Friday Fives – guess poster edition

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Team,

I haven’t gotten around to posting the Fives this week.  Am too busy right now.  Instead, welcome guess editor and long time friend of the site, Jamie (the Arizona Monkey Boy) >

 

1. Do you have a favorite insect (of the bug variety, of course)? 

 

No… but your mom gave me crabs once… that was kinda special!!

 

2. Which insect could you happily do without seeing for a good long time? 

All of them… but I guess cockroaches. Just so you know… I’ve never seen one in my house… knock on wood!!

 

3. Which insect do you think is of the most benefit to us? 

 

Seriously… we’re doing an insect theme? Okay… let me ask YOU a question. Did insects EVER help you get laid? That’s what i thought…

 

4. Have you had to deal with an insect invasion yet this season (or this past summer for our friends in the other hemisphere)? 

 

Hhmmm… I feel like the writer of these questions… is pleasuring himself as he reads this…

Pizza Connection. That place was a dive… buy they always got like a 98 on there health inspection. One secret i learned while working there… dump bleach down the sinks/toilet BEFORE a monsoon hits… because the ‘bugs’ know it’s coming before you do… and they’re looking for a dry place.*

*(Insert ex-girlfriend’s vagina joke here)

 

5. Would you eat insects? Not even for a lot of money?  

 

Sure… i mean… I probably eat insects everytime i eat anyway… so yeah… go ahead and pay me!!
*** um… wow!  I would like to just apologize for everything you just read.  I figured some content would be better than none.  But man, this guy has some issues.  This is where I should say something like ‘in no way to the opinions above bla bla blah.  But, this is my site and I could just erase this if I wanted to.    and about the cockroaches?  Like Texas, they are everywhere.  and the worst part?  those fuckers FLY.  Sleep tight, readers!
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Friday Fives – there is no thru-line here

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*** special guest content at the bottom.  Thanks, James!

 If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

On my back.  I would be backadextrious!®

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 

So they get the superpower, and not me?  Then, invisibility. He can get me lots of money, which he should.  And take naked selfies of hot celebs and send them to me. Now, is it the most fulfilling for him?  No, flying would be. However, we are not concerned about him. He already has my superpower. Know what would be rad about being invisible?  Besides using it to look at nekkid ladies (seriously, that is about 70% of my motivation. Any guy who says otherwise is a dirty liar!) I would use it to hang out in the White House, during any administration, and see what is really going on in there?  Is it more West Wing… we are all eager civil servants with the highest honor of working in the highest office? OR… more House of Cards? Backstabby! I would imagine somewhere between the two.

If you could choose a movie from your youth or past and fill it with CGI and 3D what film would you pick? 

I don’t know, but it makes me think of this.  Know what was really great about movies before computers?  Everything you saw on screen… someone had to do that shit! Look at the chase scene in the Blues Brothers.  They just crush about 20 cop cars. Then, they absolutely destroy Daley Plaza. These days, they would just photoshoppe in all those cars and accidents.  Especially explosions. It’s really easy to walk away from a green screen while they add an explosion in post production. Before about 1990, they really blew shit up.  It was terrific!

What book/movie world would you want to live in and why?

Fish Called Wanda.  Capers and crime and peak hotness Jamie Lee Curtis.  Everyone is a smartass, and everyone is drop dead hilarious.

You’re walking down the street, and look up to a see a man being carried off by a very large bird. What do you do?

Continue to watch.  Not sure he will be back.  Assuming this doesn’t happen often, I’ll need to explain that shit.   WAIT… scratch that. I have my cell phone. Film that shit!

With that being said… what the hell was that question?  What did that have to do with any of this?

 

**** bonus contributor this week.  Jamie, the original ‘Arizona Monkey Boy’ has sent in his.   You must remember Jamie.  You don’t?  Let this masterpiece of storytelling jog your memory >

If you get to have a third arm and got to choose its placement, where would you put it on your body?

First… i have a third arm… i keep it in my pants…

You get to pick one superpower to just give to one of your friends.  What do you pick? 
flying… not for me… and I’ve talked about this before.

Let’s say Led Zeppelin is doing a concert TONIGHT in Phoenix… you have a free ticket… and all you have to do is fly here. Do you really think you know the way? If it were me… I’d STILL have to take the freeway.

