Friday Fives

1. How do you fell about re-gifting?

not really for it or against it. Boring question. Save that for the Christmas edition.

2. Regardless of the genre, name a work that should be a cult classic but isn’t

Smashing Pumpkins – Gish. It is a very niche album. Wasn’t meant to appeal to many, and the production is sparse. However, it is beautiful and powerful and perfect in every way. Or, was this supposed to be about movies?

3. I never did the catechism. What is so good about Friday?

ah yes, I did all that schooling. There is nothing good about Friday. Friday was the day their leader, Christ, was murdered. I have talked about this before. Let’s say I get killed on a Tuesday. Call that Tuesday whatever you want, but don’t called it ‘awesome Tuesday’. That kinda hurts, and really sends the wrong message. Don’t worry, the giant bunny will move the Sisyphean boulder yet again up the hill and our lord will emerge.

4. Ever see the Simpson’s episode in the store where Marge finds all the discount tapes of real and make believe amalgams of groups like Air Supply, Loggins & Oates, Seals & Crofts, Pablo Cruise etc. ?
When Lisa asks what kind of music they all play, Marge can’t recall the genre. Homer offers “Crap rock?”, but that’s not it. Then Bart says, “Wuss rock?”, and that’s it.
So, with all that said, what is the worst Wuss Rock band of all-time?

REO Speedwagon. They are soundly mocked, a la Michael Bolton. Yet, they wrote huge sounds and toured stadiums. The music was as gay as Billy Squires, yet bigger. Actually, maybe I should change my answer to Billy Squires.

5. So, when Carl Kipper gets out of jail, will you let him date your sibling?

Steve? No. Steve is a top, and so is Carl. I see all kinds of conflict, not to mention Steve being an Aries cusp. Unless Carl’s moon is in the Capricorn house, all you get out of that relationship is gay drama and broken dishware.

Friday Fives

snow style >

1.  When was your first snow storm?

well, I should qualify this with some boring and oft repeated data.  I grew up in Phoenix, so I didn’t get to see snow fall from the sky until a teenage trip back to Buffalo, NY… where the other half of our family lives.  I remember we were at Grandma and Grandpa’s house on Grimsby for Christmas and it snowed Christmas eve.  I can’t begin to tell you how tickled I was, and how meaningful it felt to me.  I remember running outside and stamping ‘Merry Christmas’ in the street in the snow.

I thought this would be a welcome memo of joy for morning drivers.   By the time I got back inside and warmed up… I looked out the window to size up my masterpiece.  It was gone!

Gone!  erased for all time.  Being from Phoenix, I didn’t quite understand the physics of snow.  Yeah, the new snow covered the old snow (bearing my tidings) in about ten minutes.  In Buffalo, they call that ‘lake effect snow’… and it ain’t no thing to them.
2. When was your favorite snow storm?

Probably my first blizzard in Denver, Oct 2007. We had moved here in February of that year from AZ.  It was my first blizzard ever, and was terribly romantic.  We were in an apartment so crappy that it literally snowed through the gaps in the window sills. Also, we were too poor for cable back then, and our broadcast tv didn’t work for shit.  So, we were genuinely surprised.  However, we had a big fireplace and had met some friends in the building and made a party of it.  We had 8 foot snow drifts by morning, and we both had to dig our cars out for jobs we eventually didn’t have to go to.  We loved it.  We had never seen the sky unleash a holy white terror for 16 hours straight like that.  It was humbling!

3.  Comfort foods?  Desert or savory?

savory, I guess.  My favorite food is sammiches.  A well crafted hot sandwhich is the best thing on earth.   Safeway makes a really good one, get the ‘Chicago South Side panini’.  Make sure they add your lettuce and tomatoe after they toast it.  Also, Crazy Jerry’s sammiches are just about a vice.  I get there once a week.  Unless you live here in South Denver, you have no idea.  You will, though.  Come and visit.

4.  Ever had a car accident in winter weather?

Yes, it was the moment I knew I had to get a  truck.  In college, I lived in Flagstaff, AZ.  Flagstaff is higher than Denver (7,000 feet, vs Denver’s 5,200) and we got crazy snows.  I was delivering Chinese food for years in college to make ends meet.  One day I was out delivering (or is it… derivering ha ha) in a huge snow storm.  I got stopped at an intersection and my little Honda slid on the ice into a pick up truck in front of me.  Crash!  It was mortifying, because if my insurance knew I was delivering food, they would not cover me (or her) for the damage.  So, as I walked up to make sure the driver was ok, I slid the Chinese food into the trunk.  Done!

