Friday Fives – the ocean is coming to kill you

Coloring antistress book. Predatory shark is drawn by hand with ink

What’s the creepiest thing you could softly whisper to a stranger who’s alone in an elevator with you?

Lemme to you one better, and this is a true story.   Long ago in college (early 90s), I was in a sociology class.  They asked us to do a multi-media presentation.  I wanted to make a film.  This was before go pros and cell phones.  Back then, a simple camera cost about $35K and weighed about 45 pounds with batteries and cables and all that crap.


This camera rocked.  It took no batteries, it was a hand crank.  AND… it could to both film and stop motion (think gumby, and all other Claymation).  It was my brothers.  For my sociology project, I took in elevators and filmed people.  Keep in mind, I am a long hair.  To play the part, I dressed in all black with black turtle neck and beret (not a comfy outfit for Phx, AZ in the summer).  I would just hang out in elevators.  As people boarded, I would start filming them.  People did NOT care for this, understandably.

When they had the courage to ask me what I was doing, I would say “oh, sorry.  This must look weird.  Know how all elevators have security cameras in the ceilings?  Well, ours is busted.  So, my boss asked me to come down and cover for a few hours.”  People no likey, and generally would walk out.  That was fun.

I did not have that, but I did have a super 8 crappy little hand wound camera.  It was SO cool.  Most folks would just walk out of the elevator and wait for another one.  I probably would have, too.  At the time, I thought it was wicked clever, but in retrospect feels kinda dickish.  Note, because this was 25 years ago, maybe it was psychology class.  I don’t remember. I took lots of both.

Side note, psychology RULES.  People think you study it to be a psychologist.  I never wanted that.  No sir.  Psychology is used in every single interaction you have with every human being.  It is endlessly fascinating.

 You’re a burglar but instead of stealing things you do things that mildly inconvenience your victims. What is your crime?

Small odd things.   Re-arrange dishes.  Move furniture just a little bit.  Put all the spoons on the couch.   Set the TV so when someone turns it on it is REALLY loud.  The kind of things couple argue about.  The kind of things where one spouse says to the other “so you are telling me that someone broke into our house just to rearrange spoons and dishes and then left without stealing anything?”

And maybe, if I know there are no kids in the house… put a p0rn video in the DVD player and leave tons of Kleenex all over the place

When the apocalypse comes what will you horde to use as currency

 My Netflix and Amazon Prime passwords.   Aw, who am I kidding.  Everyone I know is using them anyway.

Which is the most interesting fact you know about the human body?

I am convinced a really good poo releases serious endorphins.  Why congress hasn’t allocated millions to study this, I don’t know.

 What’s the creepiest thing that has been found underwater?

 No idea, and here is why.  After watching the amazing Planet Earth docuseries about under water… I am afraid to even take a bath.  EVERYTHING down there is trying to kill you.  And they are re-evolutionizing, too.  The Snake Head Fish can crawl out water and walk on land to another body of water.  And has big teeth.  UPDATE… it can also climb fucking trees.   That’s it.  I am moving into my bathtub, DRY, locking the doors, and never coming out.


Remember the old SNL bit ‘Landshark‘?  It was a walking shark who would trick his way into your home and eat you?  Yeah, that shit is real now.  and it is called the Snakehead Fish

Don’t worry, there are a ton of animals who do stuff like this.  we did, too.  It’s evolution.  Just know that evolution isn’t an old timey textbook thing that freaks out Christians.  Evolution and natural selection… all that stuff is still happening.

Wanna for a swim?  Shit, I ain’t even going out in the rain.   To be fair, I grew up in the desert… so my knowledge of marine life is limited to horror movies and sharknado featurettes.

Interesting side note.  Planet Earth (which is amazing, get it now.  It’s working getting a 4K tv just for that, is a BBC production.  The only difference between the brit version and the American version is they swapped narrators.  The original has the great David Attenborough. In America, his voice overs were replaced by Zuul.  Like she can be trusted.


*** Man, this one sure took a turn for the weird.  Weren’t we just talking about zany antics in elevators with cameras?


All Your Roads are Belong to Us

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I am concerned about the growth of toll lanes as our solution to everything for crowded highways. Looking back in the last 20 years, everything (outside of T-rex) has been… and will be… a toll road.

