Friday Fives

1.  When do you get up?

as late as possible.  can’t stand mornings.  don’t even care for you asking me that question.  On school days, the alarm goes off at 7 and I am moving around 7:45 am.  On weekends, around ten-ish if I can.

2.  Do you pout and preen like cheap tarts in a red light street?

outstanding Police reference, first and foremost.  The Police was my very first rock concert… when I was ten.  I am fine with each and every red light.  After about 4 in a row, though, I start to get victimy.
3.  Does it taste like chicken?

what?  I know what you want.  You want me to make a ‘your mother’ joke, am I am simply above it.  Grow up, seriously.

4.  This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; – what’s next?

you know, I have always struggled with this.  I have a friggin’ English degree, and I just finally learned it a few years ago.  Here is the deal; anything after the semi-colon should be something that stands on its own as a sentence.  A colon (:) is generally used for lists.  At list, by me.
5.  What do you keep in your picinick basket, boo boo?

your mother, and a bottle of wine.

Friday Fives

Friday hodge podge.


Where is your favorite place to eat breakfast.

I don’t like breakfast.   I don’t even like the question.  Just the very mention of mornings frankly angers me.  I will tell you this, it would involve bacon.

What is your favorite place to get stinkin’ drunk

besides safe at home > My brothers bar.  One of America’s most famous and old and literary bars.  Yet, you have to know where it is.  It has no signs of any kind.   I know that sounds dramatic, but if you are in… you know.  * that picture above.  Taken from my blackberry about a month ago for no good reason.  Fortunately, I had it sitting there, so it segued quite nicely… don’t you think?

‘t What do you do to ask for forgiveness (see above)

buy flowers, and be sincere about not doing it again.  most importantly… not doing it again.  I have been married for 12 plus years, I am good at this stuff.

What is your absolute, must have on hand condiment?

your mother

Do you follow celebrity gossip?  Who gets your attention.

first off, I am above all of this.  I don’t participate in your bullshit bourgeois patriarchal celebrity culture.  Second, I never miss TMZ and I read the enquirer every week in the bath.  Yeah, I know.  I suck.  On an unrelated note, doesn’t Harvey look great for being 58?  Seriously, it’s kinda creepy how old he is.  Mostly, I wonder why Woody Harrelson goes apeshit around all paparazzi.  Isn’t weed supposed to mellow you out?

I’m a lawyer!

Friday Fives

Do you read the comics ?  What is your favorite?

 Currently?   No.  If I do, I never miss John McPherson’s ‘Close to Home’.   However, I am old complainey guy when it comes to comics.  The golden age is gone.  Calvin & Hobbes, Bloom County, the Far Side… all gone.   What do we have left, Mary Worth?

Do you have a favorite concert video?


Oh man, lots.  That is actually all I buy on DVD.  The best sound is the Rush in Rio set, the best performance is the acoustic set on the Led Zeppelin set, and for all around greatness, U2’s Elevation.  My favorite bands are Pearl Jam and Smashing Pumpkins, but neither has a definitive live experience DVD.   Oh, and there are a few awesome Grateful Dead ones.  Also, some totally shitty Grateful Dead one’s.   ‘Truckin’ up to Buffalo’ is the best overall, for both setlist… and audio quality.

 I am sipping on a nice California Sangiovese.  Do you have a good wine story?


Not really.  The wife and I did the whole wine country tour… before ‘Sideways’.  It was great.  Hoppin’ around Northern California drinking free wine and talking to all these mom and pop businesses finally living their passion.  That was a great experience.

It’s baseball season and this year I am obsessed with Rockies telecasts.  Do you have a interest that ought to be a national past time?


Well, anything is better than watching baseball.  Having my scrotum waxed is more entertaining than watching baseball on TV.  So, what is my passion?  NFL.

When was the last time you played Scrabble or another board game?


Mexico.  We have a little travel scrabble set that zips up into a tiny little suitcase that we take when we fly.  So, we sat on the beach a lot drinking Coronas and playing scrabble.  She usually beats me.

Friday Fives

1. How do you fell about re-gifting?

not really for it or against it. Boring question. Save that for the Christmas edition.

2. Regardless of the genre, name a work that should be a cult classic but isn’t

Smashing Pumpkins – Gish. It is a very niche album. Wasn’t meant to appeal to many, and the production is sparse. However, it is beautiful and powerful and perfect in every way. Or, was this supposed to be about movies?

3. I never did the catechism. What is so good about Friday?

ah yes, I did all that schooling. There is nothing good about Friday. Friday was the day their leader, Christ, was murdered. I have talked about this before. Let’s say I get killed on a Tuesday. Call that Tuesday whatever you want, but don’t called it ‘awesome Tuesday’. That kinda hurts, and really sends the wrong message. Don’t worry, the giant bunny will move the Sisyphean boulder yet again up the hill and our lord will emerge.

