Friday Fives – quit yer job

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If you could quit your job and pursue your hobby full-time with financial security, what hobby would you pursue?

Writing.  I enjoy all writing.  Obviously, I prefer the kind of writing where I can inject my opinions, perspective, and humor.  However, I think I would even enjoy mindless drivel like writing for People magazine.  I mean, as a full time job?  Yeah, writing is great.  I do it anyway… why not get paid?

If you enjoy my writing, and I truly hope you do… here is some more.  There is this site we are on right now, of course – IamCorrect.com.  I also have a site that is just my music writing.  Quite pleased with myself, that url is Maybe I am Wrong.com  Get it?  On social and popular culture issues, I pretty much am confident that I am Correct.  Music, though, is subjective… so why be a dick about it?  I also used to write for Blogcritics, and have done a good little bit writing for various guitar magazines.

Oh, there is also my newest endeavor – Remember the 27.  This is a website specifically dedicated to looking at the phenom of rock stars dying at 27.  I assume you have heard of it… a freaky disproportionate amount of rock stars die at age 27.  It goes back to the 60s, with Brian Jones, PigPen, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Shannon Hoon, Bradley Nowell, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse… and on and on.  Oh… how about this, the original 27 club member – bluesman extraordinare >   Robert Johnson

What’s a hobby others have taken up that just baffles you?

Golf.  I am neither for it, nor against it.  I just don’t get it.

What was your’s father’s hobby? Is it relevant now?

Running.  No.  In fact, one of my favorite HST books (and the last long form book he ever wrote) is about running.  At the time, 1980, it was a hip new odd trend.  So… Rolling Stone sent Hunter to Hawaii too look at this phenomenon.  Side note – this very book is where I took my pen name, Lono, from.

What is your mother’s hobby? Is it relevant now?

tennis.  Yeah, still being played.  That sport is not lost on me, I think it’s terrific.  In fact, in case you are curious just exactly how incredibly Caucasian I am… when I was young… mom sent me to tennis camp at the nearby country club.  I don’t thinks that was so much to teach me strength and sportsmanship… but just to get me the hell out of the house during summer.   Well played, mother.  Well played.

What do you imagine your favorite superhero or celebrity’s favorite hobby is?  

Eddie Vedder?  I think we can safely assume he spends more time than he cares to admit googling me.

 

The Lono Travel Thai-aries® – Bangkok Red Light District

That picture is a bit much, isn’t it?  Well, jackass, you are the one who clicked on the link  to read about the Bangkok sex shows. 

First, start here

Second, I have gone ahead and given the travel thai-aries® it’s own page.  Look above, see the ‘what I am reading, about me… etc’, it is there.  This is if you want to skip over my usual brilliant blathering and get straight to the Thailand and Southeast Asia fun.

There are a lot of hyperlinks here, they are all safe to click on at work except for the very end.

This is a story about Pat Pong, the fabled Red Light District of Bangkok, Thailand. In order to discuss this adventure, there will be words and situations that may make you blush. So, if you are easily offended… then definitely read on – and stop being such a pussy about everything.

We knew our hotel was very close to the Red Light District, easily within walking distance. We knew this because every time we told a taxi or a tuk tuk driver where we were going (our hotel), they would say “Ah, you mean red light district. It’s ok with me. I take you there now.” This was actually helpful, as in the end we didn’t bother explaining our hotel.  We would just say ‘pat pong’.  No one believed us anyway about the hotel.

It is composed of about 3 small city blocks. It is sex clubs, supposedly… but we think it’s a myth, maybe. This area may have been notorious for sex, but in the last 20 years it is more notorious for scams. If you google the red light district (go ahead and do that at work, I dare ya!  Make sure it’s an image search) you will find stories of people getting shaken down, hustled, drugged, robbed… all kinds of nasty shit. The rule of thumb seems to be NEVER go into these clubs… and certainly never go in alone.

What they advertise isn’t sex. At least, not in the sense of a guy and girl getting is on. Though, that is likely available. Mostly what they offer is weird voyeur stuff. Most famous is the ‘ping pong show’. I’ll let Wiki take it from here.

The Ping pong show is a form of stage entertainment that takes place in strip clubs, most often in Thailand. The show consists of women using their pelvic muscles to either hold, eject, or blow objects from their vaginal cavity. Ping pong balls are the most iconic objects used, but others include long strings, whistles, pens, cigarettes, candles, darts, spinning tops, razor blades and chopsticks. Another activity is the shooting of goldfish into a bowl, or stuffing a rather large frog inside to see how long she can keep it in.

