I heard you wanted to secede. Ok… you win!

I was talking with a buddy at work, and he was telling me about this stand off. It was the usual stuff about them being armed and not recognizing the US Government. They refuse to pay taxes or whatever, and they want to secede. It’s where the social contract breaks down, and I get it. I fully get why someone would just snap on the government… especially if they come from generations of anti social anti government folk… as these types often do. These folks are always, without exception, gun nuts. Again, I get it. If you are going to be paranoid and anti-govt… you should be a gun nut.

  • Aside – I love how gun nuts feel they need to be able to defend themselves and their family against the govt… that is why they need three machine guns. You know… the govt has tanks and planes and rocket launchers and nukes.  I am not saying you shouldn’t defend yourself… you should.  I am not saying not to be paranoid of the govt, you should.  I am just saying if they want your shit, they are going to take it.

So, people decide… again for a myriad of perfectly good reasons… that they want to leave the USA. Well, kinda. It’s more like they want the USA to leave them. They aren’t going anywhere. If they did, it wouldn’t be a story now would it? Let’s take these folks, which are a perfect example of my idea. They wanted to secede. Their trailer was private property, and they wanted to be respected as private property. They wanted the US govt out of their lives, and out of their wallets. Basically, they wanted Uncle Sam off their dick. Why? That isn’t important for our purposes here.

As you can imagine, the govt saw it quite differently. So for many days, and many hundreds of thousands of dollars, and many dead bodies… we waited them out. These things happen, like Waco, and it never ever ends well. There are never any winners in these conflicts. Good news, I have the solution.

We let them secede. Good news, trailer guys, you win. You have now seceded. We won’t bother you, or tax you, or fuck with your guns. You are now an independent country. This means, you can’t use our tap water. You can’t use our roads, or call our fire department. You can’t use our electricity. In fact, you have proven yourself hostile to the United States… quite gleefully you made that point. Because we are nice, and you have been paying into the tax base, we will build a fence around you free of charge. Since you are hostile, though, if you cross that fence… especially armed… we will shoot you. Just as you are free to shoot at us if we cross into your side of the fence.

Now, the first thing you will need to do is set up diplomatic relationships with the US in order to get a passport and apply for a visa to leave your fenced area. Don’t worry, bro, we won’t block your diplomatic efforts. Your beef is with the UN, where you will need to send an emissary and asked to be recognized by them. Historically, that takes a few decades.

OH… and you can’t use our sewer infrastructure, either. Looks like you have about an acre there, is that correct? Guess what, we’ll double it! Going forward, though, you will need your own septic system, water system, electricity, telecommunications, security, fire department, and food growing and processing system.

Wait, I am sorry.  I can see that I lost you already.  Let me clarify.  You can’t go to our KKK rallies.  You can’t use our wal marts.  You can’t buy our ammo.  You can’t beat our women.  You can’t go to our Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts.  You can’t drive your El Camino on our roads. ***

   bonus tangent aside – we have this guy, Cliven BundyTruly, an honorary Texan.  He got into a tax beef (get it?) with grazing costs he wasn’t paying on Federal land.  It got bad, quick.  Like, the Fed took his thousands of cows and he came after them with guns.  When asked about the back taxes dispute, he said (i fucking swear to god this is true.  it’s too good to make up)

“Black people would be better off as slaves”.

Just… wow.  What does that have to do with taxes, land, or cattle?  Now you see why I make fun of all you assholes.  I mean, he maybe had a salient grievance against the lien.  He is a taxpayer, these are Federal (ie… taxpayer) lands.  Does he not have rights to that land, just as any taxpaying camper, photographer, or arsonist?  We’ll never know, because his rebuttal was literally about blacks being better off as slaves.  You should be Tommy Lee’s lawyer, bro!  You know about blacks and cattle right?  Yup, they’ll try and get all gay married. Can I prove he actually said that?  Well… um… can you prove he didn’t?

There it is, you won. You are no longer a part of the United States of America. Now, go pet your guns.

