new – Wii Yard Work

*** Update Nov 2018 Summer 2019, at the bottom

Hey kids,

Tired of sitting around getting fatter, doing nothing?  Do your parents make you do stupid chores?  Man, chores are the worst… aren’t they?  Who has time for that stuff?  Not you, you are busy eating cheesy poofs and proving why Americans are #1 at fat!

Guess what?  Chores are now cool, thanks to the first in a series of Wii Chores.  It’s the Wii Yard Work®.  Learn how to do this stuff, without getting off the couch.  That’s right, a full day of Saturday chores without getting out of bed.  Learn how virtually:

•  Pig up dog shit
• Mow the lawn
• Ruin mom’s prized rose bush with the mower
• Get sunburned
• Pick up garbage
• Weed the garden
• Listen to that goddamn neighbor’s dog bark all goddamn day.  Jesus, don’t they ever let that thing in?
• Run that janky weedeater, that is likely to tear off someone’s toe eventually
• Jesus Christ on a Crucifix, would it kill the kids to bring me a goddamn lemonade?  They have been on the couch all day doing dick all.
• If someone doesn’t pick up this bike from the front yard, for the thousandth time, I am going to throw it in the garbage already.  I don’t even know why I buy you kids anything when you treat it like this.

Yup, being a grown up sure is rad!  This is your chance to play homeowner.

*** update Nov 2018.  Man, how prescient I was.  Take a look at these ‘toys’ – I wrote this piece above almost ten years ago.

*** Update Summer 2019.  I am not as clever as I thought.  Simpsons did this years before.  That isn’t where i got it from.  I swear I made it up myself.  For reals.  But, I must give credit.  Enjoy!  This is from 1998, and is basically the EXACT premise I made.  Mine was 2009.  If they don’t sue me, I won’t sue them!  Lastly, because I do owe all attribution, this screencap was stolen from the great folks at Cracked.com

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The yutes of America

last fall this cute little kid came to my door. He said he had a dog business and would pick up our dog poop (we have two large dogs) for $5 a week. I thought it was the greatest thing. Heck, I would have given the kid $5 just for taking the initiative to knock on doors and present himself. See, when I was his age (late single digits) I used to mow lawns and do yard work for cash. Anyhow, it was a deal and he came around every weekend and picked up the dog business. Problem was, he didn’t have a pooper scooper. We have a nice one, so we lent it to him. No big problem.

Over time, he came less often. It came to a boiling point today though. He came by and ‘took care of the business’. I gave him a five spot, and asked if he would be sure to drop the business in the garbage bin on the side of the yard. His reply was ‘I’ll need a bag, then’.

It took me a moment to grasp the insanity of this plea. “I’ll need a bag then”. I then asked him what had he done with the dog doo. He said he put it in a pile in the yard. This means I would have to go out and scoop the crap into a bag myself, and drag it to the garbage myself. So what service is he providing? He comes over, uses MY pooper scooper, uses MY bags, then leaves the shit in the yard. This kid has future union leader written all over him!