Friday Fives – school yard edition

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Tell us about your first fashion crisis. 

Not something I thought we were going to talk about here.  This question, America, is why it should be abundantly clear I do not write these questions.  I have, of course, but 90% of the time they come from my editor and mentor, Roy.  Sorry, back to our question.  When I was in kindergarten, I remember very little.  BUT, I remember ‘Western Day’.  We were to dress up in fun cowboys ways.  One of my big brother’s (the dumb one, not the ugly one) had some cowboy boots.  Both brothers are about 5 years older, so the boots did not fit.  That had NO bearing on my decision…  I was going to wear those fucking boots!  So, I spent the day at school falling out of my shoes and probably looking dumb.   Obviously, it didn’t go terribly well… as it is literally my only memory from back then.

I smile as I look back, but that is also because I had all my classmates murdered since then.  Well, except the Az Monkey Boy.  He even knows about the library book incident… which assures he will be dead.

What is your earliest memory of recess?

Fun, playing, running, football.  I was an athletic kid, so recess was the best.  I mean, what’s not to love?  You aren’t in class?  Was I supposed to say how lonely I was?  Am I supposed to say this is when I was afraid to go play because of the bullies?  Is this where I tell you about the incident with the PE teacher who got a little handsy?  No sir.  My childhood was AMAZING.

Can I tell you something that no one will even talk about?  In middle school (so I am about 12, and this is about 1984) our favorite game was called ‘smear the queer’.  Note, this had NOTHING to do with anyone’s sexuality.  It also had NOTHING to do with bullying… because everyone who played was self selecting.  We all voluntarily went out to the field and played.  Perhaps you are not familiar with the game.  You have about 10 or 20 boys, and a nerf football.  Whomever has the football, everyone else chases and tries to tackle.  He is, you see, the ‘queer’.  When he could not longer handle the heat, he would throw the ball away.  Now, he is instantly safe and no one cares.  All eyes are on the next fool who grabbed the ball (voluntarily).  It was silly fun, and tons of exercise.  That is it.  I am sure kids were bullied.  I was not bullied (well… much.  I was a spindly as kid with a loud mouth.  I made things kinda tough on myself), nor did I bully… or see bullying.

OR… maybe I did, and was, and am… and just repressed it.

I want to clarify another thing.  Growing up, we used the term ‘gay’ a lot.  It had nothing to do with sexuality.  Obviously, it is a mean and unnecessary descriptor, and I no longer use it.  However, then (if not now, I don’t know) it simply meant ‘lame’.  Understandably, I don’t use that term anymore.  That word is off limits, which is (frankly)… gay!

*** so, all this ‘gay’, ‘homo’, and ‘queer’ stuff is innocent fun, right?  No it is not.  How would a young 10 year old kid feel who was gay hearing these words and terms thrown around?  He would be terrified, and likely ashamed.  THAT is why we don’t like that anymore.  Well… I don’t.  Those homos in 6th grade probably still do.  Barbarians!

Tell us about your first driver’s test. 

You won’t like this.  It was SO easy and SO awesome.  In short, I got my license without ever taking the test.  In high school, I got to participate in an after school program called ‘Behind the Wheel’.  It was something my parents wonderfully paid for, so I could learn to drive.  2 or 3 days a week, after school, I got driving lessons.  It was a single adult teacher, and 3 to 4 students.  We would take turns driving.  I don’t remember how long this was for, but when it came time to get my driver’s license… I had a pass.  Literally, I was given a certificate from this program and I handed it in and got my license.  I don’t even remember if I took the written test, but I know I didn’t have to take the driving test.

Funny consequence about that:  I never learned how to parallel park.  Seriously, I STILL can not parallel park.  I haven’t had to.  I didn’t drive back East, where you have to parallel park daily.  Plus, 90% of my driving experience has been in trucks.  You don’t have to parallel park

Tell us about your oddest family relative

Believe it or not, and I understand if you don’t… I can’t think of one.  On top of that, I would not be surprised if anyone else in my family named me.  I am fine with that.

