Friday Fives – there is no thru-line here

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*** special guest content at the bottom.  Thanks, James!

 If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

On my back.  I would be backadextrious!®

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 

So they get the superpower, and not me?  Then, invisibility. He can get me lots of money, which he should.  And take naked selfies of hot celebs and send them to me. Now, is it the most fulfilling for him?  No, flying would be. However, we are not concerned about him. He already has my superpower. Know what would be rad about being invisible?  Besides using it to look at nekkid ladies (seriously, that is about 70% of my motivation. Any guy who says otherwise is a dirty liar!) I would use it to hang out in the White House, during any administration, and see what is really going on in there?  Is it more West Wing… we are all eager civil servants with the highest honor of working in the highest office? OR… more House of Cards? Backstabby! I would imagine somewhere between the two.

If you could choose a movie from your youth or past and fill it with CGI and 3D what film would you pick? 

I don’t know, but it makes me think of this.  Know what was really great about movies before computers?  Everything you saw on screen… someone had to do that shit! Look at the chase scene in the Blues Brothers.  They just crush about 20 cop cars. Then, they absolutely destroy Daley Plaza. These days, they would just photoshoppe in all those cars and accidents.  Especially explosions. It’s really easy to walk away from a green screen while they add an explosion in post production. Before about 1990, they really blew shit up.  It was terrific!

What book/movie world would you want to live in and why?

Fish Called Wanda.  Capers and crime and peak hotness Jamie Lee Curtis.  Everyone is a smartass, and everyone is drop dead hilarious.

You’re walking down the street, and look up to a see a man being carried off by a very large bird. What do you do?

Continue to watch.  Not sure he will be back.  Assuming this doesn’t happen often, I’ll need to explain that shit.   WAIT… scratch that. I have my cell phone. Film that shit!

With that being said… what the hell was that question?  What did that have to do with any of this?

 

**** bonus contributor this week.  Jamie, the original ‘Arizona Monkey Boy’ has sent in his.   You must remember Jamie.  You don’t?  Let this masterpiece of storytelling jog your memory >

If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

First… i have a third arm… i keep it in my pants…

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 
flying… not for me… and I’ve talked about this before.

Let’s say Led Zeppelin is doing a concert TONIGHT in Phoenix… you have a free ticket… and all you have to do is fly here. Do you really think you know the way? If it were me… I’d STILL have to take the freeway.

What if the concert was in Paris? Could you FIND Paris while flying? I mean… I know it’s north/east… and if i see the Eiffel Tower… sure… but i won’t be flying at night… that’s for sure!!

I really think flying would be more of a curse… than a blessing.

Flying… you also need PERFECT vision… can’t get cold easily… wind burn protection… and some kind of crazy built in GPS in the brain.

Thoughts?
**** editors note – great perspective, James.  We think of the romantic aspect of flying and a metaphor for freedom.  Really, though… you are just always lost and always cold.  AND… doing favors for all your friends.  You may note that Jamie didn’t even read the question.  The question was what superpower would you give to your friend?
and he is missing most of the questions.  Overall, I give this an A+, though.  His take on flying just nails it.
Update to that update – I asked him to follow up with the rest of the q&a.  and he did… kinda
The other questions don’t interest me. Although… I’d like to live in Wilt Chamberlain’s autobiography… as long as I’m not one of the 20,000 girls. Just do it? More like… just Wilt it.

Anyway… the flying thing has always bugged me. Maybe it’s all the PTSD I have from delivering pizzas. I can just picture myself delivering a pizza… and flying at 2 mph… and saying… where the f_ck is this house?!

Flying would be good for commuting to work and home… that’s it. There’s no real way to make money doing it… but you could save a little.

Friday Fives – careful with that dart, Eugene

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What is the funniest movie of all time?

Spinal Tap, being an aspiring and occasional musician that I am.  Especially when you consider the entire movie was ad libbed as they shot.  As are all of the Christopher Guest movies.  I have written many gushing pages about Spinal Tap here over the years.  If you are curious, just type Spinal Tap into that handy search engine thingy up there.  Aw heck, I went and did it for you anyway.   This search will only catch where I specifically added the term ‘spinal tap’ into a column tag.  If you do the search up there, though… it will catch any time I used those two words together.

What’s the funniest book you’ve ever read?

Interesting question.  I go through a lot of books, but rarely read for funny.  Odds are, it was a Chelsea Handler book.  Not the super recent one, though.  That one was kind of downer.  More on that here.  The most I laughed out loud was probably reading Chelsea’s ‘lies that Chelsea Handler told me‘.   It is roughly a decade of cruel and hilarious pranks and cons Chelsea has pulled on staff and friends over the years… told by them.

What sport would be the funniest to add a mandatory amount of alcohol to?

Darts!  And… the dart board should move… like on a pendulum.  Yes, good times.  This reminds me of a strange and true story I am sure I have never told.  Long long ago, and I am talking being in the single digits here, we were throwing darts at Chris’s house.  Not going to give you the last name, because the family turned out to be litigious nutjob psycho aholes… so I don’t want this post coming up randomly in a google name search ten years down the road.  I mean… fuck these guys, I can’t say enough bad things about this family (killing dogs, stealing bikes… )

Anyhoo… we were at Chris’s house throwing darts.  Where, exactly?  Well, in the driveway… throwing them at the front door, of course.  Why?  Well, we were like 8.  Plus, they had HUGE beautiful thick wooden doors.  Wait, it gets WAY stranger.  For some reason, one of the doors was open.  As we are hucking darts at the door from a considerable distance, his sister walks by.  Not walking outside, mind you… just walking from one room to another.  Well, one of us (I don’t remember who, so let’s assume it was Chris) hucks a dark and missed the door.  In the time it takes for it to leave his hand… she walks by.  Long story short, she gets a dart in the neck.  Yes, its funny now… in retrospect.  I am also happy to report that when we were 7… it was even funnier.

