Friday Fives – passwords and pirates


1.  If you were a pirate what would be the name of your pirate ship?

the Assman

2.  Now that we are supposed to change our passwords, what are you changing yours to?

omg, this 12 letter protocol is KILLING me.  Obviously, for reasons of corporate security and Sarbanes Oxley…. I can only give you a hint.  It looks like this “12 letters?  then special characters?  What the fuck?  Maybe if the NSA tried this we wouldn’t have lost EVERY secret this country to a guy who a flash drive”.  that may be more than 12 letters, but you get idea ****

3.  What thing “just ain’t the same anymore?”

TV.  I am kinda sad we have lost the commonalities.  Like, everyone over 40 knows different strokes.  Why?   Because with only 3 channels we had NO choice.  Same with music.  We all knew the same songs because had NO choice.

4.  What is something that you’re embarrassingly bad at?


5.  What is your best potential band name?

no comment.  I accidentally named my own band name, and then it got voted in while I was gone.  The great Dave Barry has a great bit on this, and has been doing it for 30 or 40 years.  Listen, there is a pretty funny story behind the whole thing.  I won’t go into it now, but ask me over a beer or camping and I’ll tell the tale.

**** can we talk about this for a second?  This isn’t about whether or not I am pro Snowden or not.  This isn’t about if he is a villain or a hero.  This is about a contractor stole everything the govt has and put it on a flash drive.  What kind of security is running the earth, here?  I can’t even copy a picture at work onto my personal flash drive at work because of encryption.  But, if you want you to know where every hidden missile silo is in America… or what dictators we kill…. just let in a contractor with a flash drive.  Why the fuck do we have contractors handling America’s most sensitive information?  Why isn’t it encrypted?  Why do we have flash drives on our govt computers?  Did you know, for example that govt employees can’t have cell phones with cameras on them?  Lastly, how was this guy not strip searched like 30 times before leaving?  Listen, when I worked at Jack in the Box 30 years ago we had to be searched by the manager every night before we left.  But… I guess if you are the NSA…. here… go ahead and carry about these pizza boxes that sure look like a lot of laptops.

Friday Fives

If you could interview any person, who would it be?

Mark Gastineau, to ask him why he dropped out of football to support Bridgitte Nielson.  That was, like, 6 husbands ago for her and she has rebounded fine.  Mark?  Still waiting for a call back on that nikey shoe offer from 1982.

Also curios as to how he feels about her boning Flavor Flave.  Remember the AIDS rule of thumb?  It was:  when you have sex with someone, you are having sex with everyone they ever had sex with.  Well, Mark.  You just porked Flavor Flave.

Who is the greatest person in the world.

nelson mandela

Do you have any recent brushes with greatness?

dave barry, who admired that I also kept a small emergency back up dog.

Do you pay attention to the celebrity gossip? Online or on television?

I wish I could tell you I was above that stuff, but I am not.  I have TMZ on my phone, and occasionally read a National Enquirer in the tub.  That shit is real, yo.  They couldn’t publish it if it were not true… just like putting something on the internet.

See, these are good before I go to bed.  Know what I NEVER watch?  The evening news.  It is depressing.  Just people shooting each other.  Totally fucked up world. I watch the morning news every day.  It is light and fluffy.  Just traffic and weather and that cupcake lady that every city has.

5. If you could be any celebrity who would you be? Why?

Me, but rich.  To paraphrase the great Rev Jim Ignatowski… “that way, I wouldn’t have to buy new clothes.”

Friday Fives

show me the funny

1.    If I were to poll others, what would they say is the funniest thing you have ever done?

I don’t care for that question at all.  It would involve something compromising of my integrity and legend.  Like, some would say, the time I got kicked out a a Vegas casino for calling the rent a cops ‘white slavers for the man’.  Not a wise choice, and certainly not racially motivated (they were white and I am white)… just me being a drunk jackass.

2.     like comedy?  Who is your favorite comedian?  Why?

love comedy.  have lots of favorites, and they change almost annually.  I would have to say the one that stays at the top of the list is Brian Regan.  He is always funny.  His material is timeless, and he works clean.

3.     favorite funny writer

dave barry.  This decision is not biased by the fact that he and I are close personal friends… or ‘besties’.  This evidenced by a crappy photo taken of he and I at a book signing (his, not mine) last fall from my blackberry.


4.     favorite funny movie

toss up between Fish Called Wanda and Princess Bride.  If I had to choose, it would be Princess Bride.  I own three copies on DVD (different editions) whereas with Wanda, I have only two.  Also, I just put Princess Bride on my iPod.  Not to watch.  I listen to it while I drive and recite the dialogue.  I am a sad little man.

5.     what’s so funny?

well, some would say what’s happening right now.  I think we have a skunk in the garage.  I am about 60% sure of this.  So, I threw my cat and dog in there to ferret him out.  This did not work, and all animals are returned unharmed.  I feel kinda let down.  Am still convinced there is a skunk in there.  Think I have to go out myself and do my husbandly duties and broomstick the bastard.  crap!