Friday Fives – is that still around?

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What is a product/service that you can’t still believe exists in 2019?

Paying $120 a month for cable.  We ‘cut the cord’ about 3 years ago.  We get all the Tv we need and more via Netflix, Amazon Prime, and we (luckily) are able to get the network channels free over the air in HD.  That last one is a total crapshoot.  You have to live on a hill, in direct line of site of the mountains.  Basically, we spend in a year on TV what cable subscribers pay a month.

What was a common in 1999 but is unusual in 2019?

Opening your cell phone bill and wondering if it would be $100, or $1200

 What is debunked but people still believe in?

Flat earth, loch ness monster, compassionate conservative, trickle down economics, that toilets don’t swirl the opposite way in Australia.  and all big foot sightings/footage.  Note… that doesn’t mean there is no big foot (hint… there isn’t)… but every piece of ‘footage’ has been totally debunked.
Oddly, I have talked about this here before.

 What instrument would you like to hear more of in modern music?

Acoustic guitar.  It is actually in nearly every song, regardless of genre, but is potted down (muted) so low… it’s almost invisible.

Someone stops you and offers $1 million if you can talk 1 hour without stopping or stuttering about a topic of your choosing. What do you pick to speak about?

Oh boy, I can pontificate on a LOT of shit.  That is what this site is about, isn’t it?  Obviously, my expertise is rock and roll.  I know a TON.  I mean literally more than everyone you know combined.  That is how seriously impressive… and completely useless… my knowledge and understanding of rock and roll is.  If I could monetize this, I would be a zillionaire.  I have been referenced in books, including Rolling Stone.  There was a ‘Rock and Roll Jeopardy’ which was sadly short lived.  Thing is, it was only for celebs.  Survivor’s Jeff Probst was the host, and I believe Mark McGrath did all the winning.  Because of that (as opposed to the Sugar Ray back catalog) I have always had tons of respect for him.  He is as smart and passionate as he is pretty.  Wanna memba what he looks like?  Think Guy Fieri minus 120 pounds.

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Where to hide a bigfoot

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Ok, hopefully you heard that last week some hillbillies found bigfoot.  Tell me you caught this story.  Ok, here it is if you didn’t.  I say hillbillies because they are.  How do I know, why do I say that?  What am I, racist?  When it comes to hillbillies, you bet your ass, crackers.  These two Cleetuses (or is that Cleetii) wore baseball caps to their press conference last Friday announcing their find.  Really?  The biggest scientific find in history and you two dipshits wore baseball caps.  In addition, if you know your bigfoot mythology, you know that bigfoot is a Pacific Northwest phenom.  These two Billy Bobs live in Atlanta, though.  They claimed they found bigfoot in the woods outside Atlanta.

Anyhow, they promised us it was real.  On Friday, they promised us DNA proof.  It was all over CNN Headline News, all day.  People were suspicious, though, because one of the discoverers is a known bigfoot hoaxer.  His name is Tom Biscardi, and this is his third claim he found bigfoot.  That is why no one took him seriously when he announced this last week.  Reporters showed up to the press conference in Chewbacca costumes to taunt the inbreds.  I can be mean like this because we found out today it was officially a hoax.  How?  They got the DNA sample back, it was Opossum.  That is moonshine speak for big fucking rat.

That isn’t why I am writing at all.  You should know that by now.  The reason I am writing is this.  I don’t know if there is a bigfoot.  My hunch is not.  But, if there is… I need him/her to read this.  We need bigfoot to show up to Tom Biscardi’s house.  Please, oh please do this.  Bigfoot, show up at Tom’s house and just chill.  Grab a beer, eat a cat.  Why?  Because Tom will call the media.  Tom will take pictures.  Tom will have proof… finally.  Know what?  No one will believe him.  He is the boy who cried wolf.

Right now, the safest place on earth for a bigfoot is at Tom’s house.  Tom Biscardi’s house is the only place on earth that NO ONE will ever look for a bigfoot again.  Bigfoot, you will be safe there.  Tom would have pictures, DNA, film, tracks, fingernail clippings.  Tom would have anything necessary to prove bigfoot… and no one would even take his call.