Friday Fives – passwords and pirates


1.  If you were a pirate what would be the name of your pirate ship?

the Assman

2.  Now that we are supposed to change our passwords, what are you changing yours to?

omg, this 12 letter protocol is KILLING me.  Obviously, for reasons of corporate security and Sarbanes Oxley…. I can only give you a hint.  It looks like this “12 letters?  then special characters?  What the fuck?  Maybe if the NSA tried this we wouldn’t have lost EVERY secret this country to a guy who a flash drive”.  that may be more than 12 letters, but you get idea ****

3.  What thing “just ain’t the same anymore?”

TV.  I am kinda sad we have lost the commonalities.  Like, everyone over 40 knows different strokes.  Why?   Because with only 3 channels we had NO choice.  Same with music.  We all knew the same songs because had NO choice.

4.  What is something that you’re embarrassingly bad at?


5.  What is your best potential band name?

no comment.  I accidentally named my own band name, and then it got voted in while I was gone.  The great Dave Barry has a great bit on this, and has been doing it for 30 or 40 years.  Listen, there is a pretty funny story behind the whole thing.  I won’t go into it now, but ask me over a beer or camping and I’ll tell the tale.

**** can we talk about this for a second?  This isn’t about whether or not I am pro Snowden or not.  This isn’t about if he is a villain or a hero.  This is about a contractor stole everything the govt has and put it on a flash drive.  What kind of security is running the earth, here?  I can’t even copy a picture at work onto my personal flash drive at work because of encryption.  But, if you want you to know where every hidden missile silo is in America… or what dictators we kill…. just let in a contractor with a flash drive.  Why the fuck do we have contractors handling America’s most sensitive information?  Why isn’t it encrypted?  Why do we have flash drives on our govt computers?  Did you know, for example that govt employees can’t have cell phones with cameras on them?  Lastly, how was this guy not strip searched like 30 times before leaving?  Listen, when I worked at Jack in the Box 30 years ago we had to be searched by the manager every night before we left.  But… I guess if you are the NSA…. here… go ahead and carry about these pizza boxes that sure look like a lot of laptops.


Friday Fives- smells and memories edition

sorry, that is a crappy title.  I get the questions from my editor.  The titles, though, I make up myself.  These questions can only be summed up by my editors deep hatred of me.   and fish.

What is your favorite underrated TV show that everyone should know about?

nothing I can think of.  I watch the same shows you do, and they aren’t exactly underground:  duck dynasty, dexter, breaking bad.   OOOHHH WAIT.  I thought of one;  CNN has a show called ‘Inside Man’ by Morgan Spurlock.  He is the guy from Supersize Me.  He is a genius, and I love all of his work.  If you have seen any of his movies or shows… this new show is exactly like those.  That is ok, though, because I love Morgan.

Speaking of CNN and new shows, Anthony Bourdain has a new show on CNN, too.  Here is where it gets weird, though.  Ever seen his other shows:  a cooks tour, kitchen confidential, no reservations, the layover?  Well, this new show is EXACTLY like those  shows.  I love Bourdain.  Read his book and I follow his writings.  However, his tv shows are identical.  Freakishly so.  I don’t know if I blame Bourdain for that, or CNN. If I were a good journalist… or journalist at all, I would likely google the name of the new Bourdain show for you.  My articles, as you can see, and impeccably well researched. I am not researching Bourdain’s show as a matter of principle.  Just called it ‘No Reservations 5’.  It is the 5 iteration of that show.

Hell, Bourdain travels the world and gets paid to eat and be a snarky hipster who makes his bones being snarky about hipsters.  So, he has the last laugh.

That got a little tangenty, so I will sum up here.  Big yes to ‘Inside Man’ from Morgan Spurlock, and a meh to whatever the hell they are calling the Bourdain show.  Skip the Bourdain show and read his amazing book.

Also, since we are talking about what TV shows everyone is watching, I have to say this.  I don’t watch ‘Game of Thrones’.  Apparently, I am the only person on Earth not watching it.  Every time someone asks me about it, which is literally daily, it makes me not want to watch it all the more.  Ok?  Shut the fuck up about Game of Thrones.  I have zero bandwidth for new shows right now.  In a month, I will have plenty of time.  Dexter, Breaking Bad, and Under the Dome will all be over.  So, I will use that time to watch even more West Wing.  I know I am late to the party on that, but I just started watching from scratch about a month ago and i LOVE it.

Then, if I am going to go back and pick up a new show, it would be Sons of Anarchy, Mad Men, or the Wire.

What would your sixteen year old self say if they could see you now?

Oh man, I have actually written a lot about this.  I hate to re-write that story, so lemme see if I can find a link to one of them.  I am so often so correct that there is no need to repeat myself. FOUND IT.  It’s right here.  Here is the fun part about this, I wrote it almost ten years ago.  Let’s see if it still holds up.  Well, read it first.  Did you read it?  Ok, some changes 10 years later.  Don’t much go to parties or concerts.  Well, I do, but not like I used to.  I can’t sleep 12 hours in a row anymore, which is sad.  I still love love love sleep, but now I sleep like a regular person.

