I told you so – Michele Bachmann edition


Today, we are going to talk about Michele Bachmann.  She is the disgraced and scandal tainted representative from Minnesota.  She is no longer the darling of the right, and has come to shame them.  She got busted in a very serious campaign finance scandal***.  She has long been unpopular.  However, her finance scandal coupled with her hate speech against gays has made her a liability to the right.  It was very widely believed that in the coming elecion, she would lose her seat.  Last election, she barely barely won her seat.  Then, she got caught busted stealing and re-routing campaign money.  It was bad.  her own staff, along with life long GOP staffers turned on her.  This is incredibly unusual for the right to turn on each other.  They are almost always better disciplined than the left on that stuff.

For your convenience and ease of reference, I am going to start specifying which things I was right about.  I am right so often, that I just can’t call posts “i was right” or “i told you so”.  I know that sounds incredibly pompous, but I am serious. I am doing this for reference functionality.  It just happens too mch.  I mean, there absolutely is a legitimate reason I call this blog what I do.

So… seeing the writing was on the well for her next term, she announced she wouldn’t run for re-election.  I am almost positive she was forced out.  So, folks figured she would take her failed and disgraced embarassment and go away.  Not me.  I saw this coming from a mile away.  Let’s take a look at just how correct I was

You may be thinking that she is a horrible person, and a homophobe, and a thief and a bully.  You might think she is finally going to jail, and that is why she dropped out of the congressional race.  Wrong!  I bet your life she is going to drop out to run for president.  But how, you say, she is a criminal?  Oh no, she will pull the martyr card, and people will eat that shit up!

Yup.  and I NAILED it.  This was only 9 days I wrote it.  She announced the other day she is looking at a presidential run.  Man, I am good.  That isn’t why I write this.  I write this to help you.  If you spend your time here, you will be far ahead of the conversation.  If you reading, when this Salon article popped up, you could have said to all your friends “yeah, we saw that coming”.

anyhow, another warning.  She is going to take all the fucked up shit she has done and use it against us.  She is going to decry her scandal as “politics, and business as usual in Washington DC”.  Seriously.  She will use those exact words verbatim.  Instead of acknowledging what a hate monger she is, she will explain “if loving America, and the family values that made this country what is it wrong, then I don’t want to be right.”  Then, she will intimate she was indicted because she is a target as a women and a Christian.

Oh, I just love that angle.  The ‘I am oppressed because I am a Christian’ tact.  That is such horseshit.  Christians run America.  it is a Christian country, with some 70% of people identifying themselves as one of Christianity’s thousands of offshoots.  Christians are winning, that is a fact.  To say “I am oppressed because I am a christian” is akin to saying “I am maligned in the big finance community because I am an old right white guy”.  Wrong.  You ARE the big finance community.  Guess what, though, it will work.  Because almost all Americans identify themselves as Christian, she instantly becomes credible and relatable.

I am going back over that Salon article to make sure she didn’t use those talking points yet.  I am SO positive they will happen, I just want to make sure I said them first.

**** Ok.  It wasn’t exactly very serious.  I over spoke.  VERY serious is what John Edwards did.  He got caught funneling his campaign money to his baby mama.  He was stealing money, while banging a staffer, while running for President, while his wife was dying of cancer.  That is just the lowest of the low.  I give you righties tons of shit for being immoral… but this was an epic shame of all Democrats of all time.  Nixonian, in fact.

**** yes. that is a very unflattering picture of her, and on purpose.  I don’t like her.  Want fairness?  Go elsewhere.  I am here as the Supreme Court of Public Opinion.  At least I didn’t use this one!

It’s a slippery slope?

for Bobo >

“Well, it is a slippery slope, you know…”.

Anytime you hear this in an argument, that person has lost.  That person is also, I promise, an asshole.  Everything that follows that phrase is guaranteed to be dumb.  I know because it is an admission that your argument is weak.  These are the assholes who argue that if you legalize gay marriage… all manner of sickness will descend on society.  I actually heard a guy call in to the talk radio and say “well, if you let guys marries guys, it’s a slippery slope.  What’s next, people marrying dogs or monkeys?”  Here is why this is a poor argument:  A bill would be written to specify a ‘man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman:  no other permutations’.

Also, by taking this ‘slippery slope’ position, you severely weaken your initial point. Basically, you are saying “I am fine with gays being married, but I draw the line at pets.”  If it was a solid argument, it would stop with ‘gays should not marry’.  Your syllogism should end there.  Instead… when you reveal that all manner of other things will fall as a result… you have negated your initial argument.  Once you compare it to something completely different, you have negated your original point. This isn’t a piece about gay marriage at all.  It’s about use of logic and language.  I will fight for the right for gays to marry.  I am a reverend, and I will actually marry them (editors note, since I wrote this a few years ago, I have done a gay wedding.  It was the best wedding I have ever facilitated.  More importantly, I will fight for the English language and I will fight your shitty syllogisms and lazy execution of logic.

I don’t like chili beers.  I think that idea is disgusting.  I am not going to compare that to shit, though.  I don’t need to.  I don’t care what you put in beer, or all the different ideas.  I just know that chili in beer sucks balls.  Have it all you want.

That is fine, I think we can all agree on that.  Well, maybe not this guy.

If you feel that gays should be not allowed to marry, your point has to be stronger than monkey fucking as the inevitable outcome.

Oh, and don’t say the bible says so, either… you assholes.  Yes, the bible says man should not lie with man.  However, it also says slaves are fine, cast your women out of the village if they are menstruating, or kill them if they are wearing cloths of a different kind.  So, let’s stop sourcing the bible for morality.  The first testament has father/daughter sex in it.  Yeah… like MacKenzie & John Phillips type stuff.

