Friday Fives – there is no thru-line here

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*** special guest content at the bottom.  Thanks, James!

 If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

On my back.  I would be backadextrious!®

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 

So they get the superpower, and not me?  Then, invisibility. He can get me lots of money, which he should.  And take naked selfies of hot celebs and send them to me. Now, is it the most fulfilling for him?  No, flying would be. However, we are not concerned about him. He already has my superpower. Know what would be rad about being invisible?  Besides using it to look at nekkid ladies (seriously, that is about 70% of my motivation. Any guy who says otherwise is a dirty liar!) I would use it to hang out in the White House, during any administration, and see what is really going on in there?  Is it more West Wing… we are all eager civil servants with the highest honor of working in the highest office? OR… more House of Cards? Backstabby! I would imagine somewhere between the two.

If you could choose a movie from your youth or past and fill it with CGI and 3D what film would you pick? 

I don’t know, but it makes me think of this.  Know what was really great about movies before computers?  Everything you saw on screen… someone had to do that shit! Look at the chase scene in the Blues Brothers.  They just crush about 20 cop cars. Then, they absolutely destroy Daley Plaza. These days, they would just photoshoppe in all those cars and accidents.  Especially explosions. It’s really easy to walk away from a green screen while they add an explosion in post production. Before about 1990, they really blew shit up.  It was terrific!

What book/movie world would you want to live in and why?

Fish Called Wanda.  Capers and crime and peak hotness Jamie Lee Curtis.  Everyone is a smartass, and everyone is drop dead hilarious.

You’re walking down the street, and look up to a see a man being carried off by a very large bird. What do you do?

Continue to watch.  Not sure he will be back.  Assuming this doesn’t happen often, I’ll need to explain that shit.   WAIT… scratch that. I have my cell phone. Film that shit!

With that being said… what the hell was that question?  What did that have to do with any of this?


**** bonus contributor this week.  Jamie, the original ‘Arizona Monkey Boy’ has sent in his.   You must remember Jamie.  You don’t?  Let this masterpiece of storytelling jog your memory >

If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

First… i have a third arm… i keep it in my pants…

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 
flying… not for me… and I’ve talked about this before.

Let’s say Led Zeppelin is doing a concert TONIGHT in Phoenix… you have a free ticket… and all you have to do is fly here. Do you really think you know the way? If it were me… I’d STILL have to take the freeway.

What if the concert was in Paris? Could you FIND Paris while flying? I mean… I know it’s north/east… and if i see the Eiffel Tower… sure… but i won’t be flying at night… that’s for sure!!

I really think flying would be more of a curse… than a blessing.

Flying… you also need PERFECT vision… can’t get cold easily… wind burn protection… and some kind of crazy built in GPS in the brain.

**** editors note – great perspective, James.  We think of the romantic aspect of flying and a metaphor for freedom.  Really, though… you are just always lost and always cold.  AND… doing favors for all your friends.  You may note that Jamie didn’t even read the question.  The question was what superpower would you give to your friend?
and he is missing most of the questions.  Overall, I give this an A+, though.  His take on flying just nails it.
Update to that update – I asked him to follow up with the rest of the q&a.  and he did… kinda
The other questions don’t interest me. Although… I’d like to live in Wilt Chamberlain’s autobiography… as long as I’m not one of the 20,000 girls. Just do it? More like… just Wilt it.

Anyway… the flying thing has always bugged me. Maybe it’s all the PTSD I have from delivering pizzas. I can just picture myself delivering a pizza… and flying at 2 mph… and saying… where the f_ck is this house?!

Flying would be good for commuting to work and home… that’s it. There’s no real way to make money doing it… but you could save a little.

Friday Fives – Batman did it!


What’s a casual saying that got so popular because it was said in a movie?

You know we need, Wondermutt?  Besides bread… a woman who appreciates us!

Now… that may not yet be an iconic line, but it just means you haven’t seen the best bad movie ever – Summer School.

