Let’s play catch throw

What’s better than that?  A stock photo of a father and son playing throw.  You were thinking ‘catch’, weren’t you?  Turns out your memories were wrong.  You were never playing catch, you were playing ‘throw’.  Besides, I am pretty sure the NFL or Gene Simmons own the word ‘catch’.

How do I know you weren’t playing ‘catch’?  Or… how do I know what the difference is?  Well… when your pops threw you the ball, you thought that part was over when the ball was in your hands, didn’t you?  In the old parlance, you thought that you had ‘caught’ it.  You magnificent naïve bastard.

Once you had the ball in your hand… once you ‘caught’ it… did you

  • Turn upfield?
  • Demonstrate possession?
  • Commit a further act of football?
  • Turn into an active runner?
  • Have the ball clearly long enough to become an active runner?

all you had was the ball in your hands.  That is a step, it is step 1 of 342 steps required to make a catch® in the NFL.   Since we truly don’t know what a catch is… what shall we call such a play in its infancy?  Like… what do we call a catch before the lawyers come in and adjudicated its catchiness?  To simplify, let’s call it a ‘grab’.  Someone threw you the ball, its in your hands… it’s a ‘grab’ (for this discussion only)

Now, let’s break it down… each one of the above.  Did you ‘turn upfield’?  What the hell does that mean?  It means after you took the ball, did you turn and begin running toward your endzone?

Did you Demonstrate possession?  Do you have any historic, dated, selfies of you and the ball?  Do you have receipts throwing at least three consecutive payments on said football?  Did you run up to the ref, bonk him in the nose gently with the football, and then run off?  Sure, the latter will get you kicked out of the game.  However… loophole… for them to accuse you of assault, they have to admit you possessed the ball.  Lastly, is your name in the stitching?

Did you commit a ‘further act of football‘?  I shit you not, that was the legal verbiage.

Then it wasn’t a catch, dummy.  There are just SOME of the rules of ‘what constitutes a catch’.  When you got home that night, did you put the football away?  That clearly demonstrates lack of control.

You disgust me.  Don’t even bother getting a flu shot this year, you couldn’t even catch a cold!   Now, let’s get out there and play some throw


NFL – two ways to fix my football team



*** update – timeouts.  WASTED constantly.  If anyone on my team calls a time out in the first quarter, they will be vanquished to special teams on the practice squad.  Any team who doesn’t have at least 2 timeouts saved up for the last 2 minutes deserves to lose.  I am still mad at Jake Plummer losing the Rose Bowl for ASU some 20 or 25 years ago because of no timeouts left.  Of course, I could be remembering that wrong.

Two ways I would fix my football team.  There are a couple things I notice in every NFL game I watch – terrible qb protection, and terrible tackling.

Terrible QB protection – with the exception of the Patriots, no team protects their QB.  They don’t even seem to bother.  I joke that Tom Brady could read a paperback in his pocket.  The analysts say shit like ‘Tom Brady doing the dink and dunk tight end passes… moves right down the field.’  That is because Brady gets time to do all his reads.  EVERY QB could and would do that if they had the time.  Most QBs get to do about 1 or 2 reads… then they run for their lives and hope comes gets open.  Except Aaron Rodgers.  He gets to do NO reads.  His protection has been so terrible for the last 10 years that as soon as he gets the ball; he has to run for his life.  Somehow, though, he has made it his own thing.

My point being, if I had an offense, everything they did would revolve about QB protection.  Not routes or runners.  My team might spend all 10 guys just to protect the QB.

Terrible tackling – Ok, that problem solved.  Here is the next big problem – no one is tackling.  There is a legit reason for it.  Teams don’t tackle in practice at all, ever.  There are two reasons for this- 1) they don’t want they players to get hurt in something dumb like practice, and 2) the CBA (collective bargaining agreement) put in place after the last (near) strike dictated that teams could only do 2 practices a week in full pads.  This is why tackling is terrible when you watch, because they literally don’t practice tackling.

Big surprise; I am fine with that.  Football is so incredibly dangerous for these players (CTE, GTS) that I get why they don’t tackle much.  It doesn’t make great tv, but it’s likely best.  What do we do with this, then?  Strip the fucking football!  Listen, you got your arms around the guy, you aren’t bringing him down because you are a pussy who never learned to tackle… so strip that ball.  Every time.  The coaches likely want and expect you to tackle anyone you can touch.  Just like receivers have a rule ‘if you can touch the ball, you can catch the ball’.  Well, your little powderpuff fatties don’t know how to tackle.  Teach them to strip the ball, every time.  Look at this guy, he gets it.  He isn’t even pretending to try and tackle… he is just going for that ball.

Brandon Marshall, Reshad Jones

Friday Fives – tiempo para futbol


The NFL season begins tonight.  Do you follow football? If so, when did you start to follow the game?

Yes I do.  I LOVE football, and in fall I kinda build my life around it.  As for how long, never remember not being involved or watching.  Watching my perennially hapless Bills blow it year after year.   Four superbowls in a row!  No one remembers that.  They remember us losing 4 superbowls in a row. Norwood! (shakes fist in the air).

Don’t worry if you don’t get that reference, Bill Buckner does.

I have written a good bit about the NFL in these pages, rarely was it nice.  I am conflicted.  I LOVE pro football, but I HATE the NFL as an organization.

Why do NFL teams get the title of ‘world champions’ when no other nationality competes?

Why is the heavy lifter ‘mister universe’?  those aliens have mad lifting skills, you speciest!

If Americans started calling soccer “football” like the rest of the world, what would be a good name to replace American football with?

Corporate Smashmouth®

In 10 words or less, explain American football to a foreigner. 

That wasn’t a catch.  Didn’t complete ‘further act of football’.  *** was that ten?  I am a musician, don’t come at me with math, bro.

 You can remove one rule from the NFL. What is it and what does it do to the game?

Instead, I am adding a rule.  I wrote about this years ago.  If a QB can throw a ball up in the air, and catch SAME ball… and get in the endzone… that is worth 14 points.  Think how much more entertaining ‘upside down’ games would be!  Instead of tuning out a game where team is down by 30 points… you would be ALL the more needing to stay and watch… knowing they would execute that play.  You are welcome, 4th quarter advertisers.