Did you know darts is such a thing in most countries that they watch it on television?  Like, a whispery guy discusses the plan, and the dart throwing guys all have sponsors and such.  Of course, I may have seen a selective and obscure program.  I imagine the limey bastards come here to visit and then report back that we watch bowling on TV.   Well… they may put it on TV, but I don’t think anyone is ‘watching’ it.

 

Who is your favorite stand up comic?

John Mulaney

Friday Fives – inventions

1. What is something you own, but have no idea how to use?

an iron.  I like to look nice, but I have NO idea how to iron.  I have tried, a lot.  Here is what happens, specifically – when I iron out these wrinkles right in front of me I am creating new wrinkles somewhere else.  It is never ending.  Luckily, I have an easy solution.  Everything gets machine washed, except dress shirts.  Those get dry cleaned.  It’s a buck a shirt, and SO worth it.  Plus, my dry cleaner is right on the way to work.  So, even if I knew how to iron, it is still worth a buck to two take two weeks worth of shirts.  bam, done!

2. What movie can you quote the most lines from?

like everyone, Princess Bride.  Bonus – also can do same with ‘Fish Called Wanda’.  I was also this way with ‘harold and maude’ and ‘harvey’.  But, I haven’t seen the former in about ten years.  I did watch Harvey three times last year.  It just came out on blu ray.  What a fantastic movie.  It’s probably 60 years old, but it holds up like crazy.

3. What is something useless that has been stamped to your permanent memory?

the details of every rock band.  every album, every lyric, every back story, i know what setlists are going to be to bands I don’t even follow.  Do you know what Billy Corgan’s middle name is, and why?  Do you know the last time the Dead played ‘Dark Star’?  Do you know Jack White’s real name is?  Do you know what Paul Simon was talking about when he sang about ‘Me and Julio down by the schoolyard’?  I do, and it’s USELESS.  I work in customer service, and not for a record company.

Here is a true story to prove my amazing and nearly useless amazing amount of rock knolwedge.  To say it is ‘complete’ is absurd… but it’s complete.  Again, here is my humble brag example.  I recently bought and read this terrific book.  It looked like stuff I likey knew already.  The wifey even said “why are you reading that, don’t you already know every story?”.  My reply was, “I do, but I want to fact check this guy to see if he does.”

In this book, I found a story that I wrote and discovered.  After  I ead that story, I told the wifey “this is MY scoop.  I am the one who found this”  She thought I was nuts, and maybe I was.  Then, I get to the end of the book and I am cited in the credits.  Seriously, check for yourself.  I am cited as reference material for a book on rock history and I didn’t even know about it.  That is pretty bad ass, and an honor.  You can check yourself.  My acknowledgement is on page 214, top line, of the paperback version.  I discovered my name in the book in the bathtub, and came running out to show the wifey.  naked and wet and old and fat.  That’s right, ladies.  Too bad I am taken!

By the way, if any of you are interested in setlist, this site is AWESOME.  It knows everything.  You can also search by venue, band, or even song.  Plus, they are freeHere is why you do, and don’t, want to check that site before your next rock concert.  The band you are going to see plays the exact same set each night.  It’s just a logistics thing, for lighting queues and instrument changes.  So, you can see what you missed, but I never check before I show, I want to be surprised by the song choices.

I do use my music knowledge to write, though.  It’s my two passions smooshed together all on this site.  Like this site, the content there is 100% original and my own.  It’s right over here.

4. What is something you feel is a pointless invention and why?

pointless?  Considering we still haven’t cured aids or cancer, not sure how much R&D we needed for the electic can opener.  Is this too complex for you?  Actually, I shouldn’t complain.  That can opener in the link above is AWESOME.  it isn’t what I grew up with, though.  We had these, and they are a piece of shit.  So, I guess I should praise can opener R&D so that we aren’t still stuck using this.

So since I kinda changed my vote mid- answer, do I have to re-answer the question?  I don’t wanna.  I love innovation, and I work in the tech field.  So, the wishy washy answer above will have to do.

5. What TV show has the best theme song?

can’t think of a catchier or better song than ‘friends’.  OOOHHH, wait.  THIS song.  I was so enamored with this song I took the bus all the way to the ball (two buses, actually, and then a 2 mile walk in the Phoenix sun) to buy the 33 rpm record.  that is how much I loved this song.  Joey Scarbury’s ‘Beleive it or Not’.  In fact, I will do more than hotlink it.  Let’s embed that shit!

Know what?  That wasn’t a very fulfilling Fives.  Normally, I would give you some bonus content – and you deserve my best.  But, the laptop battery is about 3 minutes away from dying.  So, we better wrap this up.  Have a great week, and know that we all love you.

*** update – as promised, the iPod fives game.  I am going to cross post this over to my other site.  Couple reasons for that.  One is, this post is plenty long.  The other is, I want to get y’all familiar with my other site.  It’s pretty good, if you know music.  It’s a few hours later and the laptop is charged.  Been writing for a couple hours now, which is pretty nice of me. I don’t get paid for this, and I am off to bed.