Friday Fives – the 5 bestest-est of everything edition

If you could only listen to 5 musicians for the rest of your life, who would they be?

Bob Dylan, James Taylor, Grateful Dead, Pearl Jam, Guns & Roses

 If you could only read 5 books for the rest of your life, who would they be?

Alice in Wonderland.  Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, Tropic of Cancer, anything by Hemingway, and Desolation Angels.  Google them.  Buy them.  Love them.

If you could only have 5 childhood memories to recall for the rest of your life, who would they be?

I had nothing but an amazing childhood and the world’s greatest parents.  There isn’t a single regret in the amazing way our parents loved and took care of us.  To pick only 5 moments would denigrate the decades they invested in us.  I am lucky enough to still have my mom around, and she is my favorite person in the whole world.  Don’t tell my wife I said that.

 If you could only eat 5 things for the rest of your life, who would they be?

Pad Thai, Carne Asada, Gyro sammich, sesame chicken, and coffee

If you could only have five words to describe the world what would they be?

Beautiful, selfish, magical, self-destructive

friday fives >>> unrise… unset®

*update – I had to pull this after briefly publishing it.  It was a mess, and written under the duress of no sleep. It’s mostly the same, but I punched it up a bit.

puppy and i - Dec 2014

1. Other than normal salt and pepper, what is your go to spice to make food better?

onions.  on everything.  if it is being heated in a pan for any reason, it’s getting onions.  If not fresh, I’ll do dehydrated onions.  Either chunk or powder.  If I had a child his name would be onions.

salt and pepper really go a long way, though.  That is assuming you are using good quality stuff.  For pepper, you MUST be cracking fresh pepper with a pepper mill.  It tastes SO much better.  Plus, it looks cool and adds some theater.  It’s not expensive, and truly makes all the difference.  Same with salt.  Yes, fresh cracked salt.  Btw, if this is what you pull out to put on a steak, just stop reading now.  We have broken up.  Don’t even bother going to the store.  Sell your pots and pans and just cook with a microwave.  You sicken me. **** (see below)

If you don’t have a pepper mill, set down your Henckels and your Calphalon pots and go buy one.  See, that is a joke.  If you don’t have a pepper mill, you don’t even know what a Henckel or a Calphalon is.

2. What is your favorite sandwich

The gyro.  A great gyro is ‘proof god loves us and wants us to be happy‘.  Problem with that is, it appears I am super particular about gyros.  I am very rarely pleased with the results. other than that, you can’t much go wrong with a roast beef sammich.

3. What is a food thing you buy in bulk?

spices.  Not because we go through so much, but you pay about 1/20th the cost if you just buy the spices in powder form in a little ziplock.  They are probably fresher, too.  That being said, ‘bulk’ spices might mean a quarter cup, at most.  The savings, though, will sicken you.

How much to buy?  How long to keep?  Well, a few months ago on the Alton Brown podcast.  He had the wonderful and interesting proprietors of the ‘Spice House‘ on.  They said one year.  Does that mean you should take everything in your cabinet that is over a year old and throw it out?  Well, yeah.  Or, more practically, find what you do use,
and keep a fresh stash of that.  Look at this;  fenugreek?  What the fuck is that?  I cook nightly, and I have no idea.  This little container could literally be from a college spice set I bought.  Yeah, that was 20 years ago.

I mean, it could be a great and useful spice.  I have no idea, that is my concern.

4. What food is supposed to be easy to cook but you can never get it right?

ok, listen; this is a great talk we are having and all.  However, I have to shut us down.  I have a couple problems.  One is, I need to be in bed right now.  I recently got a job, which is awesome.

However, I have been unemployed since I was laid off this summer.  Before that, I was the night shift guy for years.  Point being, I have NO idea how to go to bed at a reasonable time.  Also, getting up at 6 am is just ugly.  I haven’t used my alarm in years.
PLUS… we have a puppy only a few months old.  Pic above is him and I.  So, wifey and I have to wake up every few hours to let him go pee.

