Randy Quaid, and a conversation that must have happened

Before I show you this video… and I will show you this video… we have to wonder exactly how we got here. What transpired leading up to this video being shot? Well, it went like this, and it simply had to.

Hey Randy, you know how you totally carried both Independence Day, AND Christmas Vacation? You know how they have made at least a billion dollars off those movies? You know how those movies were pretty much just you? Remember how your agent told you that you would easily get significant points off the back end gross if the movie netted over 100 million in domestic box office receipts? Remember how we meant to get that in writing, but never did?   Remember how we sold our house ten years ago to Bruce, but kept living in it secretly… until the police told TMZ to have the police arrest us? Then… do you remember how the guy who bought the house from us pulled the total dick move of kicking us out of his house?  Oh… I sell you my house and all the sudden now it’s yours?  Total dick move.  What an asshole.

I sure do, Evi baby. I sure do. In fact, I even remember TMZ then arresting us for doing $10,000 in damage and unpaid bills for that hotel suite that we totally bailed on. I also remember when we asked Rupert Murdoch for our fair share of the billions we made him on those two movies which I totally and singlehandedly starred in. I remember him being all ‘nah, mate, but how about some shrimp on the barbie, guvna?  What’s worse is I remember when the New York Post totally reported the facts about how batshit fucking crazy we are? Remember how the Star Whackers killed Heath Ledger by getting him to take all those pills he was already known to have a problem with? Oh man, and then I remember how they traveled all the way to Asia to kill David Carradine, and make it look like it was a weird sex accident in a manner of which he was known to do weird sex stuff exactly like that according to his ex wife? Man, those guys are total dicks!

They sure are, baby doll. Listen, I am pretty sure I know EXACTLY how we can get our rightful residuals back from the film corporations.

You do? Awesome, babe. You are the best! So, what are we gonna do? Lawyer up? Get our business manager to force an audit on all domestic receipts?

No babe, better!

Petition SAG and AFTRA to pull contracts on all net payouts, since the taxable income is public domain information?

Fuck no, I mean we are really gonna get them!!!

Engage their CEO on a personal level? Maybe ask for a temporary loan against future earnings?

Nah, you big hairy perfect hunk… think bigger!

Engage my brother, Dennis? He has the most powerful agent in all of Hollywood. If we get his agent to make a few calls… we string together a very public boycott with  Hollywood’s top A-listers. It would be a true power move that would benefit every actor who has been a victim of shady accounting from major motion picture studios!

Oh no, my butter ball… BIGGER.

I dunno babe, just tell me already.

Here is what we are gonna do – This is going to fix our image, AND get us back in the country, fix our considerable legal problems, AND get us our money back. You are gonna pretend to fuck me. Fuck me good, from behind… but we’ll just pretend.  Then we release the film… Get it?

What the fuck?  Are you even listening to a word we said?  Seriously, what are you even talking about?  How will that help anything? Jesus, woman… that kind of dipshit thinking is probably why we are on the run, broke, and homeless.  What is wrong with you?

Wait wait wait… I wasn’t done. You are going to pretend to fuck me while I wear a poorly fabricated Rupert Murdoch mask!

Oh snap, why didn’t you say that? That… is fucking genius.  I love you SO much, Evi.

………………………..and…………………. end scene.

I mean… how else do you describe how this happened?

Oh… before you hit the play button… this is not safe for work. Or… good taste.   Or… fans of TMZ


We’re going to Nebraska!

Hartsel, Colorado | Supposedly Bob Dylan has a ranch near he… | Flickr

Attention children of the United States.  The holidays are here, and your family may be talking about ‘vacation’.  Usually, this is swell.  There is an exception you need to know about.  Christmas is coming, and quite frankly your parents can not afford you.  It isn’t that they don’t love you.  They do, but you are expensive.  Your parents are going to start talking about a family trip to Nebraska.

This is your first tip.  Nobody goes to Nebraska on purpose.  No one.  I didn’t even know it was still a state.  I thought it got demoted, like Pluto.  Anyhow, Nebraska has this crazy ass new law that allows families to legally abandon their children there.  Any age up to 18.  Don’t think they won’t.

“It really concerns me that (people from) other states are possibly going to be leaving their children here,” said state Sen. Arnie Stuthman, who introduced the bill that was the basis for the safe-haven law.

Thus far, 17 children have been abandoned under the safe-haven law, including nine from a single family. A 14-year-old girl from Council Bluffs, Iowa, was left at a hospital across the Missouri River in Omaha late Tuesday.

I mean, it’s funny on the surface.  Then, deeply troubling.  Point being, do your chores, children of America!  Your parents are going to abandon you.  Jack, Matthew… I am looking in your direction.  Last night, your father asked me for directions to Nebraska.  That is not a good sign.

The number of children left will continue to climb, including the possibility of seeing children left by desperate parents pushed to the brink by the souring economy, said child advocate Kathy Bigsby Moore. She pointed to research that links economic stress and other risk factors for children.

Uh… yeah Kathy.  That’s a big fat ‘duh’!  How do I know all of this is true?  Maybe this is just liberal elitist media hype, right?   Wrong.  I am writing from inside Nebraska as we speak.  Still waiting for mom to get back from the store.  It’s been 22 years.