Friday Fives – just some more pet stuff, really

*** note:  my editor gave me 5 questions about Trump.  I can’t do it.  I am still in denial, seriously.  I am sure anger is coming, but right now it’s mostly denial and worry.  Let’s talk about this at the bottom, shall we?  I’ll try and be brief.


How many pets have you had at one time?

Probably now we have the most I have ever had.  3 horses, 2 cats, 3 dogs, and some fish

What is the strangest pet you have ever had?

I had a turtle once, really really briefly.  Being a Deadhead in high school, I was a big fan of the dancing turtles from Terrapin Station.  I had them dancing across the back windows of my van.  One day, Joel came across a turtle.  Just a turtle.  A real one, probably in someone’s yard.  Knowing my affinity for the Dead and the turtles, and my obvious love of animals… he brought it to me.  This was high school sometime.  I was, of course, thrilled.

We had some errands to run, so I just set him down.  They don’t move fast.  They hardly move at all.  So, I set him down figuring he would be there when I got back.  Then, I could figure out how the hell to explain this to my folks and see how I could keep and raise him.

When I got back, he was gone.  There was no fenced yard.  We just set him down on the lawn.  Couple hours later… gone!  So, I did have a turtle once.  For about an hour.  Had I kept him, I would still have him.  Those little bastards live for a 100 years or more.  Same with parrots.  Odd, isn’t it?

What is the coolest trick you have ever taught a pet?

We had a wonderful and smart and sensitive black lab named Maury girl in college.  Technically, she was Renee’s.  But, we were dating shortly after she got the dog, and living together shortly after that.  Anyhow, it being college… and us thinking we were clever… we taught her a couple silly things.  Instead of ‘shake’, we taught her to do that motion when we said ‘drug deal’.  So, you walk up to Maury girl and say ‘drug deal’, and it would look like she was slipping you a baggie.

Additionally, for ‘down’, we taught her that… but the word she learned that action to was ‘cops’.   In tandem, these were always a huge hit at parties.  She moved with us to Denver, and basically raised Max.  here is something interesting about her… she was SUPER sensitive.  Whenever we would argue, she would cower under the kitchen table and shake.  These aren’t big arguments, mind you.  These aren’t “I slept with your brother”.  These were ‘what kind of monster puts ketchup on steak?”.    We learned we had to go into another room to argue so we wouldn’t upset her.

Here is a bonus fun and rather true story about Maury girl, and the Christmas she almost ruined.

Real animals: What animal have you always wanted as a pet?

All of them!  When I was younger, I imagined when I grew up my house would be a zoo.  I definitely wanted lots of birds flying around.  The wife has forbid it, and for good reasons.  Birds are lousy pets.  They don’t care about you, they are mean, they are pointlessly and endlessly loud, they are wildly independence, and shit everything up.  There is zero love given back to you.

Imaginary animals: Describe the ideal pet, an animal that doesn’t really exist.

A golden retriever that was like 30 pounds.  I want every aspect of that dog… the temperament and the coat and the joy and the desire to please… in a MUCH smaller package.  Forever, we had the most wonderful dog ever, Maxwell Silver Hammer.  he was, of course, a Golden.  We now have a different Golden, named Monty.  What is odd, though, is this new dog looks EXACTLY like the last one.  Not just in temperament and behaviors… as that is probably a Golden Retriever thing… but his hair and coat and face… all of that.   Here is a pic of our current magical little Golden, Monty.

A bit about this picture.  My nephew is visiting from Phx, AZ in this picture.  At home, they too have a golden retriever.  He totally missed his Golden, Rexie.  So, Monty offered to be his Rexie for the weekend.



I can’t even tell who is happier here.  Probably not George.  Doesn’t look like it is going to end well for him.  It’s a pretty great moment.




*** ok, quick addendum to my Trump thing above.  Here is what scares me.  A first thought, you might think ‘well, anything he can do, the next president can undo.’  Problem is… not so much.  You know about ‘separation of govt’, right?  It is designed to have the power carefully divided between 3 bodies:  the executive (POTUS), the judicial (SCOTUS), and the legislature.  Problem is, right now, Trump has all 3.  In fact, it is even stronger than that..  since he has both the house and the senate.

