Friday Fives… something something New Orleans Slashes Alice?

What is your full name?

This is the first, only, and last time I will tell you.  In TWENTY years I have never once revealed this.  I don’t think.  For a while, i was kinda hiding out from the mouth breathers of New Orleans who threatened to kick my ass over this piece.  Then, I realize that I doubt Cleetus and Doug are going to take a road trip to ____ 
“because he made fun of us on his humorous social observation website”.  Plus.. really?  Best case scenario is that happens.  “Local hero attacked for daring and heroically hilarious assessment of racism and systemic stupidity of mouthbreathers who crawled out of the swamp to stifle humor and grace”

and I can make that joke with 100% certainty… ‘crawled out of the swamp’.  How?  Because these dumb motherfuckers built a city UNDERNEATH the ocean.  and for protection?  Well… on the other side of the city is a lake THAT ALSO SITS HIGHER THAN THE CITY.  My god what is wrong with you people?  From that piece I mentioned above, I did this little quick drawing MS Paint.  I am pretty proud of this little drawing, seriously.  Find me a better drawing that so quickly explains the altitude problems of New Oreans… AND… throws in a racist touch just for fun?

sorry, lost focus.  You wanted my name?  Here it is for the first and last time.

Kevin Patrick Lang

 If you could, would you change part of your name? To what?

I didn’t like my first name growing up.  ‘kevin’ was boring.  Wanted something cool… like JT or… “Nick”.  Wait, doesn’t John Cusack do a whole rant about the name ‘Nick’?  I swear he does. Stand by

Found it.  it’s brilliant, and better than I remember.  It’s also freaky how young Cusack is here.  Looks about 12.  Still, this is gold.

Favorite girl’s name?

Alice.  You knew that.  Did you know Alice of Alice in Wonderland was a real person?  In case you’re new.  As I haven’t referenced Alice in Wonderland in like 3 weeks.  Here is young Alice Liddell, circa the time the books were written… 1865.   America is tearing itself apart in a civil war that never really heals… and Lewis and Alice are boating down the Thames with friends spinning tall tales.  Here is older Alice, holding a copy of the book.  This pictures makes me all kinds of happy. 

*** sidebar… when writing and referencing Alice Liddell, it’s best to use the picture of her as older.  It turns out when you google ‘very young English girls’ a bunch then the cops show up at your door.  And then you have to explain has NOTHING to do with the judge’s daughter this time.  That was an accident and this was a misunderstanding and no you didn’t hear anything coming from the basement.  Good day, sir!”

Favorite boy’s name?

             Nick

Would you name your child after a character in a book or movie?

Oh… um… no.  Of course not.  Who would name a kid after a book, or a John Cusack movie?  What kind of Blaine would do that?  Not me, that’s for sure.  No sir, I look to the celebs for naming.  Penn (of Penn and Teller), his daughter’s name is ‘Moxy Crimefighter’.  She is pretty cool, seen her do magic with her dad.  And the great Jason Lee, from all the Kevin Smith movies… his son is named Pilot Inspektor.

 

*** not quite related, but I am happy to report Jason Lee is long gone from Scientology.  LOVE me some Jason Lee… especially since he left the cult of Xenu.  Beck?  I am looking in your direction.

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Without saying your city’s name, what is your city’s best band or artist?

Our most famous export, I guess, would be Big Head Todd.  Artist, though?  Well, that would be Matt Stone and Trey Parker.  Sidebar… I think several of these folks went to Columbine High school in SW Denver.  That, of course, is the site were school shootings were first pioneered.

What is your favorite one-hit-wonder song?

Come on Eileen.  Its not just my favorite, but I think its simply the greatest.  Why didn’t more come from them?  I’ll tell you why, as the principles are still alive.  It appears the main guy is of course the singer Kevin Rowland.  All indications are that he is/was an insufferable monster.  He was just a tyrant and a bully of a bandleader.  He mostly constantly fired and replaced his band.

It’s a shame we can’t think of another hit.  Am sure there are probably tons of albums.

