What Courtney Love should have said

Jesus, this woman needs a publicist.

I had this idea.  Initially, it was just for this post.  Then, I realized I could get a book or blog or channel off this.  It is called ‘what Courtney Love should have said.  This is about Courtney slamming Grohl and Noveselic playing with Paul McCartney last week.  Unlike everyone else on Earth, Courtney is all butt hurt that they were playing together.  Why?  Because it is for charity, I think.  Which means no money for her.  Or maybe because they didn’t ask her permission.

Before I get to what she did say, which just makes me all dumb and angry, let’s start with what she SHOULD have said upon learning Sir Paul was jamming with the boys.

“Wow, I am honored, excited, and humbled!  I just learned today that Sir Paul McCartney is going to play with the guys from Nirvana.  My God, what an honor.  The Beatles fronting Nirvana?  Holy shit, that is Nirvana.  I’d like to say ‘I’m not worthy’, but I am pretty sure royalties go to Mike Meyers each time someone says it.”  What’s better?  They are getting to together for charity.  Today is the best day I have had in a long time, and I appreciate everyone who has stayed with the band over the years and kept us all relevant.  God Bless!  Courtney”

Of course, this isn’t what she said.  Oh no.  Not even a little.  First, she said she was “not amused“.  What does that even mean?  Then, she slammed Noveselic’s bass playing

Paul better get earmuffs for the bass playing is all, it’s not exactly known for its brilliance

Well, that is just dumb and mean spirited.  Also, it kind of has NOTHING to do with anything.  If you want to be clever, that wasn’t it.  Since we are talking about the Beatles… here is what being clever looks like.  When asked if Ringo was the best drummer in the world, Lennon replied “he isn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles.”  Now that is how you be funny and cutting.  Well, obviously not you.

Then, the closer is this.  After the performance, she drops this gem on top of the motherfucking Beatle who graced her ex husbands’ band.

Uh it was bad

Wow.  Stay classy, Courtney!

* update – they didn’t even play a Nirvana song.  So, Courtney made an ass out of herself for no reason… AND didn’t score any royalties, either.  Also, regarding the quote above… Courtney is a zillionaire, can’t she afford a comma?

Friday Fives

Summer reading list:

1. Do you still read a newspaper regularly?

not at all.  Not even the sunday paper.  I read 9news.com on my cell phone.

2. What about magazines?  Are you a subscriber?

oh yeah, crazy about magazines.  I subscribe to Rolling Stone, Playboy, Popular Mechanics, Consumer Reports, and Guitar Aficionado

3. What is the last book you read?

Lies Chelsea Handler told me.  Enjoying read, as all of her books are.  If you haven’t read a Chelsea book yet, and you seek to start… start with ‘Are you there, Vodka?  It’s me, Chelsea’. Oh, and since you asked, I actually archive my reading list here on the site. Updated monthly, as I burn through a book about once a month

4..My favorite part of magazines are the short stories. Do you have a favorite short story?

absolutely.  My favorite thing about literature is short stories.  I used to write them, too.  I would say ‘Hills like White Elephants’ from Hemingway is very memorable. Lot of subtext in there. Shit gets heavy after you read it a few times.

5.What do you read the most on the web?

news.  Music news, especially.  The best site for music news is NME.com > It is a British site, and they are usually about 24 hours ahead of the American news cycle.  Plus, they are snarky and don’t censor swearing.  I am especially endlessly fascinated with Courtney Love.  She may be the greatest celebrity train wreck in history.  I mean, she is Charlie Sheen crazy… but has been doing it for 20 years.  I mean, try this ten page gem from last weekend.

dead rock star lawyer/assasin

It has occurred to me that dead rock stars need legal representation.  Specifically, they need me.  Why me?  Because I am America’s top rock musicologist, so my intent is pure.  The way things work now, the rights usually go to a widow.  This is a bad idea, because the widows want money.  The widows need money… so they whore out their dead spouses.  Think Yoko, she has turned everything John Lennon ever did into a commercial endeavor.  That isn’t art.  That is greed.  Yoko sucks my ass.  Wanna know why?  She had the chance to buy the rights to the Beatles catalogue years ago.  It was 40 million.  Paul McCartney approached her and offered to split it for 20 million each.  Yoko said no.  That was when Michael Jackson bought the Beatles, and started selling their songs for commercials.  Oh, and by the way, Yoko; that catalogue is now worth somewhere around 500 million.  Jackson already sold off 25% of it a few years later for 100 million.  So, he more than quadrupled his initial investment… and still owns 75%.

