What would you tell people you did for a living if you won the lottery?
Mercilessly mocked the lottery, and the losers who play it. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. You know what happens when you get crazy fucking rich? People “you changed, man’. You used to be cool!” In full anticipation of that, I have already begun changing. I am already standoffish, and act to those around me in a petty and condescending tone. Just in case.
Don’t believe me? I wrote this almost ten years ago.
Invariably, you hear this from lottery winners. “People around me started changing. We are still the same people we have been.”
You here that a lot. All of the sudden, people changed. I couldn’t trust people, and didn’t know if they were interested in me or the money.
Right. I am going to head that off, if I win. I am going to change like a motherfucker. Standoffish? You bet! Mistrusting? for sure! In fact, I am going to start practicing being a reclusive dick right now… just in case I win.
Let me tell you, if I win ten million, I will be a VERY changed man. You will think I have become more remote, more distant, a bit of of a dick, and out of touch with the working class. I will not just be ‘more guarded’ emotionally, I will physically be guarded by Suge Knight at all times. You will say I have changed, and you will be right. In fact, that is first on my lottery winning to do checklist right there.
Either I anticipated winning the lottery 8 years ago… or I at least anticipated this stupid question. Apparently, I wrote this during the 2 to 3 week window that Suge Knight was not in jail for something or other.
What are your best ways to shut down a conversation?
looks down at phone. “oh my god. OH MY GOD! I am sorry, I have to go!”
keep it brief. No details. and yes, it gets awkward.when they see you only move 7 feet away to talk to someone else. That is why you really gotta sell it!
What is a feature on a newer car that you never realized you were missing out on because you didn’t have it before?
Holy moley, I just got a new truck, a 2018. My last truck was a 2007. Boy has technology changed! This new truck has remote start, bumper sensors, satellite radio, GPS based emergency tow service (ironic, since I work for AAA. But, its an American truck… prolly union made… and will probably need my AAA tows AND my Dodge tows) and an app on my phone that can unlock or even start the truck.
But wait… there’s more! It has a cold weather sensor (extremely valuable as we head into Colorado weather at 6,200 feet). When the weather is colder than 40 degrees outside, I can remote start the truck from the kitchen. It turns on not just the truck, but the defroster thingies, and the seat heater and the steering wheel heater. Yes, I have a steering wheel heater. I thought it was dumb, and unnecessary. In conversation, though, people told me it was amazing. We have already had snow, and it IS amazing. I guess that is the long ass way to answer your question. Heated steering wheels! God Bless America!
What is a cruel name to pick for your children?
I think Jason Lee wins with ‘Pilot Inspektor’. However, Penn Jillette is a very close second naming his daughter ‘Moxy Crimefighter’. These are true, I swear. Google it!
I love both of these guys… especially since Jason Lee renounced Scientology. We can only assume his poor choice was influenced by severe lord Xenu, and so is forgiven (since he left the church. I can not stress this enough. If you leave Scientology, you are totally forgiven and highly respected. Beck… I am looking in your direction!)
What is the worst gift you’ve ever received?
When I was way young… single digits, my wonderful and amazing and awesome grampa gave us stock for Christmas every year. Yes, partial ownership in large companies. I still have these, and am seriously and eternally grateful and appreciative. However, at age 7… that gift pretty much sucked ass. Hey Billy, you got a bike? AWESOME! Me? I got… um… fiscal responsibility.
I am glad I was wrong. Go figure.