Friday Fives – I shot Lincoln edition

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Someone brings you a box full of everything you have ever lost, but you can only take three items. What do you take?

My beautiful long hair, my aunt Sharon, my last United States President

The last thing you purchased is now illegal to own. What is it?

Soup?  You fuckers made soup illegal?  This is BULLSHIT.  Thanks a lot, Trump

What is the best accent and why?

English, because people with that accent just sound smarter.  Sorta like how Southern accents make people sound dumb?  Same thing.

You are thrown back in time 200 years, and need to prove the local authorities that you are highly educated. What do you do?

Hmm.  200 years ago?  That puts us at 1817?  What was happening in 1817?  Just thinking off the top of my head, we have slavery and the civil war around 1860… cars around 1900, and that rapid and insane industrialization all over the world shortly after.  BUT… what happened of consequence in the early 1800s?

See, I am thinking that I need something historical about to happen, so I can say ‘told you so, dickless!’   but… that isn’t what the result would be, is it?  If I said ‘Abe Lincoln will be killed tomorrow’ and it happens… am I a hero?  A seer?  No.  They would either assumed I was directly involved in the killing, or some kind of evil magician.

What is the best thing you have seen thrown out

A vacuum.  I was working at Target  in college, and Target was really big on talking about all the good they did in their community.  It was Christmas time, so Target was especially talking about their love of the proletariat.  Anyhow, there was a really nice vacuum that was a display model, and it was being thrown out.  The planogram (official store layout) had changed.  Now that the vacuum was no longer being featured on an end-cap, it was to be thrown away.  It was brand new, never even used.  Just taken out of the box.  I thought ‘let’s sell it as used’… or… give it to one of these poor families we are always celebrating… or give it to an employee.  Shit, it was Christmas-time.  Give it to an employee.  We all made minimum wage.  For me, it was fine… I had no overhead as a college kid.  My friends there had kids… lots of them… and made minimum wage.  It’s a chiche, but many of them couldn’t afford to shop there.  Target isn’t that cheap.  Target is great because you can get everything there, but if you are poor… you shop at Wal Mart.

And this $400 vacuum was just thrown out.  That super pissed me off.  Not just 21 years ago, but to this day.  I think I am still cheesed about it because they asked me to throw it out.  I remember putting it at the top and edge of the dumpster, hoping a peer would steal it out.  I don’t remember if they did.

Another thing I didn’t like, since we are here… you had to work at Target for a year an a half before you could get health care.  Again, when you could get it, many couldn’t afford it… as they only made minimum wage at the time – $4.80.  This isn’t for me, I was just covering a reasonable rent on a college pad.  I didn’t have a car, and I had health care from my folks.  Minimum wage was fine for me, but it would suck ass if I had kids.  Stupid kids.

Friday Fives explains crop dust circles

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What was your favorite past time in high school?

Besides the usual stuff of parties and cars and girls and all those other Springsteen tropes?  Playing football.  I wasn’t on the official team, for a variety of reasons.  However, every day at lunch we would meet at the field and play tackle football.  It was great fun, I still miss it.

What is your all time favorite board game game?

Stratego.  I think it’s out of print, took me years to find it.  Totally holds up.  Just can’t find anyone else who cares.  So… it just sits there in the corner.  Know something weird about board games?  I think there were all made by Milton Bradley.  Know what other board game Milton Bradley makes?  Ouija board.  Yeah, doesn’t that seem kinda fucked up?  I have never gone near one, and have no intention to.  Even though I am pretty confident it’s total bs.

What is the last movie you saw at the theater and what did you think of it?

I think it was probably La La Land.  It was enjoyable.  You can do a lot worse than staring at Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling for a couple of hours.  I have the hots for Emma, and it’s safe to say wifey feels the same about Gosling.

What is something (no matter what kind of mood your in) that makes you happy the moment you do it, see it, or hear it?

boobs

Do you believe that crop circles are made by human or alien?

I think this has long been settled, has it not?  Englishmen, pranksters… use wood boards held up with ropes to gently tramp down the crops, using their body weight over the boards.  They move along ‘tramlines’, which are the unplanted walkways designed for farmers to quickly move around their fields on ATVs or such.  Ok, ran a google and found out I was right I am Correct.… pretty much on every single point I had remembered.

Friday Fives – Spring Fling

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it’s Spring, what’s your thing?