I still have the wife and the truck, and life is still grand.  I have gone farther with that dream of ten years ago.  I said something about not having a camper.  Well, now I have two campers!  Plus, I live on my own ranch now.  So, it’s like going on vacation every day when I come home.

Ok, here is my big lesson.  Ashton Kutcher said it here, and so did Thomas Jefferson.  Opportunity looks a lot like hard work – Kutcher said that. I am sure millions have.  But, I super respect an actor/model receiving a teen choice award standing up and saying it out loud for a new generation. Thomas Jefferson said “the harder I work, the more luck I have seem to have”.  My dad had another one “you cay pay now, and play later… or play now and pay later”.  My step dad, Roj, taught me even more by example.  Hard work is the key.  Oh, and monotonous work.  That is a big part of it.  You go in every day, always.  Be there before they get in, and after they are gone.

Oh, and I would say this to my 16 year old self “cool beard, huh?”  See, I always wanted a beard but could never grown one.  Oh, and I would point out to 16 year old self I am a in a rock band now.  So, growing up and old isn’t so bad.  I am living the life I always dreamed of, just with less hair.  Speaking of that, here is a picture of me at 16.

What is the most horrid smell you’ve smelled?

bacon coffee syrup.  I was at this nice little independent coffee place here in Parker on Main Street.  As I was walking out with my coffee, I saw all their flavors.  They had the usuals – hazelnut, vanilla, french cream, chocolate, caramel, and bacon.  Bacon?  Bacon!  I told the lady I just had to smell the bacon syrup.  Why?  Because I love bacon.  Like every guy, and maybe a bit more, I love bacon. so, I smelled it.  I was ripe with confidence that I may have discovered the new greatest thing.  My two passions > coffee and bacon.  So, I smelled it.

It was disgusting.  It smelled like bacon alright, but super duper concentrated.  It smelled like 1000 slices of bacon distilled down to one liquid.  It was SO strong that after that whiff I did not touch bacon again for three months.  I looked online, and found it.  Here is proof!  try it, I dare you.  It’s like super hot wings.  I will pay for them just to watch you sweat.  We are doing that at work today.  We are going to see if we can break Suchocki.

Who is the one actor/actress that you can never like?

I have really tried to dislike the Scientology.  Problem is, they are all great actors, and incredibly nice people.  Besides their totally absurd beliefs about secret volcano gods, there is nothing wrong with these people.  Jason Lee, Tom Cruise, Mimi Rogers, Giovanni Ribisi, that guy who played Hide on that 70s show.  Oh, and Beck.  All cool and interesting people.  Oh well, who am I to judge?  Just kidding, I AM the judge.  Scientology is bullshit and I can prove it.  See, I don’t care about the mythology.  Its not much dumber than the Mormons.  No, what is wack about Scientology is they charge you for the knowledge.  So, it takes years, and hundreds of thousands of dollars to be told the truth.

back to the question – actors I hate.  Well, the late Dennis Farina was one.  Why?  For 30 years he played the exact same character every time.  Drives me nuts.  It’s not acting at that point.  Just reading lines and collecting checks.  Not exactly high art.

What are your go-to karaoke songs?

I don’t do karaoke.  Not because I am above it, but because I can’t sing.  i know, I know.  I am in singer in a rock band.  Trust me, I am always working on my singing, but its in band practice.  Plus, when you go, you have to hear ‘Black Velvet ‘ and ‘Friends in Low Places’ so many times it makes me want to stab my eyes out.  Wait, no.  That would be dumb and then i couldn’t play guitar.  So… amendment,  It makes me want to stab your eyes out.

oh, and I tried it once.  I won’t tell you what song it was, just that it went horrible.  I can sing in D.  Small problem, though, its the only key I can sing in.  It literally took me forty years to figure that out.  So, anything that isn’t in D does not go well for me.

Friday Fives – the gone and done did it edition

1. What was the bravest thing you have every done?

Wow and thoughtful question.  I don’t know that I have a sufficient answer.  Now, just because I don’t have a rad nad heroic tale to drop at the mere thought… does that make me some kind of pussy all of the sudden?  Yes.  Yes, it does.

2. Describe the meanest thing you have ever done.

Oh man, I have a thought here.  There are probably tons of tiny things.  I was anti everything as a teenager.  Had long hair, though everyone was a sell out, and the all corporations were evil.   So, I did mean and unnecessary petty crimes to stick it to the man.  Like what?  put in .25c for a newspaper and then take them all out and set them on top so people could just walk by the get the paper for free.  Yeah, I was a regular robin hood.

To answer the question, though; my wonderful and great friend Joel and I used to drive for hours and hours.  In high school, we were always driving.  Always.  I think we drove to Albuquerque once, just because we were bored.  Once, we were driving and we saw and old lady ahead of us driving really show.  For some horrible reason, we decided to follow her.  You know, just mess with her mind.  Not following close, or honking or anything.  Just matching each turn she took with one of our own.  After about ten minutes, we could tell she was trying to see if we were following her.  She started to make erratic driving decisions, until we accidentally cornered her.  Once we saw we had done that, we hightailed it out of there.

