Friday Fives – jokes and russian sleeper cells

1. If you were held at gunpoint and had to tell a joke to save your life, what joke would you tell?

Well, I probably can’t tell any of my pedophile jokes.  I have a bunch, and I love them.  Seriously, I love pedophile jokes.  Know why?  It is one thing we can all agree is the most horrible thing imaginable.  Racist jokes aren’t funny, they come off more as mean.  Plus, I fear people are more racist than they let on.  Heck, I might even be, as much as I hope I am not.  Blonde jokes aren’t great, as they are mean to blondes.  We are all just secretly jealous.  I mean, the rap is what; blondes are oblivious to current events, are too busy having fun and great sex, and don’t fully grasp technology.  Man, that sounds AWESOME.  I wish that described my life.  Growing up, every blonde joke you know was told with ‘pollack’ as the subject line.  Not sure why, but people sure LOVED making fun of Polish folks in the 70’s.

I think my favorite is one I call ‘spinach pie’.  It’s so stupid it just rules.  However, you have to go camping with me hear that one.

So, I’ll go with this one.  It only works if the person holding the gun is a baseball nut.  You have to know who Marge Schott is, and what she is famous for.  She owns the Cincinnati Reds, and is known to be a horrible and intolerant racist.  Just a horrible human being.  The joke goes thusly:

A reported asks Marge Schott who will win the pennant this year.  She says “well, I think the Reds are the best team in baseball right now.  Of course, I am prejudiced”.

2. What is a time when you laughed and definitely should not have done so?

oh, jesus… too many times.  The reason you are reading this is because I have a twisted and keen sense of humor.  So, I see humor in everything.  That being said, I should have a zillion examples of such zany antics.  Well, I don’t.  So, just get off my dick already and leave me alone.  You think I live to make you happy?  huh?  how about if I just stop my entire goddamn life so at I can be your little cymbal banging prank monkey?  You make me sick!  ***

3. Streaming media time – dig deep.  What have you found on Roku/Hulu/Netflix/Amazon that is the off the beaten path and just the best.

not off the beaten path, but this is my newest discovery – The Americans.  It is a fiction set in the early 80’s.  The protagonists are a couple of Russian KGB sleeper agents… living in deep cover as a regular American couple.  It is SO compelling.  It feels almost like a documentary.  I wish this show was on HBO, so it could be darker.  However, it is on deep cable, so it is MUCH darker than anything the big three would put out.

Now, in the spirit of the question… if you are looking for something just stupid.  Nay… past stupid… you can thank Mike Ellis for this gem –  Professor Toothie

Not dumb enough?  FINE

4. What is NEVER going to happen?

Americans learning our congress doesn’t do DICK for them.  Never have, and never will. It gets worse every day.  I know I talk about this a lot, but it is literally the reason America isn’t number one in anything except infant mortality.  The following are not made up stats.  92% of Americans feel Congress sucks balls and is useless.  This is from a pew research poll.  They are super legit, and likely didn’t use terms like ‘suck balls’.  You have seen this meme in email about how Congress has more criminals than the NBA and NFL combined.  YET – you fucking dipshits re-elect them every time.  94% of congress and senators were re-elected in the last presidential election.  So, why wouldn’t they suck.

Let me put this in terms you will understand.  You know how you pride yourself on being a good dog trainer?  Imagine if your dog kept jumping on the counter.  You don’t like that at all. So, each time he jumps on the counter you say so very softly ‘bad dog, don’t do that’, and then gave him bacon.  Every time he jumps on the counter he gets bacon.  You wonder why he keeps jumping on the counter even though you say softly every time ‘bad dog’.  This is what you do with congress.  Every year you scream ‘they are all criminals and assholes and thieves’ to anyone who will listen.  Then, you re-elect them.  There is ZERO point in complaining about, or to, your congressman, and then re-electing them.  Your congress doesn’t suck.  YOU suck for voting them in.

