Friday Fives – basking in celebrity goodness edition

bono and i

What was your last interaction with a famous person?

Well, we have to mention my run in with Bono… even though it technically doesn’t count.  So, let’s start there.  I was in San Fran a fall or two ago for a very very big business conference (Dreamforce) and they had bought up the whole town.  Huey Lewis literally played right in the middle of the street they shut down.  Sean Penn was there to get into fights with hotel patrons, and they bought up the baseball stadium to have Green Day come and play for everyone for free.

As I was walking through one of the big conference thingies, I spotted Bono.  Not someone who looks like Bono, mind you, but motherfuckin Bono his goddamn self.  I love U2, and I love Bono.  Bono gets too much shit for being overexposed… and he IS… but he uses that literally to solve the world’s problems. I have seen them a lot, and I think they may be the best rock back in production right now. Not saying they are my favorite band, or that I saw them on their last tour.  BUT…if someone comes to America and wants to know what a big production of a great rock and roll band us… you give them U2.  Given that I was rubbin’ uglies with Huey Lewis, Billie Joe, and Sean Penn… it was not too much of a stretch to think I was within the same breathing air as his Bono-ness.

Shit, I already told this story, didn’t I?

Spoiler, it wasn’t Bono.  It was Pavel.  Pavel, btw, is a good dude.  I have corresponded with him.  I posted this anecdote on Facebook and my buddy Eddie had the greatest comment.  He said “you met the Pavel?  In person?  That is huge, and everyone knows ‘Bono’ is just a big Pavel impersonator!”

So… we can’t count that one, can we?  How about Dave Barry?  Up for a Dave Barry story?  We chatted about dogs, and he was thrilled I had not only a ‘regular dog’, but a ‘small emergency back up dog’ as well.  We were taking selfies and he looked at my blackberry (so yeah… that kinda dates me.  Maybe this was about ten years ago?) to see our pictures.  My wallpaper was my doggies, so we talked about that.  Am I boring you?  Why don’t you tell me your Dave Barry story?  Exactly.  I am CERTAINLY not telling you my Johnny Depp story.  Not with that attitude.  After I am done not telling you my Depp story, you will next NOT get to hear about hanging out with Ralph Steadman.

  • was that boring to you?  Did you want to tell your Dave Barry story?  How about your Johnny Depp story?  Do you have one?  Well, I do… and I ain’t sharing it now!

You know that girl in your elementary school class that was really obsessed with horses? What is she doing with her life now?

She married me, and we have horses.  It’s much less romantic than they showed in movies.  Our horses have saved exactly ZERO children almost swept away by ravaging flood waters.

What is the most pretentious hobby?

Playing guitar in a rock band?  Is that pretentious?  Or, maybe just sad and middle agey?  hmm. what else do I do?  Oooh, I like to collect aged books.  I would almost just a rather carefully thumb through a 125 year old first edition hard back than look at boobs.  ALMOST.

One day I will tell you the good story of the book I found at goodwill for a $1.  It was called ‘Presidents I Have Known’  How is that for pretentious?  Anyhow, I bought it because it was beautiful.  The book, I mean.  It was a well worn, a hard back, and  a first edition.  Plus, with a title that pompous… I simply had to have it.  This is book porn… especially for 25 cents!  THEN… I get it home and it is inscribed by some dude wishing some dude the best.  For shits and giggles (my fish) I googled the name.  The guy whom is it inscribed to was the wealthiest and most important guy in America at the time.  I wish I remember the name, but I don’t… and I ain’t at home.  And the guy who hand wrote the beautiful inscription was the author his damn self!

I guess you can scratch that ‘one day’ part above, since I mostly just told you that story.

Wait… are you asking my most pretentious hobby?  Or, just in general.  Guess what?  This questions is over now.  SHELVED for being unspecific.

… ok, I thought of something.  The most pretentious thing I can think of is being the prevost of a polo mallet museum.  Really, prevost of anything would do the trick.

What is your favorite debunked conspiracy

Hasn’t even conspiracy been debunked?  In fact, is that not the definition of ‘conspiracy’.  I would have to go with the moon landing.  People not only don’t believe we went there, but they are SUPER vested in their opinion.  At the end of the day, who cares?  Let’s say the govt did lie about the whole moon landing?  How EXACTLY does that impact your day to day life?  Even if the govt copped to it, and even apologized… would you get cheaper gas?  Or a month off rent?  Or a couple days off of work?  No.  So get over it.

