Friday Fives – hemispheres, parietal lobes, and you!

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What makes it easy to talk to someone? 

 A commonality to spark the conversation.  “how is your arson coming along?”  or… “how are your indictments going?”

What percent of the day do you spend talking? 

A ton.  The nature of my job is customer service.  Plus, one must keep a marriage together when you have an awesome partner.  Womenfolk, as a rule, tend to not much favor the ole’ silence treatment.  No complaints, though.  Obviously, I love to talk… and am quite fond of my opinion… hence these websites.

Even better (per a discussion below) – I love to have my mind changed by new information.  In politicians, they call this ‘flip flopping’, which is stupid.  I am thrilled to have to adjust my worldview by finding out new information… it is why we are alive.

Allow me to give you an example on a hot button topic > guns.  I used to be anti-gun.  However, I ended up over time being surrounded by gun nuts.  Yes, I am freely using the term ‘nuts’, because the passion they have, I think, is frighteningly disproportionate and too dogmatic.

BUT… with my gun crazy friends, I have learned a lot.  First off, they all take safety WICKED seriously.  That impressed me, and it comforted me. Second?  Guns are SO much fun.  Don’t overlook that, ever.  THAT is why people love guns.  It ain’t the constitution,  and it ain’t about protecting your house.  It’s the amazing rush you get squeezing off a few rounds of a 44 magnum.  It is f’n amazing!  If y’all would just say that, instead of invoking 200 year old governance, we might respect you more.  Look at this!  Do you know what this is?  It is a goddamn hand orgasm.

Yes, your right to arm bears is from the constitution… sorta.  It’s just an amendment, so don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back, k?  Guess what else is in the constitution?  Slavery, and the banning of drinking.  Have you ever ONCE heard a drunk person say “I am not an alcoholic!  I am simply exercising my constitutional rights and access to the 21st amendment”.  See how dumb that sounds?  That is how all you gun nuts sound.

Proof that I am open minded about guns?  I have one.  This does not mean I am pro-gun, but at least I see both sides.  The difference between me and all your gun nut buddies is that I am not pretending to be preparing for the British or the Americans to come for your guns.

 Just say these words, America:  “I love guns.  They are crazy stupid awesome fun.  You would love guns too if you had as many as I do.  When I hold a gun, I feel like a god. Plus, it is an added bonus that having guns angers liberals.  But… really… mostly, I just like to blow shit up.”

In sum, I have changed my perspective on guns.  Not really gun people, but guns.  Guns are like pit bulls and Camaros and Judas Priest cassettes… the real danger isn’t the weapon itself, but the fucktard behind hit.

Who, in your opinion communicates better: men or women?

It’s a fact, women.  Here comes science > Between our two brain halves is a highway that connects the two.  It is the communication highway, and it is called the ‘Corpus Callosum’.  Women have bigger ones of those, so they are able to more easily access and execute conversation.  Left handed folk do as well.  Why do I know this off the top of my head?  I am an amateur, freelance, neurologist.  Plus, as a left handed American, I am always fascinated by the workings and differences of the right handed vs left handed.  Update on that:  apparently absolutely everything they taught us about being a lefty has been proven wrong, like:  stuttering, prone to alcoholism, being more creative, being ‘right’ brained (heuristic, idea based, thinking models, vs right handed people being ‘left’ brained, and prone to being more analytical.  Lefties die younger.  I have studied left handedness for about 20 years, and I have no clear answers for you.

I can tell you this, though, lefties are 10% of the population (same reported percentage as gay, interestingly)… of the last 5 presidents, 4 were lefties.  Yes, I do have theories as to why that is, but we need to move on. All this sinister talk is more than you can handle, clearly.


What topics do you avoid when talking to a stranger?

This is where I am supposed to say avoid talking about politics and religion, right?  Yeah, that ain’t me.  I love to talk about those things.  I think they are fascinating, and give me a quick cheat sheet as to how interesting or likable you may be, in sympathy to my world views.  That doesn’t work, of course.  I somehow keep getting drawn to friends who are righties.  Go figure!

For the record, I do not proselytize religion, ever.  Meaning, I am an atheist, and aspiring Buddhist.  However, I never have, and never would, go around telling people about the joy of no god… or how not having god can make you a better person.  Your religion isn’t my business.  BUT… I do find it fun to talk about.  So… if you bring it up… then we shall dive right in.  Comedian Adam Carolla once made a perfect proclamation about religion:  “it’s like your genitalia. It shouldn’t be out in public, and you shouldn’t shove it down your kids’ throats.

Do you like to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations?

Anyone who says they don’t is a damn dirty liar.  I do not make an active effort to eavesdrop, nor do I make said effort to avoid it.  Discretion needs to be on your end.  Before you have another public and expletive laden meltdown with your dbag boyfriend… find somewhere private.  No one wants to hear that shit, and every time we do, we lose a little respect for you.

Friday Fives – that was weird, wasn’t it?

Kermit's art 2015What moment made you think “fuck, I am weird!”?

Gosh, I don’t know. I am left handed, so that was a big part of it for two reasons. One is, my mind is wired differently. So, I have a pretty unique perspective on things. Second, everything in the physical world is fucked up and working against you. You don’t fit in school desks, you can’t write in a binder, scissors don’t work. The world is a cruel place for a left handed kid. I was literally born to be anti-establishment.

It has been said by many that everything in Australia is designed to kill you.  The weather, the plants, and animals.  As Mike Rowe put it “just a horrible place waiting to kill you”.   That is life as a left handed dude.