Same thing with Wal Mart.  Wal Mart doesn’t suck.  They are doing what every company does.  Provide the best value for customers and the best returns for stock holders.  So, you know they don’t offer health care or a working wage.  It’s a super easy fix.  Stop shopping there.  Wal Mart isn’t the problem, you are. Stop bitching and go shop at Coscto.  Consumer reports said they are the best shopping experience according to polls.  They are also regarded as one of the best employers.  AND, they pay a livable wage and offer health care.  Plus, around every corner is free samples. Why in the world are you shopping at Wal Mart still?  You save maybe $1.37 across your entire $200 bill.

So, as long as Americans can’t put their money where there mouth is, and keep re-electing a congress they hate, and keep shopping at retailers that sicken them, we are doomed!

5.  What is your most boring encounter with a celebrity?

First time (of many) that I met the guys in Toad the Wet Sprocket.  They are super sweet and wonderful.  They are as delightful as their music is great.  I saw them play a free show here in Denver.  I was chatting with them backstage and I said “welcome to Denver, and thank you SO much for playing a free gig.”  Glenn replied, “Thanks, but we got paid a ton”

** how did I do on that?  I am trying to be darker, you know.  Something heavier, and artier.  I always hear about my hero’s’ dark side.  I don’t seem to posses one.  I am pretty much as amused and amusing as you think I am.  So, to be a great writer, I really need to turn up the smoldering rage, right?


Friday Fives – Geesh, he really just went off the rails on that one


allow me to explain a bit before you read further.  I came home from work and spend 7 hours cleaning for reletaives visiting this weeking.  SEVEN HOURS>… AFTER A FULL DAY of work.  now, most of you women say “welcome to my life”. or “that is what you get for having kids”.  I don’t have kids.  So, I got home at 9 am and drank four pots of coffee and cleaned (and watched action movies, of course).  So, I was a little fighty and punchy by the time I published this at 3 or 4 am.

also, I have to admit that I see this country getting SO fucked every single day by people voting against their own interest.  So, I get set off when I see the GOP explain to 50 million uninsured Americans why they don’t want to need health insurance… and then those fuckstards (and by that I mean every single person in the grianbelt) vote against giving themselves health insurance.  Did you know healthcare is the #1  cause of bankruptcy today?  So, I admit I got [ushy and fighty and I shouldn’t have.  At this point, though, i just say ‘fuck em’.  You want govt out of your life?  you win.  no more seatbelts, no more gun laws to protect your kids, no more copys or fire departments.  no more tv.  No one pointing nuclear weapons BACK a the middle East. no more fixing bridges or paving roads.  No more going to the doctor EVER.  You and Ron Paul will all be very happy… for about a week.

you use the govt every walking moment of your life, and they are genuinely there to help you.  Yes, we all know it’s expensive and inefficient but we get to that below.  I don’t even expect you to thank the govt, or me… just shut the fuck up about it unti you educate yourself.  OR… more to Florida.  They literally have NO laws, it is quite something.

1. What is the creepiest local legend in your hometown?

Love Canal.  I am from Buffalo.  We had a small accident with buried toxic waste.  Well, that was the plan.  Admittedly, we didn’t quote know that toxic waste doesn’t break down in our lives.  Well, they knew… but we didn’t it.  So… they buried this all of this nasty stuff outside of a Buffalo NY suburb known as ‘Love Canal’  They buried the stuff and put a whole housing community and school on it.  Figured ‘no big whup’ and kinda didn’t tell people.

According to Wiki, this was in the early 70’s  I MUST stress this timelines.  I am from Buffalo, NY.  I lived there in there early 70’s.   This is not a ‘legend’ or a ‘myth’.  the ground caught on fire.  Good news, that was 40 years ago.  it is STILL a ‘superfund’ site.  I was there three years ago.  it is still abandoned.  Miles of housing and schools just super empty like a twilight zone episode. gone.  emptied, and will forever be in lifetimes.