4. Ever see the Simpson’s episode in the store where Marge finds all the discount tapes of real and make believe amalgams of groups like Air Supply, Loggins & Oates, Seals & Crofts, Pablo Cruise etc. ?
When Lisa asks what kind of music they all play, Marge can’t recall the genre. Homer offers “Crap rock?”, but that’s not it. Then Bart says, “Wuss rock?”, and that’s it.
So, with all that said, what is the worst Wuss Rock band of all-time?

REO Speedwagon. They are soundly mocked, a la Michael Bolton. Yet, they wrote huge sounds and toured stadiums. The music was as gay as Billy Squires, yet bigger. Actually, maybe I should change my answer to Billy Squires.

5. So, when Carl Kipper gets out of jail, will you let him date your sibling?

Steve? No. Steve is a top, and so is Carl. I see all kinds of conflict, not to mention Steve being an Aries cusp. Unless Carl’s moon is in the Capricorn house, all you get out of that relationship is gay drama and broken dishware.

Friday Fives

1. Do you believe in good and/or bad luck?

I actually very very much believe in the old saying “you make you own luck”

2. Do you believe there is one man/woman luckier than all the rest?

you are treading into Gladwell’s latest treatise.
  That is mostly over my head, and too thinky.  I would say, generally not.  I do believe some are born with more talent than others… which is pretty close.  An example?  Justin Timberlake.  I do not own a single Timberlake song or track (other than ‘Dick in a Box’).   So, I don’t know about his singing.  I do know, however, he is extremely funny, and a terrific actor.   Dude is great looking and extremely personable.  I ain’t gay, but Timberlake is hot, talented, funny as well, and a fabulous dancer.  That’s all I am saying.  I call that talent, you can call it luck.  Nothing gay about that, eh?

3. When was the last time you considered yourself lucky?

just about every day I pull into my driveway.  really.  drive up in my nice truck to my own house where my wife and dogs and all that are home waiting.  Life is great, I have no complaints.  Ok, maybe an occasional bitch… but no regrets.

4. What is the most unlucky thing to ever happen to you?

being born a Democrat in Arizona.

5. Where do you think luck (good or bad) comes from?

1.  luck   2.  hard work  3.   a positive attitude

Friday Fives

Do you keep a journal?

like a diary?  No.  I used to keep journals in college, but right now I would say this is truly my journal.  Right here, you reading it now!  See how generous I am?

Do you doodle.  What is it you doodle?

not really.  If I have a pen in my hand, it’s because I have to… so I am likely making or taking notes.

Deep base or rolling melody?

having no idea what that means, I would say rolling melody.  Aw, who am I kidding?  I have a $1200 stereo in my truck and all I listen to is NPR.  I am so lame, it’s just sad.

When you quibble, and trust me you do, what do quibble about the most?

* warning to the reader.  Upcoming 6 paragraph tangential rant directly ahead.  As an editor, I would edit this for being pointless and rambling.  However,  also being the author… this guy is dead on!  The piece remains in tact!  – ed

usually, the utter wrongness of the Republican philosophy and ideology.  Like, when Republicans bitch about the monster deficit of the Obama admin.  These same people said nothing when Bush racked up the hugest debt in history, and spent every penny overseas.   Bush gave 10 billion, BILLION, to Pakistan.  No one said a word.  Obama wants to spend money in OUR country, on our bridges, on our schools, on our electricity grid and everyone is butt hurt.  If you are Republican, you are all retarded failures at everything.   Seriously, just go kill yourself.  You are the reason why the entire world is in the shitter right now, and instead of doing anything to help anyone, you sit around and listen to Rush waiting for Obama to fail.  die.

As for that awesome comment I hear every day, where people say “I sure would like to find that money tree that Obama gets all this money from”.  I say “from the same fucking tree that Bush used for Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Iraq you fucking ignorant asshole.  You just didn’t recognize the money because it had never been spent in our own country on our own people before.”

I mean, everyone asks ‘what if this doesn’t work?’  You  mean, what happens if we end this term with nothing but: better roads, newer bridges, better schools, health care for the working class, energy independence, and job creation?  Is that your fear?  Is that what happens if we ‘fail‘?  Or, do you mean, what if he does all that and we are still deep in debt?  Well, what do we have to lose?  What is the downside of this plan?  We are already super deep in debt as a country, and we are approaching 10% unemployment.  By fall, 10% of American houses will sit empty, as 10% of Americans are without their homes.

