Friday Fives

1. What is your favorite section of the newspaper?

well, I don’t read the newspaper anymore.  I can tell you what is was, it was the life and leisure section because of the Dave Barry.  Also, in football season I used to read sports voraciously.  Now, I just watch Sunday Morning Countdown on ESPN.

2. Sunday comics or weekday strips? Which comic is your favorite?

well, here is where I get all old and cranky.  Cartoons today suck, except ‘Close to Home‘.  Yes, I miss ‘Far Side’, ‘Calvin & Hobbes’, and ‘Outland/ Bloom County’.

3. Do you read your daily horoscope? Do you believe in it?

not at all.  However, if you want to know… I am an Aries.

4. Does the paper become bird cage lining, do you recycle, or does it get thrown in the trash?

never ever in the trash.  Get recycled, or is used to drain something greasy I just cooked.  Oh, and I don’t have a bird.  I can’t imagine having a bird.  That seems super annoying, and they live forever.  Seriously, like a 100 years.

5. Where do you read the paper? At home, at work, or elsewhere?

I do all my best reading on the shitter.  Also, I want to state that I do read and follow the news… voraciously.  Just not through newspapers.  For local news, I use 9news.com, the local NBC affiliate.

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Friday Fives

Who is your latest crush on?

my dog, Maxwell.  He is a perfect angel and I love him.  Look at that picture up there.   Correct me if I am wrong.  He is sleeping right next to me as I type.  That pic up there isn’t really a ‘candid’.  He really is that pretty, he really is that happy,  he really is that dumb, and he really is that eager to please.

Do you have a favorite super hero?

Opus

How cartoon or cartoon character?

I don’t understand the question.

Ever solved a crime?

yes, which is why you are still being followed.  We will talk about this later.  We don’t need to have this conversation in front of everyone, do we?

Would you rather: have the power of invisibility, or be able to produce sparks from your fingertips?

invisibility.  I mean,  doy!  What am I going to do with sparks?  make a fire?  I can do that with a lighter.  However, with invisibility, I could look at boobies books all day long.  Yay books!  Plus, I wouldn’t have to work, I could just steal money. It wouldn’t be stealing, really.  I could take the money and use it to pay my bills.   Then, run over there to those recipients and take the money back and give it to the guy I took it from initially.  I mean, I know that looks like stealing.  But, what if no one is missing it?  Does that count?  I am not a monster, am I?

I mean, there are downsides.  You can’t score a girl if you are invisible.  However, to be able to turn that on and off… would be awesome!  I mean, that is what I have read.  That’s all.

cartoons that suck

* America, you are apeshit for this post.  Frankly, I am puzzled.  It isn’t very good.  Also, I come off as a dismissive asshole (which might be accurante).  Anyhow, this is the most read ‘piece’ of the last year.  I am glad you are here, please stick around and read 2 or 3 more pieces.  Look up to the right, those are my other most read posts.  Thanks for stopping by, though!  – Lono 2/2012

** addendum to the addendum.  This piece is still the most read.  Wtf?  I am tempted to take it down.  it is mean spirited.  I write to be funny and have some release.  As I re-read this, I am just a jerk and a bully.  However, regarding every word I said below… I am Correct.  If it takes 2 guys to write a mediocre one panel comic… you are not a cartoonist.  I am genuinely glad you stopped by.  Please read a couple more pieces before you go.  I promise, they aren’t as mean – 4/2013

I pretty much hate all cartoons now. Ever since Bloom County, Calvin & Hobbes, and the Far Side are gone… I just don’t see funny any more. In fact, the only funny in today’s cartoons are at this site, where the author breaks down the subtext of each panel… and well.

What’s worse? Lazy cartoonists. Here are two perfect examples of why cartoons suck. First up is ‘Pluggers’. Pluggers is a single panel cartoon where the story lines are submitted by readers. Here, enjoy the whimsy:

Simply beyond terrible.  Not funny.  What’s worse?  He has his readers write this shit.  So, what exactly does the cartoonist do?  He takes a paycheck for your hack ideas.

What’s next?  Cartoon teams.  Many cartoons are written by two guys.  One writes the text, and the other draws.  Guess what, if you can’t do both, then you are not a cartoonist.  Think about it, cartoons aren’t drawn terribly well.  Also, they generally aren’t written very well.  If the drawer were particularly good, he would be an artist.  Same with the content.  Henry Miller wasn’t writing cartoons in between the ‘Tropic’ series.

So, what do you get for two minds cranking out one cartoon?

oh snap.  Someone is about to get served, yo.  Did it really take two people to write this?  It is a poor man’s Far Side.   I guess they had writer’s block that day.  Yeah, that gem is called ‘Brevity’ by Guy & Rodd.  What a bunch of tools.  I bet they sit around and admire Anne Geddes books.