Randy Quaid, and a conversation that must have happened

Before I show you this video… and I will show you this video… we have to wonder exactly how we got here. What transpired leading up to this video being shot? Well, it went like this, and it simply had to.

Hey Randy, you know how you totally carried both Independence Day, AND Christmas Vacation? You know how they have made at least a billion dollars off those movies? You know how those movies were pretty much just you? Remember how your agent told you that you would easily get significant points off the back end gross if the movie netted over 100 million in domestic box office receipts? Remember how we meant to get that in writing, but never did?   Remember how we sold our house ten years ago to Bruce, but kept living in it secretly… until the police told TMZ to have the police arrest us? Then… do you remember how the guy who bought the house from us pulled the total dick move of kicking us out of his house?  Oh… I sell you my house and all the sudden now it’s yours?  Total dick move.  What an asshole.

I sure do, Evi baby. I sure do. In fact, I even remember TMZ then arresting us for doing $10,000 in damage and unpaid bills for that hotel suite that we totally bailed on. I also remember when we asked Rupert Murdoch for our fair share of the billions we made him on those two movies which I totally and singlehandedly starred in. I remember him being all ‘nah, mate, but how about some shrimp on the barbie, guvna?  What’s worse is I remember when the New York Post totally reported the facts about how batshit fucking crazy we are? Remember how the Star Whackers killed Heath Ledger by getting him to take all those pills he was already known to have a problem with? Oh man, and then I remember how they traveled all the way to Asia to kill David Carradine, and make it look like it was a weird sex accident in a manner of which he was known to do weird sex stuff exactly like that according to his ex wife? Man, those guys are total dicks!

They sure are, baby doll. Listen, I am pretty sure I know EXACTLY how we can get our rightful residuals back from the film corporations.

You do? Awesome, babe. You are the best! So, what are we gonna do? Lawyer up? Get our business manager to force an audit on all domestic receipts?

No babe, better!

Petition SAG and AFTRA to pull contracts on all net payouts, since the taxable income is public domain information?

Fuck no, I mean we are really gonna get them!!!

Engage their CEO on a personal level? Maybe ask for a temporary loan against future earnings?

Nah, you big hairy perfect hunk… think bigger!

Engage my brother, Dennis? He has the most powerful agent in all of Hollywood. If we get his agent to make a few calls… we string together a very public boycott with  Hollywood’s top A-listers. It would be a true power move that would benefit every actor who has been a victim of shady accounting from major motion picture studios!

Oh no, my butter ball… BIGGER.

I dunno babe, just tell me already.

Here is what we are gonna do – This is going to fix our image, AND get us back in the country, fix our considerable legal problems, AND get us our money back. You are gonna pretend to fuck me. Fuck me good, from behind… but we’ll just pretend.  Then we release the film… Get it?

What the fuck?  Are you even listening to a word we said?  Seriously, what are you even talking about?  How will that help anything? Jesus, woman… that kind of dipshit thinking is probably why we are on the run, broke, and homeless.  What is wrong with you?

Wait wait wait… I wasn’t done. You are going to pretend to fuck me while I wear a poorly fabricated Rupert Murdoch mask!

Oh snap, why didn’t you say that? That… is fucking genius.  I love you SO much, Evi.

………………………..and…………………. end scene.

I mean… how else do you describe how this happened?

Oh… before you hit the play button… this is not safe for work. Or… good taste.   Or… fans of TMZ

What the hell is the deal with Gary Busey?

New to I am Correct?  After reading, please click here and enjoy more of what my site has to offer.  You may be missing the menus and top bits up to the right.  Thanks in advance for stopping by!

*** update August 2016 – bottom

Hi, come on in.  Please, have a seat.  I am glad you came.  Listen, we have to talk about Gary Busey.  We are WAY past the ‘what the fuck’ stage.  Way way past.

So, I watch Celebrity Apprentice, Big Brother, Dancing with the Stars… all of it.  I blame my wife!  I am not proud of it, but I like to see how successful people interact with each other.  I am always curious if these people are dicks or not… and I get a pretty decent feeling from the show who is and isn’t.  Example?  Bret Michaels > not a dick.  Star Jones?  Monster dick!  Omarosa?  Second Worst person alive!

What really puzzles me is Gary Busey.  That guy is cooked.  Fried.  Absolutely nothing left in his gas tank.  He seems to be mentally retarded, with the capabilities of roughly a 6 year old.  Now, keep in mind that Border Collies have the intellect of a 3 year old human… and know more words than Busey.  So, I needed to know how long this has been.  Has he always been nuts?  Is he just famous for being famous?  I remember he did that Buddy Holly movie, and KILLED it.  I can’t think of a single other thing he has done of significance in acting.  So… was he a functional retarded person back when he did that?  I did some digging for you.  Well, actually I did some digging while chatting with Jamie, but I figured it was too good not to share.

