Friday Fives – Spring Fling


it’s Spring, what’s your thing?


spring cleaning – got a big cleaning coming up?  Any cleaning you do (only) seasonally?

not for the interior.  Outside, though, yes.  The wonderfulness of Winter in Colorado on a ranch is not doing a damn thing to the property all Winter.  Now, it’s time to spread a LOT of manure, check the fencing, put a new mailbox in, stuff like that.  you know, I hated doing yard work on my teeny tiny tenth of an acre in town.  It seemed stupid to mow and water and fertilize 20 feet by 30 feet.  now that I have 5 acres, though, I LOVE working outside.  The key is having decent wireless headphones.

reminds me of a game.  I game I invented.  The Wii yard work!

baseball – juiced up overpaid meatheads?  Or, America’s past time?

ha!  I made a funny.  I wrote these questions, as my editor is likely in the drunk tank again in Commerce City.  I think we are supposed to call baseball ‘America’s Pastime’.  I typed the question as ‘past time’.  Total fruedian slip ‘Sirian slip‘.  I am sure baseball was a great pastime, and now that time has passed.  I am not against baseball… but nor am I for it.  Don’t care.  Baseball is like Paris, or the NFC.  I am aware it exists, but indifferent about it.  HA – another example of google subtext.  I went to google a picture of the NFL’s NFC conference, and typed in AFC.  Even my formidable and incredible hands could not take the order seriously to look up anything about the NFC.

Council of Nicea – a unifying summit of godly goodness?  Or the greatest cover up of all time?  Defend your answers, and show your work

I am not a fan.  Do you know what it is?  Allow me to very briefly explain.  For a few hundred years, there was a LOT of versions of Christianity going around.  It was admittedly confusing.  In 325 ad, a bunch of important people got together and said “listen, we need to simplify and unify the message of Christianity.  Doug, for example, has been going down to down explaining that Christ’s message was for you to show him your boobs.  We need 1 message, and 1 bible.  We aren’t leaving this room until that is done.”

I get that part, and it makes sense.  Thanks a lot, Doug.  But, mostly it censored everything the pushy guys didn’t like.  Mary, for example, was not a marginal player or lowly prostitute following the gang at a distance.  She was a very significant figure.  It is believed she was likely at least an equal of the men, and a full apostle.  She had her own book.  A lot of people did, and they cut all that out.  Only much much later did we find some of these original censored and ‘satanic’ bibles.  The Dead Sea Scrolls was one such find.

the other thing I didn’t like about this it that the council was held in 325.  this means LONG LONG LONG after Jesus, and all his people, were dead.  So, no one could pipe up and say “actually, Donald, Jesus was fine with Doug doing that whole boobie thing.  It was the rest of us who had to put the kibosh on it.”

I have said this before, and I shall explain again.  I do believe there was a Jesus.  I do believe he was a great and charismatic leader of men.  I do not believe he had any magical powers, though.  I also do not believe he was the son of god anymore than you or I am.   Well… obviously not you.  Look at how you are dressed!  I believe Jesus was sadly and cruelly executed, and that is story ends there… up on that cross.

Regardless of your beliefs, we do know the Council of Nicea was real, and had real consequences.  Please read more about it, from people smarter and less biased than I.  Here is the wiki page.

jesus – god’s resurrected son who walked out of that crypt, or charismatic leader and mortal who sadly did die that day on the cross?

Didn’t we just cover this?  who writes this dreck?

Tony Romo- was he great?  Could he have been?  Would you keep him, if you knew you could protect him?

I don’t think he got the chance to be great.  I think he might have been great, but was either too fragile, or had shit for an offensive line to protect him.  If you say his name 3 times in the mirror, he breaks a collarbone.  Sure, he blew a couple really really big plays… but who did that more than Peyton Manning?  Being great isn’t easy, and it comes with an epic share of monumental fuck ups along the way.

thing is, football is just murder on the body.  I bet he is getting offered the EXACT same amount of money (around ten million is an educated guess) to do tv as he was to play football.  In fact, Shannon Sharpe left football when he was playing amazing top notch football.  It was a huge surprise when he retired and went to CBS.  When a reporter (probably the great Rick Reilly… miss that guy)*** asked him why he walked away, he said “they offered me the same money, and no one is trying to kill me every Sunday anymore.”

you can’t argue with that logic.  I’ll tell you what we can, do.  Take this opportunity to look at the amazing Jessica Simpson.  At the time, she was brilliantly dubbed ‘Yoko Romo’.   and maybe since we are on this topic, take a moment out to remind us all how horribly creepy her father was.  The man said ‘she’s got double d’s.  You can’t keep those puppies down!’.   Can you imagine your dad saying that about you?


ok, we started talking about Spring, and then a pretty thoughtful conversation about Jesus, and whether or not the council of Nicea was good old fashioned bullying.  How did we end up looking at hot and vapid pictures of Jessica Simpson?  My guess is you didn’t come here for Sunday School, did you?