Apologies, but I can’t finish.  It’s not even late, at least to me.  It’s 10:25 pm Thursday evening as I write this.  At this point, I feel (and look) like Courtney Love after a two week vacation with Charlie Sheen.

5. What is your best Thrift Store/Flea Market/Yard Sale kitchen device you have found?

sorry, man.  Gotta get to bed pronto.  Am too tired to think.  Plus, we just got a new laptop, which I type this on as we speak.  I don’t know its quirks yet.  It’s got a DVD thingy, though, which is nice.  So, my screen is split between you and this concert.  not only is this a great show, I was there!  Seriously, I was.  It was 1989-ish… it was my very first Dead show.

I am so tired I have began to hallucinate in the mornings.  Early, early in the mornings there is this phenomenon.  It’s like the sunset, but in reverse.  It’s spectacular.  I am calling it an ‘Unset®‘.  Isn’t that clever?  I mean, it’s not exactly worth getting up at the crack of 10:00 am, but if you find your self up at that time, check it out!

*** this is NOT meant to be an indictment against Schilling pepper.  half of my spices are Schilling.  That isn’t the point.  The concern is if you are buying this stuff you aren’t getting all the yummy and fighty oils a fresh cracked pepper corn delivers.  You know how you are all careful to keep your coffee super fresh, and not let it touch air, and you grind it only right before you are brewing?  I mean… you DO do these things, right?  Well, I am the same with my pepper.

As for Salt… I LOVE this stuff.  Don’t think any salt will do.  Half your diet is salt, treat yourself, man.  have some pride.  This is the only salt I use.  You can find it at weird places, like our ranch supply store in Parker.

Friday Fives – food pet pieves


1. What is that one thing you used to eat from your past that you no longer have access to?

Gyros.  I can’t find a good Gyro place anywhere in South Denver.  They all close, or make a crappy Gyro.  I used to drive 40 minutes each way to a place up by DU for Gyros.. gladly.  They went out of business, too.  It is heartbreaking, frankly.

2. What is the worst restaurant you have ever been to?

There was this place in Parker called ‘Sherry’s’.  It was in the shopping center at Lincoln and Parker.  This is 15 years ago, and it was the ONLY restaurant   There was nothing in Parker back then.  So, if you wanted to sit down and be served food, you went to Sherrys.  It was terrible.  Not just terrible food, but terrible service!  The manager guy, on top of it all, had this super skeevy combover.  Even knowing we hated the place, and it would disappoint us, we would often give them a second chance.  Bad mistake.  Like how Red Robin ALWAYS impresses me with great food and great service… Sherry’s was the Anti Red Robin.  Good thing social media didn’t exist back then, or I would be the charter member of

3. What is your favorite smell in the whole world?


4. What is the noisiest food in the office to eat

weird question.  I don’t care.  how about this, though… to show I am being cooperative.  here is a food I don’t like eaten at the office – popcorn.  It smells for miles.  Smells great… but smells.  If it is burnt… well you are just fucked.  and then there was this;  there was a gal in my office – let’s call her ‘Tanya’ since that was her name.  She liked microwave popcorn for breakfast.   You don’t want to smell popcorn at 7 am, especially when ‘Tanya’ would burn it.

5. Do you have great “eating at the office” tip to share to make all our lives better?

yup.  Everyone is grossed out by the bathrooms at work.  You certainly are, and so are your loser friends.  So, you sit at your desk and eat.  Your desk is a hundred times dirtier than the bathroom.  Why?  Because for one, people don’t eat in the bathroom.  The other… the bathroom is cleaned every few hours, not your desk.

I know your rebuttal here is: “yeah, Lono, but I don’t shit on my desk”.  To which I answer “yeah, but I do shit on your desk”.  So, keep some wipes handy and wash it down at least once a week.