Here is another gem, Remember Erin Brockovich?  It was that great Julia Roberts film about a  utlitity company killing everyone off with cancer… and then covering it up while everyone died?  That shit HAPPENED. That isn’t a movie.  They fucking killed everyone and got away with it.Well, they were fined $450,000.  That is like asking me not to play a C7 anymore on guitar.  I kinda never was going to anyway.  Thanks, Toad, for putting that in every songl  Major props to the real Erin Brockovich who is still an aggressive environmentalist

Oh, and the company caught killing everyone?  They are doing just fine, no surprise

Then, you had British Petroleum fill the gulf with oil for 87 days.  Longest spill in HISTORY… of fucking EVER.  K?  not the biggest spill in recent memory, or in the us.  The worst still in EVER.  The latest figure are 210 million gallons.  Half the size of Oprah’s pool!

But here is what super pissed me off and scared me about that spill.  Not that it happened so much.  Accident’s happen, and I don’t think anyone had malicious intent (even though it is documented they were warned repeatedly).  I am no energy angel.  I drive a big ass prick up truck.  I admit, I AM the the problem.  But, my point about my concern with the BP spill is no one had any idea what to do about it.  There was NO plan to stop it or burn it off or turn of the hose.  There was nothing anyone on earth could do but watch for four months.

Now we have fracking and climate change concerns.  Don’t bevel me those won’t fuck us?  Think big business will protect you?  This is why I am a Democrat.  It is more than just ‘let big business alone, we all win in the end”.  Big Business willl murder you in a heartbeat for profit.  They always have, and they always will.  AND, they will get away with it.  They always have, and they always will.  If you believe  otherwise you are a dumbshit, gun nut, or religious idiot.

Sorry, didn’t mean to get so preachy.  It started as a quick reference to Love Canal as quick answer to #1 and I started thinking about the AMAZING history of the rich killing off the poor and getting away with it.

You see, I am not a Democrat because I am jealous of rich people, and I want my hand out.  None of us are.  We are Democrats because because the rich and powerful have fucked over the world for too long and never been held accountable.  Quick last example – wanna know how I vote o ballot initiatives?  Easy, the side with the least amount of money.  The poor kids went door to door to get that issue on the ballot and it took them years and thousands of dollars and hours.  Yet, some super rich company is going to produce this ten million dollar commercial telling you everything is fine and stop being such a pussy?  Well, if everything really was fine, why are they spending all that money?  Fracking, Corn Syrup, and Monsanto.  I am looking in your direction here.  If everything really is fine, then get off out dicks and stop spending billions tell us it is.

Do you remember that super expensive commercial where the sun had to prove it made plants?  Remember that campaign about drinking blood of your enemies was ok?  Hmmm.  Maybe because that shit is so obvious they didn’t need an ad campaign.

start here, then here, then here. then here. then here. and this one is just a gem.  Spoilert alert… its the gays.  historic climate change, worse droughts in history, a govt backrupted by environmental disasters related to climate change?  ALL the gays fault… and this isn’t a Fred Phelps story.  This is people interviewing Kansas folk as to why they vote their state unto ruin every single election?  Gays!  Seriously, watch it as long as you can

sorry, I usually keep this lite and fun.  But, for too long YOU have ruined America.  Proof.  YOU.  The latest gallup numbers says Congress approval for early 2014 is 13%

yet YOU assholes have re-ected them at a rate of over 90% for every election for the last 30 years.  Congress is not the problem.  YOU ARE for re-electing them.

same thing with wal mart.  everyone bitches about wal mart.  wal mart isn’t the problem.  They are getting you the best deal they can and maximizing profits in the mean time.  That is the job of every business on earth.  Sadly, wal mart sacrifices human rights and health care to do so.  That isn’t the free market anymore, dumbass.  Wal Mart pays so little that 40% of their employees are on govt assistance.  YOUR tax dollars pay to keep wal mart employees alive.

