It’s not mine, I swear!

Like you, I used to lie in high school.  I remember I got caught with cigarettes.  Like you, I told my mom they were not mine.  I was holding them for someone.  I don’t think she believed that for a second.  A friend of mine told me he found zig zag rolling papers on his kid last weekend.  His kid said he was ‘holdin them for someone’.  LIAR.

Anyhow, let’s explore a couple of even less probable examples of the ‘I was just holding it’ defense from this week’s news.  First, Paris Hilton.  Paris got busted for pot (again) and when searched, they found cocaine in her purse.  This is a felony, see.  Paris, however, has publically decried it was not here.  Nope, she unwittingly borrowed a purse loaded with blow and weed.

You know, we have all made the mistake of grabbing someone else’s purse and not noticing the switch until the police pointed it out.  How does that happen?  Well, pretty easily when you are coked our of your skull, and high as a kite.  So, her own defense w0uld have to be “your honor, I was so fucked up on blow and kind bud I had NO idea I grabbed Lindsay Lohan’s purse.” 

This one is even better, and just a few days apart.  Yesterday, a woman was caught smuggling a tiger in her luggage.  A live tiger.  Go ahead and read that sentence again.  The xray machines catch these things.  Anyhow, you can imagine, they had some questions for the black market tiger smuggler (awesome name for a band, by the way).  Namely… what the fuck?  Her answer, quite awesomely, was it was not her tiger.  No, another passenger had asked her to carry it.  How does that conversation go, exactly?  Excuse me, would you carry my baby tiger across the border?  Um… sure… if you will hold my blow for me.  Hilton keeps hoarking it all.

Friday Fives

Well, Les Paul died and I am bummed.  In honor of Les Paul, we are just gonna talk guitars today.  It’s my main passion, and life’s work.  Cool?  Let’s start with the ‘Les Paul’ you all know.  It is a solid body electric guitar he invented for Gibson.  Let’s back up.  Les Paul invented the solid body electric guitar.  In short, Les Paul invented the electric guitar.  Seriously.

1.       Who is your favorite guitarist?

Jerry Garcia.  Not just my personal favorite, but I believe the best rock guitarist ever.  Yes, better than Hendrix, Page, and Stevie Ray.

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2.       Most guitarists are in one of two camps:  Stratocaster, or Les Paul – you?

with all due respect to the late great Les Paul, I am a Strat guy.  Do you have any idea how goddamn heavy those Les Paul’s are?  In the business, it was known as the ‘the log’.  No joke!  I have written a good deal about that right here.


3.       If you could have any guitar, what would it be?

a specific guitar?  Jerry’s tiger.  In general, one of those 50th Anniversary strats.  Oh sweet lord, it is hot.  Lemme tell what I would do with it.  First, put on a rosewood fretboard.  Then, I would get rid of this kahler shit and put a Floyd Rose trem on there.  Ah hell, I have not used a whammy bar in 20 years (I refuse to)… so I should just man up and buy a hard tail.

4.       Really, what is the deal with Glenn Beck?

I wonder about that.  I used to listen to him years ago on the radio.  He was great, and really funny.  Never partisan, just funny observational stuff.  Then, climate change became a hot topic and he became a big denier.  That is when I lost respect for him.  Hell, even Bush and Cheney have acknowledged climate change.  Then, CNN gave Beck a tv stop and he just turned into an over emotive right wing nut job.  Total shame.  Dude used to be great on daytime radio.  I listened almost every day at lunch and never even knew he was a Repub.  He was just funny and good.


5.       So, just how many guitars do you have?

hmmn, lots.  Maybe ten.  Let’s count.  I have three electrics, two bass guitars, three regular acoustics and a 12 string acoustic on top of that.  Also have a ukulele and two guitar hero guitars.  I think that is all of them.  Oh wait, there is also the BC Rich ST3 with the broken neck.  I didn’t set out to collect them, but I can’t stop now.  So, send in your guitars now, America.  I will take care of them.  Here is a pic of most of them, maybe all.