Tell us about the first time you got into trouble in school.

No.

 

Friday Fives- just a bunch more of my nonsense

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What are your scariest/most traumatic stories from your childhood?

Falling and cracking my forehead open, multiple times.  One of the times, not sure which, I remember driving in my mom’s car holding a bloody towel to my head to stem the considerable blood flow.  That kinda freaked me out. I was like 6 or 5 or 8 or something like that.  Pretty traumatic, thanks for bringing that horrible memory back up.  Just when I was moving on with my life.

What’s your completely ridiculous and stupid suggestion for solving a big problem?

Turn signals.  Use your turn signals.  Always, for everything.  Even if you are just pulling into your driveway.  Especially if you are in a parking lot.  Not sure to use it, then use it!  It costs you nothing, it takes no time or effort.  Are you going to cut me off in traffic?  At least warn me.

What’s the most inefficient way you’ve ever seen anyone do something?

starting a fire with kindling and newspaper and all that.  Yes, I get it… it is a primeval man skill, and an art, and all that jazz.  I know you can build a fire, so can everyone else who is over 12.  Do yourself a favor, use a Duraflame log.  Camping, home… wherever.  They are cheap, about a buck a piece if you go generic.  Put that on the bottom, now build your fire out as you would.  Light the duraflame and sit back and have a beer.

What drink is outrageously underrated?

The Roger Bottoms®!  You haven’t heard of it because it was invented by my editor, and named by me.  Well, maybe it existed, but we named it.  It is a glass of Guinness with about a shot of two of Port wine. It is transcendent.  You are welcome, America!

What skill do you plan on picking up for 2016?

Arson. Flexibility.

 

Friday Fives – ridiculous randomness

What is something you’ve always wanted to do, but feel discouraged because of Nicolas Cage?

Easy. You know how we are always talking about getting an original copy of the Magna Carta? You know how we always lamented that the documents sits in stuffy museums, guarded by big Document, and the big Document lobby. It belongs to the people, man.  All Power to the People.

We show up to the location where an original is being stored. For a myriad of security reasons, I can’t tell you where it is. Anyhow, we showed up with our most excellent plan.  The usual crew:  Mickey, Legs, El Deuce, Mr Pink, and Tiny.  Due to the success of the Cage movies, though, security had been tripled. Do you know what laser diametrics are? Of course you don’t. If you don’t know anything about laser diametric security, you sure as shit aren’t getting an original of the Magna Carta.

I could get into a LOT of trouble for this, but the people need to know.  Here is the original first draft.  This isn’t a joke, people.  This is about the enslavement of the Magna people, by the Carta regime.  At least, I am pretty sure it’s something like that.  Details aren’t my thing.

Did you know the original Carta was written entirely in piglatin, in crayons?  It was for security reasons.  This is just a small taste of what big Document has been hiding from us all these years.  Also lesser known, it was written on tupperware.  Fact!  It’s the origin of the term ‘an army marches on its stomach’.

Luckily, my crew and I well schooled in both laser diametrics, audioplasty recognition replacement, AND full hologram deterrence. Here is what we didn’t count on. Nicholas Coppola motherfucking Cage his goddamn self. Do to the fact that he has spent all of his money on castles and dragon bones… he is broke. Dude is working at the museum guard there. He tried to play it off cool, said he was researching a role. Then he asked if he could have a bite of my sammich, and his manager came out and yelled at him… and us. He kept asking us if we knew Jason Statham.

Heist thwarted… again. Thanks Nic Cage.

If you get into a heated argument with one of your neighbors, and you accidentally hit them over the head with your shovel and knocked them unconscious, would it be OK to borrow their power hedge trimmer while they are passed out? (Asking for a friend)

Assuming you are returning it in better shape, of course. I mean, fix it up a little. Look at it, he hasn’t oiled in ever, and the blades are all loose. This thing is going to kill someone. Plus, I am making the entire neighborhood nicer. With this baby, I can finally finish my lawn sculpture – Nicholas Cage, America’s treasure… in the nude.