I should note I can not write off all conspiracies as the work of loonies with too much spare time.  I am still actively wondering what the hell happened with the Kennedy assassination.  Like most Americans, I am settled about this much  – I am not sure what happened, but I am about 90% confident that the version they fed us as the truth is NOT what happened.  Even went to Dallas to see Dealey Plaza.  That was awesome, and you should go!

I guess what we can take away is if you believe in govt conspiracies you are a sad little man… UNLESS… you believe in the same ones I do.

What is your favorite random Wikipedia article?

Well, if it were my favorite, wouldn’t it not be random? This feels like entrapment.  This question is SHELVED for editorial negotiation!

Friday Fives – He’s a Juicy Fire!

A mondegreen is a mis-heard lyric. What is your favorite misheard lyric? 

A boy, I got a good one. I recently bought the remastered box set of U2’s ‘Unforgettable Fire’. It is such an amazing album, and is mixed so poorly, I had great hopes. In the HUGE hit song ‘Pride in the name of Love’, in the first verse there is a sentence that goes ‘one comes here to justify’. I never knew that lyric until I got the box set last week. In the original CD, they only print the lyrics to one song, which is the first song.

Now, I was always pretty sure what I was hearing was incorrect, but listen to the song. Right now. Here, I will embed if for you. Now, go to that first verse. The exact moment is 57 seconds. I always heard ‘one man come, he a juicy fire’. Go ahead, sing that with that line. He a juicy fire. That isn’t the heart of this story.  Not anymore. Don’t worry, this story gets WAY worse.

As with all things, I was discussing this with my pal Jamie. I asked him what he heard. This is no lie. He said “I always thought he was saying ‘one man come, he set Jews on fire…’. Wow. That is brilliant, and fucked up. Obviously, it’s not brilliant to set jews on fire. It’s brilliant that that is what Jamie thought all these years, and gleefully sang along. Kinda puts my ‘juicy fire’ into perspective, doesn’t it?

A spoonerism is a deliberate (or accidental ) error in speech or words. Do you have a favorite? 

I found this to be too kitschy to interest me. So, how about another mondegreen. In ‘Every Breath you Take’ from the Police. There is a line that says ‘how my poor heart aches’. Makes sense. That is not what I heard, and I listened to this song thousands of times. This album was incredibly influential for me. Really, it changed my life more than any other album. I was such a fan of this record that my brother took me to see the Police live. It was on this tour, Synchronicity. It was their farewell tour, and they were firing on all cylinders. It was incredible. I knew that night that rock and roll was all I ever wanted. It’s what I wanted to do, to think about, to talk about, to be my job, to be my nights and weekends… all from that Police show. I was 10, I think.

FOCUS, man! What I heard was ‘how my pool hall aches’. Go ahead, watch. Its at the 50 second mark. Tell me he is not saying ‘how my pool hall aches’.


A malapropism is an incorrect word in place of another.  Can you remember one used?

This one also does not interest me. It’s strange, I am a word guy. I am super passionate about words. I got a degree in literature, that is how much I love words. Yet, I am not inspired. I think it’s because I need to just get to bed.

So, how about this? The funniest mondegreen of all time comes from Dave Barry. There was a classic great soul song called ‘ain’t no woman like the one I got’ Makes sense. Touching, and sweet. What Dave Barry brings us is this – Ain’t no woman like the one eyed Gott’.

Lastly, no conversation about mondegreens can be complete without this. My favorite band, and someone trying to figure out just exactly what the hell Eddie is singing.  In fact, there is not even an official studio version of this.  The recording we all know was done on the fly at a radio station that Ed and Mike were visiting.  Mike brought an acoustic and they knocked out two songs that day.  Both were largely improvised on the spot.  The other song was Bee Girl.

To be fair, this song never had official lyrics, and I am about 90% confident that he changes the words night to night a bit to fit his mood.

An earworm  is a snippet of catchy tune that gets stuck in your head. Do you have a common one? 

Goodwill Halloween, goodwill Halloween, goodwill halloween

Btw, I… and I alone, have pioneered a way to fix them. It will sound dumb and obvious… but it works. Your mind needs closure when this is happening. To fix the earworm, you need to listen to the song in its entirety. I have had to actually reach over to my phone in the middle of the night and download a song online and listen to it with headphones while wifey is sleeping to get closure. It works.

The Tetris effect occurs when so much time and attention is devoted to an activity it affects other parts of your life.  Do you do this? 

Really? I disagree. For me, the tetris effect is all about organization. It could be packing the back of a moving van with everything you own. Every spot counts. It could be about time management… trying to fit in all the shit you need to fit into your day. My wife is the master of tetris in real life. Need stuff packed? You just sit back, keep your hands and feet away, and watch the art.

