Friday Fives – that was weird, wasn’t it?

Kermit's art 2015What moment made you think “fuck, I am weird!”?

Gosh, I don’t know. I am left handed, so that was a big part of it for two reasons. One is, my mind is wired differently. So, I have a pretty unique perspective on things. Second, everything in the physical world is fucked up and working against you. You don’t fit in school desks, you can’t write in a binder, scissors don’t work. The world is a cruel place for a left handed kid. I was literally born to be anti-establishment.

It has been said by many that everything in Australia is designed to kill you.  The weather, the plants, and animals.  As Mike Rowe put it “just a horrible place waiting to kill you”.   That is life as a left handed dude.

 The next big piece of my education of weirdness was art, through Kermit. Kermit was a close childhood buddy who was into all the cool shit. In high school, he turned me on to: Beatles White Album, Hunter s Thompson, Henry Miller, MC Escher, and Salvador Dali.  He even turned me on to the graphic novelGregory‘. He was the skeleton key to my awakening away from the square world. He was also, not surprisingly, an amazing artist. See that painting up there? He did that. Sorry it’s not a better quality replication. I just used my cell phone. Think that one is nice? Mikey D has one that blows this out of the water!

If there was a king of all the weirdos, who might it be?

I gotta go with Salvador Dali.  He was weird, sure.  Many folks are.  However, he made it a living.  It wasn’t just who he was, but the who he was to all outside appearances.  I can’t think of anyone who was so successful and tickled about their weirdness than Dali.  Well, maybe Andy Warhol… but he didn’t make anything lasting.  He was more John Waters weird (as a marketing angle) than fruit loops.  Dali was fruit loops, baby.

I mean… just look at this photo.  This is a real photo.  There are no tricks, illusions, or photo manipulation.  They this photo took dozens of hours to get the right shot.

The difference between Dali and a madman is that Dali is not mad – S Dali.

What’s the smallest thing that seems to piss you off that no else gets bothered by?

Well, I have talked about the turn signal thing. No sense rehashing that one. Another thing that drives me super nuts is watching people vote actively against their own interests. I would argue no state (well, besides Louisiana) has been more impacted by climate change than Kansas. We used to get our hay from Kansas. It has been SO dry there that now all the hay comes all the way from Canada. Yet… Kansas votes super Republican at all times… even though the GOP denies climate change. Plus, the senators from Kansas and Oklahoma are both working extremely hard to eliminate FEMA. Yet, those two states draw more from FEMA than all other states (almost combined).

It’s the tornadoes. So, this state really really really needs FEMA. Because of climate change, Kansas (and OK) have record tornado years… ever year.  Each year it only gets worse, and climatologists say this will continue.  Yet… these folks vote GOP literally at their own peril. It is so sociologically impossible to understand that it has spawned a movement. It’s called ‘what’s the matter with Kansas’. It is a study (and then a book, and then a movie) as to why Kansas folk aggressively shoot themselves in the foot by voting GOP. Short answer, (and I am dead serious)… it is because of the gays. That is why they all vote Republican. They are afraid of gays. Seriously, watch the documentary.

The state, as we all know, depends on agriculture for everything. They are losing the corn. They can’t make enough hay anymore. That isn’t liberal propaganda. Our hay guy is as right wing as you would guess a hay guy is. It KILLS him to drive all the to Canada for hay to sell in Colorado. It won’t get better, either.

Colorado briefly suffered with this. In the Northern Plains is a town called Greeley. The area around this is VERY heavily dependent on water for agriculture. They had a Congresslady named Marilyn Musgrave. Her one and only concern was stopping the gays. From what? We don’t know, but she was going to stop them.

She let her district languish over and over again. She could have been getting water protection passed, bail out money, protections from farmers against bad crop loans. She did not of that. NOTHING. It took a few election cycles, but the good folks of Greeley finally realized keeping jobs and houses was more important that whether or not there was gays next door. Musgrave never did figure that out, and got bounced. She spent every ounce of political capital and resources to fight gay issues.

       So, that drives me crazy.

What is a common phrase that you absolutely hate hearing?

 “It is what it is.” I get it, and I have had to say it. Sadly, it just means ‘fuck it. Why bother? Why even try?

What’s the dumbest product that made a fortune?

I think we can all look back and agree it was the pet rock. Wait… and bottled water. You know that bottled water is just tap water, right? Plus, you are destroying the oceans with those empty bottles.


Louisiana – what the hell is wrong with you?

This piece is here to posit why everyone in the state is both incredibly dumb, and incredibly racist.  Now, allow me to ‘splain.

We are going to back to hurricane Katrina, and even shortly before that.  Let’s talk about FEMA, the much maligned and mocked ‘Federal Emergency Management Agency’.  Do you know why they are mocked, and do you know why they are so ineffective?  Allow me to explain.  President Clinton made a bold move back during his presidency.  He elevated Fema to a cabinet level position.

In 1996, the agency was elevated to cabinet rank.

This means they had mojo, and could do whatever they needed to do as they saw fit.  I think that is a pretty great idea.  Why?  Because, in times of crisis, you can’t have red tape.  You have to have people and policies and processes in place to be able to make swift decisions and take even swifter action.  Since that is all that Fema does, it makes sense.

Well, when GW Bush came into office, he eliminated that elevation and put them back to a lowly department status.

This was not continued by President George W. Bush.

