Friday Fives – movie edition

1. What’s the one movie you’ve seen more times than any other?

well, either Fish Called Wanda, or Princess Bride.  I can play both movies pretty much without the volume and recite the dialogue.  Oh, and Spinal Tap, too.

2. If you could turn one book, comic book or other print story into a feature-length movie, what story would you pick and why?

ooh, good question.  A Few Seconds of Panic, from Stefan Fatsis.  I wrote about it over on the ‘what I am reading’ tab.  It’s a fascinating inside look, from a player, of the NFL.

3. Whom would you cast?

Giovanni Ribisi.  I would cast him for almost everything.  He is funny and creepy and a great actor, even though he is a Scientologist > which totally creeps me out.

4. What one movie would you like to see “updated for the year 2005”? (Ie, a remake)

I honestly never tire of iterations of ‘Alice in Wonderland’.  Every version brings me entertainment.  It’s the best book ever written.  Also cool would be ‘Harold and Maude’ which is just an amazing amazing movie.  Wait, scratch that.  That movie was cast and acted so well, it shan’t be touched.

5. What one movie are you most looking forward to this year?

seeing the Rum Diary.  It was already out in theaters, but I missed it since it closed after about 2 days.  I love Johnny, and I really love Hunter.  The Rum Diary was Hunter’s first book, long before all that “fear and loathing” stuff.

The Dougherty Gang – a movie

* update 10.11.12  8.19.13 – see bottom of story

update 12.15.18 > wish granted – this is being made into a movie right now.  I want my cut!  It’s a shame they didn’t use my awesome casting ideas.

So, there are 3 crazy siblings who went on a rampage across the country.  Mostly, bank robbing, with some pedophilia and cop shooting thrown in for good measure.  The started their crime spree in Florida, and then did a road trip across America making trouble.  The adventure stopped in Colorado, featuring a high speed chase, epic car crash, and a shoot out with the cops. I know, awesome, right?  It needs to be a movie.  It reads like a movie.  We are here to discuss the casting process.  Here are the actual people who did this –

So, how do we cast this movie?   That is my only concern.  I don’t care if they did it, or what they did.  It isn’t my business.  I just want this made into an awesome movie pronto!  Let’s start with googley eyes, Dylan.  This guy is fucking nuts.  Look at this photo.  No trial needed, guilty!

Dylan Dougherty Stanley, 26, fired at least 20 shots at Zephyrhills, Fla., police officer Kevin Widner, who had tried to stop them for speeding

The thought process must have gone something like this:  Team, we are getting pulled over for speeding.  If he runs your names, which he wouldn’t for a speeding ticket, he may see a bench warrant for you two assholes.  We can pull over and play it cool… maybe just get a warning.   OR…  we murder the cop in cold blood to avoid your 2 month prison sentences.  Shall we take a vote?  Ok, kill the cop it is.  Good talk!

If Heath Ledger were still alive, I would use him.  Next best crazy?  I am going with Giovanni Ribisi.  He is an amazing actor, and adept at playing crazy.  Note, he possesses said googley eyes… so half the work is already done. Plus, he is a Scientologist and all.

Now, for the hot sister.  Seriously, she is too attractive to be a cop killer.  However, she is.  She even confessed to the whole thing.  Luckily, she is a terrible shot… so she never hit the cop.  But, the cop hit her.  Shot her in the leg.  Here is our protagonist, who was a stripper in Florida before becoming a bank robber.

Lee Grace is crazy.  How do I know?  See that beautiful smiling and laughing face.  This picture was taken in court, when she was being arraigned for trying to shoot a cop.  That yellow is the felony jumpsuit.  Here is a tip:  when you are being arraigned for a multi state crime spree that involves cop shootings in two different states… at least pretend to be remorseful. I just don’t get it.

here is a quick bio on her:

On May 7 near Cocoa Beach, Fla., she crashed a Ford Mustang while speeding, police said. She kicked, punched and tried to bite the deputy trying to arrest her for driving under the influence, court documents say.

Ten days later, troopers said, Dougherty crashed a Chevrolet Impala into a pickup on Merritt Island and fled.

