Friday Fives – the ocean is coming to kill you

Coloring antistress book. Predatory shark is drawn by hand with ink

What’s the creepiest thing you could softly whisper to a stranger who’s alone in an elevator with you?

Lemme to you one better, and this is a true story.   Long ago in college (early 90s), I was in a sociology class.  They asked us to do a multi-media presentation.  I wanted to make a film.  This was before go pros and cell phones.  Back then, a simple camera cost about $35K and weighed about 45 pounds with batteries and cables and all that crap.


This camera rocked.  It took no batteries, it was a hand crank.  AND… it could to both film and stop motion (think gumby, and all other Claymation).  It was my brothers.  For my sociology project, I took in elevators and filmed people.  Keep in mind, I am a long hair.  To play the part, I dressed in all black with black turtle neck and beret (not a comfy outfit for Phx, AZ in the summer).  I would just hang out in elevators.  As people boarded, I would start filming them.  People did NOT care for this, understandably.

When they had the courage to ask me what I was doing, I would say “oh, sorry.  This must look weird.  Know how all elevators have security cameras in the ceilings?  Well, ours is busted.  So, my boss asked me to come down and cover for a few hours.”  People no likey, and generally would walk out.  That was fun.

I did not have that, but I did have a super 8 crappy little hand wound camera.  It was SO cool.  Most folks would just walk out of the elevator and wait for another one.  I probably would have, too.  At the time, I thought it was wicked clever, but in retrospect feels kinda dickish.  Note, because this was 25 years ago, maybe it was psychology class.  I don’t remember. I took lots of both.

Side note, psychology RULES.  People think you study it to be a psychologist.  I never wanted that.  No sir.  Psychology is used in every single interaction you have with every human being.  It is endlessly fascinating.

 You’re a burglar but instead of stealing things you do things that mildly inconvenience your victims. What is your crime?

Small odd things.   Re-arrange dishes.  Move furniture just a little bit.  Put all the spoons on the couch.   Set the TV so when someone turns it on it is REALLY loud.  The kind of things couple argue about.  The kind of things where one spouse says to the other “so you are telling me that someone broke into our house just to rearrange spoons and dishes and then left without stealing anything?”

And maybe, if I know there are no kids in the house… put a p0rn video in the DVD player and leave tons of Kleenex all over the place

When the apocalypse comes what will you horde to use as currency

 My Netflix and Amazon Prime passwords.   Aw, who am I kidding.  Everyone I know is using them anyway.

Which is the most interesting fact you know about the human body?

I am convinced a really good poo releases serious endorphins.  Why congress hasn’t allocated millions to study this, I don’t know.

 What’s the creepiest thing that has been found underwater?

 No idea, and here is why.  After watching the amazing Planet Earth docuseries about under water… I am afraid to even take a bath.  EVERYTHING down there is trying to kill you.  And they are re-evolutionizing, too.  The Snake Head Fish can crawl out water and walk on land to another body of water.  And has big teeth.  UPDATE… it can also climb fucking trees.   That’s it.  I am moving into my bathtub, DRY, locking the doors, and never coming out.


Remember the old SNL bit ‘Landshark‘?  It was a walking shark who would trick his way into your home and eat you?  Yeah, that shit is real now.  and it is called the Snakehead Fish

Don’t worry, there are a ton of animals who do stuff like this.  we did, too.  It’s evolution.  Just know that evolution isn’t an old timey textbook thing that freaks out Christians.  Evolution and natural selection… all that stuff is still happening.

Wanna for a swim?  Shit, I ain’t even going out in the rain.   To be fair, I grew up in the desert… so my knowledge of marine life is limited to horror movies and sharknado featurettes.

Interesting side note.  Planet Earth (which is amazing, get it now.  It’s working getting a 4K tv just for that, is a BBC production.  The only difference between the brit version and the American version is they swapped narrators.  The original has the great David Attenborough. In America, his voice overs were replaced by Zuul.  Like she can be trusted.


*** Man, this one sure took a turn for the weird.  Weren’t we just talking about zany antics in elevators with cameras?


Friday Fives – the childish edition



What’s something everyone knows but no one wants to admit?

Climate change is VERY real. Now, you are argue if it is caused by man or not, but it IS happening. Even Dick Cheney AND GW Bush have acknowledged it is happening.

 What is something that most people think they can do, when in reality they cant?

Sing. Trust me, no one is more afflicted with both of the above than me… and I am a semi working musician!

 What’s the most childish thing you still do?

Take baths, at least once a week. Wait… kids hate baths, right? Ok, shit myself 3 to 4 times a day. No? Cry myself to sleep? Hmm, don’t really do that either? How about this; look to my mom like some kind of magical demi god.

 What’s the most childish thing you still do?

 You already asked this? Are you drunk? Jesus, who writes this drivel?

 You have been tasked with improving the human body. You can only make one change. What is it going to be?

 Easy > knees! I have had both my knees surgered, and I am seriously convinced that the knees have not caught up with evolution. Look at the design, it’s a fail waiting to happen. Basically, I think the knees are mostly designed for us to be crawling. We haven’t been standing all that long, evolutionarily speaking. WORSE? Sitting! How many humans SAT for a living before computers? The answer is exactly 6. How many how, with computers and cubicles? ALL of them. Our knees are WAY far from catching up with that, not to mention our hips and backs.

 So, what do we do about it? We sue ‘Big Chair’ and the ‘Big Chair’ lobby. Tyrants, all of them!