His estate still owns the Beatles rights, and his estate is in debt to everyone on Earth.  So, expect the Beatles catalogue to get whored out for everything to pay off Michael’s freaky debts.

Another example is Courtney Love.  Good rock star, but horrible estate executor.  Just horrible.   Specifically, here is what she did.  She found his diaries, and sold them.  Didn’t just sell them, she sold them to some hack magazine… like People.  I can prove, without question, this was deeply against Kurt’s will, and ethos.  When Kurt finally agreed to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone, he made is thoughts quite clear.  He was wearing a shirt that read ‘Corporate Magazines Still Suck’.  That is that picture above.  His message was clear.  All his messages were clear.  His songs, his movement, was about alienation from pop culture.  He felt disconnected and and disenchanted with everything.  It is why he was a good rock star, and it is also why he killed himself.  Really, his diaries being published for all to read is sickening enough.  Selling them to a weekly corporate magazine is just evil.

I would not have allowed this has his dead rock star lawyer.  Oh no.  I would have shot Courtney for her own good.  Who else would I kill as a professional rock star lawyer?  No one, we don’t do that.  Just kidding, I would kill Axl Rose in a heartbeat.  I would have done it 20 years ago.  It is for his own good.  Axl Rose ruined one of the greatest bands in the history of the world, and I will NEVER forgive him for that.  Why didn’t Axl die in a plane crash after Lies was recorded (but before it was released?).   Then, we could spend the rest of our days talking about how great they would have been.  Nope.  He fired every single member of the band (including ALL the songwriters).  Then, took 16 years to release a new album.  Also, it sucks.  Also, he refused to tour or do press.  Oh, and of course he stole the bands name and held it hostage.

Appetite for Destruction is the best rock album ever made.  Read that again, as I realize it is a strong statement.  Well, if I was Axl’s dead rock star lawyer, I would have killed him.  Then, I would have broken up the band for good.  Then, I would have released the sessions for ‘Use your Illusion’ as one decent CD.  I can prove it.  When do all rock stars die?  27.  Axl turned 27 in 1989, two years after ‘Appetite for Destruction’ was released.  Would have been about perfect.  Then, he could have been a 27 rock martyr (like Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Shannon Hoon, Brad Nowell, Kurt Cobain).  Guess who else turns 27 this year?  Amy Winehouse.  Aren’t we about done with her?

Who else?  Did you know that the Doors made two more records after Morrison died?  Yeah, big mistake.  I mean, I know he was a suicidal douche and all… but still.

Now, not all decisions made a poor.  Generally, I am pretty pleased with how the Grateful Dead have handled things since Jerry died.

So, really, I guess I am the dead rock star lawyer and part time assassin for their own good.  Oh, and I would have offed that Jason Mraz punk about 30 cutesy songs ago.

Friday Fives

1. This week, in 1881, the American Red Cross was founded by Clara Barton.  The Red Cross provides aide to people and communities in times of need.  Describe a time when you helped someone. (first aid use is optional.)

well, that is easy.  I volunteer for both the Denver Red Cross and the Dumb Friends league (Denver’s humane society).  For the former, I do disaster services and presentations, and for the latter I am the maintenance guy.  So, I am covered there.

2.  Go to  Wikipedia, what pops up when you click the Random Article link?  Upon reading it, any thoughts come to mind?

I got an article on ‘Bryaxis‘.  This was a dude who was a greek sculptor in 350 AD.  While known as a great talent in his time, we later learned just recently he cribbed all his moves from Frank Lloyd Wright.  Bummer, total hack, that Bryaxis.

3.  Speaking of  random, we do this about every six months or so.  What are the first five random songs that pop up on your MP3 player?

Awlful – Hole (Celebrity Skin)

Though I find Courtney Love an abhorrent human, this CD is amazing.  Five stars.  Plus, I admit, I have the hots for her.  Don’t act like you don’t, elitist.  Of course, Billy Corgan wrote half the CD, so maybe that is why I love it so much.