So…. To undo all the shit he is doing… the next president will have to have all those powers in his back pocket.  It will be REALLY tough to get the Supreme Court back if he gets some nominees in.  remember, those appointments are for life.  Impeach him, right?  From what I understand, people are WAY more scared of Pence.


why I love Donald Trump as candidate for President

**** updated early 2017.  Boy was I wrong or what?  I mean, everything below remains accurate… except that part about him never getting elected.

*** update March 2016.  Scroll to bottom for video clip

I am a liberal. Left wing, environmentalist, pro-choice… I am the whole package. Many of my peers are terrified of this Trump candidacy. They fear if this guy gets in to the White House he will destroy any infrastructure whatsoever of govt assistance programs. If you are a righty, you are saying right now ‘yeah, sounds great’. It is believed if he gets in power, he will truly lord over the right wing mantra of ‘sorry you weren’t born rich. Why don’t you get your shit together and stop being so goddamn poor about everything!’ He may do that, were he elected. He won’t be elected. He won’t get close. This is why I LOVE his candidacy.

We liberals have long been pretty confident that the GOP represents rich old white men running the country, with absolute indifference to anyone who isn’t exactly rich or old or white. They tell us that is not the case, but their voting record screams otherwise. The GOP realizes to stay alive they need new demographics STAT. They need women and Hispanics on their side to make it another generation. They trot some minorities, like Rubio or Jindall, to put a brave face on the old stucco white façade. To prove my point, and show I am not just talking liberal shit, here is the actual quote from the actual GOP mission statement after their last loss in the Presidential Election of 2012.

“[W]e need to go to communities where Republicans do not normally go to listen and make our case,” it reads. “We need to campaign among Hispanic, black, Asian and gay Americans and demonstrate that we care about them, too.”

Then, Trump comes along and says “you are goddamn right I am rich and old and white, and fuck you if you aren’t, buddy!”   He didn’t use those exact words, but that was the subtext. When he came out and explained that all illegal Mexican immigrants are rapers and stabbers, he made sure the right will NEVER get an Hispanic vote in the next couple of decades. This is liberal gold to me. It gets better. WAY better. When people pointed out that maybe not exactly every single immigrant is a rapist, he replied verbatim

Then who is doing all the raping?

It is evident by this comment that Trump hasn’t left the East coast. I have spent my entire life in the Southwest, where Mexicans and Mexican labor have been the heart and sole of the entire infrastructure here. Every been to a restaurant anywhere in the Southwest? Ever been in a house, or seen road construction? Then you have seen the fruits of Hispanic labor and culture… legal or otherwise. I can’t speak for the right half of the country, I haven’t spent enough time. I did notice this, though. I was in Atlanta for business years ago and in the nice restaurant there, I saw nary a single Hispanic face. All the labor force was black. You would never see this in Arizona, for example.   So, perhaps Trump literally has no idea how America works. I am here to tell you exactly how America works – it works on the back of the labor of Hispanic men.

How is he on women’s rights? Well, we have this doozy. Again, it is a direct quote from the campaign. People asked him about spousal abuse, and he said “you can not rape your spouse”. Meaning, if you are married, and a man, you can do whatever you want to that little gal. Except, he is super, duper, wrong.

Martial rape has been illegal in all 50 states since 1993.

Good news, though; he wants you to know he is personally, technically, not exactly a rapist.

“You’re talking about the frontrunner for the GOP, presidential candidate, as well as a private individual who never raped anybody. And, of course, understand that by the very definition, you can’t rape your spouse.”

I think we better take a look at that logic. He is saying “I have never raped anyone, especially a spouse”. Yet, he is also saying, in the same fucking sentence, mind you “of course, if I did rape my wife and violently beat her in the process, it wouldn’t count, since she is my spouse.” You can’t have it both ways, man. Note that he has also put in place severe gag restrictions on all his divorces from speaking publicly. I’ll just go the extra mile and assume the gag orders are so they won’t discuss all the raping he did.