In conclusion, gays should be allowed to marry.  If you are against that, fine, but you need a way better argument.

The second group of people who use that term is gun nuts.  I don’t even want to bother with this group.  These guys are zealots, and logic will not work on them.  Plus, they are all self righteous and feel they are actually better citizens than those of us who are not armed.  “you can’t ban high capacity magazines.  I need 64 bullets to protect my property.  Plus, if you ban high capacity magazines next it will be my grenades or shoulder fired missile or my .22 hunting rifle.  It’s a slippery slope!”  Go ahead, try and talk about guns with a gun nut.  I dare you.  Just try and say “I don’t think babies should have machine guns.”

Here is the third group of meatheads who say ‘It’s a slippery slope’:  anti drug people.  These folks believe if you legalize marijuana, within days the streets will be filled with dead whores and junkies.  These are the ‘gateway drug’ folks.  Know what is a gateway drug?  Water.  Yup.  I studied drug addict in history, and they all started on water.  So, Denver recently legalized marijuana.  We actually have more weed dispensaries in Denver than Starbucks. Go ahead and read that sentence again.

So, what happened to Denver?  Did we all end up as junkies?  Nope, because they only legalized weed.  The law is extremely specific, as laws tend to be.  Yup, no slope.  Instead, we are saving millions on not arresting and incarcerating smokers, and making even more by selling it and taxing it.  You know your annoying friend who is obsessed with legalization?  the one who is always spouting facts, and reminding you that he first American Flag was made of hemp.  Well, that guy was right.  No crime problem, no uptick in drug abuse, and we are making shitloads of money by taxing stoners.  It’s win win!

If your point and opinion is valid, it need not a qualifier of any kind.  You would not say “don’t run a stoplight, because if you do.. it’s a slippery slope.  It could lead to accidents, tickets, and copycat behavior.  If you are all driving through stop signs with your kid in the car, he will be learning to also run stop signs.  Then, his buddies will start doing the same.  It’s a slippery slope from one rolling ‘California; stop to all laws of traffic coming apart.

If people take advantage of gay marriage laws, and then marry their donkey, THEN you get to say ‘told you it was a bad idea’.  Here is what you should do.  Just say this “I don’t like gay marriage.  I don’t think it is right on many levels.”  You are now done.  You don’t have to say why, or to rationalize it to anymore.

I am not sure if my beef is with that stupid phrase… or the people who employ it.  Frankly, both must be stopped.  A bigger concern for society should probably be why this piece dipped into several monkey ejaculation references.  How does that serve the conversation?  Frankly, someone should edit this garbage a little better.  But, if you limit the language, you start down a road of censorship.  First, you tell him not to use monkey jizz at the end of each paragraph.  Then, you limit vowel use.  It’s a slip…. well… you know.

In closing, it is ok if you don’t like gay marriage.  Same thing with not liking pickles on your burger.  I am FINE with you not liking gay marriage.  Just don’t butcher language and logic to do it.  Say “I don’t like it.”  or, “it’s gross and weird”, or “I am against it.”  Just know it is your issue, not theirs.

**** sorry, this got way too ranty.  It could, and should, be tightened up and probably cropped to about half the words.  I just get worked up.  I care about gay rights, and language.  So if they cross paths, I am going to write the shit out of it.  thanks for your patience.  I would like your feedback.  did it go too long?


Generally speaking, I am a very joyful person. You know that. I don’t have to tell you that. You may know that I am actually a Reverend. I have married people, and am actually marrying a couple this Friday. This piece, however, is not a joyful piece. It is petty and small, but needs to be said. First off, I am calling off my fatwa against the horrible monster of a human Robert Novak. He just announced he has brain cancer and then retired from writing immediately. A week before he ran over an elderly pedestrian in his sports car and didn’t even know it. Point made. Novak won’t be a problem anymore.

While these pages are meant to celebrate greatness in culture like Nelson Mandela, or myself… there are those who are enemies of goodness. Specifically, I want to highlight the worst person on earth. Rev. Fred Phelps. Look at that visage up top. That is what hate does to you.

Now, know that this has NOTHING to do with religion. True, I do have my beefs with religion… but this is not one. This is against Rev. Fred. Why do I hate Rev Fred? Why do I call for him to be struck dead? Why am I declaring a ‘fatwa’ against this douchebag. Tell you why; he is the ‘god hates fags’ guy. He doesn’t just believe that god hates gays, he believes (seriously) that now god hates EVERYONE because we tolerate gays. Yeah. wtf is that? This guy (and his church lemmings) goes to soldiers funerals with signs that says ‘god hates fags’. You ask, gay soldiers? No, ALL soldiers.

Like Falwell, this dingus believes god created war and the tragedies of Sept 11th to teach us a lesson about tolerance of gays. You probably think I am using hyperbole and exagerration to make a point. While that is often the case here, no. Dude’s church URL is actually this www.godhatesfags.com

There is no god who hates anyone. There is no decent or respectable church on earth that hates anyone. Anyone who delivers a message of anything other than tolerance and love is an abomination and he shall suffer. I will not rest until Rev Fred suffers the horrible injustice he has heaped onto American soldiers families by boycotting their funerals. In addition, with a bit of a psychology background… dude doth protest too much. Get it? Historically, any time someone comes up with that much anti-gay rage… they are gay. Ask Sen Craig, ask, Karl Rove, ask J Edgar Hoover, ask Ted Haggard. All great gays of history, and all famous gay haters.

God doesn’t hate fags, Rev. God doesn’t hate anyone. That’s not his deal. I don’t hate anyone either, except you. Ooooh, burn! Live with that, you old cracker! This is why Rev Fred Phelps is the worst human on earth. Yes, even worse than David Caruso.