Friday Fives – quotes and flying and counterfeit knock off edition

 

1.  What’s something you’re pretty sure has only happened to you?

that is the most interesting question we may have ever had here.  I can’t think of an equally impressive answer, though.  How about a conversation with the great Dave Barry.  He was looking at a picture of my dogs on my cell phone (we were taking selfies together) and he said “Ah, I see you have two dogs.  The dog you like, and a small back up emergency dog.”  That was pretty great.

2.  What is one of your favorite quotes?

oh, this I could do all day, being a lit guy.  We have to narrow this down, or I could spend all day firing quotes.  So, let’s limit it to dogs.  I’ll narrow it down to two.

“if there are no dogs in heaven, when I die, I want to go where they went” – Will Rogers

“Liberals treat dogs like people.  Conservatives treat people like dogs” – unknown, seen on a beer cooler

3.  What are some interesting things most people wouldn’t know about [hit the random article in wikipedia and please share the first sentence? 

Our Lady of the Rockies is a 90-foot (27 m) statue, dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, that sits atop the Continental Divide overlooking Butte, Montana. It is the second tallest statue in the United States after The Statue of Liberty.

Oh, this?  Well, it isn’t exactly common knowledge, but she is constructed entirely of bubble gum.  True story.  Also, and you will have to look closely for this; she was modeled after Anne Hathaway.  Listen, I couldn’t make this stuff up.  You can’t get published on the internet withe about rigorous fact checking.  It’s why I am so much better than you.  If they just let anyone throw shit up on the web, even you would have a web site.

4.  What knock off is better than the real thing?

NOT saran warp. I know that much.  NEVER go generic with Saran Wrap.  ever.  seriously.  I know that isn’t really answering the question.  Maybe I’ll come back to this.

5.  What did you knock until you tried it?

almost everything.  I am not as open minded as I should be, about anything.  Do you know how epoxies work?  There is always two ingredients.  The stuff (or… goop if you want to be technical) and the other part is a catalyst.  The catalyst, as the word implies, makes all the magic happen.  They are kept in separate tubes, and when you add them together, it hardens.  Stay with me here.  I know we are out on a limb tangentially.

Somewhere around my early 20’s, that catalyst was poured and I hardened.  Most of the music, people, books, etc that I prefer haven’t really changed in 20 years.  Musically, I am still listening to the same stuff, for the most part.  Metallica, Grateful Dead, Bob Dylan, and Pearl Jam.  Rise and repeat.

Ok, I was stalling, I admit it.  I just thought of something; flying across the ocean.  The first time I flew to Europe, I was a little freaked out.  Now, I LOVE to fly.  But… flying across the ocean at 700 mph did not excite me.  There is no place for an emergency landing.  Plus, spending 8 hours locked into a small metal tube seemed daunting.  THEN… they tell you about the ‘water landings’… as in ‘in the event of a water landing… bla bla bla’.  If you hit the ice Atlantic ocean at 700 mph… that isn’t so much a ‘landing’.

BUT… it was an amazing flight.  We took British Air.  They are as impressive and sweet and helpful in the air as they are as difficult and cunty* the ground.  Never once had a good experience with their customer service.  In the air, though, they were the bomb!  They gave everyone on the plane a little goody bag as we taxied.  Headphones, and nice ones at that.  Plus, slipper-socks, a pillow, a sleeping eye cover mask thingy, and some wet wipes.  Also, they fed us great food.  I had a curry chicken salad that changed my life.  And… on the 777, you each get your own tv in front of you.  They had tons of great movies, and all new releases.  The movies we watched weren’t even out on video yet.

* I can say ‘cunty’ here because we are talking about the Brits.  That word is throw easily around over there.  It has nowhere near the impact there that it does here.  Here, I don’t say the word, ever.  Not even alone.  It’s like the ‘n’ word.  You just don’t use it… ever.

Friday Fives – passwords and pirates

 

1.  If you were a pirate what would be the name of your pirate ship?

the Assman

2.  Now that we are supposed to change our passwords, what are you changing yours to?

omg, this 12 letter protocol is KILLING me.  Obviously, for reasons of corporate security and Sarbanes Oxley…. I can only give you a hint.  It looks like this “12 letters?  then special characters?  What the fuck?  Maybe if the NSA tried this we wouldn’t have lost EVERY secret this country to a guy who a flash drive”.  that may be more than 12 letters, but you get idea ****

3.  What thing “just ain’t the same anymore?”

TV.  I am kinda sad we have lost the commonalities.  Like, everyone over 40 knows different strokes.  Why?   Because with only 3 channels we had NO choice.  Same with music.  We all knew the same songs because had NO choice.