Friday Fives


  1. If you suddenly received a ton of money and could open up some kind of store or service just for the pleasure of having it (assume it wouldn’t have to be too financially successful!), what would it be?

a guitar and book store.  used and rare guitars and books.  Plus, repair services for both.  Also, we would have a selling service where you leave your book/guitar with us and we will clean it up and photograph it and market it for you online.

  1. What service or store that no longer exists do you miss most

Fossil.  We had one of those stores in our Outlet malls at Castle Rock.  They had super cool stuff, like this.  Plus, really great deals on watches.  For $20 you had hundreds of choices.  I went back there this weekend and found out they closed them all.  Me sad.

  1. What local business do you think you could make better if you were to take it over? And if you don’t mind sharing, what changes would you make

Well, let me tell you one I already fixed.  This place.  I love this place.  It’s a home brew supply place.  They used to be closed on Sundays.  Well, for most of us who work, we only have 2 days to get our brew supplies.  There are only 2 places for this in all of metro Denver. Both were closed on Sundays.   So, I explained to the proprietor that he needed to be open on Sundays.  That is 50% of a home brewers shopping time.  I also explained that his one and only competitor was closed on Sundays.   So, if he were to be open, he would have a total 24 hour monopoly on all of Denver and it’s zymergist needs.

Then, to show I am compassionate towards staffing needs, I explained:  If you don’t have staffing. for 7 days a week, I understand.  But… be closed on a Tuesday then.  You have to be open on weekends.  He agreed, and now they are open every day of the week.  So, instead of just complaining about shit like you are up above > I am out there making society better.  I love this place, by the way.  They are incredibly nice and helpful.

  1. What spot nearby seems to be impossible for businesses to survive in?

Gyros places, anywhere.  I love Gyros, it is the perfect food.  However, Greek places never last.  Parker has had 4 that have come and gone in the last 5 years.  There is one new place that just opened, but it is terrible.  Also, that Falafel King chain was good, and they have closed.  Also closed was Pita Jungle by DU.  What is left?  2 places – Yah-Hallah, and Jerusalem.  They are close to each other, and very far from me.  Oh, there is also that place in Centennial, but their gyros stink since they changed their meat flavor stuff.

Even Champps had gyros on their menu.  It is a soul-less sports bar like every sports bar you have been to.  The usual menu fodder of burgers and wings.  Boring.  YET… for some reason, they used to have gyros on their menu.  Stranger was it was incredibly good.  I do not say that lightly. Anyhow, last time I went back they pulled it from the menu.  Oh, you know that home brew place I was just talking about above?  It is in a strip mall. In same mall, 3 stores over, used to be a gyro place.  So, when I went to get brewing stuff, I would always block out time to get a Gyro.  Guess what, they went out of business as well.

  1. We’ve all seen stores that combined books and records, beer and laundry, or coffee and whatever. One of  my favorite places to get coffee in Honolulu is a cafe and florist, and there is a car garage that’s also a diner in a town nearby. What would be a cool hybrid of two disparate ideas for somewhere you’d like to hang out?

I’ll refer back to my answer of the first question.  It would combine all those things… books and guitars and coffee and dogs.  Yes, you can bring your dogs.  No, you can’t bring your sister’s dogs… they are psycho.  Oh, and we would have a stage where there were readings and performances.  Btw, I understand that this business model has been used by thousands.  I am not the first person to want to have a hipster coffee joint that was all arty and inclusive.  I just think mine would work.  Unlike Costco and the Brew Hut, I would be open, always.  Somehow.  I haven’t quite worked that stuff out yet.

Friday Fives – sammich time

1. What’s your favorite sandwich?

whoah.  Ease up. That is a big question.  I don’t know that we just jump right into that.  I really care for sammiches.  There are tiers, genres, sub categories.  I mean…  I should start with the Gyro.  I LOVE a good gyro, and they are very tough to find.  Many folks make gyros, but they are rarely super good.  As with many types of ethnic food, you need to go to a place that is run my middle eastern people, and that has mostly customers who are middle eastern.  You want the employees speaking whatever their language is behind the counter and in the kitchen… not English.  Then, you know you are good.  If I go to one of those types of places, I order 2 at a time.  There are a couple good places up in Denver, but nothing here in the Southland.

