Friday Fives – I’m on a boat!


Monty in the snow 2018

People who walk around talking on speaker phone, why?

Ok, listen up.  We have to talk about something WAY more important.  I am on a plane right now, and so kinda forcible eavesdropping on my neighbors.  I am NOT being nosy. They are 6 inches from me. There is a VERY pretty couple next to me.  Well, she is beautiful, him not so much. We made some small talk, us three… and I left them alone.  In the course of this unfolding, it appears they are NOT a couple. Makes sense. She is just out of his league.   She isn’t reading this, is she? No, because she is a narcissist wrapped deep in her tale. See, they are coworkers.  

How do I know?  Because she has spent the last hour telling this poor guy about her divorce.  Poor guy, seriously. He is working VERY hard to sound engaged… slowly realizing she doesn’t care about him… and only wants to talk about her ex.  He gets to be therapy for the next 3 hours, whereas I dutifully tuned out and put my big ass headphones on. Listening to this Peter Coyote book. See, after an hour, this is how it is going.  They are both young, and going on a corporate retreat of some kind. HE is thinking ‘wow, she is really pretty, and seems interested in me. We are alone in Seattle for a weekend, getting all hopped up on expense card booze and room service.  I WILL lose my virginity this weekend!”

Thing is… SHE is thinking… nothing about him.  Its been over an hour now, and he has’t gotten to say more than three supportive sentences.  I should pull this guy out for a drink, and replace him with this. She won’t notice. Jesus, no wonder why this guy left her!  Too soon? 🙂

Anyhow… just wondering how long until this guy checks out?  She is’t reading this, is she?

 I get that.  I am blessed to be married and faithful and lucky… so I don’t care about her… or the toenail surgery story she is now telling this poor poor poor dude.  I was watching a movie, but had to share his. Will keep you posted as things unfold.  Ok, I HAVE to check out now.  It isn’t only VERY much not business, but she is now on a diatribe about the exes’ new girlfriend.   Such a shame.  SO very beautiful and clearly smart… but just a self involved nutjob.  Good luck, bro, and god speed!

*** abort!  She peaked over at my little chrome book and asked ‘what are you writing?’  I couldn’t tell my pretty little seatmate that I was busy talking shit about her to you, like a big jerk.  So, I told her a blog, and she asked where she could find it.  We are easy to remember here – I am  So, I told her that.   THEN, I quickly realized that i tipped her off to a piece about her droning on.   Now I feel bad.  Not so bad I am not going to tell you the story… but bad enough I waited a week to publish it.  As we were all walking down the jetway, I had my headphones on, but no music.  They were chatting, and assumed I couldn’t hear.  He said “so, what was he writing?”  She said “I just caught a glimpse, but I think I know.”  I mean… I was sitting there with a laptop and her sitting same distance as me.  But, I had it pointed at me, and she was just too engrossed in her pity party to notice my slanderous judgement.  As I read, and write, this… I feel horrible.  None of that was my business, they were both wonderfully pleasant to me… why am I talking shit?  Probably because I was hopped up on more whiskey than a date with Andy Dick.

I was flying to Seattle for the Pearl Jam shows.  Good times.

airplane girl… if you are reading this.  You are still in love with your ex.  It’s not my business, and I tuned out of about 80% of it.  I ain’t saying go back, mind you.  From what little I caught, he was a piece of crap who didn’t appreciate you.  You need to go out with that nice guy from work who was sitting next to you.  When you are ready to be married, I will marry you two here in Colorado.  I am a reverend, after all.  An atheist, aspiring Buddhist… reverend.

People who are driving down the interstate putting on makeup while talking on the phone, why?

Don’t know, and it drives me nuts!  I won’t even talk on hands free with wifey if I am driving, and won’t let her.  But Lono, you say… you were in the cell phone business for 19 years.  Who are you to judge?  These buttnuggets valued customers bought your house.