 

spring cleaning – got a big cleaning coming up?  Any cleaning you do (only) seasonally?

not for the interior.  Outside, though, yes.  The wonderfulness of Winter in Colorado on a ranch is not doing a damn thing to the property all Winter.  Now, it’s time to spread a LOT of manure, check the fencing, put a new mailbox in, stuff like that.  you know, I hated doing yard work on my teeny tiny tenth of an acre in town.  It seemed stupid to mow and water and fertilize 20 feet by 30 feet.  now that I have 5 acres, though, I LOVE working outside.  The key is having decent wireless headphones.

reminds me of a game.  I game I invented.  The Wii yard work!

baseball – juiced up overpaid meatheads?  Or, America’s past time?

ha!  I made a funny.  I wrote these questions, as my editor is likely in the drunk tank again in Commerce City.  I think we are supposed to call baseball ‘America’s Pastime’.  I typed the question as ‘past time’.  Total fruedian slip ‘Sirian slip‘.  I am sure baseball was a great pastime, and now that time has passed.  I am not against baseball… but nor am I for it.  Don’t care.  Baseball is like Paris, or the NFC.  I am aware it exists, but indifferent about it.  HA – another example of google subtext.  I went to google a picture of the NFL’s NFC conference, and typed in AFC.  Even my formidable and incredible hands could not take the order seriously to look up anything about the NFC.

Council of Nicea – a unifying summit of godly goodness?  Or the greatest cover up of all time?  Defend your answers, and show your work

I am not a fan.  Do you know what it is?  Allow me to very briefly explain.  For a few hundred years, there was a LOT of versions of Christianity going around.  It was admittedly confusing.  In 325 ad, a bunch of important people got together and said “listen, we need to simplify and unify the message of Christianity.  Doug, for example, has been going down to down explaining that Christ’s message was for you to show him your boobs.  We need 1 message, and 1 bible.  We aren’t leaving this room until that is done.”

I get that part, and it makes sense.  Thanks a lot, Doug.  But, mostly it censored everything the pushy guys didn’t like.  Mary, for example, was not a marginal player or lowly prostitute following the gang at a distance.  She was a very significant figure.  It is believed she was likely at least an equal of the men, and a full apostle.  She had her own book.  A lot of people did, and they cut all that out.  Only much much later did we find some of these original censored and ‘satanic’ bibles.  The Dead Sea Scrolls was one such find.

the other thing I didn’t like about this it that the council was held in 325.  this means LONG LONG LONG after Jesus, and all his people, were dead.  So, no one could pipe up and say “actually, Donald, Jesus was fine with Doug doing that whole boobie thing.  It was the rest of us who had to put the kibosh on it.”

I have said this before, and I shall explain again.  I do believe there was a Jesus.  I do believe he was a great and charismatic leader of men.  I do not believe he had any magical powers, though.  I also do not believe he was the son of god anymore than you or I am.   Well… obviously not you.  Look at how you are dressed!  I believe Jesus was sadly and cruelly executed, and that is story ends there… up on that cross.

Regardless of your beliefs, we do know the Council of Nicea was real, and had real consequences.  Please read more about it, from people smarter and less biased than I.  Here is the wiki page.

jesus – god’s resurrected son who walked out of that crypt, or charismatic leader and mortal who sadly did die that day on the cross?

Didn’t we just cover this?  who writes this dreck?

Tony Romo- was he great?  Could he have been?  Would you keep him, if you knew you could protect him?

I don’t think he got the chance to be great.  I think he might have been great, but was either too fragile, or had shit for an offensive line to protect him.  If you say his name 3 times in the mirror, he breaks a collarbone.  Sure, he blew a couple really really big plays… but who did that more than Peyton Manning?  Being great isn’t easy, and it comes with an epic share of monumental fuck ups along the way.

thing is, football is just murder on the body.  I bet he is getting offered the EXACT same amount of money (around ten million is an educated guess) to do tv as he was to play football.  In fact, Shannon Sharpe left football when he was playing amazing top notch football.  It was a huge surprise when he retired and went to CBS.  When a reporter (probably the great Rick Reilly… miss that guy)*** asked him why he walked away, he said “they offered me the same money, and no one is trying to kill me every Sunday anymore.”

you can’t argue with that logic.  I’ll tell you what we can, do.  Take this opportunity to look at the amazing Jessica Simpson.  At the time, she was brilliantly dubbed ‘Yoko Romo’.   and maybe since we are on this topic, take a moment out to remind us all how horribly creepy her father was.  The man said ‘she’s got double d’s.  You can’t keep those puppies down!’.   Can you imagine your dad saying that about you?

