Oh, Stevie

So, there is a big rumor that Lindsay Lohan is going to play Stevie Nicks in an upcoming biopic.  It’s a pretty solid rumor.   Know why?  It came from Lindsay Lohan.  Doesn’t seem like a bad fit.  They are both over-rated and under talented.  They both love blow.  They are both narcissists.  Fine, whatever.

Well, Stevie Nicks got wind of this and had a shit fit.  Yeah, dig this quote:

over my dead body

Why, Stevie?  What do you care?  This movie will make you cool again.  You can buy all new scarves and shit.  You might be able to do a single interview without having to talk about Lindsay (the real talent).  Wouldn’t this be good for Stevie?  Well, not in Stevie’s eyes.   Why?  Well, it appears Stevie feels Lindsay isn’t up to snuff.  Specifically >

She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip

See, Stevie is concerned that Lindsay would be an unfair representative of her, since Lindsay has been known to dig the coke.  Stevie says Lindsay is an unfit choice because her love of drugs.  Just want to make sure we are all on the same page here.   See, Stevie used to do drugs, too.  I mean… a LOT.  More than Elton John and Slash combined.  How much coke did Stevie do?  Well, lore has it that after Stevie’s septum collapsed from too much blow, she had an assistant whose job it was to blow cocaine up her asshole.

Read that again, because I ain’t typing it again.  How do you even do that? Scratch that, I don’t want to know.  What I do want to know is how in the world Stevie loves blow?  Her own words.  She speaks of her past wistfully:

Nicks has admitted, she took so much cocaine that “you could put a big gold ring through my septum”

I mean, who cares if Stevie did blow?  It isn’t my business.  Who cares if Lohan does blow?  It is also not my business.  However, as the voice of a generation, it does become my business when Stevie pulls a Slash*.

* ‘pulling a Slash’ – last year, for likely very good reason, Slash fired Scott Weiland for having a drug problem.  That is like Hitler accusing you of being an anti-semite.  That is like Liberace telling you not to ‘get all gay about it’.  That’s like David Caruso telling you to keep your sunglasses on.

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The Justice Files

This is a great story.  This is a story about a man who stole library books and got ten years in prison yesterday.  You are probably a law abiding person.  So, you may not know what the fair market value of a crime is regarding a prison sentence.  Generally, murder is about a ten year sentence.  Drugs are usually a few years.  DUI is a couple of weeks.

There are sentencing exceptions, though, to be sure.  How about the lady who murdered her husband.  It was pre-meditated, and she was convicted.  Guilty, guilty, and guilty of first degree murder.  Serious stuff, kids.  She served 67 days.  How about once hot starlet Lindsay Lohan.  On her second DUI, she got an aggravated DUI, was driving on a suspended license, and was in possession of cocaine.  This is also a great story.  She was all liquored and coked up and she stole a car to try and run down her assistant who was trying to quit.

Why was her assistant trying to quit?  Well, the rumor is her boss does coke and then tries to kill her.  She served 93 minutes on that sentence.  We should run a quick checklist, for those of you keeping score:  2nd DUI, suspended license, hijacked car, attempted vehicular assault, and coke.  93 minutes in jail.  I have done more time in jail for peeing on the side of the road.

So, those were known as the exceptions… until today.  A dude got caught checking out thousands of library books > then selling them.  Strangely, I am not troubled by this.  I am keenly aware we are a nation of jailers, and have more of our citizens in jail than any developed country.  I guess I just want you to have a blue print for the rules before you go out a’ crimin’.

• murder  > no biggie, 2 months jail
• aggravated DUI with narcotics > nuttin’, 2 hours jail
• not murdering your neighbor > biggie,   11 years jail*
• reselling library books > also a biggie, 10 years jail

So, the evidence would suggest that the penalties are steeper for not murdering your neighbor than actual murder.  This would be correct.  In fact, here is my point:

If you are going to steal some books, be sure to murder someone in the process.  Why?  Because, after you murder someone, they will ‘plea down’ the library charges for a guilty plea on the murder.  Then, if you did it (the murder)… you will only do two months.  However, if you didn’t… you are looking at 11 years in the big house.

How to read the news

In these days of Jayson Blair and that other guy who they made a movie about (ed. note: Stephen Glass) you can’t trust what you read in the media. With Black History Month upon us, it is important to know the white dominated media is sending a message of fear and consumerism… which are carefully linked. It’s totally true, this old hippie explained the whole thing to me one night when we were all on acid and it made sense.

That being said, you must learn to read between the lines. Here is an example: This is from today’s MSN.com

Lindsay Lohan was taken to a London hospital on Friday after an accident at singer Bryan Adams’ mansion, Access Hollywood has learned.

Lindsay was having tea after just getting out of the shower when she apparently dropped the ceramic teacup, which shattered and cut a gash on her shin.

The actress reportedly required 10 stitches but is now doing fine, according to her spokesperson.

If you believe a word of that, you are a tool. Lindsay was having tea after just getting out of the showed and dropped the ceramic cup which gashed her leg. There is so much I have a problem with here. First off, are they talking about Bryan Adams that Canadian hoser from the 80’s who sang ‘Summer of 69’? Dude is probably about 45 now, and Ms Lohan is 19. So, she shouldn’t be there. Second, what is she doing showering there? It’s not my business, but it is a bit creepy.

Here is where the lies start. Why do the mention the shower at all? It is as if to imply that she walked out of the shower nekkid onto a very slippery tile bathroom floor. At exactly this moment, someone handed her a scalding hot cup of tea. WTF? What is anyone doing in the bathroom with her, she is a child (an extremely sexy one, but a child nonetheless). Couldn’t the tea have waited until maybe she dried off and threw on a robe?

Me thinks something went down like this: Ms Lohan was all coked up after a three day bender and blacked out in the shower. As she fell, she knocked the soap dish loose in the shower which crashed down and sliced her leg. I have run the whole shower scenario fantasy/scenario through my head hundreds of times today (I mean, just for scientific accuracy) and the whole thing plays out well.