About that tattoo, lady

Image result for dancing bear grateful dead

This happened to me yesterday, thought I would share with you.  I was leaving a doc appt, heading through the parking lot to my truck.  This was in a medical campus of sorts, and was very confusing to navigate.  I had been someone lost in the same plaza just an hour before. That is why I got there early.  Anyhow, this lady asks me which huge soulless building is 15753, as they weren’t even labeled well.

Having been in this stupid plaza much more than once, I had a good idea which building she was looking for.  I pointed that way. “That way?” she asked… pointing to the wrong building. So, I kinda stuck my head in her car, to help orient her correctly.  “No ma’am, I think it is that one, there on the left.” I am a nice guy, i swear. Well, she might not think so.

This lady was like a 50 year old-ish mom.  Total suburban stereotype. The kind of nice lady you would cast in a commercial for some weird medicine.  She was wearing something sleeveless, so I saw her tattoo. It was this, a ‘dancing bear’. This is an instant icon she is of the tribe… a Deadhead.  There is no mistaking this icon. It means absolutely nothing else.  This brief conversation happens >

Oh, your a Deadhead, too?

Huh?  She replied

Your tattoo, the dancing bear.  You know, its a reference to ‘Bear’, OwsleyThe great pioneer of all LSD, and benefactor to the band!

In retrospect, it was a little weird I went into such detail.  But, I was genuinely excited to see another person who (like me) appeared to be a ‘square’.

No.  Um, never heard of that.  It’s for my son, Jesse – she said, kinda getting sad and puzzled at the same time.

VERY quickly I surmised she was not into the Grateful Dead.  It could only mean this tattoo was a tribute to a dead son, who probably was a Deadhead.  I could truly tell in about 3 seconds that she was piecing together that her very permanent and visible tattoo didn’t represent the love of a perfect and caring mother, but instead she had inked a monument to LSD on her arm for life.

Sorry about that lady.  Good luck at your appointment.

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Friday Fives – you’re not my real dad!

 

What fictional character has actually made you angry or upset?

Edward Norton’s character in ‘the Italian Job’

What historical figure fascinates you? 

Nelson Mandela.  I have said this before, but it bears repeating – Jesus may have died for our sings, but Nelson Mandela lived for them.  Isn’t that great? You can, and should, quote me on that.

Who is just the best, the best? 

Fred Rogers.  It appears on every conceivable level… he was the real deal.  Even MORE wonderful and thoughtful than we imagined. There are a couple very good docs available, and Tom Hanks just wrapped a Mr Rogers movie.   Man, is there better casting in history than that?

What “Friends” character are you?

Naked neighbor guy

What celeb or famous person is alive today that really should be your best friend? 

Dalai Lama

 

Friday Fives – ekkcentric edition

Image result for keychain mandalaWhat’s a sketchy cheap buy which ended up being one of your best purchases.

This guitar.  You may think ‘hey, in what world is $300 cheap?’.  In the world of well made acoustics. I fucking LOVE this guitar.  Here, read about it. I wrote this review, and i am quite proud of it.  It is still the only decent review they have. It’s a relatively new company, and certainly a small company.  Go ahead, read it.  If you are going to read this drivel, check out something I actually got published.

What car would you buy from any era if you had 20k bucks?

As an unnecessary purchase?  Either a mid 90s convertible mini cooper (supercharged, and stick shift only), or a jeep wrangler.  I would never have a jeep wrangler as a primary car. The suspension is horrible, the driving experience is wildly uncomfortable, they get terrible mileage, and are made very poorly.  But, there is nothing  more fun than a no top Jeep.

You have won $100,000,000 in a Lottery, Only Catch is you can ONLY buy things that start with Your First Name Initial, What are you buying?

Kevlar, and lots of it.  With all this money, people are trying to kill me.  I want kevlar everything. Right now, i am working on a design patent for a kevlar condom.  Funny, as I typed that out, I initially typed ‘a design parent for a …’.  Man, talk about a Freudian typo, eh?

So… lesse… ketchup.  Lots of ketchup. Now, I am not really a ketchup guy.  However, I plan to trade it for ranch dressing rations.  And it HAS to be the right kind of ranch. First off, the stuff in the plastic bottle (ed note:  Hidden Valley ranch salad dressing)… none of that. I have also never had a good ranch come in a packet.  It can’t be yellow, either. That shit should be nuclear white. We want the kind you get at a village inn with your fries.  It’s a bit more watery than you would think. Almost drinkable by a straw. This may sound absurd, but I can tell if the ranch is good just by looking at it.

Oh, and Ketamine.  You know… for… um… the horses?  Yeah.