For years the CDOT has been working on discussion plans to deal with widening the roads to accommodate our growth.  It’s not an easy process.  It is expensive, and nobody wants more pavement or more.  I fully admit it is a thankless task.  I have been writing about this for years.  Start here from 2007,  then this one shortly after,  and this may have been my last entry for years.  I won’t tell you what they suggested.  I can tell you what none of them ever suggested.  “Let’s make the roads bigger and wider.   OH, and then use public money for it.  THEN… even better, no one can use them but the rich.

It turned out CDOT’s solution for everything is toll lanes.  More taxes, more pollution, more congestion, more smog, and endless construction.  BUT… just for the few who are willing to pay a lot to use them.  Get that there are no easy answers, but in my first 3 pieced linked above, I mentioned there was lots of surveys and public input.  I mocked the process, joking we would die of analysis paralysis before anyone agreed.  So, they went rogue with out us… and just sold our roads out.

They did the same with the E-470 as the Boulder Turnpike.  They initially said the costs were to pay for the construction, and in time it would be free.  Best thing… it WORKED.   We needed the road, it was subsidized by private money, and paid off when it was completed.  In time, it would be free to the general public after they paid it. Totally fair idea.   Except, they then announced it will never be paid off.  I learned to accept it.  It really is a fine road.  On top of it, because it is so expensive.. it is always a fast drive.

Next issue was the i-70 around Idaho Springs. I think the biggest issue there was the choke point from 3 to 2 lanes.  So, they widened it.  This is great, and we can all agree how important that was.    EXCEPT… the expansion is a toll road.    Sorry to the million of citizens who can’t afford the privilege?  I used to travel that stretch a lot, and it hasn’t even helped that much.

This year, we get to see some much needed love for C-470.  This may be the most valuable project of all the ones that came before.  An expansion to C470 is fully worth the epic hassle of the traffic problems while we work on it.  Then… it hit me.  I bet these aholes are probably building toll lanes.  Sadly, I was correct.  According to these numbers, the job will be about 1.3 million.  CDot (us taxpayers) will cover half of that. A private company kicks  the other half.  Yet, it looks like the private company gets to make the project toll roads.

The newest development is the expansion of I25 south between Castle Rock and Monument.  Spoiler alert > toll lanes.

I sadly, and sincerely can’t even remember a recent large scale road project that wasn’t just for toll roads.  I have much more to say, but the gist is all here.

This is an issue I want to push hard, via lobbying, phone calls, social media… ANYTHING to get this this to the forefront.  I don’t think people know the extent of it.  These deals look like an offer cooked up by Mr Wonderful from Shark Tank.  “I’ll give you the 500K you are asking for, until you pay me about 5 million.  Oh, and I wanted 51% of ownership in your company.  Lastly, after the original 5 million is returned to me for my risk… I get an additional 50K a year in perpetuity.  All this guy is missing is a monacle

I am mostly frustrated because I feel this is all being snuck past us.

Since you can see I am clearly passionate about this emerging story… I would be happy and honored to write more on it.  Maybe it’s a column.  You also welcome to interview me in person and/or over email.

Lastly… a few big pet peeves.  The ‘Lexas lanes’. are elitist and exclusionary.  I am an employer, and my folks make around $14 an hour.   EVERY SINGLE agent I talked to said they would never use it.  It isn’t just too expensive for lower waged folks… they all said they resent the concept of having to pay to use a road.

Plus, none of his eliminates traffic.  In fact, each of these solutions encourage more drivers.  That is just more pollution for our dreaded ‘blown cloud’ over Denver

Another think that pisses me off is even if I don’t use these lanes (and I won’t, out of principle.)   Well, all of us set to spend that years driving and forth in construction every day.  I get roads are very expensive, and I would not be surprised to learn that voters routinely vote against any bond measures put forth to fix the roads

I feel like this is being snuck by us, and that is what drives me crazy.

I can also sadly assume John Caldera has been deeply involved in making sure no citizen is ever given access public transportation of any kind.

I expect to have a lot more to say about this.  so… let’s just call this entry part 1.  March 2018

  • I sent this to the paper.  They never responded.  So, I offer to you, instead.


Friday Fives – a day late and a Daryl short

Image result for mandala

If you had to choose being blind or deaf, what would you choose and why?

