What the hell is the deal with Gary Busey?

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May 2020 > Gary Busey pet judge?  Of course, who else could you hand this too?  Where is Ashton?  Are we being punked?  Just pray he doesn’t run into Wade Blasingame.

SNL has been doing a bitlike this… so why the hell not?  It’s not like he can get weirder.  We crossed that bridge, baby.

*** update August 2018 – bottom

Hi, come on in.  Please, have a seat.  I am glad you came.  Listen, we have to talk about Gary Busey.  We are WAY past the ‘what the fuck’ stage.  Way way past.

So, I watch Celebrity Apprentice, Big Brother, Dancing with the Stars… all of it.  I blame my wife!  I am not proud of it, but I like to see how successful people interact with each other.  I am always curious if these people are dicks or not… and I get a pretty decent feeling from the show who is and isn’t.  Example?  Bret Michaels > not a dick.  Star Jones?  Monster dick!  Omarosa?  Second Worst person alive!

What really puzzles me is Gary Busey.  That guy is cooked.  Fried.  Absolutely nothing left in his gas tank.  He seems to be mentally retarded, with the capabilities of roughly a 6 year old.  Now, keep in mind that Border Collies have the intellect of a 3 year old human… and know more words than Busey.  So, I needed to know how long this has been.  Has he always been nuts?  Is he just famous for being famous?  I remember he did that Buddy Holly movie, and KILLED it.  I can’t think of a single other thing he has done of significance in acting.  So… was he a functional retarded person back when he did that?  I did some digging for you.  Well, actually I did some digging while chatting with Jamie, but I figured it was too good not to share.

I went back to 1978, when he did Buddy Holly.  There is not much I can glean from this time behind the scenes of his life.  The earliest I could find was this performance on Carson in 1985.  What do we have in 1985?  A handsome, beefy, and engaging Gary Busey.  Sure, the shirt is suspect, but this is a funny and decently likable guy.  So, he wasn’t always this dim.  That is great news, I think.

He has often talked about a very very serious and terrible motorcycle accident he had in 1988.  Apparently, this gave him brain damage and might have been what cooked him.  So, that explains it, right?  I am just an insensitive asshole making fun of an old guy with brain damage!  Nope.  Turns out that is not the case at all.  See this appearance below from 1990 on Letterman.  He is even more engaging, more likable, better looking, and even funnier.  This guy is a dream talk show guest on the top of his game.  He even quickly references his motorcycle accident and brain damage.  So, that isn’t it then.

So what was it?  I can’t figure it out.  I know he also had a very public overdose drama in 1995.  Maybe that, coupled with the accident, just cooked him.  I used to be so annoyed by watching him.  I thought it was an act.  It isn’t.  He is mentally incredibly feeble.  I seriously doubt that he can even take care of himself.  So, now when I watch, it is more like a sad feeling of watching a bird try and fly away after your cat ate its wings.

So when did he fly off the rails?  Was it a slow burn, or did he just wake up one day completely nuts?  I wrote this before the last celeb apprentice where he got booted.  He got booted because they asked him to demo a suite of LG products, and his plan to do so was a commercial about a robotic barking dog.

Good luck and god speed to you, Mr Busey.  I think to best sum up, we will go with a Hunter Thompson quote >

“There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.”

Update Sept 2015 > I get a lot of negative feedback asking why I am so mean, and insensitive to brain damage.  I am NOT mean.  I am not here to mock, I am super curious as to what happened, when, and why.  You are here because you, too, are curious.  Note, if I wanted to be mean, I could have found a thousand clips of him being a space cadet.  All my clips, carefully researched, are of an articulate and engaging Gary Busey.  I challenge you to find a more even handed look at the man.

He is making millions just being Gary Busey.  That is what he does, and it’s all he does.  He isn’t acting.  He is just being his creepy, sad, brilliant, childlike self.  His popularity, though, (we can all agree) is for the cruelest of reasons.  I think when people watch him, it is similar to slowing down to watch an accident.  I don’t watch him anymore, on any shows.  It freaks me out, and breaks my heart.  Leave Gary Busey Alone!  At least he is laughing all the way to the bank.