To this day I still feel horrible about this.  She was probably terrified, and thought we were going to kill her.  We had long hair and drove a scary old beat up Malibu (with stolen plates, mind you, and stolen registration stickers from a different car than the one we stole the plates from).  I can’t imagine what went through her head during that ‘chase’.  I mean, this is 10 years before cell phones… so she couldn’t call for help.  That may be the worse thing I have done, and I still feel like a dick.

3  Tell us about the nicest thing anything anyone has done for you.

There are a lot of superlatives here, and I don’t care for them.  We are talking about the ‘best’ and the ‘worst’ and the ‘biggest’.  Apparently, our guest editor this week is my 6-year-old nephew Ezekiel.  So, how about I instead tell you about something wonderful and nice… not being sure if it was the ‘bestest’ or not.

Some background;  i play guitar, a lot.  I especially play when I am camping.  When we camp, we sit around the fire and drink beer and I entertain everyone.  I do about a 2 hour performance with songs and stories and nonsense.  I am quite good at these camping gigs, after 25 years of guitar.   Anyhow, I tell you that to tell you this; it is impossible to find a camping chair (the crappy cheap folding vinyl ones) that don’t have arms.  Go ahead and look now.  You will not find a single one that doesn’t have arms.  This is a problem for me because I am sitting with a big ass acoustic guitar on my lap.   So, often I lament about this as everyone sits in a comfy chair and I am stuck on a crappy scraggy log.

One day, about a year or two ago, a package arrives at my doorstep.  It’s big, and it is from Afghanistan.  Wtf?  I mean… what is it?  What is in Afghanistan?  Bombs and beards and camels, I think.   Well, maybe a camel would be cool.  Then I remember my good friend Jeremy is serving over there.   So, I open it up and it is a folding camping chair… with no arms!  Jeremy had heard my laments over the years and thought of me when he found one.  So, he sent it across the Earth to me.  That is pretty fantastic.   Oh, and total bonus… he had it embroidered to say ‘ClownFight Rocks Denver’ on it.  Picture above.  To clarify, ‘ClownFight’  is my band.  Now that is a pretty great friend, don’t you think?


4. What was the most insane thing you have ever witnessed or done?

again with the superlatives.  How about this.  It involved aforementioned Joel, many many drinks, high school, driving a van through the river, and police.  That is about all I will say regarding that adventure.  Pro-tip > apparently this is a BIG no no in Scottsdale.   Oooh, wait.  I have one.  We were night golfing once in Scottsdale at this nice course by my mom’s.   This story also involves high school and drinking… big surprise.  Anyhow, night golfing it when you sneak (er… trespass) onto a golf course to golf.  You bring only a putter, though.  No other clubs.  Just a backback full of beer.  I mean a LOT of beer.  Like, each dude had his own backpack full of beer.  

This is not the most insane thing, mind you.  Stay tuned, we were just establishing mood and setting up there. 

Well, someone tipped off the cops to what we were doing.  These are MINOR crimes.  You have underage drinking (not even drinking and driving, we walked there… literally) and trespassing.  We weren’t stealing carts or anything cool like that.  Scottsdale (Phoenix rich cousin… think Cherry Creek for you Denver folk) apparently had very little crime happening that night.  They came after us with 2 cruisers on to the golf course and a HELICOPTER.  The helicopter had one of those super huge spotlight things called ‘night sun’.  I can only imagine two big ass police cruisers chasing us across the course caused WAY more damage than we would have with putters.  So, in that environment, you have about 6 seconds to decide— stay or flee?  There was about 8 of us.  We decided quickly to flee.  The smartest thing we did was all break up.  Meet back at Sasha’s, use the alleys.  More cops convened as we snuck through the neighborhoods.

The first thing I did was to hide my putter.  Once I was off the property, if they found me I could just say I was out walking around and had nothing to do with the incident.  They would know it was BS< but couldn’t prove it.  So, that was my plan.  Ditch the putter in the bushes and come back tomorrow.

That is not the end of our story, team.  My route back to Sasha’s was about a mile through neighborhoods that were desert landscaped.  That means, no trees or bushes to hide from cops and helicopters.  It is literally all gravel and cactuses.  I had to hide in an Ocotillo cactus  as the helicopter came over, I was about a block from the golf course.  Somehow, it worked.  we all got back to Sasha’s.  They caught NONE of us.  Good thing.  Those cops and the golf course would have charged our parents for the course damage the cop cars caused. *

5. Describe the most “out of character” thing you secretly want to do.

I don’t even know how to interpret that.  For you, though, i will try.   In my character, I try to be super nurturing and helpful to everyone… especially my community.  So, for me to do something out of character would go against that mission statement.  Why would I try and hurt my friends or fam or community?

* oh, and I witnessed a child kidnapping and never told anyone about it, still… to this day.  Why?  we were playing in the vacant lot where we weren’t allowed.  So, I knew if I told my parents or the police about the kidnapping, I would get busted for being in the lot