Friday Fives – mullets, Coors, and date rape

The Reverend Jim Ignatowski (@SteveBe37696561) / Twitter

Who was the best drunk/alcoholic character in a TV show/Movie?

With a nod to the late great Foster Brooks, whose job this was full time… the Oscar goes to Christopher Lloyd.  Aka Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Aka Judge Doom from Roger Rabbit.;  Aka Uncle Fester.  And aka the greatest drunk character the motherfucking greatest character alive – The Rev Jim Ignatowski.   Now, I know I just wrote about him a week or two ago.  Not sure if I did any clips.  Let me turn you to some classic Rev Jim from the show Taxi.

Note Tony Danza’s character.  I don’t even think he has lines, but you VERY much see the Joey Tribbiani archetype being developed.  Maybe Danza didn’t invent the ‘hot dumb italian’ trope he musta done something right,  Not only was Joey Friends characted lifted wholesale of Danza’s back, but they even wrote a #1 hit single about this guy.

You go up to a bartender and tell him: “Make me a 2022”. What drink does he make?

You’ll ask him for something bougey, high brow.  You want him to know, without being a dick about it, that you are no rube.  Let’s start with rocks glass full of JD, neat.  No ice, that’s for pussies. Though a little effeminate, let’s segue into an Espresso Martini, w/ ‘top shelf’ vodka.  How about some Tito’s?  You tip well, and throw in a dig about ‘hipsters ruining everything’.  You speak blue collar, because you are blue collar.  Working class, but refined.  You are educated, but not elitist.

He hands you a Coors Light.  He tells you to ‘lighten up already, Francis’.   And he would be correct.

What is your favorite holiday season cocktail?

the Jason Bateman.  Hibiscus tea, vodka, and some kind of simple syrup.  I can’t say it’s a tradition, only had it once.  Once wifey made Hibiscus tea, and a LOT of it.  It was a snowy day, so there was nowhere to go.  And when you have a lot of vodka, a lot of Hibiscus tea, and nothing do do for the next 12 hours or so… you make yourself a Jason Bateman®.  Also, there is the Roger Bottoms®.  Either Roy (my pal and editor) invented it, or he and I invented it together.  It is Guinness and port wine.  Yes, sounds silly, but its serious fun.  Know what else sounds funny?  The name Roger Bottoms.  Roger Bottoms was the name of the listening agent who was helping to sell our house.  As we sat and drank on the porch, we looked at the real estate sign in my yard and tittered.  A side note to that, this Roger Bottoms fellow… never met it.  Listing agents get 6% of a home sale, right?  That butthole made around five grand selling our house.  He had never stepped foot in our place.  We dealt with a wonderful realty gal, but she was no Roger Bottoms.  She does all the work, and Roger Bottoms collects the money.  Looks like ole Roger Bottoms has the last laugh here.   Well played, Roger Bottoms.   Well played.

Do you have a fancy show-off cocktail?

Are you not paying attention?  We covered that.

Can I tell you a great golfing joke, since we already talked in excruciating detail about my drink inventions?  Also, I don’t like golf.  But I heard this comment, and it really tickled me.  Of course you have heard of the drink ‘Arnold Palmer’.  I think its half lemonade and half iced tea.  It is named after a legendary golfer.  This gent was prolly biggest name in the history of golf until Tiger.  But, Tiger doesn’t have a drink named after him.  So you know that part of the set up.  Now you need this part.  There is another iconic and important golfer named John Daly.  While being a great golfer, he is much more famous for drugs and booze and getting arrested and fights and all that.  Let’s just take in his visage.  Its the whole package:  mullet, bleached hair, Oakleys, and a beard best described as ‘meth Santa Clause’.  If Happy Gillmore was from the South, and a lousy drunk… he would be John Daly.  A ‘John Daly’ drink is an Arnold Palmer with vodka added.  That’s funny, and mean.

Not Golf, Not Hooters: John Daly Once Revealed What He Loves 'More Than  Anything' - EssentiallySports

An aside, about the shades.  Those specific glasses, I believe they are called ‘Blades’, and are by Oakley.  These glasses were VERY iconic and popular with douchebags.  There is a VERY specific type of guy who wears this  He has a white Chevy truck.  He is wearing a tank top that says ‘Club Bad Boy’.  His truck probably has truck nuts, and he is pretty sure that… and everyone of you little queer friends are ‘a bunch of fags’.  It seemed in the 90s, this represented approx. 42% of all white men.  Those John Daly receives 'Top Gun' call sign from Jon Hamm: 'Heater' - On3 sunglasses, they are so ugly.  And so specific.  And I swear it was the most specific group of ‘deplorables’ who were drawn to them.  It’s as if to say ‘what is an fashion accessory I can wear that also says ‘I hit women’?

