Utah needs a new PR guy… like me


***UPDATE MARCH 2021 – see bottom > I was right***

When you think Utah, you think Mormon, right? Weird folks, with supernatural views about volcano gods and aliens hiding in pretend airplanes sneaking negative thoughts into your psyche. Wait… maybe that is Scientology. The ones who didn’t believe in blacks or native Americans, right?   No… wait… that last part was definitely Mormons. Aw, who cares? Are any of the origin stories about religion any sillier than the others? YES, there. And Mormons is near the top of silly nonsense. I have literally studied much about comparative religion. Mormons should thank their Christ, whoever the hell that is, that Scientology came along and looked even dumber.

To be clear, I have no beef with Mormons.  I am not counting Warren Jeffs, or any of those sex trade monsters in my accounting of ‘mormons’.  That would be clearly unfair and mean.  That would be like hating Christians because of Rev Fred Phelps.  That man was many things, but I don’t count being a Christian as any of them. I know plenty, and always have.  They are universally nice people.  I just think their belief system super bizarre.  However, if that is the worst they do, good on them.  The thing is, you can’t swing a 12 year old bride in Utah without being hammered with the LDS (Latter Day Saints) dogma.

Wait… wasn’t this supposed to celebrate how great Utah is? Yes… and we will. To do so with justice, though, we have to acknowledge the elephant hiding in the room. You know, the one buried in the desert with the golden key that explained everything the elephant said about the real history of mankind? And how the elephant told NO ONE ELSE but you, and it was impossible to verify your story to anyone. Yeah… that elephant in the room. See what I did there? If god opted to update the entirety of human history, wouldn’t he have told more than one single guy? Wouldn’t he have given him some kind of proof, so when that one guy went to the world he wouldn’t look or sound like a raving lunatic? If that is your god, he set you up to fail, and that is a dick move. Just like what god did to Abraham about the killing of his son, just to test his loyalty. TOTAL dick move. With all this said, I still love Utah, and you should, too. It may be the most beautiful state on Earth.

 Utah’s new slogan “Hey, man.  We aren’t all Mormons”***

*** according to this study, it’s 60%.  Lower than I thought.  Depending on who you ask, America defines itself at around 80% Christian.  Not much less silly a dogma to follow.

Utah is beautiful. Really, really beautiful.  The state is just stunning! It seems almost entirely composed of various state and national parks, just like Alaska. I have been all around the country, and I think Utah may be the most beautiful. Go see their state parks! They have a zillion:

Arches National Park
Bryce Canyon National Park
Capitol Reef National Park
Canyonlands National Park
Zion National Park

and those don’t even count Lake Powell, which is the Grand Canyon with water, and… the Grand Canyon itself.

There are multiple bonuses. The first is, you get to see stuff like this in your rear-view mirror.? Note – photos above by me, from my phone, last weekend. Photos below, not mine.  That photo closest I took in my side view mirror as we headed away.  I was driving about 80, with my knee, as I was fidgeting with my phone to get this shot.  The wifey was super not amused. I told her the shot would pay off, and it did! The other upside is the parks are the only places where you aren’t force fed weird cult history of the prophets profits. Seriously, everywhere you go in Utah is a famous Mormon landmark, and you are going to learn about it. Even their cities are STUNNING. Look at Salt Lake City. They have a mountain right in the middle of the damn town, and it is so cool.

 Then there is Provo. Was there for a wedding years ago. Had some strange experiences there involving me trying to order a Whiskey Coke in a restaurant. Well, Provo is one of the big hubs of LDS, so that went bad in about 6 different ways. I almost got kicked out for asking, but luckily they didn’t know what that was. I have to wonder if they know it’s a great secret, and just don’t want anyone to know. I don’t see commercials, or ads, for this stuff.

****March 2021 – Update ****

Oh boy was I correct.  Like, way too correct.  I called Utah ‘America’s Best Kept Secret’ in reference to natural beauty.  It was.  And not it ain’t.  The square, but sage, folks of Utah clearly read my piece.  I can only assume half assed social satire is wicked huge in the LDS community.  Point being, they started advertising.  The decided to mention that they literally have more national parks than most other states combined.  Also, they have most of Lake Powell, and the great Salt Lake.  They got a new PR guy (for the record… it was no me) and it kinda backfired.

The campaign attracted an additional half-million visitors on average during each of the three years after the appearance of these ads in major Western cities within a long-day’s drive of Utah.

How?  Because it was TOO successful.  Check it out, here.  Now, Utah is so popular that it is clogged up with suck ass mouth breathers jamming up all the roads and parks.  For the record, here are the timelines to my point.  I wrote this post in 2015.  They started advertising heavy around 2017-18.   By 2019, Utah’s policy was pretty much “get the fuck out, you slack jawed rv hillbillies!”    Careful what you wish for, eh?  You notice up above, I had a brilliant tourist slogan for Utah, which was

 “Utah >  Hey man, we aren’t all Mormons®” 

That still remains an offer for Utah to take, from me, for free.  I think we need a new one, though.

Utah > get the fuck out, you slack jawed rv hillbillies!

Hmm.  Ok, maybe that was a bit much. Let’s dial it back a bit.  How about this?  I think we all know they are far too polite for that.  We need something with the same subtext message, though.

Utah – go home, please®

Utah, y’all can leave now®

Utah, Joseph Smith’s salamander gonna git you! ®


Friday Fives

Ok team, sorry  for the delay.   Was in Moab last week, and not in range.  I did a bit of a travelogue on my Facebook page, but didn’t bother with this.  Was working from a cell phone, and so limited a bit.  Anyhow, better late than never.

1. What scene from a sit-com, book, film or play have you found the funniest and why?
this scene from the Princess Bride.  The one with Wesley, Vissini, and the Iocaine Powder.  I have the movie on my iPod and we watched it a bunch camping this week.  We keep reciting the lines incessantly.  The writing and acting is brilliant.

Wait!  Even better.  Was searching youtube to see if I could crib the scene and paste it here.  Instead, I found this… way better.  A spaz re-enactment.  A spenactment!

2. When was the last time you laughed so hard it hurt and who or what made you laugh?

Prolly that movie.  See, it was really really cold when we got to Moab.  So, there was a couple of hours that all four of us sat in the truck with the heat on and drank a lot.  I have a great stereo system in the truck (surround sound and all that) so we hooked in the iPod and watched the movie together on my little iPod.  I know that sounds dumb, but I bet it is a fond memory for all.  It was silly good fun.
3. What’s the funniest or most absurd situation you have found yourself in? Did you find it funny at the time or afterwards?

There are many, and I am too tired from driving 8 hours today to do any critical thinking or self evaluation.  Finding myself on a yacht cruising ‘the Sound’ around Seattle in front of Bill Gates house marrying my college roommate and his gal on the aft deck at sunset.  That was certainly one.  Explaining to Dave Barry which one of my dogs was the ‘small emergency back up dog’.

4. How would you describe your sense of humor and why do you think there is so much variation among individual’s senses of humor?

my sense of humor comes from my observations and deeply held correct belief system.  Wanna know where I come from, or how I think?  Study Left handed people.  We are a powerful and awesome minority in America (one in ten).

5. Is humour powerful?

according to all six of my readers… yes!