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ok, we started talking about Spring, and then a pretty thoughtful conversation about Jesus, and whether or not the council of Nicea was good old fashioned bullying.  How did we end up looking at hot and vapid pictures of Jessica Simpson?  My guess is you didn’t come here for Sunday School, did you?

*** Rick Reilly is not dead, he just retired about ten years ago.  Find one of his books of columns.  He was a sports guy, but with a brilliant wit.  Combine Dave Barry and Bill Simmons and you have Rick Reilly

Friday Fives – Better Call Vince

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What’s one popular TV show you just refuse to watch and why?

Game of Thrones.  Why?  So many reasons.  One is, I didn’t have HBO at the time.  Yes, I know its probably on Netflix or amazon.  But, by the time it made it there, you aholes were already overbearing about it.  Next reason- too goddamn confusing.  Which families and bloodlines or whatever.  Could not keep straight, everyone looked the same (except the midget, who is a brilliant actor).  We tried, the wife and I.  We were told ‘just watch at least 2 or 3, then it will make sense.”  Didn’t happen.  “just watch the first season, then it will make sense”.  NO, I am putting in 15 to 20 hours for a show to make sense.”  Then, in a last ditch, they remind me (even girls, mind you) “there is tons of nudity and senseless violence, you will LOVE it.”

Listen, its true.  I love nudity and violence on screen.  Maybe those are my favorite things in life.  But, there wasn’t enough to explain that confusing ass show, and force me to sit through it.

What’s one of your favorite movies that is overlooked and not praised enough?

There are two.  Both are genius, and both are truly terrible in so many ways.  Gotcha, and Summer School.  I have talked about them before, and I shall again.  See them.  That is a kind, but firm, order.

What movie would be vastly improved by replacing the protagonist with a killer robot?

What movie wouldn’t?  How about one of my other favorite and underrated movies – Como Agua para Chocolate.  If you weren’t so dead inside, you would know the movie, and be laughing your ass off at that absurd image.

What actor or actress will only be remembered for a single role they played?

Jonathan Banks as Mike Ermentrout.

  Absolutely one of my favorite characters ever.  Full disclosure, though, I am watching season 2 of ‘Better Call Saul’ right now.  The whole second season just dropped on Netflix this week.

What was the most cringeworthy acting performance in a movie/TV show?

There is a common myth movie snobs love to float around – that Keanue Reeves and Nick Cage can’t act.  Why?  Because it’s SO true it hurts.  So, what is the difference?  Keanu Reeves is a wonderful person, and Nick Cage is a narcissist douchebag.  Plus, Keanue picks better movies.  He’s still terrible in them, but mostly they are watchable.  Nick Cage then wins the question.

 

the new writer’s strike

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America,

I am all for the proletariat.  I am all for unions.  I am all for the working class, and especially the creative arts.

Until today.  I read the writers guild is about to go on strike again.  Why?  Well, why is kinda funny.  See, after the last strike basically devastated the industry… the industry learned to do without them.  THIS is why everything on TV is ‘reality based’, because production companies are terrified to depend on writers.  So… a few years ago, they literally learned to do without… because they had to.

So… after that serious ugliness… )and it was incredibly serious if you watched tv or movies.  All tv and movies simply stopped.  Literally, even all talk shows stopped.) production companies did as best as they could to not get stuck in this pickle again.  For a while, it worked.  Everything on tv was ‘reality’ based.  Remember when Food network did shows about cooking and people?  Remember ALL of that programming went away in favor of food based competition shows?  That was because of the writer’s strike.

Now, however, we are in this amazing period of ‘peak tv’.  Ushered in by the greatness of shows like ‘the Wire’, ‘the Sopranos’, and ‘Breaking Bad’… tv is better than ever.  TV used to be the poor little step child of movies, the ‘Silver Screen’.  Now, we can all see that most tv is far superior to most movies… no matter how hard Brent Bozell tries.

Now, the writers are going to strike again.  I FULLY get why.  Their wages keep going down, there is no job security, and their benefits are shit.  Power to the people, right?  However, going on strike only makes sure the industry will NEVER AGAIN need writers.  Keep taking beef away, for a really long time.  It doesn’t make us want beef more.  Maybe at first, but in time we simply learn to live without beef.  So, if beef is gone for 2 weeks… we are thrilled to have it back.  If beef is gone for 5 years… once it comes back, we say ‘no thanks.  We moved on.  Sorry you weren’t here for us.  Hey… want some chicken?”