Ok, so we have covered Trump on women’s rights, and the ‘immigration issue’. How about ‘dem gays? You will NEVER believe this, but he is against it. Said he is for ‘tradition marriage’, and then tweeted after the Supreme Court decision, that SCOTUS had ‘let us down’. Mind you, he has been divorced twice already. We can only assume that is what he means by ‘traditional marriage’. Analogy time, you know I love analogies. Imagine you needed a math tutor. A guy pops up on Craigslist and says he will tutor you. He believes in ‘traditional math’, and to date he has a 33% GPA in math. 33% is below a F grade. Would you want to be tutored by a guy with a 33% grade point average? No way in hell.   How about if you found out this same guy is about to be in charge of ALL math for everyone. You sir, get NO opinion on marriage. Your comments are moot, as evidenced by your epic historically failure at marriage.

How about Climate Change? Big twist on this one, he doesn’t believe in it. He said “a cold day proves it doesn’t exist”. He goes farther, but let’s just use his own words.

Trump quoteThis drives me nuts. Know why? Everyone has agreed, at least every single scientist, that climate change is real. What you CAN argue about is whether or not it is human caused. THAT is the only discussion, ok? Even Dick Cheney acknowledged that Climate Change is real. Should I be capitalizing the term ‘climate change’? I am not sure. Let’s say no, going forward. That is too much editorial work for a proper righteous rant like this.

How about the environment? Aw, why bother. You know how this is going. Why then, is this ‘liberal gold’? Why do I want to see his candidacy make it another 6 months?

How about fiscal responsibility?  Isn’t the main message of Trump, and all righties, this “listen, you can’t expect the Govt to bail you out.  Get your shit together, pull yourselves up by the bootstraps and make something of yourself.  You can, and will, succeed… but it will be in spite of the government, not because of it!”

I mean, to me, that is the central message of the right.  It’s a good message.  Work hard and stop asking for free shit!  The harder you work, the more you won’t need free shit from the govt.  In fact, the harder you work, you will begin to understand the problem of handing out free shit to everyone.  It encourages them to do nothing for themselves.  That is the underlying subtext, and that is where many Americans would tell you the problems of the country lie.

Yet, Trump’s companies have filed for bankruptcy protection four times.  A chapter 11 bankruptcy, which his were, is begging the govt to protect you from all your creditors while you stop to get your shit back together.  Trump, like every proper righty, believes it isn’t the government’s job to save your business.  Again, stop being so poor about everything.  The government shouldn’t be there to save your ass, but it should be there to save his.  Here I am reminded of the political sage Eric Cartman who once said, on record,

Kenny, dude seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I’m gonna start hocking rocks at you

This is because Trump confirms every single right wing GOP stereotype in one fell swoop. Everything us liberals secretly thought about Republicans… they are all perfectly manifested in this guy. Rich, white, old, and intolerant. He will never be president, I promise you what. What he will be is an inspiration for millions of young Democrat and independent minded people to engage in politics. Trump proves to us all on the left everything we feared and suspected about the right. In closing, I am reminded by this great quote from Kenny Mayne in his book. He asked his grandfather if he was a Democrat or Republican. Grampa’s reply is brilliant “I am a Democrat, but I am saving up to be a Republican.”

Lastly, I don’t believe the people who are supporting him will vote in large numbers. I think he is speaking to a not silent, and possibly not minority, of people who distrust women and immigrants and politicians. Sadly, this demographic is the one most soundly ignored by the GOP. I could expand on that, but it would be a whole ‘nother piece. The longer Trump stays in the race, the better chances a Dem gets the president spot. To that, I can only say.

Here is the excitement – “he speaks is mind.  He isn’t a puppet like the rest of them”.  No, he isn’t speaking his mind.  He is playing us, and well.  I don’t think he gives a shit about 80% of these issues.  He is playing the roll of a loose cannon who only cares about what is right.  In that sense, he is absolutely no different than any of the other assholes.

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