my point isn’t anti wal mart at all, it’s you.  Don’t blame wal mart for maximizing value.  Blame YOURSELF for shopping there.  Quit bitching and go to Coscto, who pays a living wage offers health care, and was recently called out by consumer reports as one of America’s best stores.   Prices, friendliness, location, viability of employees, and employee loyalty.

see, the problem isn’t ‘they’.  It’s not Congress, it’s not Wal Mart, It’s not Fema or Kansas.  it is YOU.  Take responsibility with your life and dol.  Vote out every single person in congress, your party or not.  Dont’ shop at wal mart, because I just proved to you that you are not saving DICK there.  You saved $.30 on cheese its over Costco, but your paycheck also send $300 a month to the gal who sells who cheese its.  Congress is the most fixable of all.  In football, the guy who drops the ball EVERY time gets fired.  In burger king, that kid who spits in your fries gets fired.  Yet, in Congress… they not only don’t get fired.  they get promoted.  THEN… they vote on their own raises.  THEY, they make a law that says most people deserve spit in their burgers.

well, something tells me this will generate some comments, eh?

2. What’s the nicest bathroom you’ve used?

you know, I don’t much care.  I am bothered by nice place where well dressed black guys sell you toilet paper.  as a white guy, this bothers me a LOT.   I don’t want to pay to poo… and I  certainty feel weird about paying a black guy for the privileged to poop.  WAY too much white guilt for me to process.

but that isn’t my real concern.  my biggest concern is businesses who use cheap toilet paper.  They ALL do  it – including my own company.  I know a guy, and we don’t need to use names (but it’s Tyler) who brings his own toilet paper to work.  As a consumer, it really bothers me.  Would you go to a business that said every time you walked in someone said “hey fatty fuck face” would you?  NO.  That is how I feel about every single business who uses cheap toilet paper.  I can’t think of a single business who does NOT do this.  Admittedly, I am a pretty cheap shopper.

3. What are you the “go to” person for?

at work?  fraud avoidance and detection.  For real like, anything you need to know about trucks or guitars.  Go ahead and ask me, PLEASE.  No one never does.  plus, as you can guess, I am a bit of a politico.

4. What news headline would cause mass hysteria? 

fuck it, there is nothing left to disappoint me about America.  Louisiana and Oklahoma just voted out Fema support through their Senators.  This is VERY pertinent because they are two largest states that require Federal aid for natural disasters.  and don’t be too concerned that BOTH those states have seen the most expensive years in history due to extremes of climate change.  It’s funny, because neither state believes in climate change.  Even better?  Guess who DOES believe in Climate Change, and is already making changes?  The insurance companies.  Because nothing like the disasters we are seeing have happened in the history or the recorded United States.  Righties, do you get the irony here?  You don’t believe in Climate Change (which still drives me nuts, because Dems have NOTHING to gain by making this up)…. anyhow, you think it’s a myth.  You are also dumb enough to trust big business to protect yo.  This is why if you are a righty you are a DUMBASS.  because… guess what… you may not believe it’s happening, but it is.   That is a fact that is doubling your insurance.  Are you getting the irony?  You don’t trust Dems, just big business.  and Big Business is about to start raping your insurance rates for climate change.

get it yet.  whether or not you believe in climate change, your big business buddies sure as shit do and you are about to pay for it.  PLUS…. remember when you shop at wal mart you are not just sending all your racist money to China… you are paying for Obamacare via medicare because Wal Mart won’t pay enough or allow fulll time employees so they can access healthcare.  That is what you get when you save you 75 cents on cheetoes and skoal.

that pic up top, it’s a Firenado.  since I know your buddy in El Camino doesn’t believe there is such a thing…. have him drive into it.

5. What should be done to people who don’t wash when leaving the bathroom?

ah jesus, haven’t I complained enough here already?

Friday Fives – New Years Revolutions edition

New Years Revolutions

You are president for a day.  You have an opportunity to lay out some new initiatives for the country.  Knowing that you have a combative congress (which is per design by the framers) but this is your chance to right some wrongs.  Whatcha thinking?