4.  What is something that you’re embarrassingly bad at?

singing

5.  What is your best potential band name?

no comment.  I accidentally named my own band name, and then it got voted in while I was gone.  The great Dave Barry has a great bit on this, and has been doing it for 30 or 40 years.  Listen, there is a pretty funny story behind the whole thing.  I won’t go into it now, but ask me over a beer or camping and I’ll tell the tale.

**** can we talk about this for a second?  This isn’t about whether or not I am pro Snowden or not.  This isn’t about if he is a villain or a hero.  This is about a contractor stole everything the govt has and put it on a flash drive.  What kind of security is running the earth, here?  I can’t even copy a picture at work onto my personal flash drive at work because of encryption.  But, if you want you to know where every hidden missile silo is in America… or what dictators we kill…. just let in a contractor with a flash drive.  Why the fuck do we have contractors handling America’s most sensitive information?  Why isn’t it encrypted?  Why do we have flash drives on our govt computers?  Did you know, for example that govt employees can’t have cell phones with cameras on them?  Lastly, how was this guy not strip searched like 30 times before leaving?  Listen, when I worked at Jack in the Box 30 years ago we had to be searched by the manager every night before we left.  But… I guess if you are the NSA…. here… go ahead and carry about these pizza boxes that sure look like a lot of laptops.

Friday Fives

If you could interview any person, who would it be?

Mark Gastineau, to ask him why he dropped out of football to support Bridgitte Nielson.  That was, like, 6 husbands ago for her and she has rebounded fine.  Mark?  Still waiting for a call back on that nikey shoe offer from 1982.

Also curios as to how he feels about her boning Flavor Flave.  Remember the AIDS rule of thumb?  It was:  when you have sex with someone, you are having sex with everyone they ever had sex with.  Well, Mark.  You just porked Flavor Flave.

Who is the greatest person in the world.

nelson mandela

Do you have any recent brushes with greatness?

dave barry, who admired that I also kept a small emergency back up dog.

Do you pay attention to the celebrity gossip? Online or on television?

I wish I could tell you I was above that stuff, but I am not.  I have TMZ on my phone, and occasionally read a National Enquirer in the tub.  That shit is real, yo.  They couldn’t publish it if it were not true… just like putting something on the internet.

See, these are good before I go to bed.  Know what I NEVER watch?  The evening news.  It is depressing.  Just people shooting each other.  Totally fucked up world. I watch the morning news every day.  It is light and fluffy.  Just traffic and weather and that cupcake lady that every city has.

5. If you could be any celebrity who would you be? Why?

Me, but rich.  To paraphrase the great Rev Jim Ignatowski… “that way, I wouldn’t have to buy new clothes.”

Friday Fives

show me the funny

1.    If I were to poll others, what would they say is the funniest thing you have ever done?

I don’t care for that question at all.  It would involve something compromising of my integrity and legend.  Like, some would say, the time I got kicked out a a Vegas casino for calling the rent a cops ‘white slavers for the man’.  Not a wise choice, and certainly not racially motivated (they were white and I am white)… just me being a drunk jackass.


2.     like comedy?  Who is your favorite comedian?  Why?

love comedy.  have lots of favorites, and they change almost annually.  I would have to say the one that stays at the top of the list is Brian Regan.  He is always funny.  His material is timeless, and he works clean.

3.     favorite funny writer

dave barry.  This decision is not biased by the fact that he and I are close personal friends… or ‘besties’.  This evidenced by a crappy photo taken of he and I at a book signing (his, not mine) last fall from my blackberry.

IMG00179

4.     favorite funny movie

toss up between Fish Called Wanda and Princess Bride.  If I had to choose, it would be Princess Bride.  I own three copies on DVD (different editions) whereas with Wanda, I have only two.  Also, I just put Princess Bride on my iPod.  Not to watch.  I listen to it while I drive and recite the dialogue.  I am a sad little man.

5.     what’s so funny?

well, some would say what’s happening right now.  I think we have a skunk in the garage.  I am about 60% sure of this.  So, I threw my cat and dog in there to ferret him out.  This did not work, and all animals are returned unharmed.  I feel kinda let down.  Am still convinced there is a skunk in there.  Think I have to go out myself and do my husbandly duties and broomstick the bastard.  crap!