Friday Fives – Batman did it!

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What’s a casual saying that got so popular because it was said in a movie?

You know we need, Wondermutt?  Besides bread… a woman who appreciates us!

Now… that may not yet be an iconic line, but it just means you haven’t seen the best bad movie ever – Summer School.

What movie should never have been made?

Many would say Summer School.  I am going to go with the third Matrix.  However, I have never seen it.  Saw the first one, and I think it is one of the greatest and most important sci fi action films ever made.  THEN… I saw the second one.  I don’t even think I finished it.  It was so convoluted.  When these force these trilogies, it doesn’t seem to work.  Look at the Star Wars prequels!  I mean, aside from that cool ass scene where dude turns into Vader in the lava… did you really need the last 2 movies?  Phantom Menace was awesome… but the other two sucked.  Same with Bill & Ted sequel.  Many say the same about the Godfather films, but I thought all three were great.

So… lets’ answer that question by saying the third movie in just about every trilogy.

Perhaps my favorite movie of all time is ‘a Fish Called Wanda’.  This film is a landmark and a masterpiece… and I can prove it.  Kevin Kline won a best supporting actor Oscar for his portrayal of Otto.  Comedy films don’t get Oscars.   EVER.  In fact,l I think in the history of Oscars, only 2 men have won best supporting actor for a comedy role.  Kevin Kline, and Alan Arkin from ‘Little Miss Sunshine’.  My point being… they kinda made a sequel to that movie.  Not in story or character, sadly… just the cast.  The ‘sequel’ was called ‘fierce creatures’, or something like that.

What book/play should be made into a movie?

The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto.  I am reading this right now.  Well, listening to it.  So, of course I am casting the film in my mind.  For the adult version of Frankie, I had Chris Cornell in mind.  True story, and then Cornell died like a week after I started the book.  So, that is gone to shit.  Thanks a lot, Cornell!  This book just came out in the fall, though, so it’s very possible it will get optioned.  It’s a hell of a story, and this writer is a big deal.  He wrote Tuesday’s with Maury.. the most boring title ever!

What movie utilized a song to its fullest potential?

Ooh, that is fun.  We talk a lot about movies, and even more about music.  We need to do that.  I think I have to go with Aretha Franklin breaking in to ‘r-e-s-p-e-c-t’ as a waitress in the Blues Brother’s movie.  I don’t much like musicals… I think it’s a guy thing.  I hate with they force a transition in to song.  However, in the Blues Brothers… all the music was organic

If you were a Gotham villain, how would you piss off Batman?

do genuine good for poor people.  And, of course, employ a publicist.  Look at Hugo Chavez.  That guy was likely an evil genius, and truly was in a comic book cast… against GW Bush.  Bush was busy bungling 2 world wars… all while telling everyone how evil Chavez was (he was the president of Venezuela).  So, Chavez rolls into Manhattan with a tanker truck full of heating oil that his henchmen just gave away to poor people.  True story.  Meanwhile, at that moment, Chavez had to follow BUSH as a speaker at the UN.  He said he could still smell the sulfur from the Diablo standing there before him.  It was pretty great.

Does that not sound like the first 10 minutes of every batman film?  Then… we find out the heating oil was mind control juice… a la Elsinore beer in Strange Brew.  So… that is how I would piss off Batman. I would undermine him with years and years of good deeds.  In the meantime, I am destroying the system from within by virtue of corruption… but externally, I am mister nice guy building parks and stuff.

Scratch that- better idea.   WAY WAY WAY better idea.  Strongly imply it was he who killed his parents.  Turn this whole victim/vigilante story on its head.

This is straight out of the books of Karl Rove, and is a variation on the classic GOP fraud of ‘push polling’.  I go out and I have a press conference.  Unlike every other press conference/event, this one will NOT end in my henchmen destroying the town.  This will be good old fashioned boring politics.  This speech below assumes people do not know he is batman, or that I am Moleculo.  Here is the speech I give:

For too long, there have been whispers and rumors in this town we need to put to rest once and for all.  Like all of you, I have heard too often that it was Bruce Wayne who killed his family.  Like many of you, I have seen evidence that looks incredibly damning.  It is true Bruce and I don’t get along professionally.  That doesn’t mean he killed his family.  Whatever happened long ago in that alley isn’t our business.  The past is the past.  We can not move forward by dwelling on the past.  Even if he did murder his family that night in cold blood as a child, the good work he has done for our community far outweighs it all.  I am also not going to bring up the stories of his father being a bagman for the mafia.  It is absurd.  Until someone can come forward with absolute proof, it is time we embrace Bruce Wayne and stop our silly gossiping.

