Friday Fives – guess poster edition

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Team,

I haven’t gotten around to posting the Fives this week.  Am too busy right now.  Instead, welcome guess editor and long time friend of the site, Jamie (the Arizona Monkey Boy) >

 

1. Do you have a favorite insect (of the bug variety, of course)? 

 

No… but your mom gave me crabs once… that was kinda special!!

 

2. Which insect could you happily do without seeing for a good long time? 

All of them… but I guess cockroaches. Just so you know… I’ve never seen one in my house… knock on wood!!

 

3. Which insect do you think is of the most benefit to us? 

 

Seriously… we’re doing an insect theme? Okay… let me ask YOU a question. Did insects EVER help you get laid? That’s what i thought…

 

4. Have you had to deal with an insect invasion yet this season (or this past summer for our friends in the other hemisphere)? 

 

Hhmmm… I feel like the writer of these questions… is pleasuring himself as he reads this…

Pizza Connection. That place was a dive… buy they always got like a 98 on there health inspection. One secret i learned while working there… dump bleach down the sinks/toilet BEFORE a monsoon hits… because the ‘bugs’ know it’s coming before you do… and they’re looking for a dry place.*

*(Insert ex-girlfriend’s vagina joke here)

 

5. Would you eat insects? Not even for a lot of money?  

 

Sure… i mean… I probably eat insects everytime i eat anyway… so yeah… go ahead and pay me!!
*** um… wow!  I would like to just apologize for everything you just read.  I figured some content would be better than none.  But man, this guy has some issues.  This is where I should say something like ‘in no way to the opinions above bla bla blah.  But, this is my site and I could just erase this if I wanted to.    and about the cockroaches?  Like Texas, they are everywhere.  and the worst part?  those fuckers FLY.  Sleep tight, readers!

Friday Fives – bookish edition

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 How many of you still read books for entertainment?

I do still read, constantly.  However, I just can’t find time to read a book. I still consume books… daily.  These days, I do it all through audiobooks.  I prattle on about that here.  I read something a few years ago that always sticks with me.  The average American household has less than 5 books in it, and one of those is the bible.

What is that one book you just could NOT put down while you were reading it?

Kathy Griffin’s ‘Official Book Club Selection’.  Also gotta mention Springsteen’s autobiography.  Not just a page turner, but incredibly well written.

Btw, I don’t really read books for ‘entertainment’.  More for relaxation.

What book are you currently reading listening to?

Waging Heavy Peace – Neil Young

What book absolutely blew your mind?

 Lamb – the Gospel of Christ according to Biff, his childhood pal.  This book just blew my mind.  So incredibly super really great.  Mind you, I am not just un-religious… but pretty militantly anti-religion.  I was raised Catholic, though. I would also like to tell you about a near ‘religious experience’ I had with this book.  I was alone in a car for many hours on Christmas day reading it (just by chance) on zero sleep for several days.

This book also turned me on to the amazingness that is author Christopher Moore.  Since this book, I have gone on to read many of his.  Again, I prattle on and on about my love for this guy on my books page.  Just hope over here and do a control F on his name.

and….

Probably how well written that Springsteen book was.  You see how he is the voice of a generation.  I can barely think of my favorite writers who write that well.  He spend 7 years on it, and used no ghostwriter.  No ghostwriter is INCREDIBLE.   All rock memoirs are written with ghostwriters, usually the very impressive Anthony Bozza.  Rock stars don’t generally have the time or attention span or literary capability to do that.  The ghostwriter thing is perfect.  A dude hangs out with you for about a year.  He asks you pointed questions, and you tell him anecdotes.  They put it together for you.  Not the Boss.

Generally speaking, every famous person who has written a book uses a ghostwriter.

If you died today and the last text you received was written on your tomb stone, what would it say?

mostly done

 

 

ew… that is actually pretty perfect.  and… kinda creepy out of context of the conversation  Props to the Arizona Monkey Boy for that gem!  In case you don’t remember, we kinda made the Az Monkey Boy famous here.  As a bonus, we have his answers to this week’s five right below.

*** can I point something significant out here?  I just realized I went through an ENTIRE post about books (not my questions, either.  all from my editor) and I never once mentioned Alice in Wonderland.  That is a breakthrough!

Friday Fives – school yard edition

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Tell us about your first fashion crisis. 

Not something I thought we were going to talk about here.  This question, America, is why it should be abundantly clear I do not write these questions.  I have, of course, but 90% of the time they come from my editor and mentor, Roy.  Sorry, back to our question.  When I was in kindergarten, I remember very little.  BUT, I remember ‘Western Day’.  We were to dress up in fun cowboys ways.  One of my big brother’s (the dumb one, not the ugly one) had some cowboy boots.  Both brothers are about 5 years older, so the boots did not fit.  That had NO bearing on my decision…  I was going to wear those fucking boots!  So, I spent the day at school falling out of my shoes and probably looking dumb.   Obviously, it didn’t go terribly well… as it is literally my only memory from back then.