What movie should never have been made?

Many would say Summer School.  I am going to go with the third Matrix.  However, I have never seen it.  Saw the first one, and I think it is one of the greatest and most important sci fi action films ever made.  THEN… I saw the second one.  I don’t even think I finished it.  It was so convoluted.  When these force these trilogies, it doesn’t seem to work.  Look at the Star Wars prequels!  I mean, aside from that cool ass scene where dude turns into Vader in the lava… did you really need the last 2 movies?  Phantom Menace was awesome… but the other two sucked.  Same with Bill & Ted sequel.  Many say the same about the Godfather films, but I thought all three were great.

So… lets’ answer that question by saying the third movie in just about every trilogy.

Perhaps my favorite movie of all time is ‘a Fish Called Wanda’.  This film is a landmark and a masterpiece… and I can prove it.  Kevin Kline won a best supporting actor Oscar for his portrayal of Otto.  Comedy films don’t get Oscars.   EVER.  In fact,l I think in the history of Oscars, only 2 men have won best supporting actor for a comedy role.  Kevin Kline, and Alan Arkin from ‘Little Miss Sunshine’.  My point being… they kinda made a sequel to that movie.  Not in story or character, sadly… just the cast.  The ‘sequel’ was called ‘fierce creatures’, or something like that.

What book/play should be made into a movie?

The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto.  I am reading this right now.  Well, listening to it.  So, of course I am casting the film in my mind.  For the adult version of Frankie, I had Chris Cornell in mind.  True story, and then Cornell died like a week after I started the book.  So, that is gone to shit.  Thanks a lot, Cornell!  This book just came out in the fall, though, so it’s very possible it will get optioned.  It’s a hell of a story, and this writer is a big deal.  He wrote Tuesday’s with Maury.. the most boring title ever!

What movie utilized a song to its fullest potential?

Ooh, that is fun.  We talk a lot about movies, and even more about music.  We need to do that.  I think I have to go with Aretha Franklin breaking in to ‘r-e-s-p-e-c-t’ as a waitress in the Blues Brother’s movie.  I don’t much like musicals… I think it’s a guy thing.  I hate with they force a transition in to song.  However, in the Blues Brothers… all the music was organic

If you were a Gotham villain, how would you piss off Batman?

do genuine good for poor people.  And, of course, employ a publicist.  Look at Hugo Chavez.  That guy was likely an evil genius, and truly was in a comic book cast… against GW Bush.  Bush was busy bungling 2 world wars… all while telling everyone how evil Chavez was (he was the president of Venezuela).  So, Chavez rolls into Manhattan with a tanker truck full of heating oil that his henchmen just gave away to poor people.  True story.  Meanwhile, at that moment, Chavez had to follow BUSH as a speaker at the UN.  He said he could still smell the sulfur from the Diablo standing there before him.  It was pretty great.

Does that not sound like the first 10 minutes of every batman film?  Then… we find out the heating oil was mind control juice… a la Elsinore beer in Strange Brew.  So… that is how I would piss off Batman. I would undermine him with years and years of good deeds.  In the meantime, I am destroying the system from within by virtue of corruption… but externally, I am mister nice guy building parks and stuff.

Scratch that- better idea.   WAY WAY WAY better idea.  Strongly imply it was he who killed his parents.  Turn this whole victim/vigilante story on its head.

This is straight out of the books of Karl Rove, and is a variation on the classic GOP fraud of ‘push polling’.  I go out and I have a press conference.  Unlike every other press conference/event, this one will NOT end in my henchmen destroying the town.  This will be good old fashioned boring politics.  This speech below assumes people do not know he is batman, or that I am Moleculo.  Here is the speech I give:

For too long, there have been whispers and rumors in this town we need to put to rest once and for all.  Like all of you, I have heard too often that it was Bruce Wayne who killed his family.  Like many of you, I have seen evidence that looks incredibly damning.  It is true Bruce and I don’t get along professionally.  That doesn’t mean he killed his family.  Whatever happened long ago in that alley isn’t our business.  The past is the past.  We can not move forward by dwelling on the past.  Even if he did murder his family that night in cold blood as a child, the good work he has done for our community far outweighs it all.  I am also not going to bring up the stories of his father being a bagman for the mafia.  It is absurd.  Until someone can come forward with absolute proof, it is time we embrace Bruce Wayne and stop our silly gossiping.