In the Jailhouse now – Soggy Bottom Boys (Oh Brother soundtrack)

just a great CD all around.  Regardless of the movie, it stands alone as some great folk and mountain music.  A few years ago, we got to see Dan Timmons play.  He is the voice of the Soggy Bottom Boys (and so singer of Man of Constant Sorrow).

Ring of Fire – DJ Brian

I can’t speak to this version of the Cash classic.  The reason is, for my birthday, Roy (author of these here said questions) gave me a DVD loaded with about 50 versions of Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’.  This then, is one of them.

Hello in There – John Prine (Session at West 54th)

John Prine absolutely rules.  I just discovered him a few years ago, also thanks to Roy.  One of my favorite songwriters, who you may not have heard of.  This disc is one of my favorites.  Incidentally, I am going to see Prine this summer at Red Rocks.  Pretty stoked about that.

Something – Beatles (Abbey Road)

George Harrison finally gets some airtime.  For almost all the Beatles records, there are almost no George tunes.  The only track he got was ‘Taxman’.  Later, the really set him free.  We got ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps’, ‘Here Comes the Sun’, ‘Something’ and some other gems.  Not tough to see how that happened though.  it can’t be easy pitching a song to Lennon/ McCartney.  George absolutely remains my favorite Beatle.

ok, there you go. The iPod was on full song random, and we pulled from 4552 songs.
4.  Saturday is “Penny Day.” Many people believe that if you find a penny face up, it might be lucky and you should pick it up. They also believe if you find a penny face down, you should leave it on the ground. What are your thoughts? Do you think there is such a thing as a “lucky penny?”


Frankly, I am beat from the barrage of questions above.  It became the ‘Friday Tens’, which I haven’t seen any of you guys pony up for.  Plus, that question is boring.  I will say this, you make your own luck.  Ponder that.

5.  Wednesday is Roy’s Birthday.  What is up with that?

well, I reckon this fella ‘Roy’ you speak of will head out and have a beer or two.

Friday Fives

Very Random Lot   (Be creative because this week, the questions are
all over the place.)

1.  Please list your last five employers (taken from an online job
application.):

Debbie, Mitch, Harvey, John, Julia.  Side note, I just found out yesterday I am keeping my job.  In the old days, we would have meetings if we were losing our jobs.  These days, things are so bad, we had to have a meeting to let everyone know they were keeping their jobs.  I am thankful, and not complaining.

2.  Do you prefer a window or aisle seat (taken from an online travel
agency questionnaire)?

Aisle seat, every time.  Am like a kid when I fly… must see the view.  Also, I always listen to U2’s ‘City of Blinding Lights’ when I am in the air.  at no other time do I listen to this song.

3.  How many people are on the wait list? (taken from the University
of Iowa Admissions FAQ)?

3

4. How do you cope with the logistics of having multiple babies and is
the pressure always so relentless?  (Found on a blog of friday
questions but reminds my of Octa-mom.)

two words for you:  nannies!

5. Please list in detail all the times you worked with Carl J. Kipper
in any capacity, when, where and why. (Found in s a deposition filed
by the City Council fo Hartford, CT)

Carl is a decent person and a hard worker.  Carl is often misunderstood and mis-represented.  Because of his ‘intense’ personality and work ethic, Carl can be perceived as difficult or stand off-ish (Terry’s term).  Carl is an important member of the team, and we want him to succed.

However, when Carl throw the fish at his co-workers, it breed contempt.  Carl is working hard on his behaviors, and is enrolled in pilates.  Problem is, Carl is a loser.  A big fat fucking fish throwing loser.  Carl continues to keep a positive attitude toward coaching, though.  We expect things to improve with Carl in the second quarter.  Carl needs to know that further fish throwing or pencil smoking will result in further corrective action up to and including termination.

 

* bitchin’ postscript > I have really cool reporting on the back end of this website.  I can see the actual words people use to search that has had them accidentally land here.  Know what they are this month?

gyros,  road construction,  roy horn,  courtney love,  tiger

Apparently, America is quite taken with these subjects.  Since I don’t do celebrity gossip, this is as close I will likely get to pandering.  I think I will add them to the tags, too.