2. You have unlimited funds and unlimited space to make your dream abode. What and where is it, and what does it look like? Do you share it with anyone/anything?

wait.  hold on.  Why aren’t we still talking about sammiches?  You don’t just get me all excited like that and then jump topics.  I could write a book on sammiches.

3. If you made a movie, what would it be about and who would be in it?

It would be a caper movie.  I LOVE caper movies, almost as much as I love sammiches.  Here is a great sammich place, ‘Crazy Jerry’s’.  That isn’t the name of the place, that is just what I call it because the proprietor is named Jerry, and he is a bit crazy.  He makes great sammiches, and he is wicked passionate about sammiches.  Seriously, go there.  Tell Jerry I sent you.

4. If you were to start a charity, what would it be for?

Ok, obviously I have to get us back on track.  Do you know who makes a really really good sammich?  Safeway!  Yeah, they have a crappy little deli, like every chain supermarket.  BUT… they have this sammich called the ‘Chicago South Sider’  Let me tell you about it.  It’s served on a panini bread… kind of a flat bread.  On it goes roast beef, horseradish mayo (yeah, motherfucker, you just read that right) horseradish swiss.  Then… they grill it panini style.  So, the cheese is all melty.  Then, and only then, they open it up and add lettuce and tomato.  If you get someone who knows what they are doing, (usually old ladies) they know to add the tomatoes afterwards so they stay fresh.  If you get a teenage dipshit kid, he may add the tomato before they grill it.  Then the tomato gets all hot and mooshy.  Don’t be that guy.

5. What’s your favorite music video? (Bonus points if you embed/link it.)

I really like this one.  I don’t think it is a music video in the classic sense, but a great performance.  This is a cute chick named Lissie, I think she is a brit.  She is doing Gaga’s Bad Romance, which is a great song.  Dig it here.

Friday Fives

1. What is your favorite vegetable?

the pepper.  all kinds, bell, poblano, jalapeno, Serrano… you get the idea

2. What is your favorite salad dressing, sauce, gravy, or condiment?

       ranch with properly prepared, well cooked, french fries.  and it has to be a very specific ranch.  I can tell by looking at the ranch if it is right.  It’s not the stuff out of the salad dressing bottle.  It’s thinner than that.  Most village inn type places have a good ranch.  Also, you can’t get good ranch out of a packet… EVER.  It must be bright white, not yellow.  It needs to be viscous enough to be able to drink through a straw.  Are you with me?  I am extremely specific about how ranch should be.  The reason… when its done correctly, it is the yummiest thing on earth.  Ever since I was a teen, I have called us ‘the ranch generation’.  This was long before we were called ‘Gen X’.  Are you with me?  There is nothing more important that really good ranch.

      see this stuff?  WAY too thick.  If anyone brings this to your house, you punch them in the genitals, hard.  Then, when they leave, you call the police and tell them the person was drinking and brandishing a weapon.  More like this.  I don’t even know how to make this ranch, or where to buy it.  You have to get it from a restaurant.  Wing places usually have a good ranch.  I suspect the ranch is love is super watered down by restaurants.  If you see a packet like this, or this, throw your shoe at the manager.  Then, and only then, take a dump on the counter.   Then… you should probably leave.  Frankly, I think you over reacted back there.  These people are working for minimum wage and you pull this bs.  You know what, this is why no one invites you out after work.  Have you noticed that, yet?

3. What is your favorite culture’s food (American, Chinese, Creole, Indian, Italian, Mexican, Soul Food, Southern U.S., etc.)?

easy, mexican food.