Yeah, there is a wiki page for that. Can you believe it? I was with my wife, so I don’t know how that colored my experience, but it didn’t seem to make them shy.  My wifey is awesome.  She was as curious about all this as I was.  Each bar has at least one guy out front approaching people. They show you a laminated menu with various sex acts to watch. Every store front/bar had the same menu. So, I am guessing there is a single owner over the whole thing. Problem is, you see, it seems no one ever gets to see the sex show. They lure you in, charge you a LOT, and then lure you in more… but the sex show never seems to happen, unless you have a ton of patience and money.  I am speaking anecdotally, as I never went in to the clubs.  There was a period after we had been drinking and I needed to pee so bad.  However, I knew if I used these clubs I would come out $300 poorer, and likely pregnant.  Of course, that is why we kept no more that about $20 in cash when we went out anywhere.

It seems no one ever sees the show, so we (the wifey and I) questioned if there even was a show. I named it the Great Pumpkin – talked about, promised, discussed, but never happens. Here is a shot of the menu. I would prefer to embed it below, but maybe you are at work.

This guy summed it up on Trip Advisor with many less words than me.

Patpong is two small narrow streets and is a red light zone.  Its safe enough, but if you venture inside some of the red light bars expect to get seriously ripped off, and the police won’t do much to help.

Oh, I forgot to mention this. Bangkok, and Thailand in general, is incredibly, and impressively, gay friendly. There is a whole other sex and class of people known as ‘lady boys’. Interesting article here. These are gay men with their male junk still in tact, yet they present themselves to society as women.  You often can’t tell if it is a boy or girl until they speak. The Pat Pong district had a whole gay section too. It not only included bars with men dancing out front in tighty whiteys that looked to be about 15 years old… but hair cut places. These were hair cut places specifically for gay men. It was to get the ‘gay cut’. You may think there is no such thing as a gay haircut, but you would be wrong. As Meese once said about pornography, I will say about gay hair. I can’t describe it, but I know it when I see it.

In closing, I got you something.  Since you came all this way, and stayed and read this far… I found a ping pong show for you.  Someone snuck a camera in, so the footage is grainy, but unmistakable.  I didn’t want to be a tease.  You came here for a ping pong show and you shall get one. The footage is interesting.  Maybe because I am happily married, or old, but there isn’t anything erotic about this… to me, anyway.  Needless to say, don’t watch this at work.

I have to say I had a lot of fun researching this post.

Lono Travel Thai-aires® – the Thai Massage

First, start here, please.

If you know about massages at all, you have heard of the vaunted ‘Thai massage’. You haven’t? Good news, I am here to tell you about it.

If you are a dude, odds are you have never gotten a massage. I know why. You may say that’s for chicks. Or, I don’t want a dude touching me. Whatever, I don’t want to hear your excuses because I know the real reason. You are afraid of massages because you may either: fart, or get a boner. These are very reasonable fears. I had them, until I finally got a massage. Now, I LOVE them, and get them often. I have never had a problem with either of the aforementioned threats. So, stop being a pussy and go get a message. It’s amazing.

With that being said, let’s talk about the ‘Thai massage’. It is a specific manner and technique of massage. It involves the masseuse using their entire body to contort your body.

 

To many people, my wife included, the Thai massage is a miraculous and happy and relaxing thing. However, if you are as broken as I am, not so much. Imagine this: imagine I made a bet with you. Let’s say that I bet you that Tony Romo will throw an interception in their upcoming title game that will cause them to lose the game. It’s an easy bet, he has done it 5 years in a row. You say he won’t. Let’s bet.

If I win, you have to get a torture massage. You get a massage from his guy, and it will be the most painful thing you have ever experienced. Like, water boarding type pain and fear. If you win, I buy you a happy sexy relaxy massage with candles and topless girls and one of them will give you the happy ending. And, they are playing your favorite CD and feeding you shrimp scampi in the meantime. That is if you win.

Now, what if I told you the outcome of both massages is exactly the same?

What if I told you will come out of the torture massage even happier than you would have been with busty mc handjob? THAT, my friends, is the essence of a Thai massage. It is very physical, and painful, and laughably awkward. When done right, though, it is insanely effective. The first people we went to were in Bangkok, and was recommend. That was a top dollar fancy schmancy place. For a full hour message, I paid upwards of $8. $10, with tip. Yeah, shit is cheap there, it’s awesome. I spend more than that here just on tips. She was able to finish by cracking my back. Since I have a chiropractor, I knew that was EXACTLY what I needed… especially after spending 2 days on a plane!

I went for 3 subsequent massages, and none were as good. Mostly, just painful.  How many swear words do you know?  Guess what?  After a proper Thai massage you will come up with a few more.  After a bad Thai massage?  Several more!  For the record, though, my wife loved them ALL. She is physically in superior shape. So, if you don’t have back problems like I do, go for it. Find a Thai masseuse. I would recommend, if possible, to do this in Thailand. While I am sure there are qualified people here, you would probably pay about $200. For that, you can almost fly to Thailand and get one there.