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Push Polling – evil fun with politics

 

I want to talk to you about ‘Push Polling’.  It’s a political trick, and it works.  There is an off year election coming up, so I want you know these tricks.  People say ‘negative campaigning doesn’t work’.  They are wrong, it almost always works.  Push Polling is kinda awesome and brilliant.  It’s also wrong, really deeply morally wrong.

So, here is what Push Polling is.  Let’s say the candidate’s name is Lono.  Let’s say you are the opposition to Lono.  In this scenario, Lono is a Democrat and the opposition is a Republican.  It’s a fair generalization, as this tactic was pioneered by the GOP.  So, they call you and say “if I told you that Lono wanted to murder puppies who don’t pay taxes.  Is that something you would support?”

Now, this is nonsense.  However, now I have to answer questions about puppy murder.  Now the headline in the papers says “candidate Lono denies puppy murder”.  Now, when you type in ‘Lono’ in google, it will auto-complete ‘puppy murder’.  It’s fucked up, and it works.  Shit, just me writing this article will connect those words together.  That is why I use the pseudonym.

Hunter Thompson did this to great effect against Ed Muskie.  He thought it would be funny to spread a rumor that he was hooked on Ibogaine.  It was brilliant, and of course evil.  Most importantly, it worked.  Now this poor Muskie guy is defending himself against a totally fabricated claim.  In fact, when you Wiki ‘Ibogaine’, this scandal comes up.

While in Wisconsin covering the primary election for the United States presidential election of 1972, gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson submitted a satirical article to his editor at Rolling Stone accusing presidential nominee Edmund Muskie of being addicted to ibogaine. When Rolling Stonepublished the piece, many readers, and even other journalists, did not realize that Thompson’s assertion was facetious. The claim was completely unfounded, and Thompson was surprised that anyone believed it.[69]

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Friday Fives – New Years Revolutions edition

New Years Revolutions

You are president for a day.  You have an opportunity to lay out some new initiatives for the country.  Knowing that you have a combative congress (which is per design by the framers) but this is your chance to right some wrongs.  Whatcha thinking?


Gimme 5 initiatives and a quick few sentences on why.   GO!

1. Using your turn signal. 

It’s mandatory for everything that involves you turning.  Even if you are just turning in to your driveway.  Always use a turn signal.  What is the downside?  NONE.  It takes no effort, no energy, and no finite environmental resources.

If you are going to cut me off, just warn me.  Yes, even if you are in the left hand turn lane, turn your signal on.  Please.  Pretty please

 2. If your windshield wipers are on, so should be your headlights.

If I could hardwire this into cars, I would.  Every time we have a big snow storm, I see white sedans driving around in blizzard conditions with no lights on.  It makes them invisible.  Here is the deal, the headlights aren’t for you to see better… it is so we can see you.  Again, this takes no effort.

3. Solar panels – solar panels would be part of housing code.

Every new built house would need to average 5% of surface area of the roof fitted with solar panels.  See, we know solar works great, but it is super expensive.  How do you bring the cost down?  Economies of scale.  Once that building code was put in place, every business on earth would get into the solar business.  You would see more innovation and better pricing.

Yes, it would add to the cost of new houses, but not much.  Plus, it would create a shit ton of jobs and industry… which America needs.  I live in Denver, one of the sunniest cities in America.  They say we get more sunny days than Florida.  Why is my entire roof not covered in Solar Panels?  I’ll tell you why, it costs $5,000.  (I checked).  You get that on every single new house built and the costs would be more like $200.  And we give a warning.  Heck, I’ll give you 10 years to get your shit together, just like we did with the CAFE (car mileage) standards.  Until Obama, they hadn’t been updated in 45 years.

4. Congress would have to negotiate.

Right now, as every American knows, Congress gets nothing done.  Each side will vote against the other guys, no matter what the initiative was.  Heck, the GOP could open a bill called ‘puppies are great’ and the Dems would fight it.  So, for issues that are within a 20% potential majority, they are forced to negotiate.  What does this mean?  Old school thunder dome approach.  The lawmakers are sequestered in a hotel conference room.  No one leaves or goes home until an agreement is reached.  This is your job, and it’s what we pay you to do.  Wanna go home?  Need to pee?  Want to shower?  Not until we hammer out an agreement.

See, for some insane reason, Americans re-elect congress no matter what.  Find me one person who doesn’t think everyone in Congress is a crook.  Everyone hates them.  The data says 91% of Americans think Congress isn’t doing a goddamn thing.  Problem is, this is super duper fixable.  Vote someone else in, right?  I mean, that is democracy.  We don’t do that at all.  Last election (2012, where Obama was re-elected) 91% of Congress was re-elected.  Does this terrify you?  It should.