Best eight-legged creature? [defend]

  • Octopus
  • Squid
  • Spider
  • Cuttlefish
  • Led Zeppelin, 1975

Easy. Octopus. Those little monsters can change color. Look at this clip. You could be in the water surrounded by them and have no idea. All of the sudden – BAM. There they are. Bonus, if we are to go deep into Ringo’s entire cannon of Beatle work, this is some of his finest.

Zeppelin 75 is a very good choice, though.  This is Physical Graffiti era, where they were absolutely peaking on every level.  At this moment, they are the biggest band on earth, and rightfully so.  I don’t know what cuttlefish, but if this is going where I think it is… remember I am happily married.

What is your entrance music?

This song. This song is SO good. Or this song. Maybe this one.

What was your favorite school lunch day?

Tacos. You can’t screw up tacos. You would think the same with pizza, right? My lord did they ruin pizza. Look at this stuff. You have to cook with love and intent…. Every time. Tita taught us that in ‘like water for chocolate’. This pizza was always made by people who had just given up on every level. I think we might all be like that after cooking slop for ungrateful little bastards all day long for 30 years.

*** regarding Laser Diamtrics – yes, Majikwah.  We are running all fives, finally!

Friday Fives – roy kills off our protagonist?

1.  If you were to open a store or a boutique, what would you sell, what would the shop be like?

I would love a book store or used cd store.  However, I am such a fan and a collector I could never part with anything.  People would bring stuff to the counter and I would be talking them out of it, so I didn’t have to part with it.  Same with guitars.  I know that is kinda dodging the question, but I am not a fan of the question.  So, to myself, I have rationalized my shit answer.  Clever, huh?

How about guitars?  Yummy.

2.  You won a lifetime supply of the last thing you purchased! What do you get, and are you happy with it?

I’ll give you the last two things I bought, how about that?  Two things ago was a can of hazelnut chocolate Pirouettes from Whole Foods.  These are the BOMB.  They looked, and tasted, just like these.  So… pile them on and I am cool with that.

The last thing I truly bought was a slice of pizza with my editor, believe it or not.  The guy who writes these questions and turned me on to blogging.  We caught up with each other for a bite and some great conversation.  It was Anthony’s.  So, yeah… you can smother me in NY style pizza for sure.

3.  What is a fad that diet off that you still participate in?

low/no carb.  Made famous and popular about ten years ago with the Adkins diet and the Suzanna Somers diet.  They are both low/no carb.  However, there are some key nutritive differences between the two.  The Atkins diet is simply a way for you to rationalize to your wife why you eat so much bacon.  The Suzanne Somers is for neurotic types who don’t believe in shit like science… and get their health advice from talk shows, and Jenny McCarthy.  100% of these participants (myself excluded, i swear) have celtic-y looking tramp stamps.   Prolly a dolphin on their ankle, too.   In short, it works.  Most or all carbs are basic sugars.  If you aren’t working your ass off, your body converts them to fat for storage at a later date.  Awesome if you are fighting dinosaurs, not to awesome if you are a cubicle monkey.

Oh, and I know this is super obvious, but it can’t be said enough.  Nothing will ever replace eating healthily, moderately, and exerising.  No pill or patch will fix that.  Well, unless the patch goes over your mouth.

4.  Has anyone ever tried to intentionally kill you?

not to my knowledge.  Is there a round about way you are trying to tell me something?  Listen, Roy, it wasn’t my plan to leave Sprint.  It was certainly never anything against you. It was a leadership decision, and in NO way is related to my restraining order.  We can work this out, right?  Jesus, don’t kill my birds.  It’s all I care about.

