t constitute a condition. There are three guys are work right now with black eyes they got from their wives. Is that a condition? Nope, just three guys who drink too much and needed a good smackin’.

Ooohh! Lookie at this quote.

aside from this obsession, First said his BIID patients can appear to be mentally healthy

I beg to differ. If you run across someone sawing off their arm in the park… you know something is up. You know they crazy! To be fair, this is the last words of one of the dudes who amputated his legs and arm: What the hell was I thinking?

Now, don’t you feel better about yourself?

Update: the Zoloft Killings

Last summer I wrote a piece here that was mean spirited and simplistic. What I recommends in these very pages was that instead of drug therapy for troubled teens and kids, they should instead be whupped. Go ahead and re-read the piece now, it is right here. Just today there was a big debate on CNN regarding the virtue of all these mood altering drugs on kids and teenagers. Sadly, a teen killed his grandparents because he was on Zoloft.

Defense attorneys contend Zoloft drove him to shoot the couple, set fire to their home
outside Chester, South Carolina, and drive away with his dog.

This just stinks for everyone around, and I take no joy in this news. All of my grandparents have passed on, and I wish they were still here to teach me. Now that I am an adult, I could learn so much from them.

However, it is also important also to note that I was correct in my assessment. Children and teens don’t need drugs to make them normal. There is no normal when you are a teen. What children and (especially) teens need, is a good smackin’!