Can you tell me why 8 out of every 10 Americans thinks Congress should be fired, but then 9 out of that same 10 vote the same guys back in?  My theory remains this – voters think everyone in Congress is a crook… except their guy.  That is the only way to explain it.  Now, let me make another dog training analogy, because I LOVE analogies.  Really, I do.  For some reason, it seems the bulk of my reasoning process is all analogies.  So, here goes –

 Imagine every time your dog jumps on the counter.  Imagine each time that happens, you say “bad doggie, don’t do that” and then give him a piece of bacon.  Will the dog get off the counter?  No.  But, you told him he was a bad doggie.  Yes, you did tell him that.  BUT… what the dog sees is this – each time I jump on the counter, I get bacon.  Why do you keep giving Congress bacon?  Stop bitching and vote their asses out.  I don’t care what party you are, or they are.

 5. No more bill riders for spending.

A ‘rider’ is an initiative tacked on to another bill.  It is how big business and special interest sneak shit into law.  Remember that bill above, about ‘puppies are cute’.  I am going to pass that.  Then, Monsanto tacks a rider on that says genetically modified food does not have to be labeled.  They can make your corn in a lab instead of on a farm… and not even have to tell you.  Sound nuts?  Yeah, well it already happened.  There was some bill about recognizing farmers.  Yeah, the bill is called the ‘Farmers Assurance Act’.  That sounds great, right.  I mean, we need farmers.  Just kidding, Monsanto has decided we don’t.  they have labs instead. Monsanto got something tacked on to it known as the ‘Monsanto Protection Act’.

But… you thought you were voting on puppies being great, or farmers being heroes.  See, no one reads the fine print.  Each bill looks like a phone book, and it’s all in lawyer speak.  But… here is the super insidious part.  Lets say you caught this, and so you vote against it.  You know what they say come election time?  They say “Lono of Colorado voted AGAINST Americas farmers.”   Do you want to vote for a guy who hates farmers?

This is how the Patriot Act got passed.  It wasn’t printed until night before the vote.  This was a brilliant Rovian move.  There was literally not enough time to read it before the vote was do.  Who is going to vote against a bill called ‘the Patriot Act’ a month after 9/11?  No one.  You know how everyone is all up in arms about your cell phones being tracked by the NSA?  All that shit that Snowden leaked – it’s all legal, and it was all done in the Patriot Act.

The tragedy of Sept. 11 gave the impetus for the Patriot Act. It was introduced very soon after the attacks (around a month later), and it became law on October 26, 2001. In fact, there were only 48 hours between the introduction of the final draft of the Patriot Act and its passage into law. Many critics have observed that, in reality, 48 hours was much too short a time period to allow members of Congress to fully read and really understand the thing for which they would be voting. Some critics suspect that many members of Congress supported the bill without even having read it

Here is my point.  If you want a Monsanto Protection Act – fine.  But it has to be its own bill about nothing else.  You can’t tack it onto the puppies bill, or the ‘gee, I sure appreciate farmers’ bill.  It is also where money gets sneaked in.  See, the ‘Puppies act’ set aside 2 million for puppy appreciation and awareness.  But, the Monsanto part tacked on sets aside 2 BILLION*  for their own legal defense if they get sued for making poison food.

Of course, the puppy part is hyperbole (another specialty of mine) – but the Monsanto stuff all really happened.

Here is a specific and real example – in 1996 President Clinton signed the Telecommunications Act.  It was mostly good and useful and important stuff.  BUT… Clear Channel snuck in some scary verbiage.  There was a restriction on monopolies of media markets.  Meaning, the same company can’t own all the radio stations and news stations in town.  Guess what, that isn’t the law anymore.  So, Clear Channel could own the CBS, NBC, and ABC affiliate in your town.  Why bother changing channels, then?  Don’t believe me?  Look who owns the radio station you listen to.  They are ALL clear channel.  In Denver, they own

I hope you love Jack Johnson, because Clear Channel sure does… so that is all I have heard on Denver rock stations for the last ten years.  Radio sucks so bad that I busted the antenna on my truck a few years ago accidentally and never bothered to fix it.

For news outlets, there are some givens.  We know Fox is right wing, and MSNBC are lefties.  This is out in the open.  But, with the telecom act of 1996, they are just now unlocking monopoly opportunities in these markets.  It’s scary shit, and you would have NEVER known that in 1996.  They buried it in there, knowing they wouldn’t even touch it for 20 years.

Sound nuts?  it is, and it reaches far beyond radio stations. You can read more about it here, or here, or here.

They put useful stuff in there, too.  So, everyone voted for it.  For example, it used to be cable and satellite companies were not allowed to broadcast local stations.  Where I lived, there was no coverage over the air.  So, even though I was paying $120 a month, I couldn’t watch Seinfeld on TV without switching the antenna and getting those stupid rabbit ears out.  The telecom bill fixed that, and it was great for consumers.