What is a long-forgotten good manner that you think should be brought back?

All of them.  Respect for women:  holding the door for hot bitches, for example.  That was a joke, of course.  Here I am reminded of a great lyric from ‘hiphopopotamus vs. rhymenoceros’ from Flight of the Concords.  Oh yeah, that is a real song title, and the song is even better.  Link to the song here.  BUT… I was talking about the funny lyric about misogyny.

Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist
But you lovely bitches and hoes should know I’m trying to correct this

They actually have a line along those lines that is literally too funny to print.  But, I ain’t sharing it because it is so good, I use it on stage.  It always kills.  Tell you what; leave me a comment so I know you are reading and I’ll tell it down there.

What good deed of yours were you punished for?

Glad you asked.  Time to tell this take publicly for the first time.  I will not name the company I was working at, because I am better than that.  Let’s just say they are the only company ever to be voted nationally two years in a row as the worst company to work for.  Bloomberg once called them the ‘Meanest Company in America’.  If you google worst company’s to work for in Yahoo, Dish network comes up by default… before you even get to the article.  Boy, that shows how bad Yahoo is doing.  I just called running a Yahoo search ‘googling’.  Let’s just say the company’s name rhymes with ‘Dish Network’.  They were planning a site closing, and were going to announce it with about 6 weeks’ notice.  Having JUST gone through the EXACT same thing with Nextel two months before… I was something of an educated citizen on these things.  This was almost exactly 15 years ago.

I knew that when you did a plant/office closing, or moving of a plant more than 40 miles away, you had to do a ‘WARN act’ letter.  It stands for worker relocation notification act’ or something like that.  Wait, I should get the specifics before I engage in accusing a large corporate of large scale employment law fraud.  Dish The company in question did this short of shit so often, though, I often tend to tune out.

WARN offers protection to workers, their families and communities by requiring employers to provide notice 60 days in advance of covered plant closings and covered mass layoffs. This notice must be provided to either affected workers or their representatives (e.g., a labor union); to the State dislocated worker unit; and to the appropriate unit of local government.

 Apparently, they told the government (we think), but not any of the workers.  The reason we think they told the government was another classic screw up by said company.  A week before they were set to tell us, news crews showed up on the property and began interviewing employees asking them about the layoff.  100% true story, every aspect of this is.  Trust me, it has to be.  I am aware I am saying some serious shit that could get me sued out of existence were it not 100% true and lived by me.

I told the HR folks about the WARN thing, trying to help them cover their asses.  I was, without question, trying to protect my employers.  I can prove this because I talked to them, and them only.  If I wanted them busted for large scale employment law fraud (like I do, now)… I would not have warned HR.  I would not have said a thing.  I would have waited and watched and then told the Department of Labor, and the Department of Justice, and the Public Utilities Commission, and my congressman, and Tom Martino (he was BIG back then), then I would have told all the local TV news stations, because they love this stuff.

But I ratted them out to NO ONE.  I warned them.  They pushed back on me.  I warned them again.  This time, I copied verbatim the law, and emailed it to them.  So, she (again, not naming names, but let’s say her name was Ashley, for the sake of the narrative) then told me ‘oh, well, I get it.  But, this isn’t that.  This is just a plant relocation.  So, the WARN act doesn’t apply.”