Man, I have never pondered that.  Were I deaf, there would be no more music.  But, I could still totally function.  Were I blind… no more boobies… and getting anything done would be disabling.  I am going to choose going deaf.  I think it would be the easiest adjustment.  As for missing music, it is always in my head.  Plus, I play acoustic.  I can feel that music when I hold the guitar.  That would have to be my substitute.

What is the best smell?

Vanilla everything

Would you rather be hot or cold?

Let’s say I am nekkid.  I would choose hot for sure.  BUT… for the weather outside… I might choose cold.  Why?  If it is cold, there is a lot you can do about it.  Gloves and hats and blankets and fleeces and jackets and ton ton corpses.  At hot, once you take off all your clothes… it is still hot.

But then… would I rather heat to death or cold to death?  Heat, I guess.  I am tough for heat.  I am #Phoenixstrong.  For the first 20 years of my life, I lived in 115 heat half the year.  Of course, that is why I don’t live there anymore.

I guess that is a more complex question that it appears on the surface.  Well done, boss!

What’s the worst feeling in the world?

Regret.  And probably bee stings on your balls.  I assume, anyway.

Would you rather have something hurt or something be itchy?

What an odd question.  Something itchy is usually easy to remedy.  We will have to assume the intent of the question is that both are not able to be solved.  I guess I would choose pain.  What kind of horrible question is this?  Is this one of those new trends Buzzfeed has tricked us in to?  The whole “would you rather” watch your mom get punched or drowned?  I am not going to answer that, you sick fuck.  That woman is a SAINT!  Plus… we know that witches float.

Tee hee hee.  Come on, that was funny.  My mom is my favorite person in the whole world.  Just talked to her a few days ago. Most importantly, she doesn’t read this site.  They don’t have internet in jail.    Man, I am on fire.  Of course my mom isn’t in jail.  Unless she is visiting one of my half wit brothers.

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Friday Fives are flying by

Where did you go the last time you took an airplane ride? 

Probably San Diego.  Wifey travels there a lot for business.  It is where their HQ is.  So, when she has a long stand there, I’ll fly out for a weekend.  We already have the rental car and hotel room paid for… why not?  Note, this is a WONDERFUL upgrade from before.  The last BIG out of state HQ we had was when I worked at Sprint for 20 years.  Our HQ was (and it still is, I am not just with Sprint anymore) in Kansas.  Not exactly a romantic weekend getaway.  In fact, I have managed my entire 46 years on earth having never stepped foot in Kansas.  Never even driven through it.

Travel bonus – I now have the PRE thingy.  This means I am pretty much an air marshall.  I wrote up a great piece on this, but can’t find it.  Just assume it was hilarious.

Are you a nervous flyer or a comfortable flyer?

I LOVE to fly.  Like everyone, I hate the TSA bs.  But, now that I am ‘pre’, I have a special quick security line and I don’t have to take off shoes and belts and such.  It’s a small thing, but makes a difference.

Window seat or aisle seat?

Window seat always.  I want to watch the world go by. It’s awesome!

What is the worst experience you’ve had flying?

Flying to Florida about ten years ago.  Had the worst turbulence EVER.  Whole plane was shaking.  It was right out of a movie.  The oxygen thingies dropped, people were crying, and at that moment, I made piece with death.  I was aware it was about 50/50.  I thought ‘you know, I have had a great life. I am headed to vacation with my wife and good friends.  If I go, it will be pretty quick, and not much I can do about it.”

Obviously, things turned out ok. This is the part when I tell you my life changed that day.  That I stopped smoking and quit my miserable job and finally struck out in the world to make my mark.  Yeah… that didn’t exactly happen, either.  It was a really great vacation, though.  We got to go to the Burt Reynolds’ museum in Jupiter.  Plus, I lived.  The tough thing about that experience, the turbulence was LONG.  We were shaking and waiting to die for at least 20 minutes, but felt like lifetimes.  Its no Bueno when you look outside and see the wings flexing.  Normally, the pilot comes over the air and says calming things.  This guy didn’t for a good 15 minutes.  I realized he was a little too busy flying.

Ok, a little more about that story.  We were flying to a connection somewhere, not to FL directly.  Our connection was tight, like half an hour.  Our flight arrived 45 minutes later, because dude had to go up and around and out of that storm. In order to live, it’s possible we flew in the wrong direction for an hour.  Point being, we assumed we would miss our connection.  BUT WE DIDN’T.  how come?  This shit is crazy.  Our pilot for the connecting flight, was our pilot for THIS flight.  So, he too was 45 minutes late.  My wifey overheard the pilot talking to a stewardess after the flight.  Said it was the second world flight he had ever had.  And he was gray in hair… had probably done thousands.  Maybe it was Sully!

