Friday Fives – from one week ago

Paul Reed Smith SE Mark Holcomb Limited Run Macassar Ebony (Upgraded!) image 1

Schools district’s are bringing back corporal punishment – were you ever paddled as a school kid?

Paddled?   No.  its not like I went to Catholic school.  Geesh, man… what happened to you that you would even ask this?  I means, is it normal that kids are paddled?  I feel like that is something from the 1800s.   WAIT… I saw something TODAY.

Inside the Christian Reform School From Hell

Ok, so I guess things haven’t changed.  I thought this horrible stuff happened only in movies. Well, stereotypes exist for a reason.  I think its safe to assume that any time any kid is ‘sent away’ to school before college… they are being beaten.  And its why they are being sent there… to beat them.  Fun little side note:  remember the band Marcy Playground?  They got famous for the song ‘Sex & Candy’.  It’s a good song, very hooky.  Thing is, it’s not the song you should know.  I highly recommend this song.  This song is DOPE!  I saw them live and they killed us with this song.  Let me set the scene.  There is a band opening for Toad the Wet Sprocket called Marcy Playground.  I had never heard of them, and neither had anyone else.  Being someone embolded by several drinks… and standing with my dick in my hand at the urinal, I ask if anyone has heard of Marcy Playground?  Guy looked over at me said “no.  why?  That you?”

On the state it is set up for a 3 piece… which means drums, bass, and guitar/vocals.  I don’t even think they had amps out there.  and the drummer was on a very minimalist jazz ‘trap kit’.  That is a drum set that is barely a set. And dude comes out with an acoustic.  Ok, so this is gonna be some mellow jazzy goodness.  Toad is pretty tame music, but this looked a bit lame, frankly.  Dude with acoustic steps up and throws down the motherfuckin’ rock gauntlet!  Even seen the Record Company?  The singer did something with an acoustic  that was SO simple but revolutionary.  He played it to a distortion pedal.  He came out with Poppies and it was much much heavier to hear.  Here is the song, it’s great.  So that is what you hear… but this is what we saw.

Oh, my point being, the band is named Marcy Playground. It was named after one of these horrible schools that just beat kids for the hell of it.  It’s called the Marcy school in… I think it was Minnesota.  The singer, John Ondrasik was sent there as a kid.  Last laugh is on him.  For years every interview would ask ‘where did you get the name’ and he would rail them a new.  Good for him, fuck those sadistic bastards!  Btw, all that above is simply from memory.  Turns out, dude’s name is John Wozniak.  So who is John Ondrasik?  He is the ‘five for fighting’ guy who made the great song ‘Superman’.

If band names were literal, what would be the best/worst concerts to attend?

Spinal Tap.  Bad Brains.  A double bill that will leave you 200K in debt to the hospital.  Possibly also the name of the next Hard Knocks season studying Buffalo Bills.

Forget a billion dollars, it’s ridiculous. How would your life be changed by winning $20,000?

It wouldn’t.  I am blessed, and lucky, and hard working, and a white straight male.  I am doing just fine, thank you.  20K.  Ok, I’ll spend 2K on a PRS and the rest goes to charity.  What charity?  La Puente.  This is a fantastic group who helps the rural poor in the San Luis valley.  I learned about them in the terrific book I am reading listening to right now called ‘Cheap Land Colorado’.  Its’ a Cormac McCarthy setting and characters, but instead told by a foolishly positive narrator.

Tell ya what, I am feeling  benevolent with my pretend winnings.  I give all 20K to La Puente.  Those folks out there on the ‘flats’ of the San Luis valley… they need it.  they are doomed.  I don’t go into it here, but click up top on ‘what I’m reading’ tab and I’ll have a book review up shortly on this.   Rather than put up pictures of poor people, let’s imagine what my PRS might look like.  I am thinking the darker woods, something in bronzy tigery type colors.   ebony fretboard.  10 top. dark and powerful is the look I have in my head.

Paul Reed Smith SE Mark Holcomb Limited Run Macassar Ebony (Upgraded!) image 1 PRS Guitars Private Stock Custom 24 Retro - Koa, Brazilian Rosewood | eBay

i mean, come on.  Just look at those guitars.  I would think even if you don’t play guitar, you can still see these as objectively magnificent.  That one on the left, hoo boy.  Never even seen anything like that.  There is an expression of beauty I admit that I like and use.  When somethings seems a bit gratuitous, but in an aesthetically pleasing way, we tack the word ‘p0rn’ onto it.  Watching the Natgeo channel on a 4k TV?  That is nature p0rn.  Above, you could most definitely call that guitar p0rn.  I like guitar p0rn almost as much as I like p0rn p0rn.  (I am spelling it like that so you can read this at work.  You are welcome, fellow slacker)

I went to this page just looking to steal some pictures, but now I want to buy that one on the left.  Tell you what, since I am stealing his art and image, here is the link to buy the guitar  up on the left if you want it.  Or if you want to buy it for me.  $2K.  I can tell you its worth it just in craftsmanship.

What is a custom that needs to go away now?

 I have no problem with your customs, or mine.  Maybe you need to spend a little less time worrying about what other people are doing, Mr. Question Asker.  I would be interested to hear a female’s perspective on the question.  After ‘grab em by the pussy’ got elected president… it didn’t look good for women’s rights.  In fact, l’d even ask my wife this question were I to allow her to read and right.  Let me re-phrase that, so I don’t sound like a monster.  Were she allowed to read or right.  She still isn’t, of course… but I took the ‘I’ out of it, so I don’t look like a controlling jerkface. I don’t of course, and its for her own good.  

What are some of the most passive aggressive phrases in workplace emails?

Oh boy, I love this shit, because I love words.  Being pissy in the corporate world is an artform.  I am not as good at this as I should be, or as I think I am.  Even though I am quite masterful with words, my emotions and condescension always betray me.  For those of you not familiar with the world and culture of corporate email, here is just a taste.

What you send in email >

“Tim, circling back with you. Not sure if you saw my request from last week”

What you mean by that email

“Sorry, but are you fucking ignoring me?  The balls on you, Tim!  Listen, I don’t fucking like you, either.  But you and I have to work through this.  Just for one goddamn fucking microsecond could you try doing what you are paid to do and lets get past this. No one likes you here, Tim.  Please note I could have copied your boss so she sees what a useless turd you are.  I didn’t, though, Tim.  I swear to god if you blow me off again, I will copy her AND Allen.  Yeah, wanna play hard ball?  Just fucking test me one more time and you get assigned to Allen.  Hope your butthole is plenty lubed up, you misogynist pile of apple warts!”



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