Wrong again, I explained.  A ‘relocation’ is always regarded as in state.  NY says any move over 50 miles triggers this notification necessity.  The Fed is more generous and says anything over 100 miles counts.  This plant was moving from Denver, CO to Brownsville, Texas.  According to Google, that is 1200 miles.  At this time, the correspondences stopped from HR.  I assumed that was because they finally understood, or talked to their labor lawyers.  Nope.  Two afternoons later I was fired for no cause.

I asked why.  They said ”you didn’t put in your end of shift report anything about ____ being a no call no show.”  I said ‘sure I did.  It’s all there.  Let’s pull it up now and I will show you.  You must at least have a hard copy handy?”  they did not, and had no plan to show me one or let me get mine.  No verbal or written warning for anything, either.  Just a termination.  That was literally the thanks I got for trying to protect and save their asses.

The only satisfaction I got was when I filed for unemployment, and obviously won.

I had NO idea I was going to tell this story.  I just answer the questions the minute i open the email from my editor & blogging mentor.  Clearly, that far too long rant should have been it’s own piece.  Oh well, it is an important and true story.  and, fuck those guys.  Of course, in retrospect, it was a blessing to get out of there.  Seriously, though, fuck those guys.  Also, they totally went ahead with telling everyone they were shutting down in like 30 days.  Then, and this is totally true, they never did close the place. They ended up not moving a single job out of that building… except mine.  I don’t think I was the catalyst.  Making anything right, or doing the right thing, has NEVER been how Charlie rolls.  Go ahead and google the stories.  Or, go to and read them, just to make yourself feel better about your shitty job.

What things do people do that you hate? intentional or not

My biggies are driving related, and I have ranted about them endlessly here.  So, let’s do it one last time.  In short, if your wipers are on, your lights should be, too.  It is that simple.  If I was a cop, I would arrest every single asshole who drove around in a blizzard in a white sedan, with their lights off.  Next one, turn signal.  Use it, ALWAYS.  Use it leaving your driveway, use it going into a parking spot, use it if you are taking a left and you are already in the left hand turning lane.

Use it if you are going to cut me off, for your own good.  It costs you NOTHING, and takes NO effort to use.  I don’t care if you are the last person on earth, switching lanes at 4 am.  Use your fucking turn signals.

What group of people do you feel it is okay to make fun of?

Oh gosh, that list is long.  Why do you think I use a pseudonym here?  Um… lesse… scientologists, Mormons, republicans, Christians, Catholics.  Pretty much anyone who takes the side of magic over science… like you climate change deniers.  People with tattoos on their faces, and pretty much everyone that lives in the bible belt.  That is mostly it, for now, I think.

 What is something that is better the old fashioned way?

Explosions in movies.  Heck, everything before CGI.  I don’t totally hate CGI.  It gives the director almost unlimited options for scenes.  However, pre CGI (I am thinking about 2000-ish) when you saw something on screen, you know it happened.  In Blues Brothers, they desotroyed some 50 cop cars in a chase scene.  Also, they did incalculable damage to city hall and Dealey Plaza.  The director lied about everything that would happen so he could get a film permit.   He then told the crew to make SURE they caught it all in one take.  They won’t be invited back.

There is another scene when they are driving down Lower Wacker Drive, doing about 90.  It looks like 90 in the film, too.  However, the director was concerned it would just look like they were going 30, and speeding up the film.  So, they reshot the scene doing an actual 90 MPH (again)… on city surface streets, mind you.  They added in pedestrians walking in the background for scale, so you could have a frame of reference for just how stupidly fast they were going.

My point being, all these incredible and dangerous and stupid and illegal scenes all happened because we SAW them happen in the film.  These days, why bother actually blowing up a car?  It’s too dangerous, and no one will think you did it anyway.  I got all these Blues Brothers facts from the special edition DVD that came out.  It has AMAZING featurettes where they talk about all the insanity and fun of making that film.  It’s funny, because – for a movie that is literally and truly a love letter to Chicago… they really fucked Chicago up making it.  Here is a youtube search that may have the featurette in question.  But, just buy the DVD.  It was like $12. $8.  This is the exact one I have.