Yeah, and that is why I know how deadly using your phone is.   FIVE times more dangerous than just driving.  THREE times more dangerous than drunk driving.  Anyhow, to tune them out I have been watching ‘Tag’ with Ed Helms and John’s Hamm.  It is GREAT.   I mean… really dumb.  But, I am getting drunk and 7,000 feet and watching off a pirate movie feed.  So… as my mom says… beggars can’t be choosers.

People who always back into a parking lot space, regardless of the size of their vehicle, why?

First off, I do.  Second off, I learned it from you, DAD.  Yeah, I always back in (or choose a pull through option.  I seriously learned it from you.  You told me you were a driver for a General during your years in the service in Germany.  You said that he always had to back in, so the General could leave quickly in any kind of emergency.  OR… is that just another line you used to fuck me?  Because I STILL back in to every spot… I thought it was our thing.  And now… you are out here just mocking me?

There is another really valid reason I do it – I have a pick up truck.  This means I can’t see shit behind me, especially if I am in a grocery store parking lot.  I have to back up a good 5 to 6 feet before I can see if there is anyone there.  and invariably some asshole comes flying past me.  Can’t wait to hit one.

People who have food dinner prep meal packages deliver to cook themselves, why?

Wow, so that is how today is going to go.  I can give you insight into ‘those people’.  I am those people.  We do Blue Apron, and have been on it on and off for about 2 years.  LOVE it, and here is why:  I love to cook.  I don’t love shopping or thinking or coming up with a menu.  I feel like I am always working, or commuting.  Blue Apron makes amazing tasty dishes.  the instructions are intuitive and well laid out.  Also, almost always what I produce is as pretty as the picture.  Ok, this is embarrassing, but just one week ago I took a picture of my meal because I was so proud.

ok, the one on the left is mine.  On the right?  That is the picture on the box.  I think mind looks better.  Their chicken is white and pale, mine is toasty and sexy.

blue apron my plate            blue apron their plate

Anyhow, wifey and I just love them.  Remember, I live out in BFE, out on dirt roads.  For me to get a gallon of milk or gas… I’d be gone over an hour.  So, I don’t have to shop or think.  Everything shows up.  You get 3 meals a week.  they arrive on a Saturday.  Each meal is designed for 2 people.  the cost comes down to $10 a meal.  Lastly, they have great and responsive customer service.  Btw, this is not a paid endorsement, or a seeded question.  I am a little embarassed that I am showing you pictures of my dinner.  Know that I did NOT instagram this, or anything dumb like that.  It was just a picture I took to show the wifey while she was away.

People who participate in dog fighting, why?

outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.  Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read

 – Groucho Marx

I can’t imagine, as I am crazy for dogs.  I have 5 acres of dogs right now, and I can’t think of a time I didn’t have a dog.  I can tell you this, having traveled a bit.  We treat dogs higher than pretty much every other culture.  In many, many places… dogs are just roaming hobos that are a public nuisance.  In Mexico, you see dogs roaming, and those dogs to have owners… kinda.   But, they aren’t fenced in.  They are like chickens… they wander around and forage through the day, and come back at night to go to bed.

Here is a fun fact – A few years ago we went to a few countries in Asia (Thailand, Cambodia, and South Korea).  The first thing to know is that Asians are super racist against other Asians.  Also, they all point to each other as being a culture that eats dogs.  It almost seems like cow tipping… an urban myth.  I don’t think it is.  i think people do eat dogs and cats, and their name rhymes with ‘China’.  Chinese people eat the weirdest shit.

In closing, here are a couple of dog quotes that I just LOVE.  Think they were bumper stickers

Liberals treat dogs like people.  Conservatives treat people like dogs.

I am trying to be the person my dog thinks I am

Here is another pic of my boy.  not pictured, Rufus.   Probably because he is out back tearing shit up as we speak.

sunset with Monty 2016

quick story about this pic.  I was rushing to capture the sunset.  I didn’t want the dog in the picture, and kept yelling at him to move.  Only a day or two later did I look at the picture and realize how great it is.  That is Monty.