Friday Fives – and pigs will fly

What was that cool thing/brand that everyone wanted when you were growing up, but now you’d get laughed at for having?

I can’t give you that.  While I wasn’t terribly uncool, or spazzy… I wasn’t one of the cool kids.  Were I, think I would be writing this drivel for aholes?  No, I’d be out partying with my cool friends.  So, I offer you the opposite. In about 8th grade… so we are talking 1984-ish… I had Birkenstocks.  Those are the super comfy sandals… that soon came to be openly mocked and associated with dirty hippy losers (a la the perennial punching bag, patchouli).  They were AMAZING, but people just thought they were weird and dumb.  Plus, I had long hair at the time, so I was pretty much the stereotype that evolved.

Anyhow, what none of you know (who have never owned ‘Birks’) is the footbed was cork.  What this meant is that over time, your foot totally formed it.  What this meant is after about 6 months, your ‘birks’ were completely customer fitted to your feed.  Like a favorite pair of jeans, but 100 times better.

What website do you no longer go to, but was once a favorite?

Bert is Evil!  It was a novelty site from early in the internet.  The premise was stupid, and simple, and delightful!  Photoshopping Bert, from Sesame Street, into historic tragedies… implying the only common thread in man’s darkest moments is Bert.  The pictures still live on, god bless the internet.  Here are a few.

What food did you love as a child but hate it now?

Gosh, again I can only think of the opposite.  I was a very picky eater as a child, but am now more open to most things (except: olives and mushrooms).  Lastly… who says gosh anymore?  ME!  I am trying to swear less, fagsCripples!  Retard!  Midget!  um… Siamese Twin!   Jesus, can’t I say anything?

** editors note.  We really tried to take that those words out.  He knows to NEVER use them, and actually prefers gay folks to the breeders.  He agees these are words we should mostly move past.  Seriously,  he has even married them.  He just misses using the word in the 6th grade, South Park sense.  And if you don’t think 12 year old boys talk like that, you’re prolly anyway, come on!  We can’t use ‘midget’.  Is little person better?  Sounds creepier to me.  Easy for me to say, though, I ain’t no midget dwarf little person!

What’s a scam that people throw money at without knowing it’s stupid?


Television.  I likely don’t work or commute that much more than you.  When I get home, I have about 2 to 3 hours to hang out with wifey, make dinner, clean, laundry, garbage, and all the millions of other things that adulting requires.  That gives me about 2 hours a night max to watch TV.  And I LOVE tv.  But, not enough to pay $120 a month for it.  Last time I did that, I just lived in DVR debt®.  Yeah, I got all four seasons of ‘Rescue Me’ on the DVR (youtube it, that show was brilliant!)… when am I going to find a magical three days to sit and do nothing but watch it.  Now what about the other 7 shows I recorded season passes for? ****

I know I just talked about this, but our tv bill is about $120 a year.  Netflix!  Now, we have Amazon Prime for tv, but I don’t count that in the overhead… since we do it for the free 2 day shipping.  And… we have Hulu, but not an account.  We are simply using Ashley’s log in.  You should, too.

Pigs have sprouted wings and can now fly. How does this affect life as we know it?

 Bacon becomes a gold like commodity.  Remember, pigs are both very smart, and very mean.  Once they can fly, we are fucked!


*** the pinheads and narcs at WordPress would like me to know via spellcheck, that these are not words:  adulting, youtube, and wifey.  I nailed all that shit in one paragraph.  I gots an English degree, muthafuckas… so if I say a word… it’s a word.


first world problems – my cell phone hates me

clock-monsterHear this? It sounds nice, doesn’t it. For me, it sends me into a flying rage and fit of despair. You might think ‘how could that sweet and harmless nice old lady of a melody having you ready to punch puppies and trip seniors’? I will tell you how, and why.

It is the alarm ringtone on my cell phone. This means many things, and none of them are nice. If I am using my alarm on my cell phone, it means I am not home. My home alarm works wonderfully. It also has a battery backup, and a second alarm I can set just in case. I would not need to use my cell phone at home.

If I am traveling, though, I have to use the cell phone. I do not travel for business. Even if I did, I would have a hotel alarm clock to hate. No sir, I travel for pleasure. ‘Pleasure’, here, implies I am on vacation. If I am on vacation, there is no set schedule. I am just here to relax, right? To me, this means go to sleep when I am tired (be that 4 am, or 4 pm) and wake up naturally when I am refreshed (be that 4 am or 4 pm). If I am using this alarm, I am not doing those things, am I? No. No I am not.

This ringtone, then, says to me the following: Hey boss, I know we are kinda on vacation and you are super tired and awfully comfy right now, but we gotta get up.

No we don’t. We are on vacation, remember? Camping, and driving, and seeing family. Free love and relaxation. No sir. Get up. Get up now. We have a LOT of shit to do today, and you aren’t spending your vacation lying in bed. You could just do that at home.

Oh man, I hate that one, but it’s true. Yes, in theory, I could just lie around at home. BUT… I don’t, goddamnit. If I did, I wouldn’t need a vacation. For me, a vacation is an abbreviation… nay… a contraction. It stands for ‘vacation from my alarm’. To me, almost no matter what I am doing, vacation says ‘wake up whenever, bro. It’s gonna be a long day, and I want you rested. No alarm needed. Let’s just grab some grub and go see the town. Whoah? 11 am already, and you are just getting up? No worries, bra, you earned it.

These assholes like the melody so much they covered it on guitar, and then filmed it. I could play that on guitar. I am quite good. I would never, ever, though. Memba’ that scene from ‘Dumb and Dumber’ where Carey goes ‘you wanna hear the most annoying sound ever?’ THAT is what my alarm says. Being a guitarist, I should be thinking ‘that is cool. That guy has a good ear to pick that up so easily’. This is not what I think when I hear it, though. No. I think ‘why would someone film the sound of their dear grandmother being punched in the face? Who takes joy in that?’ Those few simply sonorous tones sing to me ‘wake up, fatty. Oh, and don’t forget that god clearly hates you!’

Thanks a lot, Obama!