Friday Fives

What is your favorite hobo name?

Funny story about that.  Let me tell you about and old pal named ‘Lobo’.  He was a good guy who used to ride the rails with his trusty monkey, BJ.  They traveled the country solving crimes, and being good old boys. Oh, and getting harassed by the man. Yes, it’s a story I know too well.  That tramp was me, America.  They based a show on it!

Are you afraid of being attacked by a tiger?

Not at all, because tigers aren’t native to Colorado. In addition, animals love me.  I am serious, it’s creepy.  Nope, don’t worry about that at all.  Mostly I worry about bears, mountain lions, and wombats.  We have discussed this before.

What time do the bull’s come home?

Right about 6:30, if you know what I mean.  In that, work is over at 6 and then I drive home.  I don’t know what this means.  Are you hitting on me?

Do you poke the bee hive or rattle the bird’s nest?

Huh?  Is this ‘blogging with a 90 year old dude sitting in one of those aluminum lawn chairs holding a hose asking kids to get off their lawn?’  More importantly, I am not willing to admit I don’t completely understand this question either.

What is your performance bonus money for your exceptional performance during the recession gonna be spent on?

Knowing me, something for the truck.  If you do not know me, but you seek to… just pretend to be interested in dogs and trucks.  You and I will be ‘besties’* in no time.  Aw, who we kiddin’?  All my cash goes to Scientology.  I am a OT -3, but moving up!

* we are no longer using BFF.  It’s over, America.  I will be handling our lexicon modifications going forward.  Best accept that now.  Sooner you do, the sooner we are besties.

Friday Fives

1.  What would you do if you won a million dollars?

not quit my job, that’s for sure.  Taxes is going to take about half.  You go back to work the next day.   Pay off your car loan.  Pay off my car loan.  Go back to work.

2.  How about 5 million?

we are getting closer to the no workie number, but this isn’t it.  Maybe quit my job and travel for a few months.  Then, find a better job.

3.  How about one hundred million?

Ok, you got me.  I have now quit.  I would take care of any finance stuff, and do so for the family.   Then, I would buy property in Florida.  Why?  Because Florida has this really weird law where you can’t lose your house in a lawsuit.  That is why OJ Simpson moved there.  It was the only place the Goldman family couldn’t touch him with the millions lawsuit they won against him.  So, no matter how things get in 20 years (do the research, winning the lottery is a curse on the people who have won)… I will have a home.

now, after some travel and a few unnecessary purchases like a convertible and a jeep and a new truck for Arne whether he wants it or not… i would like to set up a foundation that does good and work for it full time, like what Bill Gates and Bill Clinton do for a living.

oh, and I would get me one of those fancy touch screen phones.  Oh, and flat screen high def tvs in every room… especially the shitter.  Oh, and in my bathroom, I would have a urinal.  Oh, and I would retrofit a new closet just for me with washer and dryer in it.  No more schlepping up and down two flights of stairs.

You say, but Lono… you could pay people to do your laundry.  I don’t want that.  I just want the laundry machines to be in a practical location.  Oh, you know what else I would do?  I would buy even more weather stations.  I would have one upstairs, and in my truck, and one at my desk at work too.

lastly, guitars.  I am absolutely nuts about guitars.  I am becoming a collector (have ten, currently) and will spend the rest of my life collecting them.  I love to play them, clean them, string them, photograph them, and make sweet sweet love to them.  I mean, look at these photos.  this is art, folks.  Look at Jerry Garcia’s last few guitars (Tiger, and RosebudWolf doesn’t do anything for me), hand made for him.  I would put these up against anything in the Louvre.

4.  how about the babe lottery?  Angelina Jolie or Jenn Aniston?

Jennifer Aniston, no question.  Not even a hesitation.  She is not just incredibly beautiful, but she isn’t a home wrecker.  Jolie also seems crazy, when not breaking up marriages for her flings.  That may have been sexy cool when I was 20, but now I don’t want that drama.  I am happy to report that I am finally over my Madonna crush.  It took a long time, I admit that.

I mean, it’s not like a have a list.  that’s childish, and I am very happily married.  However, if I did (and I so do not).  It might look like this (in no order)

Jennifer Aniston

Laura San Giacomo

Courtney Love (I know she is a psycho douchebag, but she is hot)

Kathy Sabine (local weather personality.  she was at the table next to me once at a red robin and she was more stunning in person.  The wife was not amused.)

Giada from Food network

Jennifer Connelly

5.  really?

yeah. really.

Oh the huge manatee!

This is a classic. I caught this on the news last night. These nice people moved out to a suburb called Highland’s Ranch. You know, it was one of those huge open prairie ranches that was bulldozed to make more suburbs. I ain’t judging, mine is one too. I ain’t complainin’ neither. See, these folks bought themselves a place right on the edge of a ‘preserve’. They didn’t wanna look at houses, oh no. They wanted their only neighbor to be nature.

Cool. Problem is, nature showed up… and they freaked. Yesterday, this couple found mountain lion tracks in the open field (er… reserve) near their home. Yeah, they called the news and wildlife and everybody. Get that thing! Kill that thing! We are very specific about our wildlife demands, and they have to be cute. Turns out Wildlife knew about the mountain lions, and are monitoring them. Get ready for this piece of awesomeness:

The data will determine ways to discourage mountain lions from areas where humans live.

Yes, these mountain lions need to not live where humans live.  Even though the mountain lions haven’t moved.  We build the suburb on and around their habitat.  Being as though I tooam afraid of mountain lions, I am thinking something of the opposite.  Maybe we need to ‘discourage people from living in areas where mountain lions live’?  Do you know why I am so mean and don’t give a hoot about these people’s problems?  Tell you why.  Here is the name of their subdivision, literally:   Wildcat Reserve

Really!  How could this poor family have known they were moving into Mountain Lion territory?  For the safety of the big cats, I think the family should be trapped, tagged, and gently re-located elsewhere.  Then, we can safely monitor them from afar.