I am listening to Heinlan’s ‘Stranger in a Strange Land’. Wish I could tell you I was reading it, but I don’t have the time. Well… I guess I don’t make the time. I am a little more than halfway through it. It isn’t just very well written, it is very well narrated. This then becomes a total ‘theater of the mind’ experience as I drive. Because it is so well told, and on so many levels… I am casting the movie in my head. I don’t do this with every book, just the extraordinary ones (like Christopher Moore stuff). The book is a story about a Martian on Earth, and the oddness that comes with it. The first name that came to mind was Giovanni Ribisi. Not even sure what role he would play. I just think he is the best actor around, and so I would see anything he works in. Even though… dude is a Scientologist. Then, I thought “wait, this is a movie about Martians. Wouldn’t Scientologists be perfect?” But then, their thought lawyers sent my thoughts a cease and desist.
There are a lot of Scientologist actors. So why not? Let’s cast the movie using nothing but Scientologists. First, a quick primer on Scientology and why it’s pertinent to aliens.
Scientology is ironically very well grounded in Freudian psychology. They believe that traumatic experiences and repressed emotions are fucking you up and keeping you from being happy. I say it’s ‘ironic’ because Scientologists are militantly against psychology. True story. This is so odd because up to this point, their stuff is based on very sound psychology. They (Scientologists) also believe the answer to these issues is through therapy. This is where we diverge. In order to purge yourself of these repressed issues, you need to take a series of incredibly expensive classes to reach enlightenment. It’s called ‘going up the Bridge’ and costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.
The end goal is their version of enlightenment (or… Nirvana)… it is called ‘going Clear’. To attend these classes is to ‘audit’ them. I find that an amusing term, since ‘auditing’ a class in college is when you don’t pay, but you also don’t get credit. Nothing I said above is controversial, or secret. And it isn’t weird… yet.
Here is where it gets weird, and why Scientologists are so roundly mocked. I am going to try and sum up thousands of pages of content into a few sentences. They believe that the true root of your issues and unhappiness come from outer space. A 100 million years ago, there was this horrible immortal volcano ghost/god/monster named Xenu.
Think of a whole box of Satans together, all imbued with power of god. He took all the people on Earth, and threw them all in a volcano. However, many of their souls escaped the volcano and their mortal forms. These poor innocent souls escaped the Xenu’s volcano of doom by hiding in 747s. I know you are thinking that maybe 747s didn’ exist until about 60 years ago, right? Shut up. Because it is about get dumber.
They believe that these escaped souls are still around, and have seeped into your soul. When they do this, they plant negative thoughts and emotions deep inside you. These self doubt moments are called ‘Engrams’. You may not be surprised to find out that only Scientologists have the cure/answer to these pesky things. They identify them off you using a very very crude homemade lie detector thing called an ‘e meter’. It is said that L Ron Hubbard was an OT (operating Thetan, it is the rank system in Scientology) 13. The highest known OT level of a living man is Tom Cruise. It is believed he is an OT7. Know how people who play roll playing fantasy games say things like “I am an orc leader, with plus 25 charisma”. That is your Scientology OT levels to the rest of us.
Anyhow… see why I may as well cast the whole movie about a benevolent Martian with nothing but Scientologists. Bonus self imposed challenge? Not using Tom Cruise, the world’s most famous Scientologist.
This book is very influential in the sci-fi cannon. But according to my thorough research (Rotten Tomatoes & IMDB, no one has made a movie. Let’s make one together, by Xenu! Do you grok that, crackers?
Michael Valentine Smith – Ryan Gosling. He is beautiful to look at, can help carry the box office, and seems super capable of being creepy and staring into space for no reason.
Jill – Laura Prepon. I am just in love with her. OH… and I am going to write a scene, for artistic reasons only, that will have Laura Prepon topless. Click here, NSFW.
Jubal Harshaw – Issac Hayes – the character is old and cranky and mean. Yet, incredibly resourceful and tough as barbwire. He takes shit from no one. He also has major contempt for any societal conventions and govt rule. Who better than a super successful black actor? Really, it should be Morgan Freeman, but the Scientologist haven’t gotten their hands on him… yet.
Ben Caxton – Giovanni Ribisi – just because Ribisi is brilliant in everything? Remember his breakout role in Friends? He is Phoebe’s little brother. “What are your interests?” – (Ribisi’s character – “well, I like things that melt. and I… uh.. dislike things that don’t melt.”
Secretary General Joseph Douglas – John Travolta – perfect for a presidential role He looks like a president: handsome, carries himself with confidence, is white, and about the right age. I know people love to make fun of him, but his acting chops are absolutely top notch.
Ann, Miriam, & Dorcas – Leah Remini, Elisabeth Moss, and Erika Christensen These ladies are the very attractive personal assistants to Jubel Hershaw. Leah is there, also, to rescue them all from the cult. She is an SP, you know!
Danny Masterson – doesn’t he get a part? No, fuck him. He is a rapist.
Soundtrack and musical director – Beck – Beck is awesome. He is a musical genius, and a great and innovative songwriter. and of course, is a Scientologist.
I have done the hard work, now get out there and raise some capital so we can do this. This isn’t my first movie rodeo, either. I wrote about the Dougherty Gang years ago, and now its being made into a movie.