*** update August 2018

final thoughts on this piece

I wrote this years ago, as you can see.  As of August 2018, this post has approx 188K views… far and away my most successful piece. I am glad you are here! Here are my final thoughts, and they are awesomely contradictory

  • His handlers should be ashamed of themselves, and taken away. This guy ONLY gets jobs because he is infantile and sadly incompetent.  Trust me, I know he has handlers making these decisions.  I don’t know that he could feed himself or dress himself without help.  How could they just throw him out there for a few dollars to watch the world laugh at his foibles
  • But then I think – he clearly seems happy, and to be having fun. I think he is also (luckily) unaware that he has regressed to a child like state.  So, even if he is only being hired for some kind of schadenfreude… who the hell cares?  If he is happy, what business is it of ours?

The Dougherty Gang – a movie

* update 10.11.12  8.19.13 – see bottom of story

update 12.15.18 > wish granted – this is being made into a movie right now.  I want my cut!  It’s a shame they didn’t use my awesome casting ideas.

So, there are 3 crazy siblings who went on a rampage across the country.  Mostly, bank robbing, with some pedophilia and cop shooting thrown in for good measure.  The started their crime spree in Florida, and then did a road trip across America making trouble.  The adventure stopped in Colorado, featuring a high speed chase, epic car crash, and a shoot out with the cops. I know, awesome, right?  It needs to be a movie.  It reads like a movie.  We are here to discuss the casting process.  Here are the actual people who did this –

So, how do we cast this movie?   That is my only concern.  I don’t care if they did it, or what they did.  It isn’t my business.  I just want this made into an awesome movie pronto!  Let’s start with googley eyes, Dylan.  This guy is fucking nuts.  Look at this photo.  No trial needed, guilty!

Dylan Dougherty Stanley, 26, fired at least 20 shots at Zephyrhills, Fla., police officer Kevin Widner, who had tried to stop them for speeding

The thought process must have gone something like this:  Team, we are getting pulled over for speeding.  If he runs your names, which he wouldn’t for a speeding ticket, he may see a bench warrant for you two assholes.  We can pull over and play it cool… maybe just get a warning.   OR…  we murder the cop in cold blood to avoid your 2 month prison sentences.  Shall we take a vote?  Ok, kill the cop it is.  Good talk!

If Heath Ledger were still alive, I would use him.  Next best crazy?  I am going with Giovanni Ribisi.  He is an amazing actor, and adept at playing crazy.  Note, he possesses said googley eyes… so half the work is already done. Plus, he is a Scientologist and all.

Now, for the hot sister.  Seriously, she is too attractive to be a cop killer.  However, she is.  She even confessed to the whole thing.  Luckily, she is a terrible shot… so she never hit the cop.  But, the cop hit her.  Shot her in the leg.  Here is our protagonist, who was a stripper in Florida before becoming a bank robber.

Lee Grace is crazy.  How do I know?  See that beautiful smiling and laughing face.  This picture was taken in court, when she was being arraigned for trying to shoot a cop.  That yellow is the felony jumpsuit.  Here is a tip:  when you are being arraigned for a multi state crime spree that involves cop shootings in two different states… at least pretend to be remorseful. I just don’t get it.

here is a quick bio on her:

On May 7 near Cocoa Beach, Fla., she crashed a Ford Mustang while speeding, police said. She kicked, punched and tried to bite the deputy trying to arrest her for driving under the influence, court documents say.

Ten days later, troopers said, Dougherty crashed a Chevrolet Impala into a pickup on Merritt Island and fled.

 For her, I cast Julie Stiles for a myriad of reasons.  See pics here.  She has equal parts hot and crazy. Scratch that, new plan.  I am casting the stunning and talented Kaitlin Olson (pictured below).  She is the female lead from ‘Always Sunny in Philadelphia’.  In fact, it is entirely possible this entire event is a screenplay from that wonderful, wonderful show.  Lastly, she looks like her… a lot.  I would be remiss in my journalistic duties as a male if I didn’t point out there are nude photos of Lee Grace online.