And…keychains?  Yeah! Keychains! I will be a goddamn keychain baron.  I will finally buy my mom a keychain for her new house.  Don’t we always dream as little kids about buying our parents a home?  What’s better? A keychain for that home. It’s super apropos as they live in a van down by gully.  I can’t afford them a house, anyway.  BUT… they shall have the finest keyring of the whole drifter community.  Technically, they are snowbirds.  the heat in Phx is too much for them in the summer, so they tow the van up by the damn where the cottonwoods provide some shade.  In the winter, it’s back across the spillway to the sunny shores of the moss collection screens.

and Kid Rock.  Not his CDs, mind you.  I would just buy Kid Rock.  I like him.  I know that isn’t cool to say, but he is ok in my book.  Not his politics… but I think he is a good dude.  Really, I just need to find a guitar manufacturer that starts with a K, is there one?  I’d spend it all on guitars, baby!  For what?  To do all the rails of ketamine, duh!

You would be rich if you had a dollar for every time what?

“Every time I had to sing, while people sat there drunk” – John Fogerty (Lodi, from CCR)

What is your go-to phrase to low-key piss someone else off?

When I am pissed in traffic, which is often… I don’t give the finger or the fist.  I get in front of them, and do this very visible head shake. A tilt my head down and shake it gently side to side.  As if to say “wow, I feel bad for them. Can’t believe they are allowed to drive. Maybe they were having a stroke. Well, it is just a shame no one has taken their car away yet, as it is clear they shouldn’t be on the open roads by themselves.  Do they let the mentally handicapped drive?  It sure appears so”.  And it works. It REALLY pissed people off when I do my pity shtick… even if its just a silhouette.

 

Friday Fives – guess poster edition

Image result for vagina mandala

Team,

I haven’t gotten around to posting the Fives this week.  Am too busy right now.  Instead, welcome guess editor and long time friend of the site, Jamie (the Arizona Monkey Boy) >

 

1. Do you have a favorite insect (of the bug variety, of course)? 

 

No… but your mom gave me crabs once… that was kinda special!!

 

2. Which insect could you happily do without seeing for a good long time? 

All of them… but I guess cockroaches. Just so you know… I’ve never seen one in my house… knock on wood!!

 

3. Which insect do you think is of the most benefit to us? 

 

Seriously… we’re doing an insect theme? Okay… let me ask YOU a question. Did insects EVER help you get laid? That’s what i thought…

 

4. Have you had to deal with an insect invasion yet this season (or this past summer for our friends in the other hemisphere)? 

 

Hhmmm… I feel like the writer of these questions… is pleasuring himself as he reads this…

Pizza Connection. That place was a dive… buy they always got like a 98 on there health inspection. One secret i learned while working there… dump bleach down the sinks/toilet BEFORE a monsoon hits… because the ‘bugs’ know it’s coming before you do… and they’re looking for a dry place.*

*(Insert ex-girlfriend’s vagina joke here)

 

5. Would you eat insects? Not even for a lot of money?  

 

Sure… i mean… I probably eat insects everytime i eat anyway… so yeah… go ahead and pay me!!
*** um… wow!  I would like to just apologize for everything you just read.  I figured some content would be better than none.  But man, this guy has some issues.  This is where I should say something like ‘in no way to the opinions above bla bla blah.  But, this is my site and I could just erase this if I wanted to.    and about the cockroaches?  Like Texas, they are everywhere.  and the worst part?  those fuckers FLY.  Sleep tight, readers!

Going to the dentist is better than the internet

Stock photo of Painting Showing A Sadistic Dentist On Display In The Pain Passion Compassion & Sensibility Exhibition At The Science Museum West London.

Allow me to explain.  The internet is great.  It has done wonders for everyone, and everything.  We use it every day. But I am not talking about what internet has done for culture, or business, or revolutions.  I am talking about your personal, non work, related uses of the internet. I won’t count games, because you could play games before the internet.  I am talking about how you use it. Mostly, email and porn, right?  Those sure are great.  No one can argue that.

So how is going to the dentist better… or even on par?

Because of Novocaine, that is why!  It was invented by Alfred Einhorn in 1905.  You owe him a big fucking hug right now!  I was at the dentist yesterday, just getting drilled on.  They drilled holes in my goddamn teeth. I saw the teeth before the fixed ‘em up, it was grizzly.  Know what? I didn’t feel a thing. What 100 years ago could have killed me, was instead a minor 30 minute diversion in my day.  Oh, but the needle for the Novocaine! That is the worst!