So, the front of my Honda was destroyed.  $5,000 in damage, as it slid under her pickup truck.  The good news was it did nothing to her pickup truck.  She thought the whole thing was funny.  She said we didn’t need to call the cops (it would have been my ticket, see.  Rear ending always is.  Failure to control vehicle… i have a couple of those tickets).  She said her boyfriend wouldn’t even notice.

*** it is pertinent I mention the boyfriend angle because she was really cute.  See, my buddy Jaime and I picked up two chicks we met in a car accident in high school, and we combined cars and hung out together all night.  Weird way to pick up chicks, but it worked… after they t-boned us from running a stop sign. Strange, but totally true.  I lament to report I did not get the opportunity to t-bone them.  If you know what I mean.  Maybe not a way to meet girls after all.  What the hell did I know?

Anyhow, at that moment, I realized I should really get a pick up truck.  Six pick up trucks later, I have driven or owned nothing else since I crashed that little Honda.

a postscript to that.  Years ago I was driving up in Boulder in a snow storm and a similar thing happened.  I had stopped at a red light and a little tiny Geo metro railed into the back of my Toyota truck.  I went back and found his car buried underneath my towing receiver hitch.  It totally destroyed his front end, and all I had (once we drug him out) was some of his red paint at the bottom of my hitch.

with absolutely zero bucks in damage, I knew I had to pay it forward.  The kid was freaked and said he didn’t have insurance.  I told him don’t sweat it, we are cool, he is free to go.  I wonder if that dude is driving a truck right now, telling a similar tale.  not really.  I don’t really care.

5.  Would you let Carl Kipper be your designated driver?

yes, I would.  We are into the tail hours of the ‘blizzard of 2009‘, and so with my office being closed most of today and most of tomorrow, I have had a few drinks.  That is what we do for blizzards, drink and watch movies.  Truth be told, this wasn’t much of a ‘blizzard’ at all.  I only have about a foot of snow outside.  Regardless, I do not drink and drive.  Carl is on point.

Now, here is something maybe you didn’t know.  Did you know that a ‘blizzard’ isn’t really about snow?  It ain’t.  Blizzard is a weather condition regarding wind and visibility.  Blizzard conditions are often declared long after snow has stopped.  This is your blizzard cheat sheet > snowing at one inch an hour or more, and winds of 20 MPH or more simultaneously.  We certainly had that today.

Really, though, today wasn’t much of a blizzard.  A blizzard is when you open your front door and there is an 8 foot wall of snow because of drifts.  A blizzard is when you open the garage, you can’t see your pickup truck.  I have been in plenty of those here in Denver.  They are awesome.  Today was just a decent angry snow.  Good thing, it was the first snow of the year.

big tangent there.  Sorry.  Yes, Carl is my driver.  Carl is many things to me.  Today, though, Carl is my driver.  Carl is my lover.  Carl is my gal!

in closing, remember what the snowflake has taught us.  You are unique, just like everyone else!

Friday Fives

1. What is the  first song you remember hearing?

West Virginia, Mountain Mama… that John Denver song.  Don’t remember where I was, but I was a kid and we were somewhere in the woods.  It seemed I was living that song, and it was a transcendent moment.  I think it is a moment I try to relive every day living here in beautiful and amazing Colorado.

2. What is the first movie you remember seeing?

Star Wars, vaguely.  Movies haven’t really shaped me like books and music have.  I mean, a few have rocked me to the foundation:  Harold and Maude, and Forrest Gump to name a couple.

3. What is the first book you remember reading?

five were missing, or mouse on a motorcycle.  Though it has been 30 years, I have found those books as an adult and am super proud to own them.  A couple of years ago, when I finally found a copy of ‘Five were Missing‘ i read it in the tub in an hour or two.  It did not age well.  It was a revolutionary piece of literary awesomeness… at the time.  Today, it reads as something shit out in 90 minutes for 10 year olds.

4. When did you first realize the world around you?

I remember feeling profoundly different and seperated from the world at a young age.  Not alienated, mind you.  I had an awesome and fun and perfect childhood.  I just remember wondering why i thought so different from everyone.  In retrospect, I turned out mostly normal.  So, maybe everyone has those thoughts.  I don’t know, I was afraid to talk about it.   Plus, I think I may have saw a space ship when I was really young.  Problem is, I can’t be sure if it was an actual occurance or maybe a show I saw.   true story.  You are the first person I have EVER told that to.   So, don’t tell anyone.

5.  How should Carl Kipper  celebrate his AIG rewards?

Carl was a hard worker.  Carl bust his ass every single day why you sat in your cubile and played solitare.  Carl is the reason any of us still have a job.  So, let’s just quit the blame game and put his stapler in jello again.

