Friday Fives – Closet? You’ll LOVE it!

We have spent the last two weeks trying to discuss big issues of the day as part of black history month. Well, March is here, time to be a bit less serious.

What is the next big thing – the changer?

The future of everything is inductive charging. It exists now, but not nearly in the sense it will be soon. I think this entire decade will be remembered for only that. Inductive charging is electricity moving through the air by proximity. This 5 years ago the Palm Pre was doing this with their charging stone. Why this didn’t take over and become the default for all phones puzzles me. This is BIG. Like… inventing the internet big. Like… inventing electricity big. Did you see that picture above I linked to? See… that phone isn’t plugged in. It is just laying on the charger.

You know how there are plug in electric cars? Well, the near future is simply a mat you plug in… and drive the car over. No plugs or wires into the car. Look at this, and this. Why is this a big deal? Well… right now they can only move electricity a couple feet. However… they are getting further every day. The short term is that you have a mat on your counter that you plug in. When you get home, you set your phone and tablet and laptop on said pad… and they are now charging. This technology exists now, but for some reason it is barely being used.

One day soon, you will walk into your house and your phone is now charging. Same with your laptop. What else can we do with inductive charging? How about a TV with no cables or plugs.

What is big now that must, must, must just go away?

The ‘keep calm and ____ on’. It started long ago as a British military philosophy. Keep Calm and Carry On. A few years ago, it was co-opted by an urban hipster site ‘the Chive’. Near as I can tell, it is a site solely dedicated to girls in tight shirts and no bras on. This is pretty great, I admit. Problem is, everyone is using this stupid phrase. Example – in Walgreens today they were selling shirts that said ‘Keep Calm and Colorado on’.  I strongly dislike this.  It is overused, and doesn’t make a ton of sense.

What will probably go away but we will probably miss a lot upon its demise?

Lady Gaga.  Not that isn’t talented.  She is mad talented.  She writes all this stuff herself.  She is over exposed, though (NSFW).  She needs to go underground soon before we get to sick of her.  It worked for Eddie Vedder and Alanis Morrissette.  Same thing with Bieber, really.

 What was a prominent thing in your childhood that you rarely see or hear about anymore?

There are a few house innovations that were HUGE in the 80s… and disappeared since then. I want them back. Trash Compactors, and dust busters. They were all the rage, and every self respecting white person owned both.

You’ve just won an insane amount of money but you can only spend it on things that start with the same letter as the first letter in your name. What does your life look like?

uh… kale? Kumquats? Oh man, this is the worst lottery win ever.

Friday Fives – grownup-ness edition

What was your worst attempt at hitting on someone that actually worked?

Lets say I had a great move or line.  Let’s say it’s so great it helped me bag the love of my life.  Now why I would give that away?

What is the most shitty thing about becoming an adult?

The in-escapability of work.  You have to work.  Always, for the rest of your life.  It’s not that I don’t like work, or that I am looking for a way out.  Sometimes, though, it just feels like a trap.

Especially since I have an awesome life.  Great job, great home, great car.  Truly, I live the American dream.  All that came from work, and to keep it means I will work every day for the rest of my life.

However, all of this has taught me the value of work.  I used to work as a fraud investigator.  You would be amazed how hard people work to not work.  Meaning, I watching criminals who were incredibly smart and worked incredibly hard to work around the social contract to make money… to never have to ‘work’.  Yet, these people are working crazy hard… AND having to look over their shoulders and will eventually lose it all.  If these guys worked half as hard at a legitimate job, they could have been very successful.

Conan and Andy have a bit: What is a sentence never spoken before.  What could you contribute?

Well, Apple, you sure made that process easy and transparent

You just won $200 million in the lottery.  Now what?

Lawyer up.

What’s an irrational fear you’ve had since childhood that you still haven’t grown out of as an adult?

I think all my fears are rational.  Well, spiders.  I fear and dislike spiders more than is probably necessary.

Friday Fives

1.  What would you do if you won a million dollars?

not quit my job, that’s for sure.  Taxes is going to take about half.  You go back to work the next day.   Pay off your car loan.  Pay off my car loan.  Go back to work.

2.  How about 5 million?

we are getting closer to the no workie number, but this isn’t it.  Maybe quit my job and travel for a few months.  Then, find a better job.