What if the concert was in Paris? Could you FIND Paris while flying? I mean… I know it’s north/east… and if i see the Eiffel Tower… sure… but i won’t be flying at night… that’s for sure!!

I really think flying would be more of a curse… than a blessing.

Flying… you also need PERFECT vision… can’t get cold easily… wind burn protection… and some kind of crazy built in GPS in the brain.

Thoughts?
**** editors note – great perspective, James.  We think of the romantic aspect of flying and a metaphor for freedom.  Really, though… you are just always lost and always cold.  AND… doing favors for all your friends.  You may note that Jamie didn’t even read the question.  The question was what superpower would you give to your friend?
and he is missing most of the questions.  Overall, I give this an A+, though.  His take on flying just nails it.
Update to that update – I asked him to follow up with the rest of the q&a.  and he did… kinda
The other questions don’t interest me. Although… I’d like to live in Wilt Chamberlain’s autobiography… as long as I’m not one of the 20,000 girls. Just do it? More like… just Wilt it.

Anyway… the flying thing has always bugged me. Maybe it’s all the PTSD I have from delivering pizzas. I can just picture myself delivering a pizza… and flying at 2 mph… and saying… where the f_ck is this house?!

Flying would be good for commuting to work and home… that’s it. There’s no real way to make money doing it… but you could save a little.

Friday Fives – He’s a Juicy Fire!

A mondegreen is a mis-heard lyric. What is your favorite misheard lyric? 

A boy, I got a good one. I recently bought the remastered box set of U2’s ‘Unforgettable Fire’. It is such an amazing album, and is mixed so poorly, I had great hopes. In the HUGE hit song ‘Pride in the name of Love’, in the first verse there is a sentence that goes ‘one comes here to justify’. I never knew that lyric until I got the box set last week. In the original CD, they only print the lyrics to one song, which is the first song.

Now, I was always pretty sure what I was hearing was incorrect, but listen to the song. Right now. Here, I will embed if for you. Now, go to that first verse. The exact moment is 57 seconds. I always heard ‘one man come, he a juicy fire’. Go ahead, sing that with that line. He a juicy fire. That isn’t the heart of this story.  Not anymore. Don’t worry, this story gets WAY worse.

As with all things, I was discussing this with my pal Jamie. I asked him what he heard. This is no lie. He said “I always thought he was saying ‘one man come, he set Jews on fire…’. Wow. That is brilliant, and fucked up. Obviously, it’s not brilliant to set jews on fire. It’s brilliant that that is what Jamie thought all these years, and gleefully sang along. Kinda puts my ‘juicy fire’ into perspective, doesn’t it?

A spoonerism is a deliberate (or accidental ) error in speech or words. Do you have a favorite? 

I found this to be too kitschy to interest me. So, how about another mondegreen. In ‘Every Breath you Take’ from the Police. There is a line that says ‘how my poor heart aches’. Makes sense. That is not what I heard, and I listened to this song thousands of times. This album was incredibly influential for me. Really, it changed my life more than any other album. I was such a fan of this record that my brother took me to see the Police live. It was on this tour, Synchronicity. It was their farewell tour, and they were firing on all cylinders. It was incredible. I knew that night that rock and roll was all I ever wanted. It’s what I wanted to do, to think about, to talk about, to be my job, to be my nights and weekends… all from that Police show. I was 10, I think.

FOCUS, man! What I heard was ‘how my pool hall aches’. Go ahead, watch. Its at the 50 second mark. Tell me he is not saying ‘how my pool hall aches’.


A malapropism is an incorrect word in place of another.  Can you remember one used?

This one also does not interest me. It’s strange, I am a word guy. I am super passionate about words. I got a degree in literature, that is how much I love words. Yet, I am not inspired. I think it’s because I need to just get to bed.

So, how about this? The funniest mondegreen of all time comes from Dave Barry. There was a classic great soul song called ‘ain’t no woman like the one I got’ Makes sense. Touching, and sweet. What Dave Barry brings us is this – Ain’t no woman like the one eyed Gott’.