Friday Fives

Do you keep a journal?

like a diary?  No.  I used to keep journals in college, but right now I would say this is truly my journal.  Right here, you reading it now!  See how generous I am?

Do you doodle.  What is it you doodle?

not really.  If I have a pen in my hand, it’s because I have to… so I am likely making or taking notes.

Deep base or rolling melody?

having no idea what that means, I would say rolling melody.  Aw, who am I kidding?  I have a $1200 stereo in my truck and all I listen to is NPR.  I am so lame, it’s just sad.

When you quibble, and trust me you do, what do quibble about the most?

* warning to the reader.  Upcoming 6 paragraph tangential rant directly ahead.  As an editor, I would edit this for being pointless and rambling.  However,  also being the author… this guy is dead on!  The piece remains in tact!  – ed

usually, the utter wrongness of the Republican philosophy and ideology.  Like, when Republicans bitch about the monster deficit of the Obama admin.  These same people said nothing when Bush racked up the hugest debt in history, and spent every penny overseas.   Bush gave 10 billion, BILLION, to Pakistan.  No one said a word.  Obama wants to spend money in OUR country, on our bridges, on our schools, on our electricity grid and everyone is butt hurt.  If you are Republican, you are all retarded failures at everything.   Seriously, just go kill yourself.  You are the reason why the entire world is in the shitter right now, and instead of doing anything to help anyone, you sit around and listen to Rush waiting for Obama to fail.  die.

As for that awesome comment I hear every day, where people say “I sure would like to find that money tree that Obama gets all this money from”.  I say “from the same fucking tree that Bush used for Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Iraq you fucking ignorant asshole.  You just didn’t recognize the money because it had never been spent in our own country on our own people before.”

I mean, everyone asks ‘what if this doesn’t work?’  You  mean, what happens if we end this term with nothing but: better roads, newer bridges, better schools, health care for the working class, energy independence, and job creation?  Is that your fear?  Is that what happens if we ‘fail‘?  Or, do you mean, what if he does all that and we are still deep in debt?  Well, what do we have to lose?  What is the downside of this plan?  We are already super deep in debt as a country, and we are approaching 10% unemployment.  By fall, 10% of American houses will sit empty, as 10% of Americans are without their homes.

Seriously, what do we have to lose?  Money?  Credibility?  We are broke, our houses aren’t worth shit, we are in two wars, we are 38th in the world for health care, and the world hates us.   What exactly do we have to lose, here?  Who gives a shit about our national debt?  I mean, who really does?  Has the national debt ever been tacked on your burger king bill or paycheck?  You never did care before, and you won’t after this.  If we are going to print money like the Republicans did (Reagan and the two Bush’s have the highest deficit spending records in history, fact) then why not get something out of it?  Why not fix a road or two?  Why not throw down some health care for some of the 50 million uninsured in this country so they CAN go to work and pay taxes and spend money in their communities?

800 billion.  Ok, let’s imagine the worse case fiscal scenario.  Let’s imagine in eight years we still owe the 800 million.  Let’s just say that happens, and the tax revenue to pay it back didn’t materialize.  Yet, we owe that but we pay for community college for any kid who wants in, health care is available to all working Americans.  Let’s imagine that we don’t worry about Muslim extremists bombing our country because they are all dead ass broke because we don’t buy their oil anymore?  A bankrupt terrorist isn’t too much of a threat this far away.  Wanna stop terrorism?  Voting Republican doesn’t do it, not buying gas ever again does.

Let’s say those things happen and we still owe 800 billion to ‘future generations’.  Wouldn’t it be worth it?  I have had this piece simmering violently in me for months.  It started when all those fucktards in Congress (both parties) that passed the TARP bailout that bought new jets for all those wall street assholes and still haven’t loaned a penny to the American blue collar workers.    Where we you on that one?  That whole piece of shit buyout went down on Bush’s watch.  Socialism?  Yeah, it’s happening, and not because of the Dems.  Because Bush had to buyout all the banks that robbed your asses since Clinton handed them the keys on the honor system.

other than that, I an generally and agreeable person.  I swear.*

How much does Carl Kipper actually owe you?

honestly, that is between Carl and I.  I don’t to my dirty laundry in public.  By the way, if you see him (and this seems to imply you do see him fairly often), tell him I am looking for him.  When you do that, make that knife pantomime motion across your throat for me.  He’ll know who its from.

*  ok, that’s it for now.  have a great weekend.  I love you all, and I am sorry I got so mad at you Republicans.  I just can’t tolerate how wrong you have been for the last eight years, and how much deep deep damage you have all done.  You all deserve to suffer, frankly, and now you have taken us all down with you.