*** Rick Reilly is not dead, he just retired about ten years ago.  Find one of his books of columns.  He was a sports guy, but with a brilliant wit.  Combine Dave Barry and Bill Simmons and you have Rick Reilly

The thing about the under inflated football, and why it is a big deal

*** updates at bottom – 1.26.15

You have heard about the Patriots and the deflated footballs, right?

I have been poking around, and can put it in perspective if you are interested.  First – everything the Patriots are saying is a goddamn lie.  We’ll get to that.  What happened was 11 of their 12 football was found to be seriously under-inflated.  How much were they deflated?  Well, I am not going to talk PSI, you have ESPN for that.  I watched a show yesterday where they deflated a football to the exact degree the Patriots’ balls were deflated.  Then, they had a proper inflated football.  Every single person they gave the footballs to, including a gal who said “I don’t know if I have ever touched a football” were able to correctly identify the flatter balls.

They are squishier.

What is the advantage?  It is much easier to throw and catch.  It’s really more a nerf at that time than a hard leather football***. My next thought was – well, if it is easier to catch and throw, wouldn’t that help both teams?  No, because each team uses their own footballs.  Specifically, the Patriots provide their own footballs their QB will be using.  Only their qb uses those balls.  In last weekend’s case, the Colts used their own footballs when it was their turn to play offense.  Like you, I assumed a neutral, official, NFL person held all the balls and divvied them out for teams to use.  Nope, that is only kicker balls.  The kicker balls are touched by NO ONE except the refs until just before they are used on the field.

How did the other team find out, then?  This is awesome.  The other team (the Colts) found out when they intercepted one of Brady’s passes.  Immediately, the guy who caught it brought it to the ref and explained the ball was flat. Someone, justice briefly happened, and ALL the Patriots balls got checked.  11 of the 12 game balls they had were flattened.  That isn’t co-incidence, or an accident.  Maybe 2 or 3 could be regarded as that. Here is where it gets marginally worse… the lies and cover up.  Tom Brady said he didn’t notice anything.  Really?  You throw footballs for a living.  Odds are you have thrown a football every single day of your life since you were about 15.  You didn’t notice any of them were flat?  You are a fucking liar. In Bellicheck’s (the head coach) denial, he said I’m not an expert in footballs. Oh my fucking god, are you serious?  That is your answer?  Guess what, YES YOU FUCKING ARE!!!  You are absolutely an expert in footballs.  You are the most successful football coach in the history of football.  More than anything else in life, you are an expert in footballs.  It is ALL you are, besides maybe being a cheating and lying asshole. Here are some much better looking people than myself to explain a bit more. Now, some housekeeping.  Aren’t there checks and balances in place?  Yes.  Each team does what they want to the balls they will use that game, and gives them to the head ref.  He checks them, sings off on them, and gives them back to the team.  This takes place 2 hours and 15 minutes before the game.  This is so the teams can scuff new balls, to make them grippier.  Did this happen with the Patriot’s balls?   We don’t know… yet. What is the penalty for this?  Apparently, a fine “as much as $25,000”.  What does that dollar figure mean to a team worth billions… especially one with the superbowl on the line?  There will be talk about taking a draft pic.  Boo fucking hoo.  I say either make them play the game over, or pull the Superbowl from them.  See, the Patriots have a history of cheating.  You can google it.  Did this help the Patriots win?  Probably not by much.  They won by 40 points.  They didn’t have to cheat.  How long have they been doing this?  We’ll never know.  At least, not until some of these guys retire and decide to come clean. Were it me caught?  I would say something like this

 “frankly, it sickens me, and it cheapens our win.  It was a very cold that day.  It’s possible that impacted the inflation.  However, you and I both know it wouldn’t affect it that much.  Of course we are looking into this with our equipment managers and such.  Trust me, this is a bigger concern to us than it is you.  It puts a LOT of things into perspective, and means we need to change how we do business.  I am the coach, and I take full responsibility.  I fully welcome any and all investigations and inquiries.  I fully accept any and all punishments this will result in.  I can promise you this, it changes absolutely everything about how we do business.  I want to apologize to fans, and ESPECIALLY to the wonderful Indianapolis Colts.  They are a great organization, and I can understand how they would be furious about this development.”

*** the ‘nerf’ analogy- I  wrote this before I found that video piece.  They used the same analogy.  Just wanted you to know I wrote that first.  About 6 hours before I found that video piece. ***  update 1.26.15 – a few important voices have chimed in, and they are calling bullshit on the Pats.  Like… who? Jim Jenkins and Molly Wallace most definitely call bullshit.  Who are they?  The people who make the goddamn footballs.  Some would call them ‘experts’.  In fact, even Belichekc would call them experts.  See, this story has tarnished Wilson, who busts their asses to keep the game legit.  Molly, who is in charge of this stuff, was asked “how could air come out of these footballs?”