I went back to 1978, when he did Buddy Holly.  There is not much I can glean from this time behind the scenes of his life.  The earliest I could find was this performance on Carson in 1985.  What do we have in 1985?  A handsome, beefy, and engaging Gary Busey.  Sure, the shirt is suspect, but this is a funny and decently likable guy.  So, he wasn’t always this dim.  That is great news, I think.


He has often talked about a very very serious and terrible motorcycle accident he had in 1988.  Apparently, this gave him brain damage and might have been what cooked him.  So, that explains it, right?  I am just an insensitive asshole making fun of an old guy with brain damage!  Nope.  Turns out that is not the case at all.  See this appearance below from 1990 on Letterman.  He is even more engaging, more likable, better looking, and even funnier.  This guy is a dream talk show guest on the top of his game.  He even quickly references his motorcycle accident and brain damage.  So, that isn’t it then.

So what was it?  I can’t figure it out.  I know he also had a very public overdose drama in 1995.  Maybe that, coupled with the accident, just cooked him.  I used to be so annoyed by watching him.  I thought it was an act.  It isn’t.  He is mentally incredibly feeble.  I seriously doubt that he can even take care of himself.  So, now when I watch, it is more like a sad feeling of watching a bird try and fly away after your cat ate its wings.

So when did he fly off the rails?  Was it a slow burn, or did he just wake up one day completely nuts?  I wrote this before the last celeb apprentice where he got booted.  He got booted because they asked him to demo a suite of LG products, and his plan to do so was a commercial about a robotic barking dog.

Good luck and god speed to you, Mr Busey.  I think to best sum up, we will go with a Hunter Thompson quote >

“There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.”

Update Sept 2015 > I get a lot of negative feedback asking why I am so mean, and insensitive to brain damage.  I am NOT mean.  I am not here to mock, I am super curious as to what happened, when, and why.  You are here because you, too, are curious.  Note, if I wanted to be mean, I could have found a thousand clips of him being a space cadet.  All my clips, carefully researched, are of an articulate and engaging Gary Busey.  I challenge you to find a more even handed look at the man.

He is making millions just being Gary Busey.  That is what he does, and it’s all he does.  He isn’t acting.  He is just being his creepy, sad, brilliant, childlike self.  His popularity, though, (we can all agree) is for the cruelest of reasons.  I think when people watch him, it is similar to slowing down to watch an accident.  I don’t watch him anymore, on any shows.  It freaks me out, and breaks my heart.  Leave Gary Busey Alone!  At least he is laughing all the way to the bank.

*** update August 2016

final thoughts on this piece

I wrote this years ago, as you can see.  Here are my final thoughts, and they are awesomely contradictory

  • His handlers should be ashamed of themselves, and taken away. This guy ONLY gets jobs because he is infantile and sadly incompetent.  Trust me, I know he has handlers making these decisions.  I don’t know that he could feed himself or dress himself without help.  How could they just throw him out there for a few dollars to watch the world laugh at his foibles
  • But then I think – he clearly seems happy, and to be having fun. I think he is also (luckily) unaware that he has regressed to a child like state.  So, even if he is only being hired for some kind of schadenfreude… who the hell cares?  If he is happy, what business is it of ours?

Lawrence Taylor wants to kick your ass – another great true story

Lawrence_Taylor_120974668_620x350

This is an email my buddy sent me. It is not any different from a thousand emails we exchange. earlier this week, the Baseball Hall of Fame results were announced (with no entries due to the steroid scandals) so we started talking sports.  He got wind of a Lawrence Taylor signing event.  This is what they sent him.  He is on some email distro for such things:

Lawrence Taylor Update: Autograph Time 12pm – 2pm
Just under 70 tickets have been Sold so far for L.T.
We Are Taking Mail – in Items and Orders for L.T.
Those Items sent in will receive the Free Inscription and Free L.T. – 56 Hologram. All our items Mailed out will have the HOF Inscription and Hologram on the Item.
Note: The Signing is for 250 items only
Lawrence Taylor will be Signing his Full Name at the Show
Autograph Tickets are only on sale by Phone {623} 587-****
Autograph Fees are Listed on our website www.phoenixcardshows.com
Sports Card Collectors Show
Saturday March 30
North Phoenix Baptist Church – Central & Bethany Home
10am – 3pm / 60 Tables / Admission $1

So, this is what he sent me.

Lawrence Taylor is doing an autograph show here soon. He’s charging $80-$135 depending on what you want signed. I think he has blown ALL of his money thru drugs and lawyers… But he can still “eat” thru auto-signings. Let Schilling do the same thing.

I’ll give Taylor $80 for an auto… As long as he comes over and washes my jeep and pulls my weeds.