Lastly, no conversation about mondegreens can be complete without this. My favorite band, and someone trying to figure out just exactly what the hell Eddie is singing.  In fact, there is not even an official studio version of this.  The recording we all know was done on the fly at a radio station that Ed and Mike were visiting.  Mike brought an acoustic and they knocked out two songs that day.  Both were largely improvised on the spot.  The other song was Bee Girl.

To be fair, this song never had official lyrics, and I am about 90% confident that he changes the words night to night a bit to fit his mood.

An earworm  is a snippet of catchy tune that gets stuck in your head. Do you have a common one? 

Goodwill Halloween, goodwill Halloween, goodwill halloween

Btw, I… and I alone, have pioneered a way to fix them. It will sound dumb and obvious… but it works. Your mind needs closure when this is happening. To fix the earworm, you need to listen to the song in its entirety. I have had to actually reach over to my phone in the middle of the night and download a song online and listen to it with headphones while wifey is sleeping to get closure. It works.

The Tetris effect occurs when so much time and attention is devoted to an activity it affects other parts of your life.  Do you do this? 

Really? I disagree. For me, the tetris effect is all about organization. It could be packing the back of a moving van with everything you own. Every spot counts. It could be about time management… trying to fit in all the shit you need to fit into your day. My wife is the master of tetris in real life. Need stuff packed? You just sit back, keep your hands and feet away, and watch the art.

Lawrence Taylor wants to kick your ass – another great true story

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This is an email my buddy sent me. It is not any different from a thousand emails we exchange. earlier this week, the Baseball Hall of Fame results were announced (with no entries due to the steroid scandals) so we started talking sports.  He got wind of a Lawrence Taylor signing event.  This is what they sent him.  He is on some email distro for such things:

Lawrence Taylor Update: Autograph Time 12pm – 2pm
Just under 70 tickets have been Sold so far for L.T.
We Are Taking Mail – in Items and Orders for L.T.
Those Items sent in will receive the Free Inscription and Free L.T. – 56 Hologram. All our items Mailed out will have the HOF Inscription and Hologram on the Item.
Note: The Signing is for 250 items only
Lawrence Taylor will be Signing his Full Name at the Show
Autograph Tickets are only on sale by Phone {623} 587-****
Autograph Fees are Listed on our website www.phoenixcardshows.com
Sports Card Collectors Show
Saturday March 30
North Phoenix Baptist Church – Central & Bethany Home
10am – 3pm / 60 Tables / Admission $1

So, this is what he sent me.

Lawrence Taylor is doing an autograph show here soon. He’s charging $80-$135 depending on what you want signed. I think he has blown ALL of his money thru drugs and lawyers… But he can still “eat” thru auto-signings. Let Schilling do the same thing.

I’ll give Taylor $80 for an auto… As long as he comes over and washes my jeep and pulls my weeds.

Classic, right?  He and I are firing back emails right in the middle of all of this.  If you are a good reader, you already know how this turns out from the couch story.  He hits send.  To me.  Like he does five times a day.  This is just two dudes talking about sports, and how we hate almost all sports stars.  Here is the catch, though.  We’ll call my friend ‘Jamie’ here, since that is his real name.  He didn’t send this to me.  Nope.  He thought he had sent it to me.  Until… this happened; He had been corresponding with LT’s publicity agent about details of the event.  and… he… uh… accidentally sent that email above which was meant for me to Lawrence Taylor’s agent.

Dude was not nearly amused as you were.  Nope.  This is what he sent back to Jamie verbatim:

From: Jeff **** <**********@msn.com>
Date: January 9, 2013, 7:31:38 PM MST
To: <az********@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Lawrence Taylor Update / Store Now Closed @ PV Mall

I Will Give you a ticket if you tell this to his face and I can watch you get the Shit beat out of you
Do you have life Insurance – Medical insurance

Yeah, true story.  How you doin?

**** update – holy crap.  I am a prophet!  If you read here often, you know that I often reference older posts of mine as I write.  Why?  Because I was correct 4 years ago and no one listened (is usually the gist).  This is another case of that.  Back in 2005 I wrote about the idea of ‘Microsoft Spite Block’ which was an app in your Outlook that warned you before sending regrettable emails.  Seriously, 8 years ago.  Too bad Jamie wasn’t reading back then, I guess.