Randy Quaid, and a conversation that must have happened

Before I show you this video… and I will show you this video… we have to wonder exactly how we got here. What transpired leading up to this video being shot? Well, it went like this, and it simply had to.

Hey Randy, you know how you totally carried both Independence Day, AND Christmas Vacation? You know how they have made at least a billion dollars off those movies? You know how those movies were pretty much just you? Remember how your agent told you that you would easily get significant points off the back end gross if the movie netted over 100 million in domestic box office receipts? Remember how we meant to get that in writing, but never did?   Remember how we sold our house ten years ago to Bruce, but kept living in it secretly… until the police told TMZ to have the police arrest us? Then… do you remember how the guy who bought the house from us pulled the total dick move of kicking us out of his house?  Oh… I sell you my house and all the sudden now it’s yours?  Total dick move.  What an asshole.

I sure do, Evi baby. I sure do. In fact, I even remember TMZ then arresting us for doing $10,000 in damage and unpaid bills for that hotel suite that we totally bailed on. I also remember when we asked Rupert Murdoch for our fair share of the billions we made him on those two movies which I totally and singlehandedly starred in. I remember him being all ‘nah, mate, but how about some shrimp on the barbie, guvna?  What’s worse is I remember when the New York Post totally reported the facts about how batshit fucking crazy we are? Remember how the Star Whackers killed Heath Ledger by getting him to take all those pills he was already known to have a problem with? Oh man, and then I remember how they traveled all the way to Asia to kill David Carradine, and make it look like it was a weird sex accident in a manner of which he was known to do weird sex stuff exactly like that according to his ex wife? Man, those guys are total dicks!

They sure are, baby doll. Listen, I am pretty sure I know EXACTLY how we can get our rightful residuals back from the film corporations.

You do? Awesome, babe. You are the best! So, what are we gonna do? Lawyer up? Get our business manager to force an audit on all domestic receipts?

No babe, better!

Petition SAG and AFTRA to pull contracts on all net payouts, since the taxable income is public domain information?

Fuck no, I mean we are really gonna get them!!!

Engage their CEO on a personal level? Maybe ask for a temporary loan against future earnings?

Nah, you big hairy perfect hunk… think bigger!

Engage my brother, Dennis? He has the most powerful agent in all of Hollywood. If we get his agent to make a few calls… we string together a very public boycott with  Hollywood’s top A-listers. It would be a true power move that would benefit every actor who has been a victim of shady accounting from major motion picture studios!

Oh no, my butter ball… BIGGER.

I dunno babe, just tell me already.

Here is what we are gonna do – This is going to fix our image, AND get us back in the country, fix our considerable legal problems, AND get us our money back. You are gonna pretend to fuck me. Fuck me good, from behind… but we’ll just pretend.  Then we release the film… Get it?

What the fuck?  Are you even listening to a word we said?  Seriously, what are you even talking about?  How will that help anything? Jesus, woman… that kind of dipshit thinking is probably why we are on the run, broke, and homeless.  What is wrong with you?

Wait wait wait… I wasn’t done. You are going to pretend to fuck me while I wear a poorly fabricated Rupert Murdoch mask!

Oh snap, why didn’t you say that? That… is fucking genius.  I love you SO much, Evi.

………………………..and…………………. end scene.

I mean… how else do you describe how this happened?

Oh… before you hit the play button… this is not safe for work. Or… good taste.   Or… fans of TMZ

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What the hell is the deal with Gary Busey?

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May 2020 > Gary Busey pet judge?  Of course, who else could you hand this too?  Where is Ashton?  Are we being punked?  Just pray he doesn’t run into Wade Blasingame.

SNL has been doing a bitlike this… so why the hell not?  It’s not like he can get weirder.  We crossed that bridge, baby.

*** update August 2018 – bottom

Hi, come on in.  Please, have a seat.  I am glad you came.  Listen, we have to talk about Gary Busey.  We are WAY past the ‘what the fuck’ stage.  Way way past.

So, I watch Celebrity Apprentice, Big Brother, Dancing with the Stars… all of it.  I blame my wife!  I am not proud of it, but I like to see how successful people interact with each other.  I am always curious if these people are dicks or not… and I get a pretty decent feeling from the show who is and isn’t.  Example?  Bret Michaels > not a dick.  Star Jones?  Monster dick!  Omarosa?  Second Worst person alive!

What really puzzles me is Gary Busey.  That guy is cooked.  Fried.  Absolutely nothing left in his gas tank.  He seems to be mentally retarded, with the capabilities of roughly a 6 year old.  Now, keep in mind that Border Collies have the intellect of a 3 year old human… and know more words than Busey.  So, I needed to know how long this has been.  Has he always been nuts?  Is he just famous for being famous?  I remember he did that Buddy Holly movie, and KILLED it.  I can’t think of a single other thing he has done of significance in acting.  So… was he a functional retarded person back when he did that?  I did some digging for you.  Well, actually I did some digging while chatting with Jamie, but I figured it was too good not to share.

I went back to 1978, when he did Buddy Holly.  There is not much I can glean from this time behind the scenes of his life.  The earliest I could find was this performance on Carson in 1985.  What do we have in 1985?  A handsome, beefy, and engaging Gary Busey.  Sure, the shirt is suspect, but this is a funny and decently likable guy.  So, he wasn’t always this dim.  That is great news, I think.