Classic, right?  He and I are firing back emails right in the middle of all of this.  If you are a good reader, you already know how this turns out from the couch story.  He hits send.  To me.  Like he does five times a day.  This is just two dudes talking about sports, and how we hate almost all sports stars.  Here is the catch, though.  We’ll call my friend ‘Jamie’ here, since that is his real name.  He didn’t send this to me.  Nope.  He thought he had sent it to me.  Until… this happened; He had been corresponding with LT’s publicity agent about details of the event.  and… he… uh… accidentally sent that email above which was meant for me to Lawrence Taylor’s agent.

Dude was not nearly amused as you were.  Nope.  This is what he sent back to Jamie verbatim:

From: Jeff **** <**********@msn.com>
Date: January 9, 2013, 7:31:38 PM MST
To: <az********@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Lawrence Taylor Update / Store Now Closed @ PV Mall

I Will Give you a ticket if you tell this to his face and I can watch you get the Shit beat out of you
Do you have life Insurance – Medical insurance

Yeah, true story.  How you doin?

**** update – holy crap.  I am a prophet!  If you read here often, you know that I often reference older posts of mine as I write.  Why?  Because I was correct 4 years ago and no one listened (is usually the gist).  This is another case of that.  Back in 2005 I wrote about the idea of ‘Microsoft Spite Block’ which was an app in your Outlook that warned you before sending regrettable emails.  Seriously, 8 years ago.  Too bad Jamie wasn’t reading back then, I guess.

The Dougherty Gang – a movie

* update 10.11.12 – see bottom of story

So, there are 3 crazy siblings who went on a rampage across the country.  Mostly, bank robbing, with some pedophilia and cop shooting thrown in for good measure.  The started their crime spree in Florida, and then did a road trip across America making trouble.  The adventure stopped in Colorado, featuring a high speed chase, epic car crash, and a shoot out with the cops. I know, awesome, right?  It needs to be a movie.  It reads like a movie.  We are here to discuss the casting process.  Here are the actual people who did this –

So, how do we cast this movie?   That is my only concern.  I don’t care if they did it, or what they did.  It isn’t my business.  I just want this made into an awesome movie pronto!  Let’s start with googley eyes, Dylan.  This guy is fucking nuts.  Look at this photo.  No trial needed, guilty!

Dylan Dougherty Stanley, 26, fired at least 20 shots at Zephyrhills, Fla., police officer Kevin Widner, who had tried to stop them for speeding

The thought process must have gone something like this:  Team, we are getting pulled over for speeding.  If he runs your names, which he wouldn’t for a speeding ticket, he may see a bench warrant for you two assholes.  We can pull over and play it cool… maybe just get a warning.   OR…  we murder the cop in cold blood to avoid your 2 month prison sentences.  Shall we take a vote?  Ok, kill the cop it is.  Good talk!

If Heath Ledger were still alive, I would use him.  Next best crazy?  I am going with Giovanni Ribisi.  He is an amazing actor, and adept at playing crazy.  Note, he possesses said googley eyes… so half the work is already done. Plus, he is a Scientologist and all.

Now, for the hot sister.  Seriously, she is too attractive to be a cop killer.  However, she is.  She even confessed to the whole thing.  Luckily, she is a terrible shot… so she never hit the cop.  But, the cop hit her.  Shot her in the leg.  Here is our protagonist, who was a stripper in Florida before becoming a bank robber.

Lee Grace is crazy.  How do I know?  See that beautiful smiling and laughing face.  This picture was taken in court, when she was being arraigned for trying to shoot a cop.  That yellow is the felony jumpsuit.  Here is a tip:  when you are being arraigned for a multi state crime spree that involves cop shootings in two different states… at least pretend to be remorseful. I just don’t get it.

here is a quick bio on her:

On May 7 near Cocoa Beach, Fla., she crashed a Ford Mustang while speeding, police said. She kicked, punched and tried to bite the deputy trying to arrest her for driving under the influence, court documents say.

Ten days later, troopers said, Dougherty crashed a Chevrolet Impala into a pickup on Merritt Island and fled.

 For her, I cast Julie Stiles for a myriad of reasons.  See pics here.  She has equal parts hot and crazy. Scratch that, new plan.  I am casting the stunning and talented Kaitlin Olson (pictured below).  She is the female lead from ‘Always Sunny in Philadelphia’.  In fact, it is entirely possible this entire event is a screenplay from that wonderful, wonderful show.  Lastly, she looks like her… a lot.  I would be remiss in my journalistic duties as a male if I didn’t point out there are nude photos of Lee Grace online.

But can she do crazy?  Well, apparently you haven’t seen ‘Always Sunny’ the most underrated show in history!