 For her, I cast Julie Stiles for a myriad of reasons.  See pics here.  She has equal parts hot and crazy. Scratch that, new plan.  I am casting the stunning and talented Kaitlin Olson (pictured below).  She is the female lead from ‘Always Sunny in Philadelphia’.  In fact, it is entirely possible this entire event is a screenplay from that wonderful, wonderful show.  Lastly, she looks like her… a lot.  I would be remiss in my journalistic duties as a male if I didn’t point out there are nude photos of Lee Grace online.

But can she do crazy?  Well, apparently you haven’t seen ‘Always Sunny’ the most underrated show in history!

Now, for this kid… the other brother… .  He is the rapey texty creep who started the whole thing.  He was supposed to register as a sex offender, and instead began the whole incident.  The rampage is, in every sense, his fault.  This has not yet been cast, but we are accepting suggestions.  A bio >

Ryan Dougherty’s long criminal record includes 14 felonies stretching back to 2007. He has been convicted of several burglaries, drug possession, destroying evidence and a hit-and-run, plus probation violations.

On Aug. 1, Florida added him to its registry of sex offenders after he was convicted of sending explicit text messages to a child. He was sentenced to wear an electronic monitor with a tracking device on his ankle for two years. Police say he cut the ankle bracelet off at 6:59 a.m. Aug. 2, 13 minutes before the car chase and shooting in Florida.

I will tell you this, though.  Casey Affleck gets to direct it, and I am going to get Tarantino in as executive producer. What about financing?  I have our sponsor lined up, already.  Subaru.  See, somewhere across the country, they stole a Subaru wagon.  This car was bad ass!  It ran over several spike strips, then hit the safety rail on the highway, and then launched into the air and flipped.  here is the kicker.  The occupants all walked away. How bad ass is that car?  You take 3 murderous dipshits, crash, total, and flip their car and everyone is fine?   They didn’t just live… they hopped out and started shooting and running.

Subaru, the choice of today’s pedophilliac cop shootin’ bank robbers!®

* I haven’t quite totally finished the financing piece with Subaru yet.  Apparently, the squares over at Subaru Legal do not find this endorsement nearly as bitchin’ as I do.  Oh well, their loss! * update 10.11.12 > looks like crime doesn’t pay.  Take a look at Lee Grace’s last photo.  The life has truly been squeezed out of her.  I mean, this may be the greatest crime at all. what prison does to a beautiful cop killer.  Look at the photo at the top, and then down at this one.  This is only a month or two later.

Image result for lee grace dougherty 2017

THIS is the look she should have had in that first picture.  Wanna know what prison does to you?  Look at that stunning charismatic woman up top… and this was likely days or weeks later.

Lastly, I think we can all agree we find a role for Gary Busey somewhere in this movie.  I got it!  We’ll need to cast a lot of cops.

** 8.9.13 – America, I am watching this story for you.  it’s just too weird to not follow.  I am not celebrating them.  One of them got caught planning to escape.  How?  They found his letter explaining his plan.  Dumbass.

Friday Fives

1. Could you live without your phone for 1 week for $500?

So, you want to take my blackberry?  the  email, the music player, the web and all that?  I could totally do that for $500, but it would be super weird.  I could even do it for half that.  It wouldn’t be very nice, though.


2. Whom do you talk to on the phone the most?

the wife.  that’s about it.  I don’t like talking on the phone.  Can’t stand it, actually.


3. Whom do you no longer talk to on the phone but wish you still did?

my dad, who passed away recently


4. If you could get a hold of one celebrity phone number, whose digits would you want?

Giovanni Ribisi.  He is a great actor, and only chooses super weird roles.  So, what’s not to love?  Well, he is a scientologist.  Why would someone so talented go so crazy?  I mean, he worships a secret volcano god?  really?  I mean… really?  Here’s my digits, call me!


5. What do you see as the future of the phone?

Obviously, it is much more than a phone now.  WAY more.  I used to joke with my dad when he saw my PDA that you NEVER make a phone call with something so sophisticated.  I see the (wireless) phone as being also a cable box and mass storage system.  Think of it as a personal server.  All your music and tv shows and stuff on your DVR and your movie collection… all will be accessible by your phone.

It will drive your entertainment system through a docking station, and so will act as your cable box.  Mostly, though, we will just use it to look at nekkid girls on the internet.