Some would say it  is because the Republicans don’t care about poor people, and that is isn’t the government’s job to save your ass in a hurricane.  I would say that, too.  Because this perfectly proved it.  So, when hurricane Katrina hit, Fema couldn’t do anything without state and Federal permission.  Here is where it gets super fucked up, and in retrospect, super avoidable.   Now that Fema had no mojo, they could not go into New Orleans and take charge.  They had to get permission from the Governor to take over.  The governor, a (Democrat) fucktard by the name of Kathleen Blanco, didn’t want to hand over the state to the Feds.  It was a bureaucratic pissing match. They literally spent 4 days arguing about this, while people died on rooftops and in the super dome.  Blanco didn’t have the resources to rescue anyone, and she didn’t want to look weak and have to call in the Feds to bail her out.  So, people died because of politics, and because Bush screwed Fema by removing their cabinet level status.

I want there to be no subtext here, or implication.  I want to state my point explicitly.  People died because the Govt chose then to have a state’s rights argument.  Bush could have pulled the trump card and said ‘shut up, we are coming to help whether you like it or not’.  Now, FEMA itself could not make that call (thank’s to Bush’s dick move of pulling all their rank), but the Fed Govt under Bush could have.  When Kanye West said ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’, he was 100% right.  Bush, and Blanco, let all these poor people die.  Btw, you HAVE to watch this clip below.  Not for Kanye’s comments, we all know that.  Oh now, you MUST watch Mike Meyers reaction to Kanye’s comment at the 1:30 mark.  You can tell Meyers is reading off the teleprompter, and Kanye is just winging it.  His comments are pretty spot on, though.

This is why you might think that the good folks of Louisiana might be Democrats… after watching this parade of Washington Republicans leave them to die over a chess match, and completely neuter FEMA.  It is easy to make fun of all of this, but remember that when they finally could, FEMA did go in and built trailer cities for people to live in for free… just for being taxpayers.  After seeing what Federal Republican incompetence did to them, you might think they would be super sensitive to Mitt Romney saying he would absolutely eliminate Fema and “send it back to the states”

I could see the logic in that, but not if I lived in New Orleans.  So, why did I call the folks of Louisiana dumb and racist?  Well, we are getting to the dumb part now.  New Orleans is build UNDERNEATH sea level.  This is why it flooded.  The storm didn’t directly flood New Orleans.  The storm busted the damn that held the ocean at bay.  New Orleans is Atlantis… nay… Bikini BottomBikini Bottom.  This will happen over and over and over and over when you build a city underneath the goddamn ocean.

Now, not only did they build a city on the coast, and under sea level… they also build between the ocean and Lake Pontchartrain.  Lake Pontchartrain is higher than New Orleans, just like the ocean.  Do you see how the flooding of New Orleans was absolutely inevitable?  Do you see how if you built a city underneath the ocean, you sure would want a politician who believes in FEMA.  Over and over again, the GOP has demanded to eliminate FEMA.  Funny thing is, the states that use FEMA the most are super duper red states.  That is part one of why the people are New Orleans are dumb.  Here is my rendering of the savvy placement of New Orleans between two very large and very high bodies of water.  You may not believe this, but I knocked this out with MS Paint in about 5 minutes.  I am now just waiting for the eggheads and the USGS to offer me a job.

What is part two, you ask?  what does that have to do being racist, you ask.  Being dumb isn’t the same as being racist (though, they are cousins).  We are getting to that.  So, let’s look at the demographics of people in Louisiana.  They are dirt poor, dumb as a rock, and most of them are minorities.  These points are pertinent because these are three key demographics of the Democrat party.  Poor, dumb, and minorities are our bread and butter.  Some would say the folks of Louisiana are all three at the same time.  So, after being routinely fucked over by the Republican led government, surely they would vote Democrat for President, right?

Wrong.  This, then, is part 2 of why the people are Louisiana are dumb.  They voted overwhelmingly against their own self-interest.  They voted for a guy who has ADMITTED he will leave them to die in the next hurricane.  Keep in mind, hurricanes are not a rarity in the gulf, they are a seasonal fact of life.  So how did they vote 58 to 40% in favor of the guy who wants to get rid of FEMA?  They did it.  They sure did.  Why?  Because the other guy running was black.  It is that simple.  It has to be.  Effectively, the people of Louisiana have said “I would rather drown from my rooftop then vote for a black guy.”  That is not a sweeping generalization, that is the factual data.  Don’t worry, I have plenty of sweeping generalizations to come, but that wasn’t one of them.

Mark Twain once said that there are three types of lies:  lies, damn lies, and statistics.  There is wisdom in that.  What there is not wisdom in is the electorate of Louisiana.   Now, surely I don’t think everyone in that state is stupid and racist, right?  There are probably plenty of other reasons why the vote went that way.  Do I believe every single citizen of Louisiana is a dumb fucking racist?  Yes.  Yes I do.  They have proved it with their actions, and now qualify as the most horribly ignorant and close minded people in America.  Your move, South Carolina.  You dumb sumbitches keep rebuilding a city that lives UNDERNEATH THE OCEAN.  You can do this all you want, I guess, but I ain’t giving you more money to do it.  If I wanted to watch my charity money go to get nothing done at all, I’d a given it to Haiti

* in running spell check, I was told that ‘fucktard’ is not a word.  Apparently, Microsoft has never been to Louisiana.  Pro-tip, right click over fucktard and hit ‘add to dictionary’… it will save us both a lot of time in the future.