3.  How about one hundred million?

Ok, you got me.  I have now quit.  I would take care of any finance stuff, and do so for the family.   Then, I would buy property in Florida.  Why?  Because Florida has this really weird law where you can’t lose your house in a lawsuit.  That is why OJ Simpson moved there.  It was the only place the Goldman family couldn’t touch him with the millions lawsuit they won against him.  So, no matter how things get in 20 years (do the research, winning the lottery is a curse on the people who have won)… I will have a home.

now, after some travel and a few unnecessary purchases like a convertible and a jeep and a new truck for Arne whether he wants it or not… i would like to set up a foundation that does good and work for it full time, like what Bill Gates and Bill Clinton do for a living.

oh, and I would get me one of those fancy touch screen phones.  Oh, and flat screen high def tvs in every room… especially the shitter.  Oh, and in my bathroom, I would have a urinal.  Oh, and I would retrofit a new closet just for me with washer and dryer in it.  No more schlepping up and down two flights of stairs.

You say, but Lono… you could pay people to do your laundry.  I don’t want that.  I just want the laundry machines to be in a practical location.  Oh, you know what else I would do?  I would buy even more weather stations.  I would have one upstairs, and in my truck, and one at my desk at work too.

lastly, guitars.  I am absolutely nuts about guitars.  I am becoming a collector (have ten, currently) and will spend the rest of my life collecting them.  I love to play them, clean them, string them, photograph them, and make sweet sweet love to them.  I mean, look at these photos.  this is art, folks.  Look at Jerry Garcia’s last few guitars (Tiger, and RosebudWolf doesn’t do anything for me), hand made for him.  I would put these up against anything in the Louvre.

4.  how about the babe lottery?  Angelina Jolie or Jenn Aniston?

Jennifer Aniston, no question.  Not even a hesitation.  She is not just incredibly beautiful, but she isn’t a home wrecker.  Jolie also seems crazy, when not breaking up marriages for her flings.  That may have been sexy cool when I was 20, but now I don’t want that drama.  I am happy to report that I am finally over my Madonna crush.  It took a long time, I admit that.

I mean, it’s not like a have a list.  that’s childish, and I am very happily married.  However, if I did (and I so do not).  It might look like this (in no order)

Jennifer Aniston

Laura San Giacomo

Courtney Love (I know she is a psycho douchebag, but she is hot)

Kathy Sabine (local weather personality.  she was at the table next to me once at a red robin and she was more stunning in person.  The wife was not amused.)

Giada from Food network

Jennifer Connelly

5.  really?

yeah. really.

Regarding tonight’s Lotto drawing

Wow! I mean, wow. I have a lot of apologizing to do.

First let me state that I did not win Powerball tonight, despite that many calls to your cell phone implying otherwise… but that isn’t why I am writing. I am writing because I feel I handled things poorly. Turns out the numbers by buddy Larry gave me earlier were not the winning numbers, and I am not the proud owner of a 340 million dollar winning ticket. That being said… I want you to know that I value each and every one of you. Specifically, though, there is some stuff I need to clear up.

To my friends: You are not abhorrent dickwads, nor the mayor of jerktown (population you). That was a census error on my part, for which I accept full responsibility. Your woman is not a fat pig, nor are your children untalented and unbearable no talent ass clowns. This was a temporary lapse in judgement which we have all faltered from.

To my work: I do not quit, and you do not have to go fuck yourselves. That was a lot of caffeine and sugar talking. I did not key your cars, nor did I shit in your briefcases… as was previously (erroneously) reported. I value both you and my job and ask you to take me back. Please!

To my wife: You are not a gold digging whore who has seen the last of this sweet sweet ass. I handled that poorly, and beg of you to let me come back home. Please know that you are number one in my life, and had I won I would have absolutely shared every penny with you. Besides, my lawyer says you would have taken half anyway.

To my lawyer: I have only known you for about four hours, so it’s not like we were close. Also, technically you were on ‘retainer’, right? Thing is, I didn’t win the lottery and do not need the following services that I so desperately requested ealier: a divorce, an emancipation from my family, diplomatic immunity, quit claim deed to my house and truck, a safe deposit box under the name Archibald Leesh in Acapulco, 300 million dollars in non transferable Swiss francs. Really, there wasn’t much of that you probably got done in four hours… and I only actually have $38 currently in my account.

To my peers at work: You need not ‘suck it‘. That was taken out of context and frankly at least half my fault. Regardless of what I said, I have always liked you and have not slept with hardly any of your spouses recently.

To that cop: I have never hit a cop before. That is not my style, and I pray the court for lenience. It was bad judgement on my part, and probably not nearly as funny as it seemed at the time.   That being said, it was pretty awesome.  I mean, don’t hit a cop.  If you do, though, hit him really hard… it’s rather cathartic.