Friday Fives – resident alien edition

Ice cream Mandala" Art Board Print by artbyrhirhi | Redbubble

What’s your favorite “go-to” comfort food?

Pizza and mint chocolate chip ice cream

*** ed note:  He didn’t say ‘your mother’ or ‘your sister’… so this is sensitivity progress, fatties.

What is your favorite “go-to” comfort cocktail?

Bourbon and Coke.  Especially prefer that when traveling and only drink that when  flying.  Isn’t that odd?  I don’t much drink that at home.  Home?  Mostly beer.  Plus, I can’t keep coke around the house.  Wifey drinks it all, straight.  Isn’t that gross?  Seriously, I don’t drink Coke straight, to sugary.  If there were no whiskey, and no wifey, a 6 pack of Coke could sit in my fridge for weeks years.

Wanna know a small and uninteresting story about a whiskey coke?  I was traveling in Utah long ago, about 20 years.  Went to a wedding in Provo.  Holy shit that is a beautiful city.  I have written about my secret love for the natural beauty of Utah.  Anyhow, I had heard urban legends of Utah and their drinking rules. It’s all true.  And weirder.  I was at a restaurant and asked for a whiskey Coke.  The nice waitress, clearly Mormon by the dress, didn’t know what that was.  Not that they didn’t have it (they didn’t)… but she didn’t know what that was.  I described it and she was both puzzled and disgusted.

Back then, and maybe today, you couldn’t even just go into a bar.  You went to a bar, and the bouncer explained you could only come in if you were a 1) member, and 2) had a sponsor.  Being a ‘member’ seemed mostly to be what they called a cover charge.  Maybe it was $2.  But a sponsor?  I had to have a current ‘member’ ‘sponsor’ us (the wife and I).  So, he yells back into the bar, “do we have a sponsor?” and some guy yells ‘I got it’.  Then we were let in.  Maybe we looked like narcs?  Then… their beer is only 3.2%, I think it still is.   And they had hard liquor, but with a caveat.  To deal with this much cultiness,   I ordered a double (whiskey coke).  They could not make it.  They could make a single, and sell me a separate shot.  I had to be the one who added the second shot.

In order to get the Olympics, though, they had to loosen most of their laws.  Not sure if that stuck.  Ok… what were we talking about again?

Is there a cocktail that in no way will every be crafted/consumed?

Weird question.  I have no answer.  Wait… how about a cement mixer?  That is a shot that is meant to be disgusting.  It’s a prank you pull on friends… if you are an asshole.  I don’t remember the details, but something like it is poured carefully in the shot glass.  It then only gets mixed in your mouth… and then it goes terribly wrong.   Here, let them explain –cement-mixer

You drink the Bailey’s and hold the shot in your mouth, then take the shot of lime juice and swirl the mixture around. The lime’s acidity causes the Bailey’s to rapidly curdle, so much so that you have to chew down the congealed mass

 

What would be the worst name for Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor?

Hairy Garcia®

Earth is visited by curious aliens.  What is the first food that should be introduced to and would represent the Earth?

It would be a sammich.  There is a single sammich that embodies everything good.  Ingredients, love, portability… the gryo sandwich.  It has to be done perfect, and it never is.  So much so I often don’t even order one if I see it.  Mostly, they have WAY too much bread.  Ok, before we look at sammich porn… and we will… know how to say it.  yee-row.

This one down there?  Look good?  Too much bread.  Like… way too much.   Even been anywhere where they served a 6 foot sub?  Notice how its one tiny millimeter of meat… and five inches wide of bread.  That is how this looks to me.  Anyone who serves you this, me included, is now your enemy.  It is still a good sammich, but not ‘change your life’ sammich.

Arby's Adds Traditional Greek Gyro for Limited Time | QSR magazine

Now look at this below.  Did you say ‘same sandwich’?  Its ok, you are learning.  That sandwich is up there?  It is really good.  It’s not transcendent, though.  Below?  We are getting closer.   I can tell you I don’t know of a single place in all of metro Denver that makes them the way I like them.

Traditional Gyro Sandwich | Mammas Kitchen VA

that is the correct width of bread.  those onions are wrong, should be red.  The tomatoes should be chopped.  and I swear to your god that better not be ranch.  You want tatziki sauce.  The meat looks perfect, though.  It is charred, and you can tell it came from one of those meat spits.  What the hell is the deal with those things?  Meat certainly doesn’t come that way in nature.  Still, though, that is what you want need to see at a Greek place.  The best part about the pic above is a very thin bread.

How Traditional Greek Gyro Is Made

really, how did they get in on there?  Is it a single big ass piece of meat with a spike through it?  I don’t think it is, because a proper gyro is a mix of beer and lamb.   Yeah, we could google it.  But let’s just wonder for a minute.  Remember wondering about the stuff?  Before google.   Tell you what, I ain’t gonna ‘splain it.  Ain’t even gonna look it up myself.   Let’s just wonder together.

“So this is what a Grateful Dead crowd looks like”

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/d9/60/53d960cd5b454cafd4a3186f1c7adc66.jpg

In honor of the ‘Days Between’, I figured I’d share a story from the Dead days.  The ‘days between’ is an annual celebration we do of Jerry Garcia.  Jerry was born August 1st, and died on August 9th.  So, instead of celebrating his birthday, as we do with most… there is this tradition where we take a week to celebrate Jerry… the ‘days between’ his birth and death.

