an open letter to Sarah Palin

Ok, you have a big interview with ABC this week.  As you know, they have been accused of leaning left… so be prepared for the tough questions.  You’re gonna need to lie, and lie a lot.  So, is there a guide?  Personally, when I look to the great stare you in the face and lie at you masters, I look to the White House Press Secretary.  These few selected treasures from the Bush admin have spent every waking momeny lying.  Hell, they had to.  In fact, McCllelan claims he didn’t even know he was lying ever day.

So, what are our choices?

the Ari Fleischer:   simply deny every single question or anything remotely controversial.  Quick answer is “I never said that.  That never happened.  You are mis-speaking”.  It’s an out and out lie-fest

the Scott McClellan:   this is the classic stone wall.  “It is our policy not to comment on ongoing investigations.”  When asked why you had a trooper and a public safety commisioner fired as revenge for your sister, simple reply “as you know, all of those claims are patently false.  I would love to sit here and delieante every single lie and false allegation in that case.  However, since it is still ongoing… I am afraid I can’t.  When the time is right, though, all will be revealed.

the Dana Perino:    act is if the questions are so absurd it is conspiracy based and biased to even ask them.  When they show you the documents I have seen on CNN proving you tried to have your enemies eliminated, simply say things like this “to even answer that baseless drivel would be to give it validity.  Unlike my opponents, I am interested in facts.”   Then, when they show you were the KING of pork procurement in Wassilla (quite until the fiscal hottie you claim to be), imply that a Mayor’s duty is public safety first and politics second.  Remember when John McCain himself called you out for being a wasteful spender a few years ago?

Listen, kid.  Keep your chin up.  You aren’t going to jail for at least a few months.   So, pretend the good fight.  I wish you well.

*** update > for the record, the photo above is a fake.  It is a ‘photoshopped’ manipulation.  I didn’t know that when I first posted it today.  However, I really, really, really like it.  So, it stays.  If you want responsible journalism, go hang with the Onion.  For details on the doctored milfiness, here’s Snopes.

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Don’t blame the messenger

You probably already heard, we have lost White House spokesman Scott McClellan. It seems the administration is embattled in what can only be described ‘as the biggest criminal enterprise in America’ and citizens demanded change. You, the American Electorate, demanded the President be accountable for the worst presidency in history. They responded, and fired the messenger. Listen, maybe you are tired of being lied to by your government every single day… but don’t blame Scotty. Dude was doing his job. Scotty’s job is to lie for the Bush crime family, and I can not wait until his book comes out.

I hate this administration, you know that. I really grew fond of him over the years. I admired him for his huge juevos grandes. There are some phrases that have become a big part of my life here in Colorado. One is ‘Saved by Wah’! If you lived here, you’d know how much that used to mean to every Coloradan. I miss hearing it, since Patty Roy retired. Another thing I got used to hearing from the TV news every day was this “It is the policy of this administration not to comment on an ongoing investigation”. You remember that, I mean… remember

• the White House outing a deep cover spy for smite
• Frist’s epic misdiagnosis of Terry Schiavo
• when we found out Halliburton doubled billed us for everything
• when DeLay got indicted
• when Scooter Libby got indicted
• when Randall ‘Duke’ Cunningham got indicted (and convicted)
• when GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff got indicted (and convicted)
• when Illinois Republican gov Ryan got indicted (and convicted)
• when racist Strom Thurmond was revealed to have had a black lovechild
• when it turned out the president lied about WMDs in Iraq
• the Jeff Gannon scandal
• when he lost the presidency in 2000 but got to stay anyway
• when he failed to be concerned about ‘Al Queda determined to strike inside US with Airplanes
• when he demoted FEMA from a cabinet position
• when he hired a horse lawyer to run all of FEMA
• when they sent Colin Powell to lie to the UN about Anthrax
• the Harriet Myers thing
• the Trent Lott racist comments which forced him to resign
• the president taking four days to comment on the worst natural disaster in history (Tsunami) because he was on vacation

I was going to hyperlink reference those, but it would have blown up my computer… nay the internet itself. This President is more than the worst President in history, he is the devil. I have no compassion for the devil, but I sure did respect the balls of the guy offering to defend him.

Remember those? That is when Scotty rushed in like a champion. He stood there everyday in front of those lions and lied to their faces. That was his job, and the President ran him out of office because Americans got tired of being lied to. No fair, I miss Scotty and I want him back. There is only one person who can make this better… the great one himself.

Here is what troubles me, the guy who takes this job. I mean, maybe McClelland really believed in this administration and their rhetoric. Maybe he wanted to serve a noble purpose and only later found out he front guy for the Bush crime family. Thing is, that can be forgiven. Any dude who steps in now knows these guys are criminals with zero regard for human life or the working class. How can he be forgiven? The answer is simply that he can not. Whoever takes this job is knowingly complicit in the destruction of Democracy and its values. Maybe that is why the word is it will be a Fox news guy (John Snow).

I already miss Scott McClelland

It looks like White House press secretary Scott McClelland is out. He hasn’t held a conference in almost a month (the used to be daily) and I am sad. I knew he wasn’t long for this world, but he was a warrior. To me, the measure of a great press secretary was Ari Fleischer. He worker for President Bush during the first term, and was a master prevaricator. That man could lie like nobody’s business. Ari’s answer to every single question was “who said that? We never said that? I never said that!” I think it was force of habit. However, lying for a dirtbag administration takes it’s toll… and is certainly not worth $151,000 a year. Dude probably makes that a week now in speaking fees. Ari was a benchmark, and I admired him as a worthy foe.

Then came this playdough lookin’ thing, Mr McClelland. It took me a while to pick up on his style… but dude had mad style. He went out every single day and lied his teeth off. He knew it, but he didn’t have a choice… it was his job. Then, when you call him on the lies, freudian slips, etc… he says: It is our policy not to comment on ongoing… (bla bla bla)

Well, if you know anything about this administration then you know pretty much everything is an ongoing investigation. Plamegate, Duke Cunningham’s conviction yesterday, Tom DeLay’s multiple indictments, the investigation on Bill Frist for insider trading etc etc etc.

Oh, and any one of the hundreds of lies and scandals surrounding the war. Hey, that is how war is… I understand this administration has to keep us in the dark about a lot of it… so would a Democrat. However, I’d hate to be the guy who had to come out every day and lie about it.

I knew he couldn’t last, which means I trust he is a good guy. I told my buddy Roy this summer that McClelland would be gone by Halloween. Well, he did one or conferences after Halloween and hasn’t been seen since… so I almost nailed it. He probably got called to testify for Fitzpatrick before a Federal Grand Jury about what the administration knew regarding Cheney & Rove involvement in the Plame leak. Yeah, now we are talking jail time, and the job doesn’t seem so fun.

In the spirit of the great McClelland and Fleischer, I have penned the want ad for the Washington Post.

Wanted Liar

Local Administration looking for charismatic, well spoken, articulate, educated, and instinctive liar. Ideal candidate needs to be able to lie about BIG issues. War, Economy, felonies, Impeachments, and lying regarding the previous day’s lies. Job pays $150,000 plus full legal protection in first year. Opportunities to travel, discuss and deny foreign policy. Stonewalling skills a MUST. Apply in person, Whites only.