In case you weren’t totally positive of his allegiance, he also has a vinyl decal of the logo above on the back window of truck.  Just up and to the right form the sticker of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo.  Classic, bro!  Tell me this is not the picture of a guy who rapes cousins and sets puppies on fire.Here's The Trailer For The Highly-Anticipated ESPN 30 For 30 Film About The  Life Of John Daly - The Total Frat Move Archive

The vitriol I had for these folks was aggressive.  I think we can see that it still is.  To me, these muscleheads represented everything wrong with men, America… the works.  Obviously, there are deeper issues.  This fad has mercifully been gone for decades. Let’s try and reflect.  First off, I think the projection of hyper masculinity bothers me.  I think there is so much violence and brutal sexualization of women… I dunno.. it just seems an unnecessary statement.  But women can stick up for themselves, right?  Do they need me to the culture police?  Lets’ REALLY look at this.  I am by no means a ‘manly man’.  I am not out there tossing capers, having beard fights, and switching out engine parts on the side of the road outside of Barstow in bat country.  And the self confidence, that may all be it.  I am jealous of the self confidence.

Bad Boy Club Sticker

Ok, I got way lost there.  Why was a trashing John Daly?  I don’t know anything about him.   It was all to set up the punnery in the drink name.  But once I started googling pictures of this guy… well the content writes it self.  THEN… I saw him in those Oakleys and I was literally triggered.   I could take you over there to my college journals (which I haven’t touched in 30 years) and I bet there are many pages of content just railing on the package deal of a guy wearing Oakleys, and a ‘Club Bad Boy’ short.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  When god gives you Kid Rock the golfer, you bust out the blog.Venus Williams and the Top 10 Athletes Who Need to Cover Up | News, Scores,  Highlights, Stats, and Rumors | Bleacher Report

 

I hope to god this guy isn’t big on reading snarky social commentary blogs, or my ass is grass.  Odds are, he isn’t.  Isn’t big on reading at all.  Boy, once someone reads this to him, he’s gonna be mad!

What is the best drunk/alcoholic/booze-themed song? 

Gotta go with Margaritaville.  Yes, it’s oversaturated, but its not overrated.  The lyrics are so incredibly well written.  The way he turns the phrases and play with words and images.  As a word lover and amateur writer, he dazzles me.  The song is so successful, Buffet has built an industry empire over that song.  I really like Jimmy Buffet, but more as a person than musician.  I only know a few songs, and I don’t own a single record/tape/cd whatever.  But I love him.  He lives the dream he is selling to us.  He does tons for charity, and has a great sese of humor.  He was also great friends with Hunter S Thompson, and helped to raise his son.  Yeah, Hunter was such a hot mess that they guy who got famous singing about blackout drunk adventures was the safe choice.

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Friday Fives –

Clown Mindfulness Mandala Coloring Pages, Clown Printable Coloring Sheets  PDF

What’s an album you couldn’t live without?

Bob Dylan – Blood on the Tracks

You’re starting a band in the morning. What’s your band name?

Clown Bite.  Imagine the germs and pathogens.  We have a font, too.  In lieu of a logo.  It’s Monotype Corsiva.  So, it’s meant to look like this.  ClownFight Clown Bite.  Why a font instead of a logo?  A font is easier to reproduce.  If someone is making a flyer for a show, I could say by simple text ‘hey, when you put our name down, please put it in monotype corsiva’

What song has just a terrific start to it?

Lazy, by Deep Purple.  It’s a wonderfully indulgent keyboard 70s stoniness.  It’s unfair to call the first 4 minutes an ‘intro’.  To call that piano work an ‘intro’ belittles it.  It’s almost like when the vocal finally comes in.. we could just call that the outro.

Without naming it, what’s special about the city you’re in?

Red Rocks

What’s something you memorized in school that you still remember today?

30 days has September, April, June, and November.  That shit isn’t just catchy, its handy and useful info.

A quick look at Ticketmaster and ‘dynamic pricing’

Ticketmaster pleads guilty to illegally gaining access to competitor's  accounts : r/news

*** update Nov 17th 2022.

in the last 24 hours, it has come to light that TM is a monopolyPearl Jam tried to tell everyone that back in the 90s.  I mean, it’s been one for 30 years, but it took millions of pissed off ‘Swifties’ to freak the fuck out on TM and on Congress regarding TM.  This is great visibility to a monster problem.  Clearly Pearl Jam didn’t have the mojo the Swifties have.  All our welcome in our tent of hating TM, and being very concerned about their business practices.  Taylor Swift has always been good people, and an advocate for artists.  Not just in vague nice terms, but actually fighting for artists to get a bigger cut of their sales in Spotify, and actionable problems.  Here was a way to fix it.  Don’t put the entire tour of football stadiums on sale at the same moment.  Stagger them.  Problem solved.