5.  How long have we left until the Robot Overlords take over the world?

        13 days and roughly as many hours.

the Friday Fives seem to enjoy every sandwhich

 

1. What would you write in a fortune cookie?

All jests are half truths

2. What would you write in your yearbook today if the had the chance – back then?

that is worded poorly, and I am not sure I understand it.  I am going to shoot for the spirit of the question… at least what I think it is.  I would use Warren Zevon’s last words… “enjoy every sandwich”.  Are there any better last words than that?  The answer is no.  Except for, of course – Mayonnaise

3. What’s a word you think everyone should know and what do they mean?

if you have been reading this blog for a bit, you should know my answer already – schadenfreude

4.  In five words less what would be your best advice?

well, wouldn’t either 1 or 2 above answer that?  You are doing terrible at asking questions.  However, again – in the spirit in which I think the question was meant – I gotta go with Joseph Campbell – Follow your Bliss

5.  Using only 3 words, how would you describe your week?

crazy super productive



Friday Fives – bar and restuarant edition

What is your “If I had a restaurant” idea?

Oh man, I am SO glad you asked. I was just telling someone about it the other day. I work in a business park. About 1,000 people in our building. I a surrounded by same. Probably about 20 buildings within a mile that probably average about 800 people each.

So, by that math, you have 16,000 cubicle monkeys like me.   They all need to eat. AND… there are no restaurants close by. Worse, the closest ones are at the mall, which is a traffic nightmare. So, if there were to be a restaurant within walking distance… it would KILL, right? I mean, you have a target demographic of 16,000 potential customers. Plus, in today’s commerce world, Monday –Friday 9-5 doesn’t exist anymore. The economy is global, and around the clock… so are these centers… and so would be my customers.

Now, here is where it gets weird. There is a restaurant in there. Really close. Always has been. It is always empty. How? Why? Because it sucks ass. The service sucks, the food sucks, the ambiance sucks. In 16 years in the business park, I have been there twice. It sucked both times, so I never go back. Neither does anyone. Ever. I mean, you could serve spinach pie*** and nothing else and still have a line around the block. See, the mall is so congested with traffic you can’t get in there, eat, and be back in an hour.   So, in absolutely every sense, this place has a monopoly on a HUGE business park in the 7th richest county in the United States.

Now, I don’t wanna name names, but the place is called Sun Café. Here is what I would do. I would get someone who knows how to cook and run a restaurant. I can not only do neither, I have no interest in doing either.

But we could make a trillion bucks. I would change the name. Then, most importantly, I would put up a huge ass banner that says ‘under new management’.   Then… print up 16,000 menus. I would drop them off in every office lobby. I would stamp all over it “Lono’s****. In the old Sun Café location. Under new management, and new menu. Stop in for 20% for your first visit.”

As for the menu, I don’t even care. I also don’t care what the name is. I have a very good friend who is a restaurant genius. I would let him run everything. It would be simple and tasty. Every day would have the $5 deal. Maybe a small sammich, a trip to salad bar, and a medium fountain soda. Can we do that for $5? Shit if I know. That’s up to Carlos to manage.

Heck, I would keep my office job and stay completely out of it. What do they call that, silent owner? Silent partner? That’s me. Well, I mean… sure I might meddle a tiny bit over menu, name, décor, pricing, seating, music choices. You know, second guess everything he does… like a good silent partner from TV shows. Just kidding, Carlos is an executive chef and insanely likeable. We would get so stupid rich I could outsource this blog nonsense and get back to my true love and passion – blogging.

Billions, Jerry, billions!  Know what else I would do?  I would buy out Carlos.  That guy is a tyrant.  He is trying to control the menu, the pricing, even the name.   Wtf?

Plus, at this new restaurant, we finally got our liquor license. Friday nights is live music. Specifically, Carlos and I. We have been playing guitar together on and off for about 20 years. Don’t worry, it’s good music. Us two on acoustics out on the patio.

And you? You sit there after work and have a couple beers and smoke a half a pack of smokes. Why? Because you lied and told your wife you were stuck working late, and she also doesn’t know you smoke. Oh, and no getting drunk at lunch, you losers. I am not even selling alcohol until like 4 pm or something. Why? Because ‘just one beer at lunch’ turns in to 4. I am trying to save your job here.  It’s not me just being nice and responsible on your behalf.  If, and when, they fire you… that is one less customer for us.