I smile as I look back, but that is also because I had all my classmates murdered since then.  Well, except the Az Monkey Boy.  He even knows about the library book incident… which assures he will be dead.

What is your earliest memory of recess?

Fun, playing, running, football.  I was an athletic kid, so recess was the best.  I mean, what’s not to love?  You aren’t in class?  Was I supposed to say how lonely I was?  Am I supposed to say this is when I was afraid to go play because of the bullies?  Is this where I tell you about the incident with the PE teacher who got a little handsy?  No sir.  My childhood was AMAZING.

Can I tell you something that no one will even talk about?  In middle school (so I am about 12, and this is about 1984) our favorite game was called ‘smear the queer’.  Note, this had NOTHING to do with anyone’s sexuality.  It also had NOTHING to do with bullying… because everyone who played was self selecting.  We all voluntarily went out to the field and played.  Perhaps you are not familiar with the game.  You have about 10 or 20 boys, and a nerf football.  Whomever has the football, everyone else chases and tries to tackle.  He is, you see, the ‘queer’.  When he could not longer handle the heat, he would throw the ball away.  Now, he is instantly safe and no one cares.  All eyes are on the next fool who grabbed the ball (voluntarily).  It was silly fun, and tons of exercise.  That is it.  I am sure kids were bullied.  I was not bullied (well… much.  I was a spindly as kid with a loud mouth.  I made things kinda tough on myself), nor did I bully… or see bullying.

OR… maybe I did, and was, and am… and just repressed it.

I want to clarify another thing.  Growing up, we used the term ‘gay’ a lot.  It had nothing to do with sexuality.  Obviously, it is a mean and unnecessary descriptor, and I no longer use it.  However, then (if not now, I don’t know) it simply meant ‘lame’.  Understandably, I don’t use that term anymore.  That word is off limits, which is (frankly)… gay!  Why do I keep working so hard to point out there that 1) I am not gay, and 2) it’s ok if I sling the homophobic words around because I am of course cool with gays.

Obviously, it’s time to do some self reflecting.  It is’t not fine to yell ‘gay’ or ‘fag’ or ‘queer’.  I didn’t get that when I was young, but that doesn’t make it alright.

So, all this ‘gay’, ‘homo’, and ‘queer’ stuff is innocent fun, right?  Just kids being kids?  No it is not.  How would a young 10 year old kid feel who was gay hearing these words and terms thrown around?  we would have sometimes 30 kids out there running around and terrorizing each other yelling ‘fag’, etc.  Odds are, just by the math, some of those kids were gay.  Think of the cruel shame and confusion they must have felt.  What is a young gay kid’s take away?  That being a ‘queer’ is the worst thing you can be, and to be physically attacked was socially acceptable.

There is a horrible epidemic of young gay men committing suicide.  The great Dan Savage began the campaign of ‘it get’s better‘.  I hope it does, because I can’t imagine the pain and cruelness that must have been for a young gay kid who just wants to hang out and play with his friends.  We (us straight little undersexed terrorists) never meant the game to be a public shaming of gays.  I certainly didn’t.  However, looking at it from the other side, how could a young guy man not take it that way?

He would be terrified, and likely ashamed.  THAT is why we don’t  talk like that anymore. Well… I don’t.  Maybe those little homos in 6th grade still do.  Barbarians!

Tell us about your first driver’s test. 

You won’t like this.  It was SO easy and SO awesome.  In short, I got my license without ever taking the test.  In high school, I got to participate in an after school program called ‘Behind the Wheel’.  It was something my parents wonderfully paid for, so I could learn to drive.  2 or 3 days a week, after school, I got driving lessons.  It was a single adult teacher, and 3 to 4 students.  We would take turns driving.  I don’t remember how long this was for, but when it came time to get my driver’s license… I had a pass.  Literally, I was given a certificate from this program and I handed it in and got my license.  I don’t even remember if I took the written test, but I know I didn’t have to take the driving test.

Funny consequence about that:  I never learned how to parallel park.  Seriously, I STILL can not parallel park.  I haven’t had to.  I didn’t drive back East, where you have to parallel park daily.  Plus, 90% of my driving experience has been in trucks.  You don’t have to parallel park

Tell us about your oddest family relative

Believe it or not, and I understand if you don’t… I can’t think of one.  On top of that, I would not be surprised if anyone else in my family named me.  I am fine with that.

Tell us about the first time you got into trouble in school.

No.