not really a Fatwa, but kinda

Ok, you may remember I did a piece called ‘Fatwa‘ recently about my perceived enemies and how I wish them ill.  Frankly, it’s childish… yet effective.  I talked about my hatred of terrorist sympathizer and state enemy Robert Novak.  Then he got brain cancer.  I talked about what a monster hemmoroid Alaska congressman Ted Stevens was, for too many reasons to bother elaborating.  He is now on trial, and will likely die penniless, out of office, and humiliated.  I am not saying that was my wish, but that is what is happening. *** see update

Most recently, I added the deplorable Rev Fred Phelps (God Hates Gays) as someone I wish to see just plain die.  That hasn’t happened yet, but my confidence in my track record is secure.  So, there is another name I would like to add.  I don’t seek to see him dead, as he is a tad less odious than Phelps.

SEC chairman Henry Paulson.  This guy made zillions working for one of these investment banks (Goldman Sachs, look it up).  He made 38 million that year.  Fine, that is his business, good for him.  Then, like a genius, President Bush tapped this guy to be in charge of all of Wall Street.  Makes sense, right?  I mean, who knows Wall St better than a dude making 38 million a year?  Well, he was hired to be the top cop.  He took the job.  He eliminated control, oversight, and regulation with the help of his free market GOP buddies.

Then, despite warnings for years… did nothing.  Now, he is responsible for the biggest financial meltdown in the history of the United States.  Great work.  So, was he fired?  Nope.  Did he even apologize?  nope.  In fact, he needs to borrow 7 Billion from you.  Yes, the guy who just caused the world economy to drop into a recession, and lost a few hundred billion of our GNP wants a loan.

How is this guy not in prison?  How can we have ANY faith in our leadership if we let them loan the guy who broke the economy more money.  I mean, you pass the same bum every day.  You don’t still give him money, do you?  His sign says “need money for new clothes”, but every day for 8 years you gave him cash and he never showed up in new clothes.  You sense maybe he was spending the money on booze.  Ok, whatever.  That is his business.  Now that same bum just asked you for 7 billion dollars.

Yeah, I want Paulson fired.  Then, put on trial for egregious abuse of tax payer dollars and trust.  I can’t way I want him dead, but until he takes some accountability, I certainly do not wish him health.  Now, Mr Paulson… the ball is in your court.  You can ignore me, like Novak did, and get brain cancer.  Or…

*** apparently, I am more effective than I thought.  Stevenson died in a horrible plane crash while awaiting trial.  I didn’t want him dead, just out of office and away from power.  Fred Phelps, on the other hand, I want dead


How to sell the bailout

So, the big wall street bailout failed today.  Many will argue why.  Some will say it does absolutely nothing for the taxpaying voter yet spends all it’s resources protecting fat cats.  True.  Some will say there is actually zero protection against existing ‘golden parachute’s for suits who bankrupt their own companies.  That would be correct.  Other’s might say this gives no one oversight witht this money.  All accountibility in the billl gives oversight to the asshats who got us here in the first place.  Yes, also true.

But, it ain’t the message, babe… it’s the messenger.  You bailout folks need a WAY better spokesman.  Know who your rally guy is?  The worst president in history.  That’s what more than 70% of Americans say.  That includes both Richard Nixon and the two terms Mussolini did in the 40’s.

See, you got a guy plugging this thing who has NO credibility with the American people.  He is a liar, a thief, and a war crimininal.  No one will buy anything from him.  I wouldn’t buy cipro from him if he was Donald Rumsfeld and I had bird flu. You need someone with more than pathos… you need both ethos and logos.  Quite frankly,  you need Billy Mays.  If Billy Mays was selling poo on TV I would be a shit millionaire.  Recently I missed an entire week of work because I mighty puttied my junk to the lazy boy at home.  True story, the product does work!

* ok…  to be fair.  One of those statistics is totally made up, and several links are nothing but cereal commercials.
** holy crap.  I am like a prophet.  Up there, I said Bush was at 70% disapproval.  That was, admittedly, a number made up.  Hence the clarification above.  Turns out, I was right.  Fucker’s dis-approval rating was announced today at 67%.  The part about the cereal, though, is also true.

bailout time


You may have heard that the Federal Govt (which hipsters just call ‘the Fed’) is about to bailout Lehman brothers.  It some big investment something or other, I guess.  Last week, they bailed out Freddie Mac and Fannie May lending companies.  What does ‘bailout’ mean? I means your tax dollars were used to buy these companies, and you won’t get shit for it.  I hate bailouts, I think I have talked about this before regarding United.  Maybe you went out of business because you business model sucks ass.  Maybe you should be out of business.  Why the hell should I bankroll your suck ass leadership?

Regardless, it is happening.  So, I would like to propose a bailout of my lemonade stand.  I pay two kids to run a lemonade stand around the corner, and we aren’t making any profit.   So, why bail me out?  Tell you why:  these boys love candy and movies.  They take their paychecks and get candy and go to the movies.  If I have to lay them off and shut down, they won’t be buying candy and movie tickets.  This not only sucks for the kids, but it also hurts the candy and movie business of my community.  Not to mention the money not going into the tax base from those purchases.   This morning, I saw the fire department pushing one of their vehicles to a fire.  Yup, no gas money.  If those two kids were still buying candy and seeing movies, maybe the fire department would be solvent.

Who else is impacted?  My lemon vendor.  I had been buying so many lemons from his small grocery store that he shut down the store and concentrated solely on being my lemon vendor.  If I go out of business, he goes out of business.  He, like me, loves whores.  If we go out of business, it would pretty much devastate the local prostitution  economy.  Guess what those hookers are doing if I am not feeding them blow and cash?  Yup, robbing your ass for a fix.  I can not state this plainly enough, if I am not given a large and robust bailout from the Fed… crime will rise.  Crime is expensive, and now you have no money to fight it.

Now you can see why the Fed bails out companies.  Here is the thing, though.  Turns out I make my lemonade with a proprietary mix of toilet and pond water. Isn’t that illegal?  Used to be, until the Bush administration decided small businesses shouldn’t be hamstrung by regulation. Yeah, it’s disgusting, and has killed a few folks.   Don’t worry, no one will sue me.  The Bush administration is working on tort reform to protect businesses consumer complaints and lawsuits.  So maybe, just maybe, no matter how good an idea it seems to bail me out… maybe I shouldn’t be rewarded for making such horrible lemonade.   See, the free market should settle this fine.  What’s funny is the Republicans are the ones who believe the free market solves EVERYTHING.  Yet, these are the dingii who keep saving these companies.  See, this government is very good at protecting me.  The problem is, they have absolutely no interest in protecting you.

** post script > update

Lehman brother did go tits up today, as expected.  Turns out they were writing terrible loans that they knew would never get paid off.  So how did they make money?  Told people they were great loans and sold them off.  To build off my analogy > Lehman brothers were making their lemonade with toilet water this whole time.  Someone finally called them on it.