But can she do crazy?  Well, apparently you haven’t seen ‘Always Sunny’ the most underrated show in history!

Now, for this kid… the other brother… .  He is the rapey texty creep who started the whole thing.  He was supposed to register as a sex offender, and instead began the whole incident.  The rampage is, in every sense, his fault.  This has not yet been cast, but we are accepting suggestions.  A bio >

Ryan Dougherty’s long criminal record includes 14 felonies stretching back to 2007. He has been convicted of several burglaries, drug possession, destroying evidence and a hit-and-run, plus probation violations.

On Aug. 1, Florida added him to its registry of sex offenders after he was convicted of sending explicit text messages to a child. He was sentenced to wear an electronic monitor with a tracking device on his ankle for two years. Police say he cut the ankle bracelet off at 6:59 a.m. Aug. 2, 13 minutes before the car chase and shooting in Florida.

I will tell you this, though.  Casey Affleck gets to direct it, and I am going to get Tarantino in as executive producer. What about financing?  I have our sponsor lined up, already.  Subaru.  See, somewhere across the country, they stole a Subaru wagon.  This car was bad ass!  It ran over several spike strips, then hit the safety rail on the highway, and then launched into the air and flipped.  here is the kicker.  The occupants all walked away. How bad ass is that car?  You take 3 murderous dipshits, crash, total, and flip their car and everyone is fine?   They didn’t just live… they hopped out and started shooting and running.

Subaru, the choice of today’s pedophilliac cop shootin’ bank robbers!®

* I haven’t quite totally finished the financing piece with Subaru yet.  Apparently, the squares over at Subaru Legal do not find this endorsement nearly as bitchin’ as I do.  Oh well, their loss! * update 10.11.12 > looks like crime doesn’t pay.  Take a look at Lee Grace’s last photo.  The life has truly been squeezed out of her.  I mean, this may be the greatest crime at all. what prison does to a beautiful cop killer.  Look at the photo at the top, and then down at this one.  This is only a month or two later.

Image result for lee grace dougherty 2017

THIS is the look she should have had in that first picture.  Wanna know what prison does to you?  Look at that stunning charismatic woman up top… and this was likely days or weeks later.

Lastly, I think we can all agree we find a role for Gary Busey somewhere in this movie.  I got it!  We’ll need to cast a lot of cops.

** 8.9.13 – America, I am watching this story for you.  it’s just too weird to not follow.  I am not celebrating them.  One of them got caught planning to escape.  How?  They found his letter explaining his plan.  Dumbass.

Miracle Whip is tired of your shit

Growing up, the worst you could be was vanilla.  white.  mayonnaise.  white bread was the worst.  That meant you lacked any culture or edge.  It meant you lacked flavor, and your mom probably cut the crusts off your sandwiches.  You were Mr Rogers, you were mayonnaise (and you still are). Well, it took them a long time, but mayonnaise found out and it is PISSED.  Miracle Whip is tired of your shit.  Apparently, the ad wizards for Kraft decided it was time to make mayonnaise edgy.  They want to re-frame the discussion of that stuff.  What is that stuff, anyway?  Also, what is the difference between ‘salad dressing’ and ‘mayonnaise‘ and is Miracle Whip either?  Who cares.  Miracle Whip doesn’t.  Miracle Whip is out smoking reefer and banging your sister.  What you are going to about it, whitey?  You best recognize, motherfucker.  MW is in the hizzy. They have also changed their badging on the jars of sammich goo.  Now it is just ‘MW‘.  Sort of like the old Oldsmobile slogan ‘this isn’t your father’s Oldsmobile.’  See how that worked out for them?  It turns out that it was my father’s Olds, and they are out of business.  You gotta do more than have a great slogan. miracle-whip-omg So, when you want to express something as plain, you’d best find some new adjectives, crackers!