I guess we should talk about TicketMaster’s  ‘on demand pricing’.  (ed note:  it’s called Dynamic Pricing, fucko).  I don’t even want to talk about TM anymore.  They have done it.  They won.  They broke me.  I just don’t bother to go to many concerts anymore.  Not when I know I have to do the impossible pre-sale dance to get tickets to a show, or pay 3x the value.

In a twisted way, though, they have taken steps to fix that.  They are now allowing for market demand to dictate pricing.  We’ll use Springsteen as an (unfortunate) example.  TM knows they will sell tickets for $125 each for floor seats.  They know that ALL of those tickets will go to scalpers.  All of them.  They also know that these seats will all end up selling for two or three thousand bucks a piece on the open market.   So, TM figures “fuck the scalpers.  If they are going to sell for $3K, we should get that money!  Springsteen should get that money!”   and you know what?

I agree

Prince actually invented this.  About 20 years ago (giver or take a decade or so) he did a ‘club’ tour.  He knew that $75 would get snapped up and sold on the black market for four times that much.  He also can’t make a living playing a venue for $75.  So, he charged $250 a ticket.  People were outraged, but I think its brilliant.  Here is why – the tickets are going to go for several hundred bucks.  Should Prince get that money, or the scalpers?  By doing this, he blocks out the scalpers… AND makes a better payday.  Note, that was $250.  Springsteen tickets have been doing for $5K, face value.

I love the idea of squeezing out the scalpers.  But due to the ‘dynamic pricing’ model, floor seats are $5k.  It kills me they tested this on Springsteen, who is notoriously pro-blue collar working folks getting his tickets.  No, its not just an imagine, he really does.  His camp is notorious for never selling the front row to his shows.  Instead, those are given out to people with the worst seats in the house… free… right before the show.

At $5k, that person never has a chance to go see the boss.  IF the tickets go for $5K, I do believe that should all go to the artist.  But boy, that seems a bit high.

Mind you, TM is no Robin Hood here, either.  As you now know, their ‘convenience fees’ run 30 to 50% of face value of ticket price.  I know ‘convenience fees’ for Springsteen tickets were running close to $1,000.  Now, how is that little piece of cardstock any tougher to print than a play that costs $14 to get into?   Even better, they don’t even print tickets anymore.  Tickets are virtual, a QA code in your phone.

There is a way to squeeze out the black market.  Make the seats will call.  Instead of showing a QR code… the ticket taker person scans your drivers license.  I know this technology works because I have had to use it before.  That way, the person who put the credit card down is the person who has to show up.  what about transferring tickets?  Isn’t that your right?  What if you bought them and can’t go.  What if you want your tickets to go to a little blind deaf orphan?  How would will call work, then?  I would charge a $30 transfer fee.

Don’t tell me a $30 transfer fee is unjust when it means you paid $132 for a ticket instead of $1,322 for a ticket.  That fee will also be a HUGE pain in the ass to scalpers.

As I said, I feel compelled to journal this development since I have been hassling them for 20 years online.  Here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  Also, there is here, and here, and here, too.  Oops, here, too.

The newest hot mess on my radar is merch.  I recently learned venues are taking between 20 to 30% of a band’s merch.  Now, the band still makes those shirts, and hires and pay those people to go town to town to sell them.  And the venue then takes a quarter of that.  This isn’t the place for that discussion, though.  But it adds to my general malaise about the rock concert industry.

Side bar tangent.

Since we are talking about tickets, lets talk about the actual physical thing… the cardstock printed concert ticket.  You know this, its gone.  It’s been gone for a year, and I miss them.  Concert tickets were the perfect souvenir.  It’s small, so it takes up no space.  It remains a perfect memory.  We have seen them disappear for a while.  It was a period where it was an email, and now its fully digital.  I was seeing Bobby Weir again last weekend.  As is always the case, I have to assume I may never see him again.  Him being 75 leaves me with fear that he will retire or die before I get to see him again.  It’s been like that for at least a decade, though.  Once he started growing the beard, he aged FAST.  Bobby was literally a child when he joined the Grateful Dead… 16.  Point being, if this is the last time we see him, I’d like that souvenir ticket.  I could do a frame of just Dead related bands I’ve seen since Jerry passed:  Dead and Co, The Dead, Grateful Dead, the Other Ones, Phil and Friends, Ratdog, Wolf Bros, Bob & Rob.  I leave you with this, my collection of ticket stubs.  A year or two I pulled them out and counted them, it was close to 250.  About 98% of that is national touring rock concerts.  And this is only since I moved to Denver in 1997.  I’d like to do something cool with them.  People say ‘you should frame them’.  It’s not the size of a picture, it would cover a wall.

Closer to the front, you see the older classic ticket stub. It gets unruly towards the back as the times change to emails, credit card receipts, wristbands, etc. Here is a quick list of some of the stand out moments.