an open letter from Tom Brady

Since Tom isn’t going to cop to cheating, AND since he just officially got away with it (again)… I have penned an apology letter for him.

I am sorry and embarrassed for everyone regarding these events.  Let me first state that I truly believe in the integrity of the game.  This isn’t just what I do, football is all I do. It’s the only thing I care about. For the last 6 months… nay… 6 years, I have heard the call ‘cheater’.  It hurts.  However, I also fully get why people feel that way.  If I was on the outside looking in, I would level the same accusations.  I am not a cheater.  I have never cheated, nor would I.  There is no need to cheat when you are a god.  Ask Jesus.

My lawyers are going to have a heart attack with this, but let me tell you what happened from my eyes.  I will tell you everything.   I have to do this quickly, before my agents get a hold of me.  Here is the whole truth, in writing. I remember that game, and I remember those footballs.  OF COURSE I noted they seemed squishy.  There is not a day that has gone by since I was 12 years old that I haven’t carried a football in my arms.  Allow me to elaborate.  When you are banging your ‘6’ of a wife… I know you are secretly thinking about banging my ‘10’ of a wife.  I get that.  When I am banging my ‘10’ of a wife, I am actually thinking about footballs.  I know it’s dumb, I am just being honest.  When you only bang tens, like I do, it gets boring.

What did I do when I noticed the balls were under-inflated?  First, let me say this… it has been going on for years.  Frankly, I love it.  I am not being evasive.  I’ll put it in writing here right now.  What did I do when I noticed the balls were under-inflated?  I did nothing, and I told no one.  Here is why.  It makes the ball easier to throw and catch.  Do you know how cold it is in Boston?  It’s goddamn fucking freezing.  We have a VERY complicated and VERY expensive organization.  We have 300 people on our payroll.  Think I know, or even care, who inflates football? I don’t spend my days thinking about what they do with the gear. My job isn’t to judge the balls they hand me.  My job is to throw the balls they hand me, and that I do. How under-inflated were they?  I have no idea, I haven’t felt my fingers in 13 years.

Do me a favor, asshole.  You come to Boston in January.  Stand outside at 4 pm in nothing but lyrca and plastic.  Cold, isn’t it?  Now, do that for four fucking hours. Got it? Now… do that once a week all winter for 13 years.  How sensitive are your fingers?  Oh, you can’t feel them anymore?   How about I throw you a football hard as I conceivably can… while my 4 fattest, strongest, and blackest friends chase you at top speed.  When you are laying upside on a frozen grass field because a 350 pound guy just hit you while running about 20 mph.  THEN… tell me 5 different attributes of the football that was once in your hands. See, if that happened to you once, it would be the worst day of your life.  This is my day job.  It happens every goddamn Sunday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday.  John Elway took 300 career sacks.  That doesn’t even count practices or pre-season.  What a pussy!

There is another piece to be aware of; It was brought to the ref’s attention (after assface went off-sides, threw an illegal block, and intercepted it).  He noticed it was squishier than the Colt’s teams’ balls.  Well, let’s just look at his story, shall we?  Anything stand out, here?  First off, I can not possibly compare the inflation of our footballs to theirs.  I don’t touch their balls.  You know who else doesn’t?  A goddamn defensive back.  This is a guy who does not play with EITHER team’s footballs.  He is a defensive player.  All the sudden is he is an expert on pneumatics and physics?  You think I am going to lose my career to a fucking hillbilly fish rapist from Indianapolis?  No sir, I will not.  Do you know what Indianapolis leads the world in?  Hint; it isn’t racing, or football, it’s probably fish rape.  No one knows, as no scientist has been able to stay longer than a weekend.

I don’t cheat.  I am too good to cheat.  I am an ‘advantage’ player.  That is what they call card counting in Vegas.  It isn’t against the law, either.  It’s math.  If you had made it past 7th grade education, you would have known that.  Yes, I knew the balls were under-inflated.  Yes, I told no one.  Do you run to the police and turn in a $100 bill, or do you keep it?  Trick question, as it is clear you have probably never seen a $100 bill.  The point stands, though.  I did not flatten those football.  I did not touch those footballs pre-game.  I did not instruct ANYONE to flatten the footballs.  Why would I?  I am the greatest quarterback in history.  Oh, and let’s just pretend I did opt to cheat; would I play that card against the fish HIV capital of North America?  We beat them by 40 points!  Like I am going to cheat for that.  That would be like cheating on my wife with Andrew Luck.  Even if I were to cheat… it wouldn’t be for that.

I can’t tell you who let the air out.  I have no idea.  However, if I were a betting man… well… let’s say the culprit’s name rhymes with Jastremski.  That is all I’m sayin’.  Do the math yourselves!  Get it?

Lastly, do you think my coach is going to go down for flat footballs?  Check the numbers.  Like him or not, the man is the greatest coach in football history.  In the afterlife, Vince Lombardi will be his ball boy.  You think my coach is going down for this?  The man INVENTED cheating.  If you only knew the shit he had us doing, it would make you sick to your stomach.  You really think that Bill Belicheck, the man who invented ref bribing and point shaving, is going to lose his titles over flat footballs?  This man killed a hooker with his bare hands.  He ain’t going down on a flat football.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself.  Tom Brady, out!

sidebar:  did you guys know I had kids?  Dude, there is a brick of them.  I had no idea until about 3 weeks ago, when Gisele asked me to change a diaper.  Like these billion dollar hands are going to get covered in baby shit.  What, do I play for the Colts, all the sudden?  Seems they know an awful about the squishy squishy.  That’s all I’m sayin.

update Sept 2015 – I stand correct


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