* btw, that picture up there?  I just googled some choice words and this came up.  I am taking it without permission.  Otherwise, they are most assuredly coming to kick my ass.  Those fellows don’t look like big fans of liberal social commentary.  It’s not exactly wise to mouth off to people like this.  If they could read, I’d be fucked… admittedly.

** if they figure out the hyperlink I put up behind their picture… I am super dead.

*** final clarification:  This is satire!!!  Does this mean I actually think everyone in Texas is a wife beating, gun toting, secessionist, rabid anti-American, inbred, illiterate racist?  Yes.  Yes, I do.

Wes says when the sesspool collapses, we’ll be the future!

a few words on Texas

Seriously you guys, what is the deal with Texas? I was there this weekend, and I can only say this: it was exactly as I imagined it. This is not a plus, my friends. Texas is weird. I would say it is like its own country, but that is exactly what Texas wants to hear. How can I describe Texas to someone who has never been there? Lemme try this: Texas is this guy you know from school. He is a total dick, but you can’t really ignore him because he is really influential for some bizarre reason. Texas constantly refers to himself in the third person, which is the worst. There is no one on earth who is more interesting to Texas than himself, Texas. Texas begins every sentence like this “Well, you wanna know what Texas thinks?”. Your buddy Texas also calls everyone who doesn’t have a severe gun collection either a faggot or a commie. Either one seems to fit Texas fine. It seems everyone in Dallas drove a car with a Texas related sticker on it. I mean, their football team is called… are you ready for this… The Houston Texans. Dude, we get it already, you like Texas.

This is an example of some of the many frightening little sociology lessons I got while I was there: I spotted this bumper sticker: I’m not from Texas, but I got here as quick as I could.  There is a great saying that really sums up everything – the world looks at America the way America looks at Texas.  There is a fascinating sociology of Texas that is like nothing I have ever seen or even heard of.  Texans favorite thing is Texas.  I’ll try and communicate this the best I can.  When people leave a place, they often remember it very fondly.  They will romanticize this place, say college for example, and remember only its best attributes.  People do this with the deceased all the time.  People like to look back at a more innocent and perfect time in their lives, and remind us how great it was then and there.

This is how Texas people feel right now.  Mind you, these people have never left Texas.  They love Texas like they were kidnapped from it, and fought like a Bruce Willis movie to get back.  It seemed everyone in Texas had a bumper sticker saying something about how great Texas is.  Who does that?  Do you think Dave Matthews has a bumper sticker on his car that says ‘I heart Dave Matthews’?  Do you think Terrell Davis walks around his house in a novelty Terrell Davis jersey?  I imagine people in Texas don’t vacation.  If you ask them, they would say ‘vacation from what?  Ain’t nothin better than right here!’

Look at these stickers.  These are things you might see from people who used to live in Texas, and remember it fondly…  like you might have an ‘ASU Alumnus’ license plate holder thingy.  Nope, there are things you will see on cars in Texas.

To be fair, I was only there about four days.  I had an excellent trip to Dallas.  Honestly, everything went well.  People were nice, weather was pleasant, the architecture is horrible (they put metal sculptures up everywhere.  It’s weird).  I am not grinding an axe with the whole state because of a bad weekend… or because they let our president get murdered.   None of that, I enjoyed it there and would go back.  The people who live there, though, have this weird ass Stockholm syndrome*** thing that is super duper creepy.

*** Stockholm Syndrome explanation for you

*** Stockholm syndrome for Texans

impression for me. But, the people of Dallas were pretty decent to us. If you are interested, here is why I was in Texas for the weekend. Plus, I went to see the grassy knoll Kennedy site which was extremely cool.

texas shirt

Years ago, I saw a meme that summed everything up.  It went something like this… more or less “the world looks at America the way America looks at Texas”.

“The first word that comes to mind when I hear the word America is ‘Arrogance.’ They are big and loud and they are in charge of everything.” – Christopher Darroch, 39, actor, Toronto