* ok, full disclosure.  I totally made that 2 billion figure up about Monsanto.  I don’t know the real amount they gave themselves.  it’s too cloaked in legalese to ever know.

Jesus, that got a little preachy and out of hand, didn’t it?  I guess I have some issues pent up.  Just be glad Ticketbastard didn’t come up, or we would be here all day!

GOP dirty election tricks

I have been talking with a friend about my concern over the GOP.  Where is the election fraud, the bad boxes, the push polling, the mis-information and intimidation they are so famous for?  He argued that the GOP had thrown in the towel on this one, and were ready to cede to Obama. 

Oh no, I said.  These men are evil, and will never lose at any cost.  What is old Rove up to in his castle up there?  Well, turns out the same old shit.

Actually, this is kind of good news for me.  I was wondering where all the Rovian tricks were.  I knew they wouldn’t just give up.  So, by not playing the petty and racist game, I feared they had much bigger plans to steal the election.

 

Nope, they are still playing the petty misinformation game, which I think won’t work. Not surprisingly, every single reference is the GOP.   abc news reports:

 

In Nevada, for example, Latino voters said they had received calls from people describing themselves as Obama volunteers, urging them to cast their ballot over the phone.

 

In Colorado and Virginia, people reported receiving calls that told them their registrations had expired and they would be arrested if they showed up to vote.

 

African-American neighborhoods of Philadelphia where fliers have circulated, warning voters they could be arrested at the polls if they had unpaid parking tickets or if they had criminal convictions.

 

Ok, this next one is my favorite.  It almost sounds like a joke, but it most certainly is not.

 

Over the weekend in Virginia, bogus fliers with an authentic-looking commonwealth seal said fears of high voter turnout had prompted election officials to hold two elections — one on Tuesday for Republicans and another on Wednesday for Democrats.

The good news is that early voting is going to help alleviate a lot of this voter day fraud.  I know, for example, that in Colorado over 50% of the voters have already voted.  This is HUGE.  Why?  Because, normally only about 50% of the electorate vote at all.   Also, early voting numbers show that Obama is up by 19 percentage points.

Fatwa

Generally speaking, I am a very joyful person. You know that. I don’t have to tell you that. You may know that I am actually a Reverend. I have married people, and am actually marrying a couple this Friday. This piece, however, is not a joyful piece. It is petty and small, but needs to be said. First off, I am calling off my fatwa against the horrible monster of a human Robert Novak. He just announced he has brain cancer and then retired from writing immediately. A week before he ran over an elderly pedestrian in his sports car and didn’t even know it. Point made. Novak won’t be a problem anymore.

While these pages are meant to celebrate greatness in culture like Nelson Mandela, or myself… there are those who are enemies of goodness. Specifically, I want to highlight the worst person on earth. Rev. Fred Phelps. Look at that visage up top. That is what hate does to you.

Now, know that this has NOTHING to do with religion. True, I do have my beefs with religion… but this is not one. This is against Rev. Fred. Why do I hate Rev Fred? Why do I call for him to be struck dead? Why am I declaring a ‘fatwa’ against this douchebag. Tell you why; he is the ‘god hates fags’ guy. He doesn’t just believe that god hates gays, he believes (seriously) that now god hates EVERYONE because we tolerate gays. Yeah. wtf is that? This guy (and his church lemmings) goes to soldiers funerals with signs that says ‘god hates fags’. You ask, gay soldiers? No, ALL soldiers.

Like Falwell, this dingus believes god created war and the tragedies of Sept 11th to teach us a lesson about tolerance of gays. You probably think I am using hyperbole and exagerration to make a point. While that is often the case here, no. Dude’s church URL is actually this www.godhatesfags.com

There is no god who hates anyone. There is no decent or respectable church on earth that hates anyone. Anyone who delivers a message of anything other than tolerance and love is an abomination and he shall suffer. I will not rest until Rev Fred suffers the horrible injustice he has heaped onto American soldiers families by boycotting their funerals. In addition, with a bit of a psychology background… dude doth protest too much. Get it? Historically, any time someone comes up with that much anti-gay rage… they are gay. Ask Sen Craig, ask, Karl Rove, ask J Edgar Hoover, ask Ted Haggard. All great gays of history, and all famous gay haters.

God doesn’t hate fags, Rev. God doesn’t hate anyone. That’s not his deal. I don’t hate anyone either, except you. Ooooh, burn! Live with that, you old cracker! This is why Rev Fred Phelps is the worst human on earth. Yes, even worse than David Caruso.