He has often talked about a very very serious and terrible motorcycle accident he had in 1988.  Apparently, this gave him brain damage and might have been what cooked him.  So, that explains it, right?  I am just an insensitive asshole making fun of an old guy with brain damage!  Nope.  Turns out that is not the case at all.  See this appearance below from 1990 on Letterman.  He is even more engaging, more likable, better looking, and even funnier.  This guy is a dream talk show guest on the top of his game.  He even quickly references his motorcycle accident and brain damage.  So, that isn’t it then.

So what was it?  I can’t figure it out.  I know he also had a very public overdose drama in 1995.  Maybe that, coupled with the accident, just cooked him.  I used to be so annoyed by watching him.  I thought it was an act.  It isn’t.  He is mentally incredibly feeble.  I seriously doubt that he can even take care of himself.  So, now when I watch, it is more like a sad feeling of watching a bird try and fly away after your cat ate its wings.

So when did he fly off the rails?  Was it a slow burn, or did he just wake up one day completely nuts?  I wrote this before the last celeb apprentice where he got booted.  He got booted because they asked him to demo a suite of LG products, and his plan to do so was a commercial about a robotic barking dog.

Good luck and god speed to you, Mr Busey.  I think to best sum up, we will go with a Hunter Thompson quote >

“There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.”

Update Sept 2015 > I get a lot of negative feedback asking why I am so mean, and insensitive to brain damage.  I am NOT mean.  I am not here to mock, I am super curious as to what happened, when, and why.  You are here because you, too, are curious.  Note, if I wanted to be mean, I could have found a thousand clips of him being a space cadet.  All my clips, carefully researched, are of an articulate and engaging Gary Busey.  I challenge you to find a more even handed look at the man.

He is making millions just being Gary Busey.  That is what he does, and it’s all he does.  He isn’t acting.  He is just being his creepy, sad, brilliant, childlike self.  His popularity, though, (we can all agree) is for the cruelest of reasons.  I think when people watch him, it is similar to slowing down to watch an accident.  I don’t watch him anymore, on any shows.  It freaks me out, and breaks my heart.  Leave Gary Busey Alone!  At least he is laughing all the way to the bank.

*** update August 2018

final thoughts on this piece

I wrote this years ago, as you can see.  As of August 2018, this post has approx 188K views… far and away my most successful piece. I am glad you are here! Here are my final thoughts, and they are awesomely contradictory

• His handlers should be ashamed of themselves, and taken away. This guy ONLY gets jobs because he is infantile and sadly incompetent.  Trust me, I know he has handlers making these decisions.  I don’t know that he could feed himself or dress himself without help.  How could they just throw him out there for a few dollars to watch the world laugh at his foibles
• But then I think – he clearly seems happy, and to be having fun. I think he is also (luckily) unaware that he has regressed to a child like state.  So, even if he is only being hired for some kind of schadenfreude… who the hell cares?  If he is happy, what business is it of ours?

Lawrence Taylor wants to kick your ass – another great true story

This is an email my buddy sent me. It is not any different from a thousand emails we exchange. earlier this week, the Baseball Hall of Fame results were announced (with no entries due to the steroid scandals) so we started talking sports.  He got wind of a Lawrence Taylor signing event.  This is what they sent him.  He is on some email distro for such things:

Lawrence Taylor Update: Autograph Time 12pm – 2pm
Just under 70 tickets have been Sold so far for L.T.
We Are Taking Mail – in Items and Orders for L.T.
Those Items sent in will receive the Free Inscription and Free L.T. – 56 Hologram. All our items Mailed out will have the HOF Inscription and Hologram on the Item.
Note: The Signing is for 250 items only
Lawrence Taylor will be Signing his Full Name at the Show
Autograph Tickets are only on sale by Phone {623} 587-****
Autograph Fees are Listed on our website www.phoenixcardshows.com
Sports Card Collectors Show
Saturday March 30
North Phoenix Baptist Church – Central & Bethany Home
10am – 3pm / 60 Tables / Admission $1

So, this is what he sent me.

Lawrence Taylor is doing an autograph show here soon. He’s charging $80-$135 depending on what you want signed. I think he has blown ALL of his money thru drugs and lawyers… But he can still “eat” thru auto-signings. Let Schilling do the same thing.

I’ll give Taylor $80 for an auto… As long as he comes over and washes my jeep and pulls my weeds.

Classic, right?  He and I are firing back emails right in the middle of all of this.  If you are a good reader, you already know how this turns out from the couch story.  He hits send.  To me.  Like he does five times a day.  This is just two dudes talking about sports, and how we hate almost all sports stars.  Here is the catch, though.  We’ll call my friend ‘Jamie’ here, since that is his real name.  He didn’t send this to me.  Nope.  He thought he had sent it to me.  Until… this happened; He had been corresponding with LT’s publicity agent about details of the event.  and… he… uh… accidentally sent that email above which was meant for me to Lawrence Taylor’s agent.

Dude was not nearly amused as you were.  Nope.  This is what he sent back to Jamie verbatim:

From: Jeff **** <**********@msn.com>
Date: January 9, 2013, 7:31:38 PM MST
To: <az********@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Lawrence Taylor Update / Store Now Closed @ PV Mall

I Will Give you a ticket if you tell this to his face and I can watch you get the Shit beat out of you
Do you have life Insurance – Medical insurance

Yeah, true story.  How you doin?

**** update – holy crap.  I am a prophet!  If you read here often, you know that I often reference older posts of mine as I write.  Why?  Because I was correct 4 years ago and no one listened (is usually the gist).  This is another case of that.  Back in 2005 I wrote about the idea of ‘Microsoft Spite Block’ which was an app in your Outlook that warned you before sending regrettable emails.  Seriously, 8 years ago.  Too bad Jamie wasn’t reading back then, I guess.