P1000395

Friday Fives



Broke ass recession edition

1.  If you had to drop everything and condense life into whatever you can cram into a car in a 20 minute getaway what would you absolutely pack?

Well, on this I get to cheat.  I have a big truck.  Plus, it is completely stocked with everything necessary for any emergency.  Plus, I do disaster training seminars, so I have a lead on this.  What I would grab would be the wife and dogs and cat.  If time, my guitars.  Aw, who are we kidding?  I would grab my guitars.  The wife and dogs can run behind for a bit.

2.  Screw expensive and fancy – what do you like that is cheap, simple and probably a bit embarrassing if anyone really found out?

I love Canadian whiskey.  The cheap shit, in a big brown plastic bottle (like Canadian Club).  I love it because it is sweet, and so makes a great soda mixer.  In addition, it is cheap.  You can get a 1.75 mil (known also as a ‘handle’ to fancy people drink their booze from glass) for less than $20!

3.  Cheap date during the recession – where would you go?

My favorite place – home!  We have a beautiful deck and yard (finally), a kegerator, a great stereo, and netflix plus Roku.  We can do a relaxing night, a movie night, or a get drunk and ugly night.  The house is always ready, since we don’t have kids.  For movies, we have the big screen HD tv with surround sound.

4.  In college, the happy hour with best free food was always a priority.  Any tips on local free food finds.

Oh man, I am out of the game, but we lived by that.  I was working in college and not making crap.  I worked for Greenpeace, so I am not exaggerating.  There were two places we haunted back in Flagstaff.  One place did a deal where if you bought a huge 32 ox mug of beer, you got prime rib sammiches.  Also, there was a wing place (Granny’s Closet?  Something like that) that did 10 cent wings and dollar beers on Thursdays.  Also, a local hotel briefly did a taco bar with purchase of a beer.   They quickly ended that when we swooped in with $2 a piece and feasted.

5.        Have you ever gone dumpster diving?

Nope.

Friday Fives

Very Random Lot   (Be creative because this week, the questions are
all over the place.)

1.  Please list your last five employers (taken from an online job
application.):

Debbie, Mitch, Harvey, John, Julia.  Side note, I just found out yesterday I am keeping my job.  In the old days, we would have meetings if we were losing our jobs.  These days, things are so bad, we had to have a meeting to let everyone know they were keeping their jobs.  I am thankful, and not complaining.

2.  Do you prefer a window or aisle seat (taken from an online travel
agency questionnaire)?

Aisle seat, every time.  Am like a kid when I fly… must see the view.  Also, I always listen to U2’s ‘City of Blinding Lights’ when I am in the air.  at no other time do I listen to this song.

3.  How many people are on the wait list? (taken from the University
of Iowa Admissions FAQ)?

3

4. How do you cope with the logistics of having multiple babies and is
the pressure always so relentless?  (Found on a blog of friday
questions but reminds my of Octa-mom.)

two words for you:  nannies!

5. Please list in detail all the times you worked with Carl J. Kipper
in any capacity, when, where and why. (Found in s a deposition filed
by the City Council fo Hartford, CT)

Carl is a decent person and a hard worker.  Carl is often misunderstood and mis-represented.  Because of his ‘intense’ personality and work ethic, Carl can be perceived as difficult or stand off-ish (Terry’s term).  Carl is an important member of the team, and we want him to succed.

However, when Carl throw the fish at his co-workers, it breed contempt.  Carl is working hard on his behaviors, and is enrolled in pilates.  Problem is, Carl is a loser.  A big fat fucking fish throwing loser.  Carl continues to keep a positive attitude toward coaching, though.  We expect things to improve with Carl in the second quarter.  Carl needs to know that further fish throwing or pencil smoking will result in further corrective action up to and including termination.

 

* bitchin’ postscript > I have really cool reporting on the back end of this website.  I can see the actual words people use to search that has had them accidentally land here.  Know what they are this month?

gyros,  road construction,  roy horn,  courtney love,  tiger

Apparently, America is quite taken with these subjects.  Since I don’t do celebrity gossip, this is as close I will likely get to pandering.  I think I will add them to the tags, too.