Friday Fives – ridiculous randomness

What is something you’ve always wanted to do, but feel discouraged because of Nicolas Cage?

Easy. You know how we are always talking about getting an original copy of the Magna Carta? You know how we always lamented that the documents sits in stuffy museums, guarded by big Document, and the big Document lobby. It belongs to the people, man.  All Power to the People.

We show up to the location where an original is being stored. For a myriad of security reasons, I can’t tell you where it is. Anyhow, we showed up with our most excellent plan.  The usual crew:  Mickey, Legs, El Deuce, Mr Pink, and Tiny.  Due to the success of the Cage movies, though, security had been tripled. Do you know what laser diametrics are? Of course you don’t. If you don’t know anything about laser diametric security, you sure as shit aren’t getting an original of the Magna Carta.

I could get into a LOT of trouble for this, but the people need to know.  Here is the original first draft.  This isn’t a joke, people.  This is about the enslavement of the Magna people, by the Carta regime.  At least, I am pretty sure it’s something like that.  Details aren’t my thing.

Did you know the original Carta was written entirely in piglatin, in crayons?  It was for security reasons.  This is just a small taste of what big Document has been hiding from us all these years.  Also lesser known, it was written on tupperware.  Fact!  It’s the origin of the term ‘an army marches on its stomach’.

Luckily, my crew and I well schooled in both laser diametrics, audioplasty recognition replacement, AND full hologram deterrence. Here is what we didn’t count on. Nicholas Coppola motherfucking Cage his goddamn self. Do to the fact that he has spent all of his money on castles and dragon bones… he is broke. Dude is working at the museum guard there. He tried to play it off cool, said he was researching a role. Then he asked if he could have a bite of my sammich, and his manager came out and yelled at him… and us. He kept asking us if we knew Jason Statham.

Heist thwarted… again. Thanks Nic Cage.

If you get into a heated argument with one of your neighbors, and you accidentally hit them over the head with your shovel and knocked them unconscious, would it be OK to borrow their power hedge trimmer while they are passed out? (Asking for a friend)

Assuming you are returning it in better shape, of course. I mean, fix it up a little. Look at it, he hasn’t oiled in ever, and the blades are all loose. This thing is going to kill someone. Plus, I am making the entire neighborhood nicer. With this baby, I can finally finish my lawn sculpture – Nicholas Cage, America’s treasure… in the nude.

Best eight-legged creature? [defend]

  • Octopus
  • Squid
  • Spider
  • Cuttlefish
  • Led Zeppelin, 1975

Easy. Octopus. Those little monsters can change color. Look at this clip. You could be in the water surrounded by them and have no idea. All of the sudden – BAM. There they are. Bonus, if we are to go deep into Ringo’s entire cannon of Beatle work, this is some of his finest.

Zeppelin 75 is a very good choice, though.  This is Physical Graffiti era, where they were absolutely peaking on every level.  At this moment, they are the biggest band on earth, and rightfully so.  I don’t know what cuttlefish, but if this is going where I think it is… remember I am happily married.

What is your entrance music?

This song. This song is SO good. Or this song. Maybe this one.

What was your favorite school lunch day?

Tacos. You can’t screw up tacos. You would think the same with pizza, right? My lord did they ruin pizza. Look at this stuff. You have to cook with love and intent…. Every time. Tita taught us that in ‘like water for chocolate’. This pizza was always made by people who had just given up on every level. I think we might all be like that after cooking slop for ungrateful little bastards all day long for 30 years.

*** regarding Laser Diamtrics – yes, Majikwah.  We are running all fives, finally!


Left Behind – the video game

Did you know that last year was one of the first years that sales of books had risen? Yup. As you can imagine, book sales have been waning as the internet and other digital media take hold of our collective consciousness. There was one very specific sector of books that led the whole industry’s revival, Christian books. More specifically, the ‘Left Behind’ series.

In case you aren’t aware, ‘Left Behind’ is a serial of Christian stories explaining and fictionalizing life on Earth after ‘the rapture’. The Rapture is when God (or jesus… whatever… I still get the two mixed up and I am a 42 year old Catholic***) comes to earth and takes away all the good Christians to heaven and everyone else is ‘left behind’. To say ‘runaway best seller’ would be an understatement. You may have seen these bumper stickers on cars before; ‘in case of rapture, car will be unoccupied’.

Sweet sassy molassy this shit pisses me off. Know why? Because, I am all for religious tolerance, but these assholes are not. Read that sentence again. It sounds dismissive, I know. It isn’t. I think it is swell if you are a Christian, or if you aren’t. Frankly, it isn’t my business. What I see is the subtext of this message.

I am better than you. I am going to heaven and you are not Before I ascend, though, I wanted to take a few minutes to condescend. Oh snap! They are going to love that one in heaven

The story takes a much bigger turn, dear reader. I told you that to tell you this: The obscenely popular ‘left behind’ series has spawned a video game. I am cool with that idea. I think it is a good idea for the old school to embrace the new school. I don’t think kids are big on reading the bible, so why not be clever with the medium to spread the word of the gospel? I mean, god made everything so god made video games… right? Serious, I am not a bible guy, but I am a book guy. For the most part, the bible is imparting good morals and such. I think it is a brilliant way to bring a new generation into the fold. This is just like those mega churches that do rock concerts. Ok, that one really bothers me… but I get the idea.

Well, let’s just take a lookie here at the game and see what it says:

COLORADO SPRINGS – In a new video game for teenagers, players are asked to convert non-Christians and then create an army to fight the anti-Christ.

Hmm, seems rather preachy to me… and pushy too. Am not a big fan of fighting anything. Just not my bag, I’m a Democrat. Let’s us not judge lest ye be judged… read on.

The game is rated T for Teen. Christian soldiers can kill others and restore their so-called “spirit level” by praying before they can go on to kill again.

What the what? I missed this chapter in bible school. Yeah, I went to bible school… for YEARS. Those were my Sundays, thanks! This is some first testament shit.

Keep in mind, this isn’t corporate devils making a game to capitalize on youth interest. This is the Left Behind people making this game themselves. This is a Christian Game! Know what? If that is their value system, I think me and the kids will stick with ‘Grand Theft Auto‘. Better role models.

*** I know I said up top I was a Catholic and then two paragraphs later I said I was an atheist. To clarify, I am an atheist. However, I was raised Catholic… and that shit doesn’t leave you ever. So… I get to call myself that when it is convenient to the narrative.

Editor’s note:  due to some absolutely valid feedback below in the comments, I cleaned up the language.  Thank you for reading, and thank you for the honest feedback.  It helps, and it listened to!  2/07

Editors note – update 6/14 – this is now a movie