Friday Fives – cameltoe spider edition


What foods are just delivery systems for other foods?

I’d say just about any break, but certainly tortillas.  Also good is heroin.  If you get a good hot spoonful of bubbling heroin, and top it with some good Russian caviar… well it just hits all the centers in the right places.  Has to be GOOD caviar though.  Or, really any heroin.  In fact, I guess you don’t even need the caviar.  Just a big ole bubbly spoon of smack pretty much makes everything just a little better.

What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage?

Whichever one you are about to hand me.  I don’t drink much, but when I do… I ain’t picky.  Anything but Scotch or Gin is just fine.  Beer, Whiskey, and Wine… all welcome over at any time.

What’s a food that tastes better when it’s a little burnt?

Just about everything I pan fry I prefer on the crispy end.  No point doing a pan fry or saute if its gonna be all mealy and sad and soft and gross (like me!.  Wifey likes here pizza that way.  I don’t , but not enough to care either way.  End result?  We eat slightly done pizza.  That is how you keep a marriage together for 20 years.

WAIT… I have a real answer.  French fries!  McDonalds and Chik Fil A are in a dual for best fries, and both are best when a tiny bit over done.  A proper fry should break, not bend.  Can I say I hate that I go to Chik Fil A.  I am not pleased with their take on gays.  While there is a freedom of speech issue that certainly protects them (which we can all celebrate)… going out and releasing press statements saying you don’t like gays is a bit much.

In this case, I am totally morally boycotting it.  Just not financially.

How do you subtly fuck with people for your own enjoyment?

Now if I told you that, you would know all the things I am doing.  Ok, I will teach you one.  Body language.  When you are listening to someone, and tuning out… turn your head a little to the side.  Makes you look all engaged and plaintive.  Chicks dig it!

What is the scariest, most terrifying thing that actually exists?

Camel spiders.  That fish that can get up and run from one body of water to another.  This presidency.  Voter apathy.  Chris Brown.  The NRA.  Did you know that the NRA used to be advocates of gun control?  Read this, it’s incredible?



It’s a slippery slope?

for Bobo >

“Well, it is a slippery slope, you know…”.

Anytime you hear this in an argument, that person has lost.  That person is also, I promise, an asshole.  Everything that follows that phrase is guaranteed to be dumb.  I know because it is an admission that your argument is weak.  These are the assholes who argue that if you legalize gay marriage… all manner of sickness will descend on society.  I actually heard a guy call in to the talk radio and say “well, if you let guys marries guys, it’s a slippery slope.  What’s next, people marrying dogs or monkeys?”  Here is why this is a poor argument:  A bill would be written to specify a ‘man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman:  no other permutations’.

Also, by taking this ‘slippery slope’ position, you severely weaken your initial point. Basically, you are saying “I am fine with gays being married, but I draw the line at pets.”  If it was a solid argument, it would stop with ‘gays should not marry’.  Your syllogism should end there.  Instead… when you reveal that all manner of other things will fall as a result… you have negated your initial argument.  Once you compare it to something completely different, you have negated your original point. This isn’t a piece about gay marriage at all.  It’s about use of logic and language.  I will fight for the right for gays to marry.  I am a reverend, and I will actually marry them (editors note, since I wrote this a few years ago, I have done a gay wedding.  It was the best wedding I have ever facilitated.  More importantly, I will fight for the English language and I will fight your shitty syllogisms and lazy execution of logic.

I don’t like chili beers.  I think that idea is disgusting.  I am not going to compare that to shit, though.  I don’t need to.  I don’t care what you put in beer, or all the different ideas.  I just know that chili in beer sucks balls.  Have it all you want.

That is fine, I think we can all agree on that.  Well, maybe not this guy.

If you feel that gays should be not allowed to marry, your point has to be stronger than monkey fucking as the inevitable outcome.

Oh, and don’t say the bible says so, either… you assholes.  Yes, the bible says man should not lie with man.  However, it also says slaves are fine, cast your women out of the village if they are menstruating, or kill them if they are wearing cloths of a different kind.  So, let’s stop sourcing the bible for morality.  The first testament has father/daughter sex in it.  Yeah… like MacKenzie & John Phillips type stuff.

In conclusion, gays should be allowed to marry.  If you are against that, fine, but you need a way better argument.

The second group of people who use that term is gun nuts.  I don’t even want to bother with this group.  These guys are zealots, and logic will not work on them.  Plus, they are all self righteous and feel they are actually better citizens than those of us who are not armed.  “you can’t ban high capacity magazines.  I need 64 bullets to protect my property.  Plus, if you ban high capacity magazines next it will be my grenades or shoulder fired missile or my .22 hunting rifle.  It’s a slippery slope!”  Go ahead, try and talk about guns with a gun nut.  I dare you.  Just try and say “I don’t think babies should have machine guns.”

Here is the third group of meatheads who say ‘It’s a slippery slope’:  anti drug people.  These folks believe if you legalize marijuana, within days the streets will be filled with dead whores and junkies.  These are the ‘gateway drug’ folks.  Know what is a gateway drug?  Water.  Yup.  I studied drug addict in history, and they all started on water.  So, Denver recently legalized marijuana.  We actually have more weed dispensaries in Denver than Starbucks. Go ahead and read that sentence again.

So, what happened to Denver?  Did we all end up as junkies?  Nope, because they only legalized weed.  The law is extremely specific, as laws tend to be.  Yup, no slope.  Instead, we are saving millions on not arresting and incarcerating smokers, and making even more by selling it and taxing it.  You know your annoying friend who is obsessed with legalization?  the one who is always spouting facts, and reminding you that he first American Flag was made of hemp.  Well, that guy was right.  No crime problem, no uptick in drug abuse, and we are making shitloads of money by taxing stoners.  It’s win win!

If your point and opinion is valid, it need not a qualifier of any kind.  You would not say “don’t run a stoplight, because if you do.. it’s a slippery slope.  It could lead to accidents, tickets, and copycat behavior.  If you are all driving through stop signs with your kid in the car, he will be learning to also run stop signs.  Then, his buddies will start doing the same.  It’s a slippery slope from one rolling ‘California; stop to all laws of traffic coming apart.

If people take advantage of gay marriage laws, and then marry their donkey, THEN you get to say ‘told you it was a bad idea’.  Here is what you should do.  Just say this “I don’t like gay marriage.  I don’t think it is right on many levels.”  You are now done.  You don’t have to say why, or to rationalize it to anymore.

I am not sure if my beef is with that stupid phrase… or the people who employ it.  Frankly, both must be stopped.  A bigger concern for society should probably be why this piece dipped into several monkey ejaculation references.  How does that serve the conversation?  Frankly, someone should edit this garbage a little better.  But, if you limit the language, you start down a road of censorship.  First, you tell him not to use monkey jizz at the end of each paragraph.  Then, you limit vowel use.  It’s a slip…. well… you know.

In closing, it is ok if you don’t like gay marriage.  Same thing with not liking pickles on your burger.  I am FINE with you not liking gay marriage.  Just don’t butcher language and logic to do it.  Say “I don’t like it.”  or, “it’s gross and weird”, or “I am against it.”  Just know it is your issue, not theirs.

**** sorry, this got way too ranty.  It could, and should, be tightened up and probably cropped to about half the words.  I just get worked up.  I care about gay rights, and language.  So if they cross paths, I am going to write the shit out of it.  thanks for your patience.  I would like your feedback.  did it go too long?