The way to prove you are needed isn’t to leave.  If you do that, I assure you they will find a way to not need you.

atheism

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People ask me how, or why, I am an atheist.  A great question, which I don’t mind discussing at all.  However, some people say “you are just agnostic.”  That statement frustrates me.  It may be true, in a super philosophical sense… but it is also diminishing.  Even if I were, shut your pie hole.  I don’t tell you what to believe, and you shan’t tell me.

(ed note.  It appears you ARE telling people what to believe.  It’s the very nature of this post.  Geesh, you are a bully, man!)

So, I should start with some qualifiers.  I never had a bad experience at church, or with religion.  I grew up going to church, and it wasn’t that bad.  I grew up in a Catholic church… in AZ… and never even got diddled!  We know they sent most of the pedos from the East coast to NM and AZ.  In fact, when I was young… I kinda enjoyed mass.  Our church had a rock band, people were always super nice, and there was always free donuts.

Nothing bad or cryptic happened to me… not with god, or church. I don’t think I ever believed in god, ever, in my heart. Frankly, I suspect the same for you, and most others.  Like the pledge of allegiance, I just dutifully accepted it.  When I got to thinking about it, I could not see a value or reason of god.  I remember talking with my friend Brian, this is at 6 or 7 or 8 years old.  We were talking about who we love the most.  I remember thinking and saying “God, mom, and my dad”.  Then, I realized that my priorities needed adjustment.  It was mom, then dad, then god.  I mean, mom and dad did all the cooking and raising and working and loving.

Here comes an important point.  You might say “but it is through god they can do this.  god invented your mom, and god invented diapers.”  Sure, but god isn’t in there wiping poo.  God isn’t doing the heavy lifting there, and god didn’t get up every night at 3 am.

God?  God didn’t do shit.

I know, I know, you want to say that god had a hand in all of that.  Maybe, but god didn’t work 12 hour retails shifts on her feet like my mom did.  God didn’t take us camping in the summer, that was dad.  Do you see my logic here?  This is the empirical thinking of a 7 year old.  Well, it still holds up to 45 year old me today.

PT 2 – we are MORE moral.

this is a big one.  People who identify as religious believe that godless folks are less moral.  I can PROVE to you why that is wrong.  I am godless.  I do very good work in my community.  I volunteer for the dog shelter (DDFL.org), teaching in under privileged schools (JA.org), the Red Cross (RedCross.org) and my county’s emergency management team.  We won’t talk about how I spend my Sundays fixing shit in my community, while you spend your Sundays in church TALKING about fixing shit in your community.  No, sir.  My point is this, and it is really important you grasp this.  Literally, please email me or comment if you don’t understand.  Maybe I am mis-understanding it.  Truly, this is an open dialogue.  Send me almost anything on this topic and I will publish it below… especially if you try and make a well reasoned argument.  If you just post ‘you are stupid and going to hell’, I may not publish it.  Why, it makes your side look horrible, and that isn’t fair.

I do these good things not because I hope to get to heaven.  I do not do them because god is watching.  I do not do them because I may go to hell if I don’t.  I do them because I feel they are right.  the question to you is, what would you do if your god wasn’t watching?  Integrity is what you do when no one is looking.  Write that down somewhere.  It’s my mantra.

Friday Fives – my editor’s obvious concern for zombies

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Are zombies people too?

Well… they certainly were

Should there be an order banning zombies from any immigration? 

Yes, due to their recruiting practices.  Not unlike the gays and blacks, zombies propagate and multiply by the brain eating of the living.  But let’s not use labels.

Should healthcare reform cover undead chain saw wounds? 

Depends on the future earning potential of said ‘zombie’, which my client and I resent the use of.  Going forward, please refer to us a ‘previously living’.  ‘Zombie’ is an unfair pejorative, and frankly a tired stereotype.

Can pets become zombies too?  Are you looking to buy some?

Let’s just say I have proof the answer is yes

Which favorite celebrity would make the best zombie? 

Johnny ‘Rotten’ Lydon.  He is SO already there.  Take a look for yourselves.

ok.  You deserve more here. However, I have to go to bed because the news people told me tomorrow is going to be a blizzard, and I have a long ass drive to work.  Interesting side note, today is exactly 1 year from the last blizzard that was historic to Colorado.  It was the first time they put a chain law in place in the city