Gimme 5 initiatives and a quick few sentences on why.   GO!

1. Using your turn signal. 

It’s mandatory for everything that involves you turning.  Even if you are just turning in to your driveway.  Always use a turn signal.  What is the downside?  NONE.  It takes no effort, no energy, and no finite environmental resources.

If you are going to cut me off, just warn me.  Yes, even if you are in the left hand turn lane, turn your signal on.  Please.  Pretty please

 2. If your windshield wipers are on, so should be your headlights.

If I could hardwire this into cars, I would.  Every time we have a big snow storm, I see white sedans driving around in blizzard conditions with no lights on.  It makes them invisible.  Here is the deal, the headlights aren’t for you to see better… it is so we can see you.  Again, this takes no effort.

3. Solar panels – solar panels would be part of housing code.

Every new built house would need to average 5% of surface area of the roof fitted with solar panels.  See, we know solar works great, but it is super expensive.  How do you bring the cost down?  Economies of scale.  Once that building code was put in place, every business on earth would get into the solar business.  You would see more innovation and better pricing.

Yes, it would add to the cost of new houses, but not much.  Plus, it would create a shit ton of jobs and industry… which America needs.  I live in Denver, one of the sunniest cities in America.  They say we get more sunny days than Florida.  Why is my entire roof not covered in Solar Panels?  I’ll tell you why, it costs $5,000.  (I checked).  You get that on every single new house built and the costs would be more like $200.  And we give a warning.  Heck, I’ll give you 10 years to get your shit together, just like we did with the CAFE (car mileage) standards.  Until Obama, they hadn’t been updated in 45 years.

4. Congress would have to negotiate.

Right now, as every American knows, Congress gets nothing done.  Each side will vote against the other guys, no matter what the initiative was.  Heck, the GOP could open a bill called ‘puppies are great’ and the Dems would fight it.  So, for issues that are within a 20% potential majority, they are forced to negotiate.  What does this mean?  Old school thunder dome approach.  The lawmakers are sequestered in a hotel conference room.  No one leaves or goes home until an agreement is reached.  This is your job, and it’s what we pay you to do.  Wanna go home?  Need to pee?  Want to shower?  Not until we hammer out an agreement.

See, for some insane reason, Americans re-elect congress no matter what.  Find me one person who doesn’t think everyone in Congress is a crook.  Everyone hates them.  The data says 91% of Americans think Congress isn’t doing a goddamn thing.  Problem is, this is super duper fixable.  Vote someone else in, right?  I mean, that is democracy.  We don’t do that at all.  Last election (2012, where Obama was re-elected) 91% of Congress was re-elected.  Does this terrify you?  It should.

Can you tell me why 8 out of every 10 Americans thinks Congress should be fired, but then 9 out of that same 10 vote the same guys back in?  My theory remains this – voters think everyone in Congress is a crook… except their guy.  That is the only way to explain it.  Now, let me make another dog training analogy, because I LOVE analogies.  Really, I do.  For some reason, it seems the bulk of my reasoning process is all analogies.  So, here goes –

 Imagine every time your dog jumps on the counter.  Imagine each time that happens, you say “bad doggie, don’t do that” and then give him a piece of bacon.  Will the dog get off the counter?  No.  But, you told him he was a bad doggie.  Yes, you did tell him that.  BUT… what the dog sees is this – each time I jump on the counter, I get bacon.  Why do you keep giving Congress bacon?  Stop bitching and vote their asses out.  I don’t care what party you are, or they are.

 5. No more bill riders for spending.

A ‘rider’ is an initiative tacked on to another bill.  It is how big business and special interest sneak shit into law.  Remember that bill above, about ‘puppies are cute’.  I am going to pass that.  Then, Monsanto tacks a rider on that says genetically modified food does not have to be labeled.  They can make your corn in a lab instead of on a farm… and not even have to tell you.  Sound nuts?  Yeah, well it already happened.  There was some bill about recognizing farmers.  Yeah, the bill is called the ‘Farmers Assurance Act’.  That sounds great, right.  I mean, we need farmers.  Just kidding, Monsanto has decided we don’t.  they have labs instead. Monsanto got something tacked on to it known as the ‘Monsanto Protection Act’.