This is a story from seeing the band back in the late 80s and on and off through the 90s (Jerry died in 1995).  The Dead attracted some great opening acts.  I guess when you tour the world playing only football stadiums (70K people a night, or more), you get your pick of the litter.  In the years I saw them I remember CSN, Edie Brickell, Santana, 10,000 Maniacs (playing to their home crowd of Buffalo, NY), Dave Matthews Band (totally unknown at the time), and Sting.

This is a story about Crosby, Stills, and Nash opening one of those nights. It’s a story about ‘Croz’.  That is an affectionate name we all call Crosby.  I may use it.  You may not.

CSN was opening several nights on a Dead summer tour.  It was likely  1990.  What a perfect pairing of bands!  During their opening set, Croz calls out ‘So this is what a Grateful Dead crowd looks like!”.   We went nuts.  We were quite an odd site to see.  An entire football stadium full of shirtless freaks tripping balls and dancing in the brutal summer heat.

Croz knows the scene, and the boys in CSN and the Grateful Dead go WAY back.  Know the Nash song ‘Teach your children well’?  There is a pedal slide guitar in that song, it’s Jerry Garcia playing.  We are all quite proud of ourselves, and it was a fun way to ingratiate themselves with us.

The next night (or… day for the opener.  They probably went on about 4pm) we got to see CSN again.  Now, they have about 40 years of songs to jam into a 45 minute set.  YET… they do the exact same set the next day.  Weird.  Don’t they know it’s almost the exact same crowd?  That is the thing we are famous for… going town to town and following the band.  Doing the same setlist isn’t egregious, but it stands out.  It’s what Croz says inbtween songs “So, this is what a Grateful Dead crowd looks like!”   David, David, David… learn to read the room, buddy.

I fully get these are first world problems to have, and it was great to see two of my favorite bands together.

How much change did you want back?

All of it, you punk.  THEN… I will decide what your tip is.  And after that crack, it ain’t gonna be what it was.

I used to be delivery driver.  There is a sacred oath we live by.  You never ask for a tip.  Know that seen in every movie where the bellhop holds his hand out, or refuses to leave your room until you pay up?  Doesn’t happen, and has never happened.  Of course, I’ve never stayed in a place nice enough to deal with that.  Our job is to bring you food, and we are paid to do so.  Regardless of what that pay is, it is our job.  If you are wonderful enough to tip me, I super appreciate it.  I fully understand not everyone is in the position to tip me.  It’s like a company bonus; don’t ever count on it, and then you can only be pleasantly surprised.  I am not talking about servers**** They work for $2.25 an hour (did you know that?).  Their life depends on tips.  Oh, and I have never had a server say ‘how much do you want back’.

I did pretty well, and have zero complaints from my delivery days.  I loved that job!

Things have apparently changed, and you need to get all up offa my lawn!  When I get a sammich, or anything, delivered, I get this back from the driver when I pay cash “and how much did you want back?”  This infuriates me.  First world problem, for sure.

Are they being clever?  Is this an unconscious wordplay to remind me the transaction isn’t quite done?

Because I was a delivery driver, and because I am the ‘Hero of the Proletariat®’ I tip well.  It’s going to be between $2 and $5.  I know you need that money more than I do, and I know you are hustling way harder than I did for that money.  I know you are just destroying your car by doing this job.  I will hook you up, broseph.

UNLESS – you pull that shit about ‘how much do you want back?’   The subtext of what you are saying is “good sir, please don’t forget a tip.”  I get that.  Except, what I hear is “this transaction is far from done,  and you will tip me.  You are going to tip the shit out of me.  You are going to tip me over.  Only question is just how much are you giving me!”

I am not going to name names, I am above that.  Let’s just say the franchise that most recently pissed me off with this move rhymes with ‘Jimmy Johns’.

It’s a rather polite hold up, and I don’t like it.  Tell me, bosses aren’t instructing people to do this, are they?  If was their boss, I would make sure that never said that shit.  What do I say?  Nothing like I want to.  I am still always so taken about by that comment I pause for a minute.

I swear I know this is the pettiest of complaints and first world problems.  I know people are dying in the streets all over the world just praying for drinkable water, or a roof over there head.  I am not expecting Congress to intervene here.  Also, though, I am not wrong, am I?

Ok, just had to get that off my chest.  Now cut the shit out, and get off of my lawn!

lawn sitting

*** but wait, there is more (free bonus content)

Delivery Drivers – please keep the basic shit in your car!  If I am ordering a pizza, I shouldn’t have to say ‘oh, and bring some red peppers, please’.   When I delivered pizza, I kept plates, parm, napkins, and red pepper in my truck.  I always had this ready.  I always had napkins and plastic cutlery.  Why wouldn’t you?  It doesn’t cost you a penny, you just take it from work.  You will get a much better trip if you appear totally prepared.   When I delivered Chinese food for a living (best job ever, as I lived off Chinese Food for 2 years in college), you can bet your ass I had chopsticks in my car.  How much room does that take up?  None.  Get your shit together and have some pride in your job.

*** the difference between me and that guy in the picture above?  He actually will call the manager and complain.  Prolly write a letter, too.

**** Servers – want more money?  Bring change back in 1s.  Let’s say my total is $13.54, and I give you a $20.  Don’t bring back a $5 and a $1 and change.  I want to tip you more than $1, but not $6.   So… bring that change back as 6 single bills.