Guess what it was before the teeny tiny needle?  Well, for the last few hundred years it was plyers.  Before that? A ROCK. Ever been smashed in the face with a rock?  Sure, now it is just known as a dinner date with Suge Knight… but up until about 1905, it was ‘modern dentistry’.  Going to the dentist is the definition of a ‘first world ‘problem’. I want you to think about this next time you are at the dentist.  Go ahead and tell them you don’t like needles, and you will do this without the Novocaine.  Maybe they will pull out their Civil War dentistry kit.

Image result for civil war dentist

In fact, I have a dentist I took forward to.  Don’t worry, I am not a sick bastard.  I fear and delay every dentist appt just like you.  HATE it.  However, when I think about compared to ‘dentistry’ around the civil war… I remember it is pretty great.  Anyhow, this dentist is stunning.  I am sorry to be a pig, and I won’t give you her info, but she is a beautiful Colombian dental surgeon.  In her office, she has TVs mounted in the ceiling.  Then, she gives you the remote and wireless headphones.  The good kind, over the ear.  While you get worked on, you are just laying back and watching TV.

Yeah, email is great.  Texting is better.  I don’t want to talk to you in person, what is this, 1988?  But, I’d rather talk to you on the old fashioned telephone than get a rock in the face.  Come to think of it, were I to get a rock in the face, I prolly couldn’t talk to you anyway.  Hmmn.  Something to consider.

 

a conversation with god at the end

Image result for god caricature

I figure it will be in two parts.  The first part will be just like ‘Defending your Life’.  This is where we look over critical decisions I made, and did I do the right thing?  Did I pick up that napkin on the sidewalk and throw it out?  Did I pull over and help that motorist?  Did I give him to charity?

I am pretty confident I will pass these tests.  Also, my god is not a neurotic one needing constant validation.  He won’t care if I accept him as my lord and savior… or even if I went to church (I don’t… to both).  He will simply want to know whether I was a good person who left things, and people, better than I found them.

Then, he will ask “did you keep your phone clean?”

The outside?

No, the inside.  The computer part.  Did I clear my cache and cookies?  Often?  Did I use that ‘Clean Master’ thing at least daily?  Did I powercycle my phone at least once a day?  Did I actually go into ‘settings’ and applications and clear the cache monthly?  Did I keep my virus thingy up to date?  Did I close apps I wasn’t using, to save RAM and battery?  Did I NEVER dare to let it die from an empty battery?

Yes, god.  I did.

God:  I know.  Why?

Friday Fives – watery postal justice edition

Image result for black power mandala jungian

You get to make one law that goes into effect no matter how outrageous. What is it?

If you take a turn without using a turn signal (and I don’t care if it is in to your driveway), the steering wheel comes off.   ALSO…  if your wipers are on, so should be your headlights.  ALWAYS.  I am going to hardwire that shit into every single car.  Other than that, you are doing great!

You get to host your own TV talk show.  Who are your first three guests? 

James Taylor, Barack Obama, Bobby Seale, and Harry Belafonte.

Oooh, and Christopher Lloyd, America’s greatest living character actor.

You get to choose the actor to portray you in the movie made of your life.  Who do you cast? 

Easy, Paul Giamatti.  Schlubby, talented, funny, and better looking than you think.  I am  a little embarrassed to admit I have thought about this before.  Only because I am almost positive this question has come up.

You just got arrested for murder in the middle of the night while you were in bed. They say you killed a mailman on March 10, 2019. How do you prove your innocence?

Aren’t mailmen up early?  BAM.  I am not.  Ask anyone I have ever met.  Ask my wife!  Not even for a good murderin’ would I get up at sunrise.  That being said, fuck that guy!  I see how he looks at my wife.  I see how he just jams the mail in there with no care.  And I know he hit my dog.  Oh, I’ll kill him alright!  Hear that, Richard?  I am coming for you!  YOU WILL PAY.  Umm… I mean… I don’t even know who delivers the mail.  But… WWPGD?   What would Paul Giamatti do?  Probably an unnecessary and overly dramatic soliloquy oscar bait speech.  Speaking of, here is the greatest of those of all time.  I can watch his over and over again, and I quote it too often in life.

Third prize?  Third prize is you’re fired!  I know this isn’t Paul Giamatti, and it really has nothing to do with anything.  Watch it anyway. It’s a master class in acting and delivery.

You have unlimited resources and seven days to end the world in the most creative way possible. How would you do it?

6 days of fall in Colorado.  Absolute paradise!  There is no finer place on Earth than October in Colorado.  Then… I rise the sea levels until every Republican is forced to finally acknowledge climate change is happening.  From my mountain vista in Colorado (at 6,200 feet) the last thing I hear is their hollow apologies.  THEN… I take that fuckface of a mailman and drown him with my last breath.  Eat some watery karmic justice, Rich!