I also can’t find any good live versions.  I mean… you can find a ton of a clips of them playing the song during that era.  But… look and listen closely.  Doesn’t it sound a bit too good?  Isn’t it mixed really well?  Unless you are the Eagles, with a 5 million dollar sound system, absolutely no live performance sounds good.

** exception, the Beatles at the BBC

The newer performances are terrible, and the ones from that era all seem pre-recorded.  This isn’t surprising as there are like 35 people in the band.  To mix that many instruments for a living performance just isn’t practical.  Especially 40 years ago.  And you might do that for a full concert that’s filmed, but you wouldn’t bother to do that for a 4 minute performance.

When you walk into a room, what theme song should start playing

Jimi’s Hendrix’ ‘Angel’, but only the (lost) acoustic version.  Also acceptable would be the acoustic version of ‘Song that Jane Likes’.  God how I love that song.  Again… HAS to be the acoustic version.  Both songs are just ok in their official released versions.  While I won’t say the acoustic version of ‘song that jane likes’ is the greatest song written and performed… i can’t name another better off the top of my head.  Ok, maybe ‘American Tune‘.  I think that is in my head because Dave did that, too.  Really fucking well.

What food aren’t you eating even if it was free?

          Olive and mushrooms.  So… yeah. I suck to order pizza with.

What’s your favorite card game?

shuffling.  I don’t play any card games, outside of solitaire on my phone.  As for games, we play a lot of dice (drinking games).  Mostly Greedy, and Bitches.  If I have a deck of cards in my hand… I don’t play a game.  I shuffle them. I find it stupidly relaxing and engaging.  I’m a good shuffler.  Not a great one, but my game is solid.

 

Friday Fives – the Colbert Questionert

This week we are leveraging the “Colbert Questionnert”

Best Sandwhich sammich

With regard to Crazy Jerry’s philly cheesesteaks… we have to talk current.  Jerry packed up a good ten years ago and moved to the mountains to be with his dog.    Best sammich is a Gyro.  However, only when done right… which is rare.  I am VERY picky about a gyro.  The reason is when its good, its better than sex.  Better than the sex you are having.  But, I mostly see errors.  I do not want any part of an ok gyro.  First off, back off the bread.  It’s just a delivery device,  I don’t need a pita half an inch thick, you barbarians.

 Apples or oranges?

Apples.  Know why?  I ate a lifetime of oranges as a kid.  Growing up at our house in Phx, we had about 25 citrus trees, most oranges.  We had the most perfect and freshest oranges on Earth.  Also, we had the best orange juice.  Right from oranges. We had this contraption, it was amazing.  Cut the orange in half and hover it over this orange torture device.  Best part is it captured all the pulp!!!!!

Am sure you have noticed, there is no fresh orange juice.  It doesn’t exist commercially.  It is always ‘fresh from concentrate, or something.   You cannot buy a container of juice that is nothing but untampered and uncut liquid that came out of an orange.  It must not travel well.  Thing is, once you have had juice from the actual fruit, everything else tastes like Sasha’s butthole.

Fast forward to today, we have two barriers.  1) I am mostly just sick of oranges, and 2) ‘orange juice’ that is available at the store is neither.

First concert

The Police – Synchronicity (farewell) tour.  Phoenix, AZ 1983

Just incredible, and absolutely changed my life on every level.  Ever since that night, a young 10 year old me spent my life chasing live music.  More told about that here, on my music site.

Ever asked someone for their autograph?

Of course.  This question is more interesting when you realize it was designed to ask big time celebs.  Of course, the modern version is to get a selfie.  Makes sense, and is a way better memory of meeting a celeb.  So, to answer this I’ll say what is the most recent autograph?  It was Tom Papa, who did a selfie AND and autograph.  We talked bread.  Jk, I’d still be there.

The set I saw is now on Netflix.  I have the photo of us on my phone, somewhere.

What happens when we die?

Sadly, I think nothing.  Just… darkness.  Was raised Catholic, so of course I’m an atheist now.  Let me tell you, I wish SO bad I believed in heaven.  So instead I will leave you with this thought – “If there are no dogs in heaven, when I die… I want to go where they went”.  – Will Rogers