But… you thought you were voting on puppies being great, or farmers being heroes.  See, no one reads the fine print.  Each bill looks like a phone book, and it’s all in lawyer speak.  But… here is the super insidious part.  Lets say you caught this, and so you vote against it.  You know what they say come election time?  They say “Lono of Colorado voted AGAINST Americas farmers.”   Do you want to vote for a guy who hates farmers?

This is how the Patriot Act got passed.  It wasn’t printed until night before the vote.  This was a brilliant Rovian move.  There was literally not enough time to read it before the vote was do.  Who is going to vote against a bill called ‘the Patriot Act’ a month after 9/11?  No one.  You know how everyone is all up in arms about your cell phones being tracked by the NSA?  All that shit that Snowden leaked – it’s all legal, and it was all done in the Patriot Act.

The tragedy of Sept. 11 gave the impetus for the Patriot Act. It was introduced very soon after the attacks (around a month later), and it became law on October 26, 2001. In fact, there were only 48 hours between the introduction of the final draft of the Patriot Act and its passage into law. Many critics have observed that, in reality, 48 hours was much too short a time period to allow members of Congress to fully read and really understand the thing for which they would be voting. Some critics suspect that many members of Congress supported the bill without even having read it

Here is my point.  If you want a Monsanto Protection Act – fine.  But it has to be its own bill about nothing else.  You can’t tack it onto the puppies bill, or the ‘gee, I sure appreciate farmers’ bill.  It is also where money gets sneaked in.  See, the ‘Puppies act’ set aside 2 million for puppy appreciation and awareness.  But, the Monsanto part tacked on sets aside 2 BILLION*  for their own legal defense if they get sued for making poison food.

Of course, the puppy part is hyperbole (another specialty of mine) – but the Monsanto stuff all really happened.

Here is a specific and real example – in 1996 President Clinton signed the Telecommunications Act.  It was mostly good and useful and important stuff.  BUT… Clear Channel snuck in some scary verbiage.  There was a restriction on monopolies of media markets.  Meaning, the same company can’t own all the radio stations and news stations in town.  Guess what, that isn’t the law anymore.  So, Clear Channel could own the CBS, NBC, and ABC affiliate in your town.  Why bother changing channels, then?  Don’t believe me?  Look who owns the radio station you listen to.  They are ALL clear channel.  In Denver, they own

I hope you love Jack Johnson, because Clear Channel sure does… so that is all I have heard on Denver rock stations for the last ten years.  Radio sucks so bad that I busted the antenna on my truck a few years ago accidentally and never bothered to fix it.

For news outlets, there are some givens.  We know Fox is right wing, and MSNBC are lefties.  This is out in the open.  But, with the telecom act of 1996, they are just now unlocking monopoly opportunities in these markets.  It’s scary shit, and you would have NEVER known that in 1996.  They buried it in there, knowing they wouldn’t even touch it for 20 years.

Sound nuts?  it is, and it reaches far beyond radio stations. You can read more about it here, or here, or here.

They put useful stuff in there, too.  So, everyone voted for it.  For example, it used to be cable and satellite companies were not allowed to broadcast local stations.  Where I lived, there was no coverage over the air.  So, even though I was paying $120 a month, I couldn’t watch Seinfeld on TV without switching the antenna and getting those stupid rabbit ears out.  The telecom bill fixed that, and it was great for consumers.

* ok, full disclosure.  I totally made that 2 billion figure up about Monsanto.  I don’t know the real amount they gave themselves.  it’s too cloaked in legalese to ever know.

Jesus, that got a little preachy and out of hand, didn’t it?  I guess I have some issues pent up.  Just be glad Ticketbastard didn’t come up, or we would be here all day!