Now, for this kid… the other brother… .  He is the rapey texty creep who started the whole thing.  He was supposed to register as a sex offender, and instead began the whole incident.  The rampage is, in every sense, his fault.  This has not yet been cast, but we are accepting suggestions.  A bio >

Ryan Dougherty’s long criminal record includes 14 felonies stretching back to 2007. He has been convicted of several burglaries, drug possession, destroying evidence and a hit-and-run, plus probation violations.

On Aug. 1, Florida added him to its registry of sex offenders after he was convicted of sending explicit text messages to a child. He was sentenced to wear an electronic monitor with a tracking device on his ankle for two years. Police say he cut the ankle bracelet off at 6:59 a.m. Aug. 2, 13 minutes before the car chase and shooting in Florida.

I will tell you this, though.  Casey Affleck gets to direct it, and I am going to get Tarantino in as executive producer. What about financing?  I have our sponsor lined up, already.  Subaru.  See, somewhere across the country, they stole a Subaru wagon.  This car was bad ass!  It ran over several spike strips, then hit the safety rail on the highway, and then launched into the air and flipped.  here is the kicker.  The occupants all walked away. How bad ass is that car?  You take 3 murderous dipshits, crash, total, and flip their car and everyone is fine?   They didn’t just live… they hopped out and started shooting and running.

Subaru, the choice of today’s pedophilliac cop shootin’ bank robbers!®

* I haven’t quite totally finished the financing piece with Subaru yet.  Apparently, the squares over at Subaru Legal do not find this endorsement nearly as bitchin’ as I do.  Oh well, their loss! * update 10.11.12 > looks like crime doesn’t pay.  Take a look at Lee Grace’s last photo.  The life has truly been squeezed out of her.  I mean, this may be the greatest crime at all. what prison does to a beautiful cop killer.  Look at the photo at the top, and then down at this one.  This is only a month or two later.

Lastly, I think we can all agree we find a role for Gary Busey somewhere in this movie.  I got it!  We’ll need to cast a lot of cops.

** 8.9.13 – America, I am watching this story for you.  it’s just too weird to not follow.  I am not celebrating them.  They are bad people, and very bad things will happen to them.  Again, that isn’t my concern.  That is what judges and stuff are for.  I want this story told.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Miracle Whip is tired of your shit

Growing up, the worst you could be was vanilla.  white.  mayonnaise.  white bread was the worst.  That meant you lacked any culture or edge.  It meant you lacked flavor, and your mom probably cut the crusts off your sandwiches.  You were Mr Rogers, you were mayonnaise (and you still are). Well, it took them a long time, but mayonnaise found out and it is PISSED.  Miracle Whip is tired of your shit.  Apparently, the ad wizards for Kraft decided it was time to make mayonnaise edgy.  They want to re-frame the discussion of that stuff.  What is that stuff, anyway?  Also, what is the difference between ‘salad dressing’ and ‘mayonnaise‘ and is Miracle Whip either?  Who cares.  Miracle Whip doesn’t.  Miracle Whip is out smoking reefer and banging your sister.  What you are going to about it, whitey?  You best recognize, motherfucker.  MW is in the hizzy. They have also changed their badging on the jars of sammich goo.  Now it is just ‘MW‘.  Sort of like the old Oldsmobile slogan ‘this isn’t your father’s Oldsmobile.’  See how that worked out for them?  It turns out that it was my father’s Olds, and they are out of business.  You gotta do more than have a great slogan. miracle-whip-omg So, when you want to express something as plain, you’d best find some new adjectives, crackers!

Sorry. So very sorry. An open letter to my brother Scotty.

I am sorry.  So Sorry.  So very very fucking sorry, Scotty.

I am sorry you can’t tell time

I am sorry you have NO idea how your pool works

I am sorry you have not taught your 1 year old about personal boundaries

I am sorry you lost your keys and had no spare, like an idiot.

I am sorry that you represent not just 50% of my siblings… but 100% of my successful siblings.  This does not bode well for any of us.

* this above is in response to this letter below from my big brother, Scotty.  This morning, he writes as follows (ed note:  this is a real and unedited conversation from my brother, Scotty.  This is all, sadly, true… and not satire.>

You should feel bad…

I would like a public apology on iamcorrect.com
My week…
trashed laptop (Evan dumped coffee on it)
lost computer charger bought new…and then bought a laptop the next day
working on the pool, cartridge exploded, hit me in the head and knocked me unconscious (fractured cheek bone, loose teeth, etc…)
got my car towed at the airport because lost the key (stuck at the airport for 6 hours… I was only home for 12)
missed a flight because my watch was set to the wrong time zone…
Scotty
* update > Scotty’s response is below in comments.  As well as my reponse to his response.  Don’t expect much, America.  This is a guy who lost to a swimming pool filter.  Could that be the whitest injury ever?