Seriously, what do we have to lose?  Money?  Credibility?  We are broke, our houses aren’t worth shit, we are in two wars, we are 38th in the world for health care, and the world hates us.   What exactly do we have to lose, here?  Who gives a shit about our national debt?  I mean, who really does?  Has the national debt ever been tacked on your burger king bill or paycheck?  You never did care before, and you won’t after this.  If we are going to print money like the Republicans did (Reagan and the two Bush’s have the highest deficit spending records in history, fact) then why not get something out of it?  Why not fix a road or two?  Why not throw down some health care for some of the 50 million uninsured in this country so they CAN go to work and pay taxes and spend money in their communities?

800 billion.  Ok, let’s imagine the worse case fiscal scenario.  Let’s imagine in eight years we still owe the 800 million.  Let’s just say that happens, and the tax revenue to pay it back didn’t materialize.  Yet, we owe that but we pay for community college for any kid who wants in, health care is available to all working Americans.  Let’s imagine that we don’t worry about Muslim extremists bombing our country because they are all dead ass broke because we don’t buy their oil anymore?  A bankrupt terrorist isn’t too much of a threat this far away.  Wanna stop terrorism?  Voting Republican doesn’t do it, not buying gas ever again does.

Let’s say those things happen and we still owe 800 billion to ‘future generations’.  Wouldn’t it be worth it?  I have had this piece simmering violently in me for months.  It started when all those fucktards in Congress (both parties) that passed the TARP bailout that bought new jets for all those wall street assholes and still haven’t loaned a penny to the American blue collar workers.    Where we you on that one?  That whole piece of shit buyout went down on Bush’s watch.  Socialism?  Yeah, it’s happening, and not because of the Dems.  Because Bush had to buyout all the banks that robbed your asses since Clinton handed them the keys on the honor system.

other than that, I an generally and agreeable person.  I swear.*

How much does Carl Kipper actually owe you?

honestly, that is between Carl and I.  I don’t to my dirty laundry in public.  By the way, if you see him (and this seems to imply you do see him fairly often), tell him I am looking for him.  When you do that, make that knife pantomime motion across your throat for me.  He’ll know who its from.

*  ok, that’s it for now.  have a great weekend.  I love you all, and I am sorry I got so mad at you Republicans.  I just can’t tolerate how wrong you have been for the last eight years, and how much deep deep damage you have all done.  You all deserve to suffer, frankly, and now you have taken us all down with you.

Friday Fives > late night tv edition

Who is your current favorite late night talk show person?

Craig Ferguson

who is your all time late night favorite talk show person

Letterman.  I was raised on Letterman.  When I was a kid, we went and saw the Letterman show in person in NYC.  How long ago was it?  Letterman’s show was a morning show, true story!  So, why would I betray Dave and vote for Craig above?   Well, Dave has gotten a bit stale for me.   Also, it seems like it is always in reruns.  Plus, Dave hired Craig and is his employer.   So, they remain critically linked.

do you have a favorite late night talk show memory?

yes, and it isn’t that one above.  Ok, there was one great memory from that day.  It was almost 30 years ago, so I have few memories.  This is one, though.  In the elevator up to the studio we shared space with Gene Shalit*.  Being 7 or 8 years old and seeing that man pretty much freaked me out for life.  I mean, seriously… he really looks like… well…  that.  However, since that was a morning show… we won’t use that memory.  So, here is this one.  I went to LA years ago on vacation and we were offered free tickets to see Arsenio Hall’s late night show tape.  We went that night and they were oversold.  The nice production assistant lady told me if we came back the next night we would be front row.

well, you are thinking that was showbiz hokum and they screwed us.  Not the case at all.  We came back the next day and his producer recognized us and put us in the very front row.  This was awesome, because tv studios are WAY smaller than they look on TV.  We were just a few feet away from the whole thing.  Not only were we on national tv (they pan through the front row as part of the intro every night), but the guests were awesome!  We got to see Dennis Miller (when he was funny, not a Republican douchebag apologist) and Anna Nicole Smith.

So, what’s going to happen next year when Leno steps down?

I think a huge shake up will roll through the industry.  I think it can be compared to a couple of years ago when all three big network night news guys stepped down almost simultaneously:  Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, and Peter Jennings.   30 or 40 years each, and they all disappeared almost overnight.  I literally think it will be like that.  Letterman will walk away and John Stewart will drop in there somewhere.

also, though everyone likes to make fun of him from MTV, Carson Daly is great.  Seriously, he has a great future.  He is a genuine, funny, and smart dude.

who would be a great talk show host, beside yourself, famous or otherwise?

Bobby Weir from the Grateful Dead.  He is passionate and articulate. He is funny and interesting. He is also really weird, and being in the Grateful Dead for 40 years, dude must have some AMAZING stories.  He would have to shave the beard, though.  It is super creepy.

* now remember.  Many things have happened to you in your life.  Many bad and horrible things.  There are things you know about that you would give anything to make never happen.  Being in an elevator with Gene Shalit is exactly like that.  Mostly, at night, I just cry.