Come to think of it, how does that place make rent? I mean, this is an expensive business park and the exact same restaurant has been there for the 16 years I have been there.  Oh, and don’t think I don’t see that smug look on your face.  You are thinking “well, if they have been there for 16 years then they are obviously pretty successful.  Especially in such a competetive and brutal world of restuaranting.  Is that a word?    Maybe they the got the building free?  You don’t know.  Point being, don’t ever correct me in front of the blog again.  It’s emasculating for both of us.  Well, mostly me.

What are your best bar name ideas?

I don’t much care about bar names. I like the punny ones, though. However, it doesn’t mean I would or would go there. A great or terrible name wouldn’t make my business. The “Stagger Inn” or the “Sail In”… stuff like that tickles me.

OOOHHH wait. I know what I would never ever name it. Stallions! Allow me to explain. There is this super cool building that changes hands a LOT. I was fond of it when it was called Bahama Breeze. I mean, the coolest building. A whole courtyard built around a beautiful fountain, great live acoustic music… basically the ideas I have for our restaurant. As I said, it changes hands a lot. Probably because it lies behind the evil mall I mentioned above. Anyway, one of the names it had as it changed hands was ‘Stallions’. It wasn’t a strip bar, or a gay bar. Also, can I say for the record I am not anti-gay. I am super pro gay. I hope to get into gay marriage officiating as soon as Colorado gets their shit together. So, its not that I won’t go to the place because their might be gays. Actually, last few gay bars I have been to have been awesome fun.

But the name – Stallions? At what point in time was that ever a good idea? Especially if you are trying to lure people from a business park.  Imagine you went out after work and had a great time.  an EPIC time.  Like, I am so glad we took a taxi home because I don’t even remember anything after Andrew got kicked out.   So, you wake up, all hung over.  In your pockets is 3 single bills, a crushed half pack of Camels (seriously, why do they even sell soft packs?) and a book of matches.  The book of matches says ‘Stallions’.  At that moment, you must think “oh my god, what happened last night” and try and deconstruct it a la the Hangover.

Where/what is the best bar you have been too?

The one we were just at last weekend in Parker was great. Great service and food. Local beers. And even better, the small differences. Great local band who just killed it. Plus, they had a patio with chairs and a fireplace for smokers. SO smart. Everyone, even the surgeon general, smokes when they drink. Usually, we are all relegated to literally standing in the parking lot to smoke, or out back in an alley by the dumpster. In fact, now that I think of it, their smoking area has a roof! Pretty damn handy in Colorado.  I hate how almost all bars disregard smokers.  Also, they all put the music SO loud you can’t chat.  Not this place.  Oh, and they had this.  In the bathroom, they had a big ass chalkboard over the urinals.  So, you could write or read zany things.  It sounds silly to describe a bar this way, but everything about the place is thoughtful.  It’s like they went to every bar and said ‘what do you love about this place, and what do you hate about this place’ and then incorporated it into their bar.

On top of that, when you are out in the parking lot or the alley having a smoke, you can’t bring your drink.  I get that, and agree with it.  But, if you wanted me to stand outside in the cold for a smoke so I could actually have a conversation, and I also don’t have a drink in my hand… why am I coming to your establishment?  ALL bars should have a patio, if they are savvy.  The pot smokers could go out there, too.   See, when you are in a sanctioned  bar patio… you can drink!  This means they can sell more alcohol.  It’s a win win!

Even better than that, they have Skeet ball! Or, is it skee ball? You know, the rolly ball thing up the ramp into the little holes. Here is a picture. Anyhow, I played that for hours the other night. Instant fun and childhood memories. Lemme find the name, I want to give them mad props. It’s also not a chain.   This is super important to me, to support local business. Ok, found it. They are called ’20 Mile Taphouse’, and even their website is cool. Give them your business when you are down here in south, south Denver.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink recipe?