Well, it’s couldn’t.

Ok, that seems pretty clear.  How about the other Wilson guy.  He doesn’t mince words.  “it isn’t possible”.  What do you think of the Patriots story?

It’s BS, man

Ok, good sound bite.  But… it was all cold that day, and we know that cold air contracts, and hot air expands.  So, with temperatures that fluctuate during the 90 minutes where the balls were inspected to code (and returned to the team) and the time of the game starting…. i mean… that could shrink the ball a bit, right?  No.  To use his words

Well it couldn’t

Just like politics, the scandal goes all the way to the top.  This guy feels the owners are just too cozy with the league… so there is no objective observation.  There is no checks and balances.  Who is this guy, who dates question the integrity of the NFL?

Oh… gee, only the motherflippin’ retired NFL commissioner.  Paul Tagliabu seems to feel things have gone downhill with Goodell taking over.

anyone else who is a so called ‘expert’ wanna weigh in?  Bill Nye.  Yeah, an expert in physic and science and stuff.

Oh, and lets just say temperature variation could have caused it.  Wouldn’t all the Colts balls be in the exact same shape (or lack of)… BAM.  That just happened.

NFL – boo fucking hoo

If you know me, you know I LOVE football. If you know me, I HATE the NFL corporation. Why? Well, today they gave me a perfectly good example as to why Roger Goodell is the devil.

It looks like the NFL is broke, and we ALL need to help out.  I mean, why else would all of the following befall these saints?

You may know that the NFL hid concussions and those repercussions for years, resulting in many ex-players dead. You may know they got sued for anti-trust in their marketing strategies. You may know they charged New Jersey residents $25,000 just for rights to buy season tickets in the new stadium. If you paid the $25,000, that didn’t actually buy you a single season ticket. You may know that the NFL won’t allow a local game to be broadcast unless the stadium is sold out beforehand.

You may know they got sued by cheerleaders for unfair labor practices. They lost that case, and it resulted in them (the NFL) having to pay minimum wage to the cheerleaders.  Plus, there was the strike two years ago.  The NFL is broke people, goddamnit why can’t you see that?  Why else would they treat consumers and players like this?

You may know that, though they made 8 BILLION last year, they do not pay a penny of taxes. They are listed, quite amusingly, as a 501C charity. Like your local dog shelter.  Then, this report from Forbes says the average NFL team is worth 1.3 BILLION.  Ok, I can’t wrap my head around a figure like that.  Lemme grab my trusty calculator and put in 1.3 BILLION times 32 teams.  It’s 32, right?  Ok, and the answer on my calculator says ‘holy fuck that is a lot of money, bro’ and then it just exploded like mission impossible mission giver thingy.

That isn’t why I write today. That stuff is all in the past. Today, I learned that the NFL wants bands to pay them to play the superbowl. Yes, the NFL wants to charge bands to play the superbowl. The NFL is soliciting Katy Perry and Coldplay to ‘pay to play’. The way the NFL sees it, they are giving you a boost in your career. You owe them. If it weren’t for the NFL, you wouldn’t have even heard of these bands. Oh wait, you already know who they are? They are already successful? Well, did they make 8 Billion last year? Exactly.

When reaching out to artists, league representatives asked some acts if they would exchange a headlining slot for a portion of their post-Super Bowl tour earnings, or make another type of financial contribution to the NFL. Sources told the Journal that the suggestion, perhaps unsurprisingly, “got a chilly reception from the candidates’ representatives.”

Yes, chilly sounds appropriate. The NFL made 8 BILLION last year, they will charge a million and a half during the game to run a commercial… and they are not paying a penny in taxes. Boo fucking hoo. This is like C Montgomery Burns asking you for a fiver.  They made 8 Billion, Goodell was paid 32 million last year, and they are being sued just to provide minimum wage?  They don’t pay a penny in taxes?  Oh yeah, it’s quite the opposite.  US taxpayers bought all their stadiums.

It is such a painful dichotomy to love football and hate the NFL so much. It’s similar to my relationship with Ticketbastard and live rock music. I am so upset with Ticketbastard charging 150% service fees that I don’t even go to national concerts anymore. Einstein said something to the effect of ‘evil succeeds when good men to do nothing’. So, I don’t give them money… either of them. Neither should you. That is, until they get together with Ticketbastard to block out the sun.

* full disclosure, I did just buy a Manning Broncos jersey last year, but it was pirated.  🙂  Can’t afford the $150 it costs to buy a proper licensed one.  Wanna make a difference?  Sign this!