 The next big piece of my education of weirdness was art, through Kermit. Kermit was a close childhood buddy who was into all the cool shit. In high school, he turned me on to: Beatles White Album, Hunter s Thompson, Henry Miller, MC Escher, and Salvador Dali.  He even turned me on to the graphic novelGregory‘. He was the skeleton key to my awakening away from the square world. He was also, not surprisingly, an amazing artist. See that painting up there? He did that. Sorry it’s not a better quality replication. I just used my cell phone. Think that one is nice? Mikey D has one that blows this out of the water!

If there was a king of all the weirdos, who might it be?

I gotta go with Salvador Dali.  He was weird, sure.  Many folks are.  However, he made it a living.  It wasn’t just who he was, but the who he was to all outside appearances.  I can’t think of anyone who was so successful and tickled about their weirdness than Dali.  Well, maybe Andy Warhol… but he didn’t make anything lasting.  He was more John Waters weird (as a marketing angle) than fruit loops.  Dali was fruit loops, baby.

I mean… just look at this photo.  This is a real photo.  There are no tricks, illusions, or photo manipulation.  They this photo took dozens of hours to get the right shot.

The difference between Dali and a madman is that Dali is not mad – S Dali.

What’s the smallest thing that seems to piss you off that no else gets bothered by?

Well, I have talked about the turn signal thing. No sense rehashing that one. Another thing that drives me super nuts is watching people vote actively against their own interests. I would argue no state (well, besides Louisiana) has been more impacted by climate change than Kansas. We used to get our hay from Kansas. It has been SO dry there that now all the hay comes all the way from Canada. Yet… Kansas votes super Republican at all times… even though the GOP denies climate change. Plus, the senators from Kansas and Oklahoma are both working extremely hard to eliminate FEMA. Yet, those two states draw more from FEMA than all other states (almost combined).

It’s the tornadoes. So, this state really really really needs FEMA. Because of climate change, Kansas (and OK) have record tornado years… ever year.  Each year it only gets worse, and climatologists say this will continue.  Yet… these folks vote GOP literally at their own peril. It is so sociologically impossible to understand that it has spawned a movement. It’s called ‘what’s the matter with Kansas’. It is a study (and then a book, and then a movie) as to why Kansas folk aggressively shoot themselves in the foot by voting GOP. Short answer, (and I am dead serious)… it is because of the gays. That is why they all vote Republican. They are afraid of gays. Seriously, watch the documentary.

The state, as we all know, depends on agriculture for everything. They are losing the corn. They can’t make enough hay anymore. That isn’t liberal propaganda. Our hay guy is as right wing as you would guess a hay guy is. It KILLS him to drive all the to Canada for hay to sell in Colorado. It won’t get better, either.

Colorado briefly suffered with this. In the Northern Plains is a town called Greeley. The area around this is VERY heavily dependent on water for agriculture. They had a Congresslady named Marilyn Musgrave. Her one and only concern was stopping the gays. From what? We don’t know, but she was going to stop them.

She let her district languish over and over again. She could have been getting water protection passed, bail out money, protections from farmers against bad crop loans. She did not of that. NOTHING. It took a few election cycles, but the good folks of Greeley finally realized keeping jobs and houses was more important that whether or not there was gays next door. Musgrave never did figure that out, and got bounced. She spent every ounce of political capital and resources to fight gay issues.

       So, that drives me crazy.

What is a common phrase that you absolutely hate hearing?

 “It is what it is.” I get it, and I have had to say it. Sadly, it just means ‘fuck it. Why bother? Why even try?

What’s the dumbest product that made a fortune?

I think we can all look back and agree it was the pet rock. Wait… and bottled water. You know that bottled water is just tap water, right? Plus, you are destroying the oceans with those empty bottles.

Friday Fives – genetics edition

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1.  What did you lose the genetic lottery on?

omg, you name it.  Seriously, I am a compilation of shitty genetics.  No, a greatest hits.  I am a recessive gene party, and everyone’s invited.  left-handed, short, near-sighted, flat-footed, blue-eyed, balding.  If Mendel could see me he would cock punch me while Darwin held me town to make sure I don’t reproduce.

2.  On the contrary, what did you win in the genetic lottery?

well, given all things mentioned… I fared ok.  I am not bad-looking, above average intelligence, a stunning Napoleon complex, and a big… well… you know.  I ain’t gonna say it, though.  Trying to class the joint up, when I can.

3.  If you could click your fingers and instantly become the best in the world at one thing, what thing would you choose?

persuasiveness.  You didn’t see that coming, did you?  With that, I could do everything else.

4.  If there was a global contest, what would you be judged as the worst at?

ability to ‘let it go, man’.  However, I am working on that every day.  I remind myself to be Buddhist, and not get bogged down by attachment to issues and problems.
5.  What have you been blamed for that you never did?

couple things.  When I was 16, I worked at Jack in the Box.  I worked the register, which meant counting the till every night and reporting the take.  This was always compared by the manager to the register.  Generally, the goal was to be no more than a few bucks off.  One night, I came in $60 short.  This means, for all practical purposes, that I took the money.  The evidence is there.  They wrote up me up for it.  But I never took the money.

the other thing was tagging the school.  I was there, but did not participate.  Oh, there are plenty of horrible things I have done.  We don’t need to talk about those.  This is just stuff I didn’t do.  I swear to Jerry Garcia I didn’t do it.