4. What is your favorite beverage?

coffee, and heroin.  No… just coffee.  and smack

5. What is your favorite food?

well, didn’t we just cover that above?  I don’t think you worded the question well.  So… do you mean m favorite thing, in a singular sense.  The Gyro.  It is perfection, and I can’t find it anywhere.  EVERY place that carried it is gone.  It seems that serving gyros is business death.  I can think of 6 businesses in Denver who have gone under in the last five years.  By the way, I know you are thinking ‘what about sahara cafe, Lono’.  Nope, they changed their recipe, and I am pissed.  They had the most sumptuous gyro meat on earth.  There are two places left, up north, but they aren’t all that good.  Not worth a 45 minute drive, anyway.

also, if you ask a middle eastern place how to pronounce it, they will say “any way is ok”.  No it’s not, he is being nice.  Don’t be a douche.  Don’t say ‘Jie-Row’ or ‘guy-row’.   Say ‘year-row’ and they likely won’t spit in your imperial face.

Some time ago, I wrote an entire post just about gyros.  I could link it here, but I don’t think I will bother.  You have google, you lazy fuck.  Maybe if you didn’t spend your time shitting on restaurant counters, you wouldn’t be alone.  Jesus, look at you.  You disgust me.

I am watching you

Good reader, thank you for coming by again.  I want you to know, in the interest of full disclosure, that I am watching you.  I know what you want, and what you are looking for.  Do you?

Here are the keywords people are using over and over again to stumble upon my site:

laura san giacomo,  gyros,  laura san giacomo hot,  tiger eat man,  jerry garcia’s tiger

Update – ‘What the hell is the deal with Gary Busey‘ has trumped all of those by 50 fold.

So, what does all that mean?  Well, I do find Laura San Giacomo super hot.  See here (midly not safe for work).  I love this pic, because it is the closest she has gotten to nekkid.  Trust me, I ‘research’ these things for you.  That pic is from the Stand, but she is famous for ‘Just Shoot Me’.  Now… why in the world you are searching for Laura San Giacomo and landing here… I honestly have no idea.  I don’t do that bullshit where I plant meta tags in every post that say ‘katy perry topless’.  LOTS of sites do that.  I am not interested in that traffic… unless (of course) you want to send me pics of said gal topless.  I certainly won’t stop you.

Gyros > I do love Gyros, but I can’t imagine I have written more than one or two posts about gyros in the six years we have been together.

Tiger eats man > now that I know about.  This is the single biggest piece of traffic I get here.  Read this story, it’s about the kids who taunted the tiger and so got attacked.  If, for some reason, you type in the words ‘tiger eats man’ into Google… this site comes up second.  Really, over 2,500 0f you have come to this site just on that piece alone.

Jerry Garcia’s Tiger >  This is the most beautiful guitar ever made.  See here >


what is interesting to me is;  the things you are searching for which land you here are not the things I think of myself as writing about.   As America’s most important social critic, and the sole voice of Denver, Colorado… one would think my civic work would shine above this all.  Oh well, it hasn’t.  So, here are more pics of Laura S… because apparently that is the real reason you are here.

* update 10/10.  Above I mentioned my love of Jerry’s iconic ‘Tiger’ guitar.  Well, I lucked into an amazing situation too cool to describe.  Long story short, my main guitar now is a custom handmade Tiger replica.  Stop in and see my band ‘ClownFight‘ live to meet me and the axe.  This is my guitar below.

*** Update March 2017

I didn’t like that picture of my guitar.  It lacked… everything.  So, here is same guitar, almost 8 years later.  I added the ‘Lightning Bolt’ sticker.  Right, I said it was a custom ‘Tiger’ replica.  Well, ‘Lightning Bolt‘, ‘Rosebud‘, and ‘Top Hat‘ are obviously close cousins.


the one thing you can’t see this is bottom photo is the AMAZING wood on the fret board.  Regarding Jerry’s guitars, which I am obviously VERY interested in.  Here is the official story, with some serious guitar porn pictures.