What is the best experience you’ve had flying?

Almost all of my flying experiences have been terrific.  One thing that pops to mind is when flying to Mexico on a charter flight.  Once we got to altitude, the booze flowed.  This was a charter flight for a vaca company.  So, everyone on that flight was specifically going to this resort.  And the rules in Mexico… well… there aren’t any.  They were free pouring booze.  No tiny little airline bottles.  No sir, you just held up your cup as they came by.  It was epic!

*** I know I use that photo up top a lot.  I know it’s fake.  I don’t care.  it is hilarious.  I can’t get enough of it.  Reminds me of this pic.  I just love these pictures.

stop picking on Bono

Bono is overexposed.  He is a holier than thou.  He is an overbearing elitist out of touch narcissist.  I can’t stand him.  He should shut up and play his stupid overrated crap rock for other soulless crackers and honkeys.  Wait… to say that gives him too much credit.

Shut up.  You are wrong, and here is why.  First off, you aren’t bothered by his music.  You use that a defense for your jealousy.  Yes.  Bono is overexposed.  For a reason.  Yes, he is using his celebrity to save the world.  Does that make him an asshole?   NO.  Jesus, man.  He is literally using all his powers of celebrity and notoriety to make Earth better.  That doesn’t make him a jerk.  Just like it doesn’t make Bill Gates a jerk, or Warren Buffet.  If the worst thing a person does is do great and help people, he isn’t a narcissist.  He is a hero.

He is not the asshole.  You, sir, are the ahole.  See what I did there?  I could have called you an asshole, but I didn’t.  I took the high road, unlike you (asshole!).  It’s probably tough to take Bono seriously, and I get that. We aren’t used to rock stars NOT being douchebags.

Bill Gates walked away from a life of comfort being a zillionaire to spend his time in shithole countries.  HEY… don’t get to holy.  You know these are shithole countries.  Is he a  publicity whore?  No. he is a hero and national treasure.  So is Bono.

*** without telling you too much – one of those people above are me, and NEITHER of those people are Bono.  That last part wasn’t discovered until a week later.

Friday Fives – the value of a clean house edition

What are some good helpful phrases like “righty tighty, lefty loosey” or “spring forward, fall back”?

The biggest one is this:  in my 45 years on Earth, this statement rings more true than anything – you get what you pay for.  Also known as ‘no such thing as a free lunch’.  I don’t like that one, though.  Too cynical.  Point being, if someone tells you they have a 1963 Les Paul Golden Archtop for $95… you aren’t getting a deal.  You are getting a counterfeit POS.  That is a 400K guitar.

With spring cleaning just around the corner, what are you reluctant to start cleaning in your home?

Glad you reminded me (dick!).  We have family coming, and at all times I am either working or sleeping.  Wifey even more so.  Looking to pay someone to come in.  Why?  When I can do it myself?  Time is money!  I am off Sundays, and we have plans with our neighbors (whom I fucking LOVE).   SO…  do I hang out with them and have some much needed beer and laughs?  OR… do I cancel so I can mop and scrub baseboards and dust?

on that note, do you know a cleaning service who will drive out to BFE?  I am 100% serious if you are reading this in March of 2018.  If, for some reason, you are reading this in the future > thanks for nothing!  My family left me when they saw the dust on the baseboards.

We have both the Summer and Winter Olympics. What sports would they play in the Spring and Fall Olympics? 

Great question!  It would be nanny sports where physical exertion is not required.  Billiards, Baseball, and curling.   “But Lono, that IS work.  You try scrubbing ice vigorously for 45 seconds over and over!”   Ok, fair point.  Don’t you dare tell me we can’t make fun of curling… they got busted using steroids. **** That is some funny shit.  To be fair, though, I would need steroids to do that.

Oh, and let me say Winter Olympics are superior.  Why?  Just about every sport can kill you

*** editors note.  It was Russia.  Doping is what they do.  I bet their billyards players dope.

What makes you spring out of bed in the morning?

Force.  Meds.  Apathy.  Joy.

How would you explain Spring break to a visitor from another land?