It just may be on you, Majikwah.  You turned me on to it several years ago. It sounds strange, but it is majik. It’s a Guinness, with about 25% Port Wine. Initially, it didn’t have a name, but one night we (and by ‘we’ I mean ‘I’) named it. It is now called the Roger Bottoms. I told that story somewhere here before. Lemme see if I can find it.  Found it.  Not much more than right here, though.  Sorry.

What is one cool bar trick you know?

How to make a Corona bottle, that one right there in your hand (to prove it isn’t a special or rigged bottle) and get it to stick to that wall.  Mine version is more compelling than this guys, and it doesn’t have to be a corner.  The one thing it does have to be is someone else’s house.  This trick, to work, kinda fucks up the paint.  That is the only reason you have to use a clear bottle.  Then, the damage is pretty negligible.  Better yet, go to Stallions, and do it there.

 

footnotes

*** Spinach Pie –  It is a reference to one of my favorite new jokes.  Grab me a guitar and a few beers and I’ll tell you sometime.

**** call it Lono’s – I don’t care what you call it.  Honesly.  Call it ‘Lono is a bitter little man with a mild Napoleonic complex.  Whatevs.  Carlos can name it, since he is running it.  Just don’t call it Stallions.

***** if you have paid attention, you saw a lot of easter eggs about Funugys.  It’s a soul-less bar in Parker that has come to represent everything I hate about most bars.  The worst part being the music in there, just a satellite station, not a live band, is so fucking loud last time we were there we had to pass notes to chat.  Bonus content, this little rant… this is from the front door of Funugys.  To be fair, though, they have better bar food than any restaurant in town.  In fact, to call it ‘bar food’ is to belittle it.  It’s just really great food.  It’s too bad it is such a shitty, loud, tacky, and corporate chain feeling that I always get the food to go.  If I want to scream at someone, I can just go home to the wife.  🙂   She doesn’t read this, does she?

Friday Fives

 

 

1. Is it clothes then soap then water, soap and water followed by clothes or soap followed by clothes then the water?

Let’s assume you are talking about the laundry?  Clothes first.  then, I turn the machine one and add soap as it fills.

2. What is your favorite/most creative use of a swear word you’ve ever heard?

I remember meeting the word ‘fucko’.  I was visiting my wonderful friend Matt Flugger in Boston a long time ago… probably almost 20 years.  This is how long ago:  he had a cd player in his car, and it blew our minds.  I had never heard it, and he used it a bit.  I was quite taken.  Remember that ‘Always Sunny’ with the word ‘jabroni’?  They didn’t know what it meant, but they loved the sound of it.  So, for the rest of the show, everyone was a jabroni.  It’s like that.
3. If you could create a reality TV show, what would you do?

I think they did that with the repo show.  There might be several, but I think repossessing cars is about the most interesting and cool and dangerous and mean and dumb and awesome things you can do.  So glad someone followed them around with a camera crew.  Can’t say I got anything better than that.  Maybe my band.  You would have to edit down a LOT – but follow the process and discussions and passion and music and boredom and frustrations of being in a rock band.  Ok, that was 2 run on sentences in a row, I gotta walk away from this one.
4. What invention would you take back in time?

So, if I am going back to when?  Because my editor, Majikwah, did not specify… I shall create one.  Let’s say I am going back to when I am a wee kid.  Now, to say I would bring back the internet… too obvious.  Let’s be simple and shallow and creative:

So, I am going to say my bike.  When I was a kid, i was obsessed with my bikes.  It was more than transportation.  I lived in my bike.  wheelie contests, jump contests, all that stuff. I saw a child get kidnapped right in front of us… on our bikes.  but, since we weren’t supposed to be in that vacant lot (lighting fires and jumping over them)… we never told the police or our parents about it.  STILL haven’t).

anyhow, my bike sucked.  all bikes sucked 30 years ago. They were heavy as shit.  I have a dope ass bike now.  If I could go back to my childhood, I would bring this bike.
5. You know your too drunk when..

this question is completely out of context with the theme here today, and I am going to strike it.  In fact, none of these questions belong together.  What the hell is going on up there?